Adoptees, is it the word "REAL" that you find so offensive?

britt22

well given that u say the child was forceivley taken ia m sorry for that. but that doesnt mean that her adoptive parents are horrible. i am sure they didnt know she was taken from you. thy are her parents i am sorry to say. they raised her clothed her loved her taught her ect. it doesnt matgter the cirumstances because i am sure they ddint know about ur situation. you should not be so cold towards them. and biological doesnt mean anyhting sorry. being biological doesnt make you a parent it just makes you the oerson who gave birth regaurdless of if you were going to be a good parent and raise your child or a bad parent.and yes if a child is raised by grandparents all there life a lot fo the time the grandma is caleld mother just liek an aunt friend of the mothers ect.
i am sorry for what happened to you but you cant walk around offending people like you are. my dad raped me but i dont go around calling all dads rapists, just as much as you shouldt act like that towards all adoptive parents

DropsOfJupiter

I'm not an adoptee, but this one just begged for an answer. No matter what side you're on, the adoptee is the ONE person in this equation who is always totally innocent. They didn't ASK for any of this, and they are entitled to be offended by whatever they want. That said-you don't HAVE to consider your "daughter"'s parents her mother and father, but that is very likely what she considers them and you cannot stop her. It doesn't matter one iota what you think-it matters what she thinks. Also, have you REALLY convinced yourself that your 9 month contribution to her existence matters more than their decades of love, care, and yes, PARENTING? It isn't pretending- in the opinion of most people, it isn't pushing a baby out that makes you a mother. It's feeding, burping, and changing that child. It's sitting up with them when they're sick and crying when they start school. Most grandmothers who raise their grandchildren don't expect the children to call them Mom, but more often than not the children do it of their own free will if they were raised by them from a young age. I refer to my grandma as Mom (even though I already have a great Mom and Dad who raised me themselves) just because we have a special bond and she told me she considered me another daughter. My mother (whom I live with and get along with great) has no problem with sharing her title and in fact encourages it. Incidentally, if you're such a great "mother" than why exactly is it that the ONLY person's feelings that you are considering in this are YOUR'S? All you talk about is how YOU feel, what YOUR opinions are and what sets YOU off. Where do you talk about your "daughter"'s feelings or what she thinks? REAL mothers may or may not have given birth to their children, but they ALWAYS put their child before themselves. Do you think that you're helping your "daughter" by being so venomous about people she loves and probably DOES consider her parents?

Michelle

Calling either set of parents "real" implies that the other set of parents' contribution was trivial or insignificant. Both sets of parents contribute to the raising of an adopted child, and these contributions are as real as the other parents'. It is up to each child to decide if they want to use the word "real", which set of parents to apply it to and who they want to call mom or dad. To most kids who have lived with adoptive parents for some time, both sets are real. If the period is temporary they may or may not, depending on the emotional attachment formed.

It is the child's place to decide what they want to call the significant people in their life. Why can't your child have two "mom"s with no prefixes? It seems as though you can't acknowledge that, although it was against your wishes, someone was a parent to your child when you weren't. If your child loves and values this person and wants to call them mom, let them. Don't let it diminish your position as mother. To my mind, calling one set of parents real suggests that the other set of parents are "fake" which is offensive as adopted children see both sets of parents as real.

We have two sets of grandparents and neither has to be designated as "real" because both are equally important. We use technical terms maternal and paternal to differentiate, as I use the terms biological and adoptive when I have to differentiate. In conversation, I use the term "parents" and, if further clarification is required, name them by first names, surnames, or if needed, technically. To me, the term "real" is exclusionary and serves to diminish the role either set of parents play.

H******

Not at all.

Even my adoptive mother refers to my First mother as "your real mother"

We're cool with it :)

BOTZ

Doesn't offend me. Real is real. My adoptive parents, who I do call "mom" and "dad" when speaking to them... occasionally I will say "your mom" when speaking to my older adoptive sister, who is their biological daughter... are not at all offended when I say "my real mom" in reference to my mom. They know who I mean and they know I mean it.

The only hiccup I've ever had with your wording is not with "real"... it's with "only". Yes, only one woman gave birth to me. Nothing, NOT ONE ACT, can or will ever change that.

But, after my mom gave birth to me, another woman raised me. When I met that woman, she was a stranger. As I grew up, she abused me (and my two adopted siblings... though not her own child). I never felt close to her -- still don't at 37 -- and have never understood her thoughts, actions, emotions... none of it. She is still very 'strange' to me... but no longer a stranger. I grew used to her. She did a lot of the things that a lot of moms do. She cooked food. She vacuumed the house. She grounded me. She screamed at me to do my homework and "stop hanging out with that awful boy".

I am certain that my life would have been better if I had not been adopted. Ideally, being raised by my own mom. Or, both my parents would have been great, too. I would still have a lot of my problems even if I had been adopted by "good" parents, which I wasn't, but I felt the loss of my mother deeply. No "wonderful, loving" home could have erased that pain... even if more pain wasn't added through abuse.

Here's the thing. My mom is my REAL mom. She SHOULD HAVE BEEN my only mom... but she wasn't. Losing me wasn't what she wanted. That wasn't her choice. But... it happened and it hurt us both a lot. Honestly, I probably would have been nicer to her than a lot of people (maybe me, too... I'll go back and check) have been to you if she had insisted, as you have done on this forum, that she is my ONLY mom... and nobody else deserves to be called that. Nicer, yes... but I wouldn't have changed my behavior. See, I didn't have a choice either, at the time I lost my mom. Neither did your daughter. You are her real mom. My mom is my real mom. I'm a grown up now and I am quite enjoying this time in my life when I do, finally, get to choose -- pretty much everything. I still can't choose what others do, though. I can only choose not to let them to it TO me. So, much as I'm grateful my mom doesn't insist on monopolizing the title... I still wouldn't let her dictate to me who I can call what, if she tried. I choose who else, if anyone, I call "mom".

Be mad about what happened to you -- hell, yeah! But, it's just a word. Are you really going to get that stuck on a word that you will force your daughter to choose? Are you going to demand that she declare her choice? Isn't there any other way to heal? You are the ONLY one of you... I hope you are finding your way to peace.

Take care!

Opedial

I just wanted to add I do not like the word adopter either, just an FYI.

It is called respect. Use it or lose it.

LindseyTaylor

Its disrespectful that you are disrespecting the woman that raised your child...you may not appreciate that seeing as you are very angry (understandably since your adoption was coerced) but understand not all adoptions ended as badly as yours did. Most adoptees love their adoptive mothers very much and view them as their mothers, and most natural mothers respect the adoptive mothers seeing as they raised their children.

I realize not all adoptions have this respect seeing as all situations are different but for you to assume all adoptions are bad is very disrespectful. You can expresses your thoughts without offending others. You can say "I am my child's REAL mother" instead of "Natural mothers are the only REAL mothers"

Its all about respect!

Stop the Hate Love instead

There are many real mothers. Adoptive mothers are real mothers, Step-mothers are real mothers, foster mothers are real mothers, Women who give birth are real mothers. Women who become a motherly figure are real mothers.

You may be your childâ€™s real mother but so is her adoptive mother. I am sure your natural child sees her adoptive parents as her parents and her real parents. Donâ€™t know if your in a reunion but as an adoptee if I ever meet my natural mother and she had this thoughts I would be turned off and would want nothing to do with her until she accepted the people that raised me as my parents.

Marina

If my birth mother is anything at all like you, it only reinforces my feelings that I NEVER want to see her. A mother is more than giving birth. I'm sorry for your loss.

kennebunklmt

Arlene, I truly can feel for you. While I haven't been through what you have, I have experienced plenty of loss in my life (including that of a baby that died).

You obviously can feel however you want. And so can I. And so can everyone else in this world.

The world REAL doesn't offend me at all. I have a real/birth/first/biological mother. However, I was taken away from her because of abuse. I also have a stepmom who raised me and is MY MOM.

I think the difference here is that you are the mother and are very angry. Rightfully so. But, there are people who can celebrate the differences and not discard the fact that many people CAN and DO have several sets of parents.

It doesn't make you any less of a real mother just because your child has another person they call their mother. One doesn't 'cancel out' the other.

God bless

Walmart Checkout Girl

No, it's people who, like you, try to dictate to me who is or isn't "real" to me.

smarmy

I'll give you your props on being a real mother. I too am a real mother. I have even stated that if a DNA test was done, I would be declared my daughters mother. BUT I never call my self the real mother in reference to my daughters other mother. My daughter has two very real mothers. I share her DNA and her other mother shares all the things i missed, her life.

I did want to comment on someone else's answer. Thrashing around screaming and yelling about your missing baby unfortunately will only get you a court order that leaves you with no contact what so ever due to your irrationality. Adoption isn't like having a child kidnapped out of your home. It's a whole different animal.

Dorian

As an adoptee I find it offensive to assume someone can only have one REAL mother. I don't have a desire to meet my birth mother but she IS real. She gave birth to me and that makes her my mother. However, my adoptive mom is just as REAL. She raised me, loved me, provided for me, etc. - everything a mother does. So I guess it bothers people because from your questions it sounds as if you are saying a child can only have ONE real mom. A real mom can be a mother who gives birth, an adoptive mother, a stepmother, etc. - anyone who meets that emotional need and has a parent/child bond.

kidmindi

I don't mind you using the word real. My first mom is my real mom. My adoptive mom was(she's now deceased) my real mom too.

My first mom is my real mom because she carried me, birthed me and raised me for the first 21 months of my life, and because I love her. (just got off the phone with her a bit ago actually)

My adoptive mom was my real mom because she was there for me when I was sick, taught me right from wrong, listened to me cry when I had my first boyfriend breakup drama, got me ready for the prom, paid for my wedding, attended the birth of my first child, and was there for me as an adult when I needed her. I love her stil and miss her now that she is gone

I have two sets of parents and they are BOTH important and real to me. I love them ALL

LinnyG

No, only WHO uses the term and HOW they use it.

JennaBear

well, but you saying "real mother" is just putting another prefix in front of your motherhood, is it not? i mean, i don't know many other women who introduce themselves as johnny's real mother (except ap's, and now you).

gypsywinter

Arlene....slow down sister. I don't know what support group you have been attending..just my opinion here....I don't believe it is serving you well. You can, for yourself only...determine all day long that you are a 'real' mother...which in fact you are. But you to have come to grips with the fact, the reality, that your daughter was raised from infancy on with people she came to know as her mother and her father and those 2 people are very 'real' to her. And will continue to be so. I am not my daughter's mom, another woman has the title and whether I like it or not...that is very real for my daughter and all the anger in the world is not going to erase that fact. I am my daughter's mother, I am my daughter's natural mother. My daughter does have 2 mothers...that is a fact of life. And from what she tells me...she loves both her mothers. Arlene, please feel free to contact me privately any time. The adoptees here are not your personal enemies...they are not your daughter and the adoptees aparents here at YA, did not "kidnap" your daughter. Target your well-deserved anger and your energies towards the people who engineered the surrender and adoption of your child. Channel that anger where it deservedly needs to go....the Adoption Industry.

Peace! Sister

AnnaBelle

Arlene,

Your pain is evident, but I agree with Gypsy. You need to find a different way to channel it.

I also question a support group that encourages righteous indignation to the exclusion of trying to find peace.

Deciding that virtually every user here is a moving target is not very healing, and it certainly will not give way to discussion, or especially change.

Good luck.

Wannabe Swan

You are a real mother, I never said you weren't. But the word real can be misused. Like when you said that adoptees don't experience "real" pain, rather "perceived" pain.

You should feel real, you are. But we are all real and we all experience real pain. No one's pain is more important than another's. The only way we can bring change is if we all work together.

Real doesn't offend me, being denied does.

Brittany B brakes for turtles

If your daughter was "kidnapped" why didnt you go to the police?
I dont get it, yea sure i understand there are some pretty slick slimmy people out there who really know how to manipulate people into believing things...but i hear people on here saying they were coerced into giving their children up for adoption...why not as soon as you started to understand or catch on to what was going on why didnt you throw a fit?...if it were me i would kick scream go on an insane rampage to at all cost get my baby back...and if they wouldnt give them back. go to police and get them involved, i mean come on, how smart do you have to be to know that if your baby is being taken away and you dont want it to be thats illegal and they cant do that unless your hurting the child... with that said its the way you word everything...

cathrl69

Well, in some cases you will be insisting to adoptees that a woman who abused them, maybe abandoned them, maybe even tried to kill them, is their "real mother" and they can't have another one.

And you're insisting to adopters that they can't be parents...even if they had nothing to do with coercion. Even if they adopted a child who genuinely had nobody else. What about a woman's husband, if he marries her already pregnant after she's raped...is he a "stranger" now? Is it impossible for him to be a parent? How about if he marries her after the child is born? Is he still second best and not worthy of the "parent" title? That's effectively what you are saying.

I'm sorry, but that's just rude. If you want to consider yourself to be your child's "real" mother, that's fine. It's just a word. It doesn't mean any more or less than "first" or "birth", because that's all you're using it for - just as another alternative. But to say that a couple who raised a child for years are "strangers" is just plain offensive.

You're a real parent. No question. However...

"I truly believe that I am her only Mother, always have been, always will be."

Right. And what does _she_ believe? Doesn't that matter to you?

I'd be thoroughly offended if I had decided for myself that a woman who loved me and cared for me and brought me up was "Mom", and suddenly someone else announced that no, she was the only person I was allowed to use that term for. That stopped being your choice a _very_ long time ago.

Sam

It sounds like your anger is separating you from your child.

Your daughter has parents that raised her. She isn't just going to walk away from her life & all the family she knows because you don't think it's "Real".

Rosie

It is the tone of voice you use. Your voice gets strained and you raise it up from a talking level. It also gets a little shrill.

People don't like fingernails on blackboards either. And REAL sounds like that to me. Like a wail.

So much pain. I am so sorry for your losses.

Mom to Foster Children

While my son has a "real" as you call it mother - I am also his "real" mother. The one who feeds him / clothes him / helps with homework / mends boo boo's and such. While we adopted out of Foster Care - an unlike your situation - this is somewhat insulting as I am also his Mother!

blank stare

Several others have expressed things that occurred to me to say (whether or not I might agree with their particular formulation of the point, they have covered much of the ground I wanted to).

But there is something that occurs to me. Maybe it'll be helpful, maybe it won't. I don't know what happened between you and your daughter, and I won't speculate.

For me, though, I have long felt put in the middle of my parents. All of them. They didn't do that explicitly. None of them ever made me choose, but I still felt as though I was expected to take sides, to prove my loyalty. That's a pretty rotten thing for any child to experience (and those who have lived through a divorce probably know what I mean, whether or not you've been adopted).

Moving past any quibble I may or may not have about the word "REAL," your posts trigger me because they seem to suggest that adoptees should choose. That's an unfair burden to place on a child. Maybe you don't mean it. If you don't mean to make your daughter (or other adoptees) choose, then I would simply ask you to consider how your language puts us in an uncomfortable (and for some of us, downright triggering) position. If you do mean to make us choose, then you are being unfair.

And as for the language itself, both of my mothers are just that, mothers. Even calling yourself a "REAL" mother is a kind of differentiation. Most mothers don't use that adjective, so you are calling attention to yourself as different. It also serves to separate you from your child. In asserting your connection, you drive a further difference between the two of you. Who does that help?

I don't know if this is helpful, but I would ask you to think about it.

Kari N

It seems to bother you that adoptees choose to call their adoptive parents real? Really, can't we all just get along?

Anha S

Because no one should define what is "real" to an adoptee. Whether it be someone with your stance, or any of the number of people who come on here and dictate to adoptees that their AP are their only "real" parents. I get that you are angry. That you experienced a huge loss that was out of your control. But you don't get to define real for me, or any other adoptee any more than the next guy.

I'm truly sorry for what you experienced. But all my parents are REAL.

Lady Rowan

I think it's the way you use it, implying that other adoptive parents aren't "real." My a parents are very real.

å°é»ƒ

Because adoptive parents are real parents too.

We get to define who our real parents are. I'd be just as insulted if someone insinuated that my biological parents weren't real, either.

Tonia

"Mother is a biological designation, giver of life." "Mother" also is the person who raises you. Both are REAL. Why does that bother you?

myst1998

I know what you are saying. Most people here cannot comprehend what it is like to lose a child unwillingly and have the decision totally taken out of your hands. They do not want to understand what it is really like for a mother who has had a child literally TAKEN out of their arms just to satisfy another person's whim/desire to have a child. Most here like the popular view that adoption is all rosy and "wonderful" (puke) and invalidate the real issues it has.

You are your child's real mother. That can never stop, just because a piece of paper changes the legalities... you are interlinked with her forever.

Just warning you, most here don't care where a person is coming from. You will be attacked merely for standing up and having a voice.

All the best.

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