Adopters, what excuses do you use to justify taking another woman's child?

myst1998

Wow, what a lot of assumptions we have on Y!A today based on the answers here.

Whilst many of the adopters here are screaming they didn't deem anyone unfit, that is not entirely true. Anyone who assumes the title and role of being a mother of someone else's child does so with a little superiority... they are, in their minds, more deserving of this child and the child's own mother isn't. Hell, I have even heard this out of the mouths/fingers of many adopters so no one can say its not enitely the case. My own daughter's adopters felt they were better and more fit, and told me this. (Despite the fact they abused my child by over feeding her and ruining her digestive system and I picked up on this 2 months before the Drs did anything about it!!)

The gall some people have... so those here who are feeling all wounded by this question need to do some very deep digging to face all aspects of their decision to adopt. I am not saying in some cases the situations were that the mother was unfit; I am just saying ya'll need to be more honest with yourselves and realise your motives are not entirely altruistic.

OP, I am very sorry you are hurting and you have been abused by the adoption regime. I know you are angry and you have every right to be. This place is not going to offer you any comfort or support and as you can see, you will only get defensive, judgemental responses in return.

I wish you whatever peace you can find on this harsh journey.

Natalie

where exactly do you find your information, "realmother"? Your allegations are a childish nonsense!
a mother is someone who raises the child. so the term real mother means someone who raised a child I and took responsibility for her/him and gave that child all she possible could emotionally & financially.

An adoptive parent does not determine if a mother is unfit. A mother herself decides that parenting isn't for her and then she contacts either an attorney, an agency, or a private couple that wish to adopt. Prior to that private couple has to have a home study done wich is a very long process, in which background check is performed. Usually these couples are highly educated and mentally and financially stable, otherwise they would not be permitted to adopt. So please understand that if you attempt to place a judgement on someone, first recommendation would be to know what it is you are talking about prior to judging (if you have nothing better to do, that is)

Susan

am, while i am al on the side of birth parents, and also i love my adoptive parents, your question is s**t cos birth mothers, the ones who werent forced into it, consented. the adopted parents didnt walk into the natural parents house and take the baby cos they decided they weren't good enough. also adoption agencies and social workers have abig part to play. the adoption wouldnt have happened otherwise.
babysitting? my adoptive parents have been babysitting me for 25 years if thats the case. social services while sometimes make bad choices do often save children from extremly dangerous information. its not all the adoptive parents fault.
are u a troll or just a very angry woman who had your child taken away? if so get some help and maybe inquire as to why social services took your child.

ROCHELL, you also need to educate yourself on the complexities of adoption. a child should know who their parents are, whatever the stories happen to be, when they are at an appropriate age which depends on their birth situation. and adoption is not about making an "unloved child a loved one", plenty times the natural parents love the child but cant for some reason keep the child. also a lot of people adopt simply cos they cant have their own kids. not as black and white as u make out.

Carol c

Welcome back Arlene.....yawn!
What excuse do you use to justify your need to cause trouble?

cruzgirlz3

Ya know, buried beneath your baiting, hateful tone is a good question. I wish you would change your approach. You seem to be only wanting to stir things up. If you really are a first mom, which I am beginning to doubt, your perspective can be valuable. But damn, change your tone!

My adopted mother was told my first mother had an affair. She was "loose" and irresponsible. My adopted mother took some comfort in thinking that my first mom was a "loser" who was unfit to parent. We recently found out that my first mother was actually a widow who agonized about giving me up. She raised five kids, was married 38 years, and is the proud grandmother of many. She is a wonderful person and mom. My adopted mother was a little shocked to find this out. It was disturbing and for the first time she felt some guilt. She deals with it by not wanting to talk about my first mother AT ALL.

I would be curious how other adopted mothers deal with similar situations. Do they feel guilty when they learn the truth? How do they deal with it? These I think are valid and interesting and fair questions.

7rin

My adopters didn't need to make an excuse, instead all they had was a visit off the next-door neighbour because her sister had 'phoned her 'cause a friend of her friend had a baby (me) that she wanted to abandon 'cause she couldn't be arsed to put the effort in to look after me.

Perhaps if you'd put the effort into raising your own kid instead of abandoning them, they'd want to know you and think of you as a "real" mother, but since you so obviously didn't, then you don't deserve the title of Real Mother - not until you step up and do some damn parenting!

All of my parents are Real Parents, but I feel so damn sorry for your kid that zie only appears to have three real parents, and not a "real" mother at all (after all, what Real Mother would begrudged their screwed-up-by-an-adoption-that-you-instiâ€¦ their genetic info. that could mean the difference between life and death)!

Just a Mom

You are so silly! What a sweet real mom you are.

Mom to Foster Children

I didn't decide on my own! The judge did after multiple chances for multiple years! she chose drugs over him - simple fact!

**** off - babysitting! didn't know babysitting was 24/7 for the last 5 years - I call that abandonment from his parents! he calls all of us mommy and daddy - he has two sets - YOU FREAKING MORON!

we talk about his mother ALL the time - about what were her dislikes / likes / favorite colors / foods...etc! I don't care if he loves her MORE than he loves me! That is the least of my worries - I worry about him in general. He KNOWS he is loved by all of us!

Stop the Hate Love instead

Adoptive parents are real parents not babysitters.

My parents did not take me from my natural â€œmotherâ€ she gave me up because she had no support from her family to raise a bi-racial child and because she had no funds to do so she was addict who often lived on the street. If I ever meet my natural â€œmotherâ€ I will be calling her by her name. My parents werenâ€™t even looking to adopt when they became foster parents.

I truly feel for you â€œReal Motherâ€ you clearly carry a lot of anger in you and need to let that go. Accept that your natural child has another set of parents who are her/his real parents. You should also understand that love does not have to be more or less. I will be adding you to my prayer list because you are in dear need of it.

LindseyTaylor

Arlene...How I've not missed you. Glad to see you've come back with a bang! and still up to the same old tricks...

I would hope they let their children know who their real mother is...and even if she was an awful abusive wretch of a person always say that she gave them up because she loved them. No need to slander her name...she did give them life after all...as far as the loving them more than you? How about you let the kids make that choice. Its not for YOU to say whats normal on who loves who more.

Why would they call them by their names if they are their parents? By adoption or birth...they are parents. Legally, emotionally, whatever...their parents (Why can't you have 2 sets of parents? Doesn't make one real and one fake.) And babysitters get paid, and get to send the kid home at the end of the night. Stop trying to blatenly offend people...its getting old.

Some mothers are really unfit...by ANYONES standards. But I almost forgot...you think children are better left in abusive homes that traumatized by being separated from their mothers. And THEY didn't decide the parent was unfit...an adoption requires either the mother reliquishing the child or the state taking the child, where in there did the APs decide that anyone was unfit??

You have serious issues you need to deal with.

â™¥â™¥The Queen Has Spokenâ™¥â™¥

Darlin..... An adopted mother IS THE REAL MOTHER! she's the one who gets up with child with a case of the hives. Or a case or the stomach flue.

You are NOT TAKING another persona's child! That Person GIVES you a child that they know they can not provide for!

The child KNOW who the REAL parent is! That's the person there every single day.

Now the. An adopted child may at one point wish to find and meet their Biological parent. That is acceptable. And I encourage it so that the child can at least find out about the genetic health issues in that family.

When you are a young person with few options in life it's a GREAT GIFT to give your child a Family that Truly can care care for them.

Sam

I didn't decide anything The state decided both parents were a danger to their children & removed them.

I'm not a babysitter I am now their legal parents. They call us what they are comfortable with, that happens to be Mom & Dad. We also ARE their parents, so no need to lie to them.

The kids remember their bio parents, the beatings, starving for days, always being dirty...they really remember the "rescue" & how nice everyone was & how they got clothes that fit, food & baths. Sorry to burst your bubble but our kids are deathly afraid of their bio parents. I'm sure deep down they love something about their parents, that's OK parenting isn't a competition for us.

kennebunklmt

I didn't decide she was unfit, the state of maine did. She actually quit caring for all 3 of her children. Crack was more important. Such a good REAL MOTHER she was to them!!!!

Doubtful that they will love her more. Differently and as much? sure! I know from experience it's pretty hard to accept and forgive someone who abuses and neglects you. Which is why I will be there to comfort them and help them through it.
She will likely still be in jail or still a crack addict, so I don't think they will ever meet. If she does clean up, I will be more than happy to introduce them. I don't pretend to be anything. I am their real mother and my husband is their real father. We certainly aren't imaginary people who have imaginary homes. It is possible for a personal to have several REAL people in their lives.

cathrl69

Sweetheart, give it up.

Adoptive parents are real parents too. Not babysitters. They get called "mum" and "dad". They are loved.

You can scream and scream until you are sick all you like. It won't change a thing except to make people concerned that every woman who gives a child up for adoption will be like you, and determine to have as little contact with them as possible. Who would want a child to have any contact with someone who will tell that child who they should and shouldn't love?

Pip

I'm not an adoptive parent but your questions do bother me enough to respond.

Adopters, what excuses do you use to justify taking another woman's child? - My son's adoptive parents had their reasons for adopting including wanting to give a child a loving home.

Have you decided among yourselves that their real mother was "unfit"? - They didn't decide I was unfit nor have they ever thought that. They believed what the adoption agency told them which was that I didn't want to be a parent and wanted my son to have two parents.

And how did you determine unfit-was it based on the fact that she was young, single, poor? - They knew I worked for the civil service so whilst they knew I was young and single they also knew I had a well paying, secure job. Being thought as unfit had nothing to do with it as they believed that I was fit enough to be a mother.

Are you truthful at all times to the child you are babysitting? - His adoptive parents were never babysitting him but yes they were always truthful that he was adopted. They are his parents, they raised him, love him and would give him the world if they could. At the same time they acknowledge that I am his mother as well and am as real as they are. They are decent people are refer to me as his mother, natural mother or other mother depending on what context they are referring to me.

Do you remind them to call you by your names as you are not, in fact, their parents? - Why on earth should my son refer to his adoptive parents by their first names? The only time he does that is when he is talking to me but I don't expect him to and have told him that. Just because they adopted him doesn't make them babysitters they are his parents.

And how do you ensure that the child knows who their real mother is, and do they know it's acceptable and normal to love her more than they will ever love you? - My son's adoptive parents have always been as honest as they could be about me as they could only tell him what they had been told. I know my son will never love me as much as he loves his adoptive parents but that doesn't bother me as I expect him to love them more as they raised him and I expect him to be more loyal to them.

Not a sweetie

I am not an adopter but you sound like someone who'd rather wake up to the news that yet another baby has been found dead in a bin! People don't individually define "unfit". If you need to have a spit about social services, then contact them directly and enquire about their policies.

LaraSue

I am thinking you created this new account just to stir the pot..well have fun with that for as long as it lasts...

Tonia

Adopters, what excuses do you use to justify taking another woman's child?
--I don't need to justify anything... I did not take a child away from her biological mother, her biological mother gave her up. Big difference.

Have you decided among yourselves that their real mother was "unfit"? And how did you determine unfit-was it based on the fact that she was young, single, poor?
--I didn't determine her mother as anything. I do not judge her at all. She gave her child up... you'd have to ask her.

Are you truthful at all times to the child you are babysitting? Do you remind them to call you by your names as you are not, in fact, their parents?
--I don't babysit anyone's children. So, if you need babysitting advice go to the teen section where you can talk to others your age about related issues.

And how do you ensure that the child knows who their real mother is, and do they know it's acceptable and normal to love her more than they will ever love you?
--My daughter knows love. Love is love. I have love for her biological family as I have love for her adoptive family members. To teach her otherwise would be detrimental. If you were taught that way, or really beleive it, please seek help. It's out there you just need to make the first step and call.

Protecting the baby

I think the real issue here is that someone (you) was an unfit parent and had their children taken away, right? I know there are stages that you will go through with your lose and right now, you're in the anger stage. When you get over this and stop blaming everyone else for what YOU did, maybe you can start making the necessary changes that needs to be made to get your children back. If you are a druggie, there is help out there for you. Seek it. If you are a child abuser, there's also help out there for you. Seek it. Whatever your problem is, you can get help with it and become the REAL MOTHER that you claim to be. Until then, I hope you don't get your children back. I hope they stick to their rules and make sure that you seek help before allowing those children anywhere around you. Otherwise, it will be your children that we find next in a garbage bin or being turned out to turn tricks to support the REAL MOTHER. If you had your children taken away, you obviously did something to make that happen but the sooner you realize this is your problem and not ours, you will do a lot better trying to clean yourself up. I feel really sorry for people like you that can't see that they are causing their own issues in life instead of playing the victim. I adopted through DSS. I know that some adoptions are done privately and I can't say anything about those because I have never been there (never experienced any of that). But children are adopted for different reasons. Stop critisizing people and figure out why your children are about to be adopted and fix the problem. Obviously, you want to be a mother, then be one. Make it happen by solving the issues in your life first!

Rochelle

you are horrifically ill-informed about how the foster system and child welfare system works.

do your research first before you start ranting about non-sense.
to answer your ridiculous ravings- child protection services decide who and what makes an unfit parent. not everyday society.
they do not base unfit on being single, young and poor. they would assist that person, not take their children away.
if you have adopted a child, it is for life. you are not "babysitting" in any way. their are your child and they should call you mum and dad.
if the child was unwanted and willingly given up, came from an abusive or drug-filled home, or is orphaned because both parents are dead, then why in the world would you want that child to know this? why would you want them to know who their mother and father is?

Kari N

Hey, be a better Mom and these things won't happen

â™¥â™¥Mum To Superkids is engagedâ™¥â™¥

I didn't decide his parents were unfit, a team of social workers, the family court and even his own grandmother did that. I don't judge my son's parents as anything, I recognise they have a lot of issues and problems and if ever they decide to work on those constructively I'll be more than happy to support them in any way I can.

Yes, I'm always truthful with my son. He knows he has two sets of parents, both who love him very much. He knows I'm not his biological mother and I did try for 6 months to get him to call me by my first name but he decided very firmly that we were mum and dad.
As for the babysitting, I'm still working on the pay rise.

Well he sees his parents every month, so it would be kind of hard to forget them. He knows that love, in all it's shapes and forms is acceptable and to be celebrated. He doesn't love to order and I wouldn't ask that of him.

Erin L

"Have you decided among yourselves that their real mother was "unfit"?" No, my child's FIRST mother refused to even look at her at birth due to a birth defect, and my daughter became available for international adoption after 5 months when domestic adoption was exhausted as an option. Had my daughter's biological mother not refused to raise her daughter and decided to do it, she would probably be a very fit mother and the best thing for my daughter. She is raising my daughter's older sibling, and by all accounts a good mother. Fact is, she WOULDN'T raise my daughter.

As for for the second question. Of course my daughter that I am PARENTING, MOTHERING (I've babysat before, it's quite different, LOL!) calls me Mommy. She knows she has another mother.

I ensure my daughter knows who her BIOLOGICAL mother is by showing pictures, talking, and being open to any questions. My daughter knows it's acceptable to feel however she feels about anyone. I worry more that she won't end up giving her first mother a chance - she's got some things to feel pretty hurt about. I'm perfectly fine with the amount my daughter loves me, thank you very much.

mr huh

Seek help. The adoptive parents don't make the call of unfit. Young single and poor is not unfit, there are other issues at hand. Don't pretend like there is not. Accept responsibility.

Ferbs

Hmmm....well yes OP, I did decide to have our son's bio dad abuse his first daughter and then manipulated people I never met to legally apprehend him at birth because his first mom didn't see the problem with raising him in another country with this pedophile. And did I ever hit the jackpot getting the bio dad deported!

Darn though...she wasn't young...she's older than me so I couldn't pull off the young bio mom piece.

And I've tried...really...I've tried to get paid for babysitting but since our son keeps calling us mom and dad...damn it...they won't pay!!!

Thank goodness we have an open adoption though because when he's ready to tell us to buzz off so he can love her more...he can do so. How's that for forethought!!

Dorian

First of all, adopters are not "taking another woman's child", the child's mother is relinquishing the child for adoption. I'm not talking about the BSE era, but modern day adoption.

I was adopted at birth and my mother didn't "take" me from my birth mother. My birth mother contacted an adoption agency. That was her choice. My mother (the woman who adopted me) was in no way "babysitting" me. She was in fact my mother and of course I called her mother and not by her name. I knew who my real mother was - the woman who was there every day, who took care of me when I was sick, who played with me, taught me and sacrificed for me to have better than she had growing up. That's a real parent. If I ever did meet my birth mother (I have no desire to do so), hopefully we would be friends, but that would not change who my real mother is.

You obviously have a lot of anger. Please seek counseling, hopefully this can give you some peace in your life. Recognize that not every birth mother, adoptive mother or adoptee agrees with you and respect their feelings and opinions - which are just as valid as yours.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: