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Morph
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I am available to assist in any way I can. I can bring staple guns, rulers, elastic bands and some pencil sharpeners
I have no strategy, just all out attack
Oh, and just found some weapons grade plutonium lying about too, if you need me to bring it, bit extreme, but just in case we come under heavy counter attack and need a quick solution |
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Mr Jack Hackett
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father hacket reporting for duty, whisky bottle at the ready! |
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BadShopper
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Don't forget to set a fallback position. You don't want to advance into enemy territory and then have to retreat and concede land.
You need to protect your borders.
It might be a better idea to invade while the enemy are absent (in the loo) you'll face less opposition that way (and they might not notice) |
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oh kate!
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Enlist tech support to mess with the enemy's computer. Then, while he's wasting a tremendous amount of time on the phone with them trying to get the computer set to rights, you advance. Slowly, so they don't realize they're losing ground until it's too late.
By the time they wise up, you've annexed a good chunk of their territory. And they're still dead in the water because Tech Support (or the Helpless Desk, as I like to call them) hasn't yet fixed their problem.
You may need backup paperclip launchers, but this is more like a bloodless coup. |
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absolved lemon
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you need to get a vantage point say behind the water cooler, then you need to get him into the open, a well placed jaffa cake will do the trick |
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jasonzbtzl
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You don't have to attack just make sure that everybody else in your office is on your side that way no matter how bad you are people will side with you. Basically use the Democrats as a model. Figure out a way to have everyone in your office dependent on you for something they need then tell them that your opponent does not care about them, regardless if it is true or not, and get them to side with you.
Now once your opponent tries to defend themselves just tell everyone that they are just rich and don't care about anyone else in the office, even though you yourself are not doing anything for them either, but at least you are the first person to voice an empty opinion about their situation.
Oh yeah, if you can somehow work race into it that works great to.
Once you accomplished these, you need to involve the media, getting them on your side will only help spread your opinion and help defame your enemy.
Ok now, take a poll everyday and no matter what the poll says follow it. You should never actually hold a position a stick by it, that's just silly, just keep changing your mind to please the group because they will help you win.
Good luck. |
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aplusjimages
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will there be any black ops in this war. If so, when they go to lunch mess with everything on their desk. Tape down the phone, remove all their pens to a different drawer, unplug their mouse, etc. That's the best way to go. Then for the war itself I would head to the printer or fax room and grab as much junk paper as possible and start wadding it up. Good luck. |
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Bubba
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count me in, I'll bring paper clips and rubber bands and we'll initiate the first strike while he's at the coffee pot. |
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kathy_is_a_nurse
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It's important to control the high ground. You might want to launch your attack from over the cubicle divider. That's a difficult position for your opponent to defend.
You might also want to maintain your armaments in a neighbor's desk, rather than out in the open at your desk. Your opponent will be less likely to retaliate out of fear of negative public opinion from the rest of the office.
Have you got a battle cry, yet? |
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mudmarine
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Pound them with Katusha rockets and if they fight back get a freind to scream to the U.N. for a cease fire .
Rebuild your forces , get bigger rockets , and try again .
It's been working in the middle east for years. |
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pedro2006scotland
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a good stategy is noise download some celine dion then turn speakers up full. then watch said desk go weak at the joists |
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Munster
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these days, wars aren't won with men, weapons, and strategies.
You need to win in the media and the popular vote.
Barrage the email system with half-truths or lies even. Use the company newsletter or bulletin boards.
Get the rumours flying.
Use the digital camera to your advantage. |
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Monkeyphil
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I have a really heavy hole punch that would cause some damage and a staple remover which could really pinch the skin, Have you tried diplomacy or is just all out declare war and steam in. I finish at 6pm will you have started by then and I am out of the office tomorrow morning but i will be back around lunchtime if you need re-enforcing. |
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C T
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Establish a neutral zone and then get a third party to monitor it (office junior is best).
Apply pressure to third party (blackmail or bribery) to occupy neutral zone.
If there is any retaliation. ALL OUT ATTACK but hold your ground at all costs.
P.S. BluTak makes a great border and Post-it notes are good for highlighting disputed territories. |
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Ruben Otero
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This is wht you have been training for, prepare for battle. This time we will use the serch and destroy strategy. Get some rubber bands and fire, fire, fire until you can't fire no more, (or get kill one of both). |
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fireguy
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we can take him poison is the answer you are looking for |
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ROD THE CRUSADER
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find fix destroy and exploit should be the way for you firstly find a weak spot then use Superior paper clips to fix there position this then leads to destroy there ability to continue to fight and finally exploit the situation all the way until they don't have any room on there desk .
once finished you can hand back a bit of there desk and they will be grateful to you.
remember you must be HARD FAST AND AGGRESSIVE THROUGH OUT SHOW NO MERCY UNTIL YOU ACHIEVE THE RESULT |
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peter gunn
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try to forge an alliance with the other desks surrounding him. If they don't go for that bargain a non attack treaty. As for weapons you can''t go wrong with paper clips and rubber bands. Or open up a Pen and use the inner tube as a blowgun for sharpened pencil stubs. But nothing beats hitting him over the head with an iron ruler. If you really feel you can't handle one man I am for hire at a reasonable price!!! |
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Chris W
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Ahh, the REAL war issue of the day! I'm all for a chemical attack (sod the Geneva Convention!). When your colleague, sorry, victim is away from the desk, slip liquid laxitives in to his/her coffee (coffee's better than tea as it's more bitter and will hide the taste more effectively). A couple of days of this and your victim will probably end up seeing a doctor, thus leaving you free to colonise!
Victory to the insidious! |
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Caylan
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Okay...heres the stratgey....A mayonnaise bottle always says never to freeze it....suspicious....okay so you freeze the mayonnaise. next morning bring it to work or whatever you're plotting and throw this on his desk!! (cap on!) it will blow up cause of a bomb in it. you shouldn't have frozen it.. |
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acfords
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i'm in...have very little arsenal but an all out attack would be best. |
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AndyPandy
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The plastic black bin bag brigade are at the ready to clear the battlefield |
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Scousebuster Bill
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Just do what I do when you get tired of you coworkers (or feckless scum as I like to call them). Have a jodrell. They'll be fleeing from you in no time. Especially if you make little 'go on, you can touch it' faces. |
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Big Ben
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Hit the fire alarm and then claim squatters rights. |
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stuman8484
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Sounds like you need one of these bad boys!
http://www.reghardware.co.uk/2006/07/06/usb_missile_launcher/ |
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eireblood2
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Try a surprise strike just before dawn. Send in three scouts armed with flickhammers to take out the guards first. |
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emma s
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i have a Gillotene.....BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!! |
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The Phantom
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I have an evil stapler! And I can look really angry if I want to. Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!
Oh wait, you only asked men. |
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Irish Eyes
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Firs you must determine your enemy's strengths and weaknesses, then make a feint to distract the opposing forces and then ATTACK!!! try the old paper foot ball thing! |
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dingdong
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Ok, i have sharp push pins, paper clips, a staple gun, paper punch, swivel chair, desk lamp,P.C, some heavy reams of paper, and an a*shole for a manager you can use as cannon fodder. the secretary is too cute to fight. All yours for A billion dollars a month. |
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Doris H.
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Before you engage in an all out attack try as much as possible to negotiate. |
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Adult 
Gambling
Unfinished
Deception
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