Can anyone explain this statement about adoption?

cricketlady

Just another statement from someone who is anti-adoption. And I can not believe there is such a thing as a secret adoption since it is all a matter of public record---TO A CERTAIN EXTENT. Adoptive notices are in the daily paper in most large cities every day. When I and my daughter meet new folks and we do introductions I say--this is my daughter Maria --I don't say anything about bio. 1st, 2nd, or any of that other stuff. Adoption made her my child and that is all I feel is necessary. I know Dozens and dozens of adoptive parents and we Never go int the "blood thing" I figure that would be a little too much.
Since there will always be a NEED for adoption I got on the bandwagon a long time ago. Until we can figure out how to rid of the world of abuse, drugs, neglect, and ALL that goes with it we will need foster and adoptive parents. Another subject where we need to "think outside the box".

â™ª Hit Mumbo!

It means that adopting a child affects them in such a way they lose their heritage and family roots within prime blood relation and are being falsely proclaimed as being blood related to someone else of which they are not. It's a radical statement that doesn't think about why the child was put up for adoption or the story behind each child up for adoption.

and no i don't know any, as adoptive parents dont go around saying their children aren't related to them, they usually keep it a scret from everyone, including the child. which is sometimes better for their sake.

Sarah

i as adopted last friday from my real parents and i am 15 so i know but it definatly makes it easier in my case for me to be claimed as my adopted parents biological kid because he is a teacher at my school so its easier plus i look just like him and his oldest daughter

i think adoption is great cause if i wouldnt have been adopted i would still be in an abusive home and not in a home where i can be healthy and what not

people are idiots not everything is bad but like ok maybe never telling a child that they arent ur biological child that could hurt and they may never be able to meet their true parents if thats what they choose however in my case im old enough to make the decision of saying i am my adopted parents biological child so its different

AnnaBelle

Well, that statement, like many that you'll find on Y!A, is ignorant, and denies a large percentage of the people involved in adoption their experience (and no, I'm not just referring to AP's).

It is helpful to remember that many of the people making these statements are in an extraordinary amount of pain. That doesn't make their assertions correct, or reasonable, but it certainly provides some context.

My husband has 4 cousins who were adopted (2 from one family, 2 from another, 25 years later). All were very aware of their adoptions, but it was definitely talked about more openly in the first family who adopted. Seems strange almost, because one would probably assume the opposite, but, that's why assumptions are so harmful.

One of the cousins from the adoption 45 years ago is very, very open about her adoption, and when she found out that we were adopting, was a huge support and source of information. And yet, the 20 year old from the second family won't even talk about it, even with his parents, in spite of them trying. Could be age, could be personality, could be because he's happy, could be because he's in pain. Only he could say.

In spite of a lot of the propaganda, on both "sides", there are people involved. People are dynamic, and everyone's experience, like everything else in life, will be dramatically different from the next.

Donna A

My adoptive parents never hid the fact that I was adopted. They answered all of my questions as honestly as they could. They told me that I was and always will be their own. I am and always will be their daughter. I think it is important that adoptive parents are always honest with the children. Answer all questions that is asked. If you don't know the answer, say that. But tell them if it is important for them to know the answer, maybe they could find out. Let them know that they are their own children regardless of what anyone says. You don't have to be birthed into a family to be a member of it.

Ferbs

That kind of statement is irresponsible and misleading but it is usually from someone who has had a poor/terrible experience so that is a very strong opinion for them.

The unfortunate part to posting that among other outrageous, blanket statements is that it does not do justice to ANYONE.

Potential bio parents who have to struggle with making a decision. How helpful is that? They already feel guilty or conflicted.

Potential adoptive parents who are genuine in their wish to have a family and do so through adoption. Most of us wouldn't dream of denying our adopted children this information.

And lastly...most importantly...it does an injustice to adoptees who may one day decide to seek their bio parents (if they don't know them already) and are led to believe they were deceived all along...despite being raised in a good home. It makes it sound like they have to pick a position or a family over the other. It was well written here already that this need not be the case.

I have seen many "anti-adoption" or "pro-adoption reform" posters state a balanced view which is more helpful than a generalized, blanket negative statement.

Bri

A lot of people I know who have adopted kids, have told they're kids they're not they're real parents once they get to an age when they can understand.
In a lot of adoption cases, you can't tell you children they are adopted until they reach a certan age.

...

Anything that starts with "Adoption is", is usually either a lie, a generalized statement or BOTH.

Some people will create a steaming pile of lame slogans and toss them against the adoption wall to see what stick and stinks the most. "They" want "Us" to get emotional so we will say thing that they can use later.

I can think of a lot of "Adoption is" statements that "May" be somewhat true in an abstract way, but I'm better than an that.

cottonlily84

First off I don't know what this anti-adoption person's problem is. Half the stuff she says makes no sense, the other half is absolutely false; all of it is her own miserable opinion anyway. So don't give much weight to anything she says if you're looking for real help and answers. This statement for example is ridiculous. Not all children are sheltered or removed completely from their "blood relatives". Those children sometimes have close relationships with birth families, even their birth parents. So in those cases no one would be lying to anyone. It would all be out in the open and everyone would understand the situation.

Children should be told they are adopted from the moment they are. Even if adopted as infants it's not something you should hide from your children. Children should be allowed to get used to the idea and come to grips with it, rather than accidentally finding out one day while rummaging through the attic. Adoption is just another way someone forms a family. It's not an ugly secret or something you must protect your children from.

Wundt

I have never met any adoptive parents who kept the adoption a secret or lied about the adoption. They might state, "we are a family" or similar statement that blood isn't what makes a family, but never would they pretend that the adoption didn't happen.

I think the statement is a extreme politically and extreme oversimplification, and says more about the person who made it than it does about the issue of adoption.

SJM

I don't know why anyone would want to personalize and defend oppressive law. I suppose it's because they made the choice to participate in the process. I didn't. Adoption was thrust upon me. I am adopted, and I necessarily define myself as an adoptee, but I feel no nostalgia toward adoption laws. They're corrupt. Closing your eyes to that and defending it by stating that not everyone who adopts participates in the corruption doesn't make the world a better place. Adoption laws were written with the purpose to lie to the whole world about who a child's blood relatives are. There are people who take advantage of these laws and use them to exploit the children they adopt. It happens. Pretending it doesn't happen does nothing to improve the world. Being bitter over a fact does not change the fact.

Opedial

we don't lie who their blood relatives are. Adoption is not a lie if done right.

maybe

"Adoption is lying to the whole world about who a child's blood relatives are".

This is quite true due to the falsified birth certificate that is issued upon an adoption. The false birth certificate replaces the names of the natural mother and father with the adoptive parents, who most certainly did not give birth to the child. So, how is that NOT lying about who a child's blood relatives are?

Anha S

I think it's a truthful statement, and one that makes perfect sense. My aparents weren't the liars in my instance, however, my government most certainly was. My documentation states that an infertile woman and her husband conceived and birthed me. Not only that, but they also changed the number of births too. If that's not secrecy and lies, I don't know what is. And yes, it is something that enables some AP to pass the adopted child off as their own. It happens. It shouldn't, but it does.

monkeykitty83

I assume the statement refers to the state amending birth certificates upon adoption finalization to make it seem like the adoptive parents are the child's biological relatives. It's an archaic practice from a time when adoption carried much more stigma than it does now, and there's really no place for it in the modern world. A child could just as easily have a certificate of adoption and the birth certificate left unaltered-- if the rest of the legal system was set up to accept that, which it currently is not.

I don't think it works as a blanket statement about adoptive parents. Some parents never disclose that the child was adopted (though again, I think the frequency of this has diminished in recent years as the stigma has become less,) and/or deny the child contact with biological relatives even when it would be possible and safe for the child to have it. But that's people making bad decisions at an individual level. It doesn't make sense as an "adoption is" statement, because it isn't the practice of every adoptive parent, far from it.

So yeah, assuming the statement is based on fact and logic, it refers to the state legal system's practice of amending birth certificates, not trying to imply that every single adoptive parent personally lies about their child's biological heritage.

kitta

The statement makes sense legally. Adoption "birth certificates'' state that the adoptive parents gave birth to the adopted child...at least , in the USA, they do. I don't know how every country handles adopted peoples' "new" birth certificates, or if they change them the way they do in the USA.

In the USA, adoptive parents still have the option to lie to the child if they want to. A few states have opened records to the adopted person, but if the adoptive parents have lied, and if it isn't obvious(same race) the child may never know.

7rin

As many others have already covered in their answers; I'm not stating that the afamily are going around hiding the adoption (although some do), nor that they are stating that the adoptee is their birth child[1] (although again, some do), but I am stating that LEGALLY, adoption is _exactly_ lying to the whole world about who a child's blood relatives are, because that's what the PROCESS of adoption does; it eliminates all legal ties to any history the child previously had.

It's not a radical statement, but a truthful one that is based on the facts of the process.

[1] Woot! an actual use for "birth child" - I should go back to the question that was asked the other day. ;)

Jennifer L

As others have said, yes, there are people who are "late discovery" meaning they weren't told about their adoption for years, or sometimes were never told and discovered the truth on their own.

But I think the statement speaks more to the practice of amended birth certificates which happens after adoption. The original birth certificate, listing the biological parents is "sealed" and unaccessible. An amended birth certificate is created, listing the adoptive parents, but there is nothing that indicates on the document that it was amended or these are the adoptive parents. So for all intents and purposes, the amended birth certificate states that the adoptive parents gave birth to the adoptee.

Many would prefer to see amended birth certificates done away with, or at the very least, list both the biological and adoptive parents and be truthful about the nature of both.

Cambria

I know a family who is lying to their child. Their younger daughter is adopted. The family knows (obviously), the parents' friends know, their older daughter's friends know, anyone any of those people happen to have told in the last however many years know. It is ludicrous to me to assume that their daughter is never going to find out.

I can't imagine how betrayed I would feel to find out my parents had spent my entire life lying to me.

dowhanawi

I am a Lakota Woman who was stolen (yes literally stolen) from my family by government policy, placed in a white foster home for the purpose of assimilation.

During the 1960's and 70's they did this to 80% of our people. The Geneva convention declared this an act of cultural genocide.

I have met many like me (obviously since the did it to 80% of our population in my generation). many of us came to homes that denied (at the hands of corporal punishment) us our culture, homes that thought our culture was unimportant or irrelevant, homes that thought it was no longer our culture due to adoption...so yes adoption (with or without lies) had this effect. Now I did meet a few whose parents attempted to give their adopted/fostered Native child their culture but ultimately failed; resulting in the same effect. I believe this is because there are aspects of culture that can only be learned through living it. Such aspects are mannerisms, style of speech and sense of humor (all of which play a major role in culture that is only obvious to those of that culture). Consequently you can learn your culture put not really be a part of it. This took be a long time to get back, I think I only got it back because 1) I had learned some before being stolen. 2) married back into my culture and completely left those outside of my culture out of my life.

Cross cultural adoption will always have a negative impact cause love can not replace identity.

Tonia

The adoptive parents I know (including myself) don't say they're blood relatives. I think that statement refers more to a birth certificate being changed. That part is pretty ridiculous. I can understand adoption papers, but to change a birth certificate is well, stupid.

Patricia C

I know several pairs of adoptive parents and they all have told family and friends that their children are adopted.

Sunny

Everything about adoption is PRETENDING, which is a form of lying.

All so that APs will feel better, as it benefits NO ONE ELSE (except maybe the agencies and attorneys) in the 'triad'.

It's emotionally unhealthy to be raised in a socially manufactured situation--even for APs.

Maybe if EVERYONE stopped pretending (i.e. lying) , everyone would be healthier. APs would be less "shocked" and "saddened" that their little adoptees want to know their natural families.

Authentic love does not demand that children pretend that they have no interest in who they are--that always blows up in the end.

Flaming June

"Adoption is lying to the whole world about who a child's blood relatives are"

If you read my amended birth certificate, it states that my Adoptive Mother gave birth to me. That is incorrect.

Adoptees are NOT second-class citizens. They should have the same right as non-adoptees and should be able to go to the vital records office and purchase a certified copy of their original birth certificates. They should be cross-referenced or attached to their amended (adopted) birth certificates and their identities should be restored.

This is a civil rights issue. No one should be denied their identity or ethnicity.

Becca

Well since our daughter is Chinese and we are not, a person would have to be a moron to think we are the bio parents.
It is just hard for some people to wrap their brains around the concept that some of us did NOT adopt in order to fool the world into thinking we gave birth to that child.

Bridget

my brother's two oldest kids don't know that they're not biologically his. i think it's a terrible idea. ad far as i know, the rest of the family knows, and when they find out they'll be pissed.

LinnyG

I know several "late discovery adoptees". Meaning they were NEVER told hey were adopted, and their adoptive parents just acted like they did indeed give birth to the child, and that they are blood relatives.

Not all adoptions are the same, and thankfully, most of the adoptive parents I know, both here and in real life do not lie to their children...but there are some who still do this, and it's child abuse, in my opinion.

***ETA*** After reading other's answers, I have to edit my answer. The government, in MOST cases, does lie. My adoptive mother did not give birth to me, yet that is what it states on the most important "legal" document I have, my birth certificate. So yes...almost every adoptee I know, both here and in real life have a legal document which lies and states we are blood relatives to our adoptive parents, which is a lie. Our adoptive parents signed it. Were they intentionally lying? No...it's what the government required them to do. :)

Honest & Sober

"So how does that statement make any sense?"

As a closed adoption adoptee it does. The idea behind closed adoptions was to keep cut all blood ties, keep it a secret and supposedly to protect the privacy of the natural mother.

After a long fight with pro-adopters it wasn't until the early 1990s that records were unsealed (in Qld, Australia). Some pro-adopters are still fighting to return to the days of secrecy and lies.

Also when someone is adopted the "birth" certificate is changed to legally reflect the adoptive parents as parents. Some countries and states may differ on how they modify the "birth" certificate. You may get an amended birth certificate or a full birth certificate naming both parents. With an amended certificate it present to the world that your adopted parents are your blood relatives. Unless people know your adopted, most people are none the wiser when it comes to birth certificates. Most other people would just accept your adoptive parents as your birth parents. So unless people know your adopted its lying to the world about your genealogy.

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