Am I wrong not to want to meet my birth parents?

Randy B

Its a personal choice that only you can make. I have never met my birth parents and have never really given it any thought. I`ve not looked for them and other then when I am here and its being discussed its not something I`m concerned with in my daily life. That`s my choice as you have yours and nobody has the right or the business to tell you otherwise.

â˜†Mandi Due in April with a boy!â˜†

Let me just start by saying that I commend you. this must be a very difficult situation for you to be going through. let me give you a little back round.. I got pregnant at 17, and had my son at 18. I decided that placing him for adoption was the best thing. The father was not around, nor did he plan to be. I would like to clarify one thing though... Just because you get pregnant as a teen does not mean you are an "idiot". I was on birth control, and we used a condom. Trust me, it's rare, but it can happen. I was doing everything I was supposed to do to prevent pregnancy. I currently have an open adoption, which means that I see my son regularly, and am in constant contact with the adoptive parents, and my son calls me his "birth mom". your situation is a little different, but I want to explain one thing to you... Giving the gift of life to a couple who Truly deserves it, like your parents, is a beautiful thing for your birth parents to have done. It actually makes them the opposite of idiots, because they were mature enough at the time to realize that they could not care for you the way you deserved, so they decided to give you better. Placing a child for adoption is Truly the most unselfish thing any woman/couple could do. It just shows how much they love you. In my opinion I think you should give them a chance. meet them, see what they are like. You might find that they will actually fill some void you didn't know you had. If it doesn't work out than at least you'll know you've tried. Try to think about it from their perspective a little. As for wishing that you finding out you were adopted never happening... I don't think that is possible. You will deal with this in your own way, and whatever you decide will be the best for you. I just wanted to give you another point of view to consider.

Panda

No, it's not wrong.
They may be your birth parents, but real parents are the ones who raised you and have always been there for you.
In the end, it's your decision

ii wannt to bee foreveer younng.

I am so sorry <3. Well, I understand that you think they are/were immature for getting knocked up at their prom. They should of been more responsible and that was their mistake.But, everybody makes mistakes and they probably feel awful about it. Also, think about it this way, if that night never happened then you might of never happened. So even thought it was incredibly immature, it gave you a life. right? If you don't want to meet them then that's your decision and whether they like it or not, they have to understand. But, could meeting them be worth a chance? One day you might really want to know who your real parents really were, but you might never know. The parents that adopted you will always be your true mom and dad and you will still love them. So, should you at least meet your parents? If the answer is no then go ahead just don't meet them, it was a stupid thing then and you like your life;; you don't need them now you wont ever need them. But are you thinking about meeting them? Just to know who they are and to actually meet them, you might really love them and want to make them a part of your life. Good Luck, i hope i helped (:

Benjamin

I recommend keeping the letter, just in case you ever change your mine, However if I could go back, I wouldn't have meet my brother sister of biological parents, it was so not worth it. But, that was my case, and may not be yours...

Star

No,you aren't.You have parents that have raised you and love you so if you do not want to see your birth parents,don't.Good luck on your choice.

Pip

It's your choice nobody should make you feel that you have to meet them. Not all adoptees want to meet their first parents - it's a personal choice.

When I first contacted my son if he had told me he didn't want contact I would have accepted it and put personal feelings to one side.

Cambria

First of all, this is entirely your decision. You don't have to do anything that you truly don't want to do.

The one thing I would advise against is making a permanent decision without giving yourself enough time to adjust to the the news. This is a big thing. I know what you want right now is to pretend that nothing has changed, but the reality of the situation is that something has changed and that while it may be easiest to ignore it and shove it aside, the healthiest option would be to face it and to deal with it. Whatever way you decide to deal with it is up to you.

If you take the time to fully come to terms with it and still feel like you don't want to meet your bio-parents, then that is your choice and you have every right to make that choice. However, I think you would be doing yourself a disservice to rush a decision of that magnitude.

My suggestion would be to take some time, possibly talk to a counselor, give yourself the space to acknowledge what has happened and to allow yourself time to adjust to this new aspect of your life, and then make an informed decision about what you want to do.

Carol c

I agree it's your choice.
I really can't understand however, why you aren't more upset with your adoptive parents who lied by omission by not telling you you were adopted. That's pretty unethical. Even the mental health professionals say that , but of course you have the right to feel differently.

However, it sounds like you're not really looking for answers so much as to just have people agree that it's ok for you to ignore the people who gave you life.
Again - that's your choice. Do what feels right for you.

Lysol

hi. my names amanda. i recently quite suddenly got in touch with my birth parents yesterday. i have to tell you that if it weren't for these people, you wouldn't be around. its wrong to think they are idiots when you don't even know them. now that you know that you are adopted, questions are going to arise no matter what you think now, about where you came from and who you are. you'll see. i would advise you to get in touch, not meet unless you want too, but phone calls emails... it helps

Serenity71

You have had a lot to take in all at once.You can't go backwards, the truth is truth, and its part of life that things don't stay the same.

At the end of the day its your choice to meet them, and your its life, you have decide whats the best course at this point in time.
If you chose not to meet them then at least write a letter back saying you're not ready at the moment, or you may never be. In 5 or 10yrs time that could change and might want to meet them, but for now just stay true to how you feel about it and act accordingly. (Don't do things just to please others, its worse than denial.)

All the best!

RN2B

No it isn't wrong, but I wouldn't be angry at them. Look at the parents you did get. They gave you that gift.
If you don't feel you are ready, don't feel forced. You are not obligated on meeting them by no means. Don't make any decisions until you know for sure what you want to do.
As long as you have any doubts about meeting them...don't.
Just know you will never be able to pretend it didn't happen now that you know. So if you have any questions, get them answered. Perhaps you can start with just exchanging emails.
Something else to think about, In the future, you may want to know family medical history. But that doesn't mean you need a relationship with them or that you need to see them.

7rin

How about a compromise? How about get in touch with them long enough to tell them that at this particular moment in time, you're not in the least bit interested in having any kind of contact with them, but that you'll accept updated address details, should they change, and that you'll provide an address that they can send these details to, even though it may not be your own?

You've only just found out about this. If you throw away any contact details now, you may kick yourself in the future. Heck, if you're planning on having any kids of your own, you owe it to THEM to at least find out what genetic legacy you're passing on - susceptibility to hereditary problems can be negated with knowledge of your medical history.

I'd advise that you don't completely lose contact, but point out that you currently have no interest in knowing them personally, and may never have that interest.

Juice Box

Hun,
Honestly it's your choice.
I understand why you don't want to.
I made that choice.
I meet my mother and father.
It helps a lot :)
trust me.

dontknow86

You don't have to make this decision, now. You have the rest of your life to think about it. Take it one day at a time. Take a deep breath and let this sink in.

gypsywinter

You have a long, long journey ahead of you and you are very young. You have a right to what you feel today...surely this as all been very overwhelming for you. One day, when you get your feelings and anger sorted out, you may change your mind. You'll know what to do when you are ready.

And sorry...you aparents should have told you long ago..your world has just been rocked and didn't need to be, if your aparents had made you aware of your adoption long ago. Lying is lying...even lying by omission.

Still I hope you keep your heart and mind open...you have much to digest and learn, at your own pace.
Pandora's Box has now been opened and no matter how much you try or your aparents try...it can never be closed again.
But I understand that feeling..in the early years of my reunion..I often thought my prior Ignorance Was Bliss..and many times I yearned for those blissfully ignorant times about adoption. Like you...once I opened Pandora's Box..there was never going to be the chance to close it again. As time has gone by...I am thankful I opened up Pandora's Box..it repaired many old wounds, taught me many, many things (even things not related to adoption), I have met many great people thru this experience (IRL and the internet), and have made a few close friends as well. And #1....I met my daughter for the 2nd time in my life and she met her mother once again also. And as much as she tried to keep her head in the sand...today she will tell you...she is glad I found her. Many of her unanswered questions are now answered...the holes, gaps filled in for her..as well for me.

Take it easy, try to relax...a door has been opened ... you don't have to go thru it yet, if you don't want to. But it is open for you when you feel ready to walk thru it. You will know what to do when the time is right for you.

a healing adoptee

it's your choice. However why didn't your parents tell you that you were adopted. that is like lying. my parents were open and honest with me and others on here their parents never lied to them either.

So, maybe first you and your parents need to have a sit down and talk about why all these years they lied to you. Adoption is nothing to be ashamed of. i'm proud of being adopted and you should be too.You and your parents should never have to hide that!

CDraBella

I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I can't imagine the pain, hurt and confusion it must have caused to find out in such a way that you were adopted. I can't tell you how you should feel about spending so many years of your life being lied to, but I can tell you, that I just don't see any reason why your aparents would have kept the truth from you for so long.

After all of that, I can understand where you just want it to all go away, go on as if nothing has ever happened. To have your life suddenly be something different than you believed goes further than just being a shock and you are trying to find a way to cope with what you have gone through and so many of us can understand where such coping can sometimes urge us into pretending it never happened.

This is your life and nobody can tell you what to do with it, but I hope you will give yourself some time to process and heal from all you have learned before making any decisions. You have so much future ahead of you. So many changes still to come in your life. You never know what you might or might not want down the road. And, in time, you might learn that you not only want to contact your first parents but that, also, their story and truth isn't the same as what you carry inside of you now.

It has been seventeen years after all and they obviously still care and think of you. Doesn't sound like "idiots" to me.

Damitra

You can't erase the past, just by throwing this letter away. Seventeen years ago was a different time and place and things were done differently. Young unmarried people have conceived babies for thousands of years. It is nothing new. The way society has dealt with this has evolved. It may have been expected that your natural parent's relinquish there rights. Not always a choice as people seem to assume.

You definitely have a lot to think about and you can't erase the facts. You not only have another mom and dad, but you may have brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents. These people may have thought of you every day of there lives. You have no idea about your ancestry. Even if you want to just erase all of this. Your future children have a right to all these people, and there ancestry information.

Right now it is probably a good idea to deny contact because you are not equipped with the wisdom, emotional understanding, maturity, or compassion for the other parties involved. But, I would leave the door open to contact in the future. Because, as you mature you may gain more understandings in life.

Be respectful and kind.

Leslie N

You do not owe our birth parents anything. Is it sad for them to not meet you and see what a wonderful person you are - yes, but they knew when they gave you up that they gave up everything that has to do with you. They gave you up for adoption not only for themselves but so you could have the life that your adoptive parents have obviously given you. It is entirely up to you if you care to see them or not. One day once this settles in you may want to, but it is never something you should feel you have to do. And should you ever want to it should be on your terms...not theirs.

H******

You're not obliged to do anything. Not caring about your heredity may be OK for you; but don't expect any children or grandchildren you have to feel the same way about it. The very least they deserve is to know if they're going to inherit the gene for breast cancer or any of the myriad of genetic diseases that the Surgeon General advises all families should know about.

What was wrong was your parents witholding such important information from you

snowwillow20

Your parents should have told you that your were adopted.
Your birth parents should not have sent the letter to you, since they didn't know that you had been told.
You do not owe your birthparents anything but please keep an open mind. They are not your parents but perhaps one day you could be friends.
I found my daughter when she was 29, she is a lovely, loving young woman. She told me right off, that I was not her mom and she would never call me mom but that she wanted to include me in her life. It was a good decision for us. She loves her Mom and Dad and that is the way it should be.
Don't keep them hanging, answer the letter and explain that you did not know you were adopted and you are not ready to meet them.

kitta

Your adoptive parents should have been truthful with you. You should have been told you were adopted.

Most adopted people are told they are adopted.

You do not have to meet your biological parents. But, hang onto the letter. Someday, you might change your mind.

It might be a good idea to write back and tell them you are not interested at this point....if that is how you continue to feel.

myst1998

Well, I think right now you are in shock which is understandable given the way you discovered you are adopted.

I know you want it to go away but it can't. It is a part of your life and one day you may feel the desire to meet with these people who you are a part of whether you wish to accept or not.

You owe nobody anything. It is your life and you can do what you want.

Right now, I wouldn't decide anything. I would write to them and let them know you only just found about your adoption and need some time to digest this new information. It really is a lot to take in.

I know a mother who lost her child to forced adoption and has just found out, although her adoption is supposed to be open, that her 11 year old daughter knows nothing about her. It is heartbreaking. There is much about the world of adoption you know nothing about. Please don't throw the idea out, just take time out to gather your emotions.

The mirage is over. Things can never be the same now the truth has come out.

AP's who hide the truth from their adopted children are selfish individuals who care for no one but themselves. Ugh!

ETA: I think for now you are hurting and so can't see straight which is fair enough. You are also very young and things like this change with wisdom and maturity. You are not just borrowed genes. Your personality is also made up of who your natural family is as well.

As for hiding the truth from you, yes, that equates to lying. I understand you don't want to see your adoptive parents in any other light than what you have seen them for the last 17 years... but what they did was WRONG and nothing you can say will change that. This doesn't mean you love them any less if you accept that. And if you did one day meet your first family, that doesn't mean you are making a choice between one or the other. I understand you need to feel loyal to your adoptive parents. Just know that getting to know your first family doesnn't take away any of the love you have for your adoptive family. They both can have room in your life if one day you feel you can cope with that.

For now though... just put the letter away and try to digest. Rash actions now often lead to big regrets in the future.

All the best!

LinnyG

I disagree with you. Your parents lied to you. Period. It is not your natural parent's fault that your adoptive parents lied. How can you trust ANYTHING your adoptive parents now tell you, when they lied to you about the very basics??? I find that to be cruel and child abuse.

The truth is you are adopted. You have 4 parents. They all have different roles. You do not know what roles your first parents have until you meet them....but when you do, it is undeniable.

I suggest you write them back and say you need to think about this for a while. There WILL be a day when you want to meet them, not to mention that you will need to know your medical history.

Please remember that when you were given to your adoptive parents, THEY were strangers, too. As was your bf, your cousins...etc. I am THRILLED I have more people in my life who love me & more for me to love, too.

Walter Ford II

I feel your pain but my situation is the opposite.

Take it from me....your aparents are dishonest liars as well as deceitful.

My Aps couldn't play "pretend that I wasn't adopted".......we are different ethnicity's.

All they can do is withhold information about my mother so I can't search and they hope I forget her.

Christina

You're not wrong for feeling the way that you do. Lots of people who are adopted have no desire to meet their birth parents. To be honest, you really don't 'owe' them anything. Maybe someday you'll feel differently and want to meet them, but for now you don't have to see them if you don't want to.

Theresa

Wow, I'd be so angry if I found out I was adopted that way. To get a letter out of the blue like that. I've always known I was adopted.

You know, it's really not true that only idiots get knocked up, at prom or otherwise. Sometimes birth control fails.

First off, if you already have plans for holiday break you certainly don't have to change them, but maybe reconsider throwing out that letter? Right now you've got to be feeling a ton of turmoil and you're under no obligation to make a permanent decision. Later on down the road you may want to get to know them.

I think for now the courteous thing to do would be send them a note letting them know you weren't aware you were adopted and need to work some things through. And in the interim, maybe read a bit being a late discovery adoptee

Here are some articles about it:
http://www.latediscovery.org/articles.html

It's really not fair for you to have found out this way. For over 50 years adoptive parents have been advised to tell their children they were adopted as early as possible.

senoritaz88

Anastasia, I am sure you're so overwhelmed with all the answers you've been getting, but I thought I could help you out a bit.

I am also adopted, but I've grown up knowing it. I know absolutely nothing about my birth parents, and I don't care to know.

First off, I think it's wrong that your birth parents did not contact your parents before they contacted you. I'm surprised they were able to do this without the consent of your parents.

Anyway, as I said I've known I was adopted my entire life. But there is one thing I didn't find out until I turned eighteen: the birthday that I had celebrated for 18 years was actually incorrect. When I was adopted, the adoption agency "changed" my birthday so that my birth parents wouldn't be able to find me by searching for babies born on that day.

When I found out, I was devastated. I could not believe that my parents lied to me for 18 years about this. Although it may seem like no big deal, it was to me. So many questions ran through my head.. Why would they keep this from me? What birthday was I supposed to celebrate from now on? How do I know they didn't lie about other things in regards to my adoption?

It's been 3 years since I found out and although I still cannot believe my parents lied to me, I know they did it with my best interest at heart.
You may be upset with your parents for not telling you that you were adopted, but they did this because they love you and they wanted to protect you. In regards to your birth parents, don't feel bad. If you don't want to meet them, you don't have to. You have two loving parents and that's all you need. Don't feel bad for wanting nothing to do with your birth parents. You don't owe them anything.

I don't have any desire to find my birth parents either, and I don't feel bad about this.. you shouldn't either. You've lived so long in a loving, happy family and that's really all that matters.

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