'Tummy Mommy' Does the Term Make Anyone else Cringe?

Carnie C

if a kid is 5 years old, it's probably a helpful way to show adoption to him.

Marie C

I don't see anything wrong with it. The average small child who is learning about adoption is trying to understand that he "grew in someone else's tummy." A child of three or four years of age is not old enough to comprehend a long, detailed explanation of why his birthmother had to give him up. Children of this age need to understand that they are adopted, but it has to be conveyed in terms that are age-appropriate, that they can "get their arms around," so to speak.

Kyle Jason

yes it does as im a foster child and thats what i used to call my biological mother as i am now pregnant i can not understand how she ever did what she did to me and how on earth anyone can give thier child away or hsve an abortion

Mom O

umm its Mummy tummy

try the tummy tucker oil on thi site - I lost my tummy

<3

may i ask as to what it means?

lecky

I haven't heard it before, what does it mean??

Jennifer L

I think that adoptive parents need to find some way of describing/explaining to their child how they came to be with their family, in a manner that is age-appropriate and framed in a manner that a child can understand. If "Tummy Mommy" is enough for a young child to comprehend the relationship, I don't have a problem with it. The adoption language can evolve as the child gets older and is able to understand more.

As parents, we tend to use a lot of childish phrases and words to describe people, things and situations where a long, drawn-out explanation just wouldn't be age-appropriate.

I guess to those who have a real problem with the term,what would you suggest as an alternative for a very young child? It seems we can't use "birth" mother anymore, because that's insulting. "Natural' mother is insulting to adoptive parents, because it implies therefore that the adoptive family is somehow "unnatural" and wrong. (I know there are some people who would completely agree with that sentiment.) "First" mother sounds like the beginning of a subsequent string of mothers. If you can have a "first" mother and a "Second" mother, can there be a third, fourth, fifth, etc?

So, as a counterpoint, what is the term adoptive parents should be using?

girlintheshadows

yeah, a little. :( that does not sound good at all, but i suppose it might make it easier for an adopted child to identify his/her biological mother as opposed to his/her adoptive mother. i assume that is how this term is being used, anyway. if you dislike it, i would try to recommend another easy way to identify the biological mother.

surfnerd

stupid

jeni5844@yahoo.com

YES. it's incredibly insulting. "that was all she was good for. she couldn't do anything more for you."

also......................

it reminds me of when i eat any cut of beef and i call it "cow".

it makes her sound like a "thing".

School Nurse

It sounds like this is a word that a child chose to differentiate between her biological and adoptive moms. We used "biological" from early on. Our daughter pronounced it "Bi-gi-logical" from age 2 until she was about 7--lol. Kids will sometimes pick their own words to name things and it just helps them to keep things straight in their young minds. They will eventually correct the term if they hear the correct term often, also. Kids will use their own terms or descriptions whether they are adopted or not.

(_9$)

I think that for a small child it's OK. She's just trying to speak on the child's level and I don't think any malice was intended. It sounds like she's been open about the adoption since her daughter was VERY small. That is something a small child would understand. As children grow older, then we use more mature terms. I think that she may not have realized how it would sound to others on the forum, or those of us who have been "tummy mommy's". I'm assuming she means the best and as we all do through life, when we learn something new, we change what we're doing. When talking to a small child, I can understand it. When talking to a group of grown-ups, no.

Hearing an adult refer to any pregnant woman as a "birthmother".... now that gets my goat. Hearing adults talk about women who in most cases HAD to relinquish, as wanting what was *best* for the child, really pisses me off. Especially when they know that is not the case because we've told them over and over on this forum it wasn't like that.. for *most* women.

"Lauren's" first mom
Sam's mom

ETA:

Thanks for that term d!ck d@ddy, in my case that would be most appropriate, well, I might be over doing it with the "daddy" part.

snowwillow20

Tummy mommy, no thanks, I was never her mommy, her amom was her mommy. I am her birthmom and now her friend.

oopsydaisy

This actually makes me laugh. lol, It made my bio mum laugh too. I just got a txt message from her with loads of hahahahaha on it!

In all seriousness though, I think adoption could be a topic that is hard to explain to young kids, and adoptive parents may find it hard to explain the right way. I dont think that the term 'real mother' is very appropriate either.

Hard one. But not shocking in my opinion.

BPD Wife

As an AP, I personally do not like the term either.

But I have heard of bio moms who actually call themselves that. I think if it works for an individual and the bio mom is okay with it, then it should be her choice.

ETA: I absolutely LOVE Mary G's response about a Daddy! How hysterical is that?!?!?

Possum

I don't like it.
Cringe factor stuff ---> absolutely.

I like first mum - or bio mum.

Some AP's don't like adoptees using 'mum' (or 'mom' in the US!) for their first mothers - but I have two mothers - and I'll call them what I want to - unless either of them tells me they don't like the term I call them personally.
(and these terms - for me - are purely for clarifying statements on the internet - not in real life)

I think it's sad - as those AP's are often more worried about the adoptee choosing one mother over the other - but it's really not a competition to me - it's my reality - and I have enough love in my heart for a whole swag of mothers!!!

If it's an open adoption - I think AP's should talk openly with the first mother - and come up with a name you both can live with.
It's about respect. Give it - and you shall receive it in bucket-loads.

And - be aware of anything an adoption agency suggests for names - as they have their own interests in the naming game.
Be very aware.

a healing adoptee

Yes, because it demeans the biological mother. My a-parents never used this term with me and i know of other a-parents that don't use this term. Trust me Carnie there are other ways to make a five year old understand adoption without using the term "tummy mommy".

purrfectpals5

Background; I am adopted, and I have three children of my own. I have met my birth-mother and she was involved in our lives for a short period of time. I refer to her as my b-mother or my DNA donor (LOL). I refer to my a-mother as Mom, because that is who she is.

I can understand why some people feel the need to bring it down to a child's level; but I have never done so with my children, with anything, and they have no problems understanding a simple explanation. "Tummy mommy" is a crude description and should not be used, as it would confuse children more than necessary. I just now heard the term for the first time, and cannot stand it; the only thing I hate more is when someone (usually my husband's grandmother) tells my children that a dead relative has "gone to sleep" for a long time (yeah, that goes over REAL well, make a child afraid to go to sleep).

magic pointe shoes

Yes. My tummy was *not* mother to my child. I also don't like the association with eating and tummy. I did not devour my child.

punxy_girl

I never heard the term until I read it on Y/A. I know that you dislike birthmother as well, but that is what we use. We do use it respectfully and speak of our daughter's biological/natural/birth/first mother often, respectfully, and even lovingly. Frankly, I think that is what is most important.

tish

...like someone dragging their fingers over a chalkboard.

Not really, but I don't hear alot of people use it. It's not a term I plan on using either.

I do cringe when I hear "Gotcha Day" -- I've never liked that term.

Lori A

YES!!!

First Family makes me chuckle. I feel like I belong in the white house. lol

lahdh4

All I do is cringe when I hear it.
If you cannot tell your child their life story without using real words then you need to educate yourself.
I have a friend who calls herself her sons "tummy mommy" and I just want to look at her and say what???
My daughter knows her story and "tummy mommy" was not needed in the conversation at all. She knows that she has 2 moms: me and the one who is raising her and that we both love her and want her to be healthy and happy.
I have a friend who is adopting and she asked me how she can tell him his story when he is older and I told her. Use real language, not this tummy mommy stuff or you grew in some elses stomach, I told her to keep it real. Start telling him now and fill in the awful stuff later.

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