What's the best way to tell an aging parent that it's time to stop driving?

Anti-technology Girl

Oh, boy, that's a touchy one. I think, in order not to offend them, you would have to keep the emphasis on you. You could express how much they mean to you and your concern for their safety. You could emphasize how eager you are to help out by running errands and providing rides. Because they are losing something really big you will have to find ways of showing them what they are gaining. Maybe they'd really like the company of being chauffeured around. I hope, knowing your parent, you can think of other benefits. If they are frugal or living on a small income you can point out how much cheaper it will be without the auto insurance, maintenance and gas. Just be sure that you can provide alternate transport, so that your parent doesn't become depressed from not getting out and the control and independence that they've surrendered. Guilt your other siblings, if necessary, by reminding them of the many rides they were given before they were able to drive and other ways that your parent was always there for them.

It may take more than one conversation to bring your parent around, and unless they are really all over the road, you should give them time to acclimate to the idea.

Brown Id Girl

There is no easy way, especially with a head-strong or highly independent person. Encourage regular (every 3-6 months)checkups for their sight, hearing and mental fitness through their health professionals. Atttend their check-ups whenever possible. Make the physicians aware of your observations and concerns. Build support though family, friends and their physicians along with the direction of his/her medical professionals. If and when the time comes, a caring and compassionate meeiting in a comfortable, calm and neutral environment with this caring croup should ease things.

brownfreckles1977

Just wait until the next time you have to pick them up from the front of Super Walmart because their car has somehow trapped on top of a curb/fire hydrant/basket/small pet that just "appeared" out of nowhere... If that doesn't work just hide their keys and keep saying "Where's the last place you had them."

Kidding kidding. In all actuality I would start by saying mom or dad you always protected me so now it's my turn to protect you. I really don't think you should be driving anymore because of [insert reason here].

marhaba

My first thought - when parent asleep!!!!! Never any parent listen to this.
Not easy going places or be independent without drive, and (definately) not easy accept humbly give up driving! Not going down without a fight.
Drive 15 mph on 40 mph road still faster then call elderly transport service!

qiranger

Hopefully they are self-aware that they no longer have the reflexes to drive. Should they not and it's become time to take the keys away, I would sit down with them and discuss the responsibility we have as drivers to be able to control our vehicles. It may also be wise to "play catch" with them. If they can't maneuver their body to catch a ball, how can they react to traffic traveling 75mph?

azriel

just confront him/her and tell her the truth

back2skewl

Let me tell you from Experience, it is not easy. When my wife and I tried to approach her mother my in Law. She got so defensive, even though we tried to talk nicely about it. We advised her to seek her doctors advice on it for possibly having it Medically limited due other numerous medical issues. Then when that didn't work my work Experience said that all I had to show was just cause and submit paper work to force the Issue. Look at it this way, If you scared that they are going to hurt someone, and you did nothing to stop it from happening, the you end up carrying the guilt with you for not doing something. Even though you didn't cause it to happen. Maybe you'll get lucky and they'll agree or not?? it is 50-50 crap shoot...

seekingknowledge

Hide there keys, and when they can't find them, tell them see you shouldn't be driving, you don't even know where you leave your keys.

Pup

A major danger in this scenario is to pedestrians and bicyclists, since even low speed contact can cause major injury, or subject the cyclist/pedestrian to injury from other vehicles. This would be a good area to concentrate on-either pointing out how hard it is to see them, how they can come from either direction on any side of the street, or tell stories about your close calls with them prior to suggesting the elderly family member seriously consider giving up driving.

M S

if they drove a certain way that you know of that scared you tell them that you had a freind that was riding with someone that did whatever it was that you got scared of them doing in the car and then ask them if they would ride with someone that drove like that?

mj2006

If the person is having difficulties on the road posing a danger to others due to sight, I would definitely address the issue. Politely have a conversation about your concerns and maybe he or she will come to the conclusion that they may be endangering themselves or others.

cmpbush

Report them to the local DMV; most states have provisions to initiate the process. In some states, anyone can report dangerous drivers; in others, only immediate family may make the report.

Generally, they will be forced to go in and test. If they cannot safely pass all of the tests, their license will be revoked. Depending on the age and ability of the person, they might also be restricted to driving within their limits, such as daytime driving only, no interstate driving, driving only within 10 miles of their home, etc.

Wilde Enchantress

A few stories first:

1. I was watching out a window as an elderly woman "bumped" into my prized Sunfire, twice, while trying to pull out of a parallel parking space (that had plenty of room). I ran out to get her info before she drove off, and she adamently denied that she had hit anything, and she seriously didn't think she had!! Though myself and several other people at this location saw my car shoved forward, as well as the chunks out of my paint.

2. My grandfather drove up on a rear end collision that had occurred a short while prior. Without any realization, he slammed right into the back car--thankfully at a slow pace. Then he pulled away, without even acknowledging what had happened. He had no idea why the cops were there when they showed up at his door. I believe he even got away with it, out of PITY!! This was after several times of him vistiing us and hitting our mailbox nearly every time. My mom was too "respectful" to do anything about his driving problems.

3. We were driving up a particularly treacherous stretch of roadway that has two lanes going one way, and two the other. The speed limit is 50 there I believe, before you come to the speed drop to approach the intersection. Just as we came up over the hill to approach that spot, we saw a very large car coming straight at us! We luckily had enough time to slow down, as the car was going very slowly. An elderly gentleman was obliviously driving it. We tried to wave him down to no avail.

**These are examples of the problem with allowing folks to continue getting behind the wheel that haven't the cognizance to be doing so. Yes, it is hard to have to tell them that--and take away their independence. It is even harder to look into their faces and tell them that they they have hurt, or killed, someone else. So simply, you need to talk with them, not at them. If they are still logical enough to reason with--they will likely be agreeable. If they can't be reasoned with--they probably aren't in a position to make that decision alone. Getting the help/support of a Doctor, the DMV, siblings, etc. Whoever it takes to save their lives, and others. GL

â˜¼Jims Brainâ˜¼

Get a doctor to diagnose a problem that proves they shouldn't be driving.
Then point out to them that you have a valid reason why they shouldn't drive.
Tell them you love them and want them to be safe.

kev

just tell them it's time for your "turn" of driving for the next decades...

pmbrundle74

"Mom/ Dad ---you deserve to be spoiled rotten, how 'bout i get you a full time driver....kinda like Miss Daisy? Only the best for you--cause i love you" I think you gotta use some humor in this situation---make em laugh then throw in the punch :)

digimutt

Why do you think they need to stop driving? Tell them that and explain that not only are you concerned about what might happen to them, you also worry about what would happen to them if they were the cause of hurting or even killing another person. I do not mean any jail time I mean how would they feel if a child died because they let their pride get in the way of common sense.

If at all possible offer to step up and drive them when necessary. That might help soften the blow but the car keys are more than just car keys and the car itself is more than a car. for an aging person those car keys represent independence and giving them up is an admission of something none of us want to admit or even think about, giving up those keys is the end of a way of life and a way of thinking about themselves. It is a confermation of the fact that they are now elderly and nobody wants to think that.

mybebegwen

Be polite, and be reasonable. They should be able to understand your reasoning, they were in your position with their parents at one point in time. But don't do it just because you feel they are getting too old, do it for good reasons, like driving their car into the gas station because they thought it was in reverse, or ramming someone at a stop light because their foot slipped off the break and floored it. Incidentally both things happened to some older folks that I know, and I think that is definitely the indication that they need to stop driving.

jumpingrightin

"Look, Dad, you missed the living room, can you let me off at the kitchen? I think I better drive next time."

alï‚«microï‚«girl

If you don't want to come right out and tell them that they're becoming a danger to themselves and others when they drive, then offer to drive them wherever they need to go. It may take a while to break them of the habit, but it'll work.

southernserendipiti

This is a tough question. Undoubtedly, we'll all have to face this situation at some point in our lives. Even worse, we may be the one initiating the decision. But, one thing is crucial: be sure to include the parent in the decision. Present factual information in a loving way and see how your parent responds. If they're in agreement, all is well. However, you may face resistance. In that case, there are several ways you can handle the situation. You can ask that your parent speak with a medical professional about possible reasons for their decline in driving abilities. Some factors could include: a slowdown in response time, a loss of clarity in vision and hearing, a loss of muscle strength and flexibility, drowsiness due to medications or a reduction in the ability to focus or concentrate.

If a medical consultation is not enough, you could ask your parent to attend a driver safety program for older people, much like the one AARP sponsors, or a state-sponsored driving test, much like the one you need to obtain a driver's license. Make an agreement with your parent that if they cannot pass the test, they'll have to give up their keys. If they do, in fact, fail the test, it's hard to believe that the parent would still put up a fight. But, I'm willing to bet there are a few elderly parents with a good amount of spunk left!

Still can't get them to give up the keys? Stage an intervention with family, friends and other appropriate professionals to have them come to terms with their declining ability to drive safely.

You always want to approach such a delicate matter with love and respect. It's a hard reality to face -- they're losing their freedom...and they may possibly feel like they're losing a small amount of dignity and respect as well.

Some will say to take the keys forcefully and/or mechanically disable the car so they can't drive, if they still can't accept the fact that they shouldn't drive. If it comes to that, after exploring all other avenues, I'm afraid that there may be other underlying issues that need to be dealt with before the parent can make the decision on their own (or with loving persuasion).

Great question!

jimmythetulip22

I think that you should just hide their keys and tell them that the dog ate them and the car is broken. Even though it is mean, it is the only way that some people will give up driving.

Man

Offer them alternative mean of transport, tell them how expensive gas and car matiemce is and if that fails then be a bully because you are saving there lives.

Lola

Very difficult situation, but, and it's a big butt, it can be done.

-Do NOT and I repeat DO NOT treat the older driver as a child. Remember he/she is the one that tought you to drive.

-The direct approach is the best. Mom/Dad you have always been honest, straight, fair, told the truth, to me. So I'm going to do the same for you. You cannot drive reasonable any longer, I do not want you to be at risk behind the wheel.

-Stand firm. Offer alternatives such as access bus, cab vouchers. Call elder care services and find out if there are people that can be hired to drive your parents. Tell them you will do your best to be available to help them with this transition.

-Your parents are giving up their independence, and although they knew this day would come, no one is ever ready.

csbaby

I would say openly and honestly. I would let them know that you are concerned for their safety and well-being as well as the safety and well-being of those who share the road with them. I would say that it is because you love them and care for them so much that you need to bring this up and urge them to consider the risks that they are taking by continuing to put themselves and others in jeopardy due to mother nature. I would also recommend alternatives to driving that might help make the announcement a little easier to swallow.

Lauren M

If your mechanically inclined-----Disable the car,or hide the keys, Or otherwise make it annoying and inconvienient to drive. offer to take them where they have to go ---but only after they are "FED-UP" looking for their keys.Discuss the situation with the family doctor, who just might agree with you, and find a medical reason why they cant-(or shouldnt) be driving. Absolute extreme--(But it worked VERY well) -- Some red food coloring on the driveway, and a few neighborhood kids claiming they cant find their Cat.

me too

just tell them

tishaandrews

I say conveniently take the keys and the license so that they can't drive and if that don't work ask a cop to help you and maybe that will get their attention

deed

Mother's eye Dr had already told her she was over the state limit that allowed her to drive.
She insisted on driving at 88yo. Another two years.
I finally called MVD and explained the situation.
They sent me letters to be signed by her doctor. When they received it, they then sent her a letter her license had been suspended.
She said we took away all the freedom she had left. She never knew who did it, just that her doctor had allowed it to happen.
The freedom she lost, may have saved her and others lives. We could not allow anyone to be hurt. It was just a "have to" situation.
We live together so she has no need to drive or have to ask anyone to do anything for her.
As our parents get older, WE have to become the parent. Our Pastor says it best by telling the parents to allow their children to do what God has already told them to do.........honor thy Father and thy Mother.

theaterhanz

Sit down and discuss, don't attack them or demand they stop, but simply talk with them. Explain why you feel they should stop driving and help to point out alternatives. Be open and willing to drive or set up public transportation or a taxi service. Or use other modes of transportation

Many older driver refuse the keys because they feel dependent and don't want to depend or be a burden to loved ones. Or they feel they are still able to drive fine. This is part of growing older and many don't want to face that road.

Help them to see why you feel they should stop. Let them be a part of the decision process, and consider a slow transition, don't yank the keys, but set limits and aid them down the road of not driving.

The best advice it to make sure you treat them like capable humans.

danuitti

Your state might have a "driving test" that you can ask them to take. This certainly made us feel better when "mom" passed this test.

You might have to get your parent's eye doctor to disquality them officially.

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