I just found out my recruit cheated on me. He's at bootcamp. What to do?

I am currently expecting a child with my fiancee of almost 4 years. He left for bootcamp at the end of january and will be back at the end of April. We are supposed to be getting married on his ten day leave.

On Saturday (Valentines Day of all days, go figure) I discovered he has been unfaithful to me. (There are even pictures...)

Here I am expecting a baby and planning a wedding and *bam*. He doesn't know I know, so he's at bootcamp thinking everything is just peachy and expects to marry me the week he comes back.

I need to talk to him about this before I can go ahead and make any more wedding arrangements. All I can think is "What if there's more he's hiding?" And I can't go into a marriage with secrets.

But with him being at boot the only two options are to write him and tell him I know and ask for an explaination, (and I know he has alot on his mind right now and is very busy so I'm not sure what would come of doing that) or to wait until he gets back 7 days before the wedding and possibly have to call the wedding off if the confrontation doesn't go well.

What should I do?
Additional Details
He is in the Marines, by the way.

lvfoxmotox

I am sorry to hear that he cheated on you, hon. However, I am glad to hear that you are trying to handle this rationally before making any decisions. Something that I think it important to consider is how long ago this cheating happened. While cheating is cheating, if it happened a long time ago then perhaps he is more devoted to you now. However, if it was recently, then I would be very concerned.

Part of me says you should get it taken care of now, but on the other hand, part of me says that asking him through mail while at basic training might not be the best. In writing, you won't be able to explain your feelings or what you know clearly and it will be extremely difficult to effectively communicate. However, you bring up a good point about why you would not want to wait.

What you will have to be prepared for his him denying what happened. I have been cheated on previously, and they usually always deny because they don't want to admit being caught. This being said, I do not imagine that all problems will be solved before the wedding. And I believe it will take a long time, regardless of what happens, for you to trust him again.

Perhaps you could ask to delay the wedding for a little while and marry him while he is in A school (or whatever the Marines call it). Just be sure you are doing what is right for YOU. You don't want to marry somebody you feel you might not be happy with, and on the other side, you do not want to let go of somebody if you believe you can be happy.

Shimmy

I think you should write him a dear john letter. It's not your responsibility to keep things positive while he is in training. I understand not nagging or worrying him about everyday issues that are beyond his control, but he brought this crap on himself! Here you are pregnant and stressed while he's cheating. That's lame. Sometimes men go off the deep end when they enlist and go on tour. They become unfaithful and it isn't right. Other men are fabulous and enjoy every moment that they have to speak with or communicate with their significant other. Your fiance may not be that kind of man. Be grateful that you found out before you were married so that you can take positive steps to bring your life in the right direction. Good luck!

Jared P

Well, I think the whole deal with only positive letters went out the door whenever he cheated on you. You'll either have to move past this and get married, or leave him and get child support. cheating isn't illegal (immoral, yes) so there won't be any legal ramifications since you aren't married yet.

start the conversation and let him know it's not ok

BiologicalRebel

To be perfectly honest, marriages involving people in the military are (statistically) already at higher-than-normal risk of failure. If he's already cheated on you before he even joined, chances are he will cheat again. You should probably be honest with him immediately. You may not need the "Dear John" letter but at least let him know you know it happened and you want an explanation (if you want an explanation, that is).

hu_yana

Talk to him. If you love him you two need to talk. hold off on the wedding.

puppetstring_prophet

Why not write him? He can read it and write you back and you guys can get this ball rolling in whichever direction. The key here is 'communication'

John

I hate to say it but I don't think you are left with any other choice than to write him confronting him about this and that he needs to call you first chance he gets to discuss this. The timing and separation all further compound this situation and really leave you with little choice or him for that matter. I do totally agree with you that entering into a marriage with this between you and him will cause problems later on if it is not resolved before you get married.

cordeliabrainiac

If you weren't pregnant, I'd say dump his butt. But you are and that puts a whole different spin on things.

I would consider holding off on telling him what you know and also on the wedding. Talk to him when he gets done with boot and if things go well get married later. If things don't go well, then you know what you need to do.

VIVI

Nope, he will be totally changed, drop him now, if he wants to try and start back up when he gets back, kewl. Almost everyone that goes to basic or further, comes back changed.

namix8

i suggest you dont marry him and send him the letter

MarathonWomen

What branch of service?

ETA - Sorry when I first read your question for some reason I thought you were saying he cheated on you at boot camp which for the USMC would be very odd since there is almost no male/female contact. And then the fact that there were pictures as well made it seem even less likely.

I understand what you're saying now though.

Jaime P

I think you should write him. If he cheated on you there not much you can do. If your expecting then its up to you. I would not marry him. And a military person is the easiest person to get child support from, If he does not pay. call him commanding officer and explain what is going on and he/she will take care of it. I say confront him in a letter. Tell him the wedding is off and move on. Good luck and never trust the government.

gracekelly3rd

cheaters end up with no one.
who wants to end up in a nursing home with no visitors.

Jason F

um write him saying its over or something if you wanna break up
cheating isn't illegal

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