Is military life harder for the member or the spouse or is it equal?

ArmyWifey

Oh please. It's apples and oranges..............hard for both of you just in different ways. Hubby needs to get a clue! Yes it's hard for them but it's equally hard to be home wondering, waiting and taking care of everything at home - especially if you have children. Hospital visits, everything breaks as soon as they leave is not just an old adage -- it REALLY does!, dealing with beauracracy, moving and resettling every few years (men don't get this), and everything else is no cake walk!

It's hard for BOTH of you and you need to discuss this, He needs to appreciate your sacrifice and service( willingness to hold down the fort) just as much as you need to his.

beanie_babymama

It's hard on everyone involved, just in different ways. My husband is deployed, and we both have challenges to face everyday. The one we always have in common is how much we miss each other and can't wait to be a family again.

I can't say that it is any of the above. It's not equal, because it is so different. But, it is definitely hard for both the service member and the spouse.

When my husband was in Iraq last time, he felt that I was "living it up" just because I was able to go to the store when I wanted, see family when I wanted, etc. I felt restricted at home, because I was afraid I would miss him online or by phone. We had two different perceptions of the exact same situation.

It will be hardest on the one of you who is least accepting of the situation. Whoever hates the situation more will be more miserable.

Keep a positive attitude, and make the most of the situation. And, realize that he has no idea what it is like to be the spouse.

MotherBear1975

I'd say its about equal... *especially* if there are kids in the family. I've been on both sides.. when I was in the Nav, I'd get so busy with the routine that wow! a week would have passed without me noticing. Every day of deployment drags on for the spouse.

However... DD and Armywify are right... if you keep as positive a face on things as possible, the misery will be minimal for both of you.

Rawbert

That's a pretty hard question to answer. I've only been a military member, never a spouse of one, so I only know one side.

It's pretty easy if you are single. Married people are pulled away from each other all the time for field training or maneuvers.

I guess it also depends on the military person's job. I was on M1A1 Abram's so we were gone every month (and at times gone for multiple months). The spouse's were left alone while tank crews had each other to talk with. Doesn't mean they weren't lonely and didn't miss their spouse.

Sure, your husband will be gone working and putting his life on the line, but it will be stressful for you at times too. That's why the spouse form support groups.

From all of the wives I've talked with, they hate their husbands being gone for long periods of time and worry about them. But we don't want to be gone for long periods of time either and combat units can be stressful for us too.

P.S. ArmyWife and DD, thanks. Families who stick it out make it easier for the rest of us too. Not to mention the extra care I have received from my crew member;s wives.

Just me

I've been both. I was single active duty, then married dual active duty, now dependent wife.

You're married, just treat each other as equals. Don't ever fight about "who has it harder." You'll both have bad days. There will be times that are hard on you and times that will hard on him. You'll miss him when he's gone, and yet you'll have to adjust to him returning.

But everyone I know has had this arguement with their spouse. There is no answer, and it's nothing against each other, it's just the stress talking (yelling at times.)

sm_ie2

the best thing for you to do is Volunteer at the welcome center on base - any base you move to. You can make friends and help others through the same situations you are going through now.
I was in the Marine corps also an Air Force wife. (not at the same time) But I think it was easier being in the Military than married to it.

hanibal turkey

military life is harder then an ordinary civilian life but its all what you make of it all it takes a strong couple to make it through deployments and field exercises and giving up your weekends because your husband has to work but like i said it is only hard if you make it that way as is with life in general. i have been an army wife for 2 years now and my husband is currently deployed

Tech Sergeant

I'm a Navy spouse, and an Air Force member. (I did 5 years in the Army before I crossed into the Air Force blue). Life is hard for the spouses, I agree with you, but it is definitely tougher for the actual military member.

Get involved in the FRG, or spouse's club, and make some friends. And check in at cinchouse.com - you can meet lots of ladies that are in your situation. That will make things easier. :-) Good luck.

Critter

I guess I'm lucky in that DH and I haven't had this argument. 15 years in the Navy and we both know that this lifestyle is rough on both of us in different ways. I'm doubly lucky in that I believe it's harder on him and he believes it's harder on me so we tend to look for ways to make it easier on each other and that really does help a lot.

ritzysmom

I'm with Army Wifey. Its hard for both in different ways. I've had this arguement with my husband many times in the last 3 years. There are long hours and danger for our husbands. But Hubby also gets someone cooking for him, someone watching his back and everyone is an adult and they work as a team. There are rules and regs and the mission gets done. Here at home we have to contend with children that are still learning the rules or are in rebellion mode. I am the only one doing the cooking, cleaning, shopping, transportation, nurse, etc. I may have spouses that will support me, or I may be on my own because half of them packed up and went home to momma and half of the rest are partying while the remainder gossip. I have to contend with civilians that don't agree with my husband's mission giving me a hard time. I have to contend with businesses that say it is their option as to whether they will accept my husband's power of attorney.
I've been through 4 deployments in my husband's 20 years, the last 2 ( 13 mos and 12 mos) with kids while he was gone for Iraq, and he is getting ready to go for a 15 month tour to Iraq for the 3rd time.
But that said, the Navy has more support programs in place for their families because they do their 6 month training deployments even in peacetime.

krista h

Ok. This is neither right, or wrong, my boyfriend is in the military, and its really hard for me sometimes being all by myself. I get really lonely at night without him, and I have friends, and a lot of them, but they don't know what I'm going trough, so its hard. But then again, the boys they all have each other, but they have more physical pain. We go through all of the mental pain, which sometimes can be worse then physical. but they also sometimes, depending on which branch the spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend is in goes through both metal and physical. So, thats all that I have to say. <3krista

Get a bumper sticker or shirt, like Marine waife hardest job in the Corps. They make them for navy too. Then tell them that if a shirt or bumper sticker says it, well then it has to be true!

nature lover

The support group for military spouses is phenomenal, your husband is right.

dvlwithcas14

Well one thing is for sure once the ship has gone away everyone will play. by this i mean you will see spouses cheating on the husbands when they ship out. But on the other hand your husband will have the same chance cause there are girls on ports and even on the ship. Trust me this is how i lost my wife. Good luck And trust each other.

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