Connotations of the term "first mother"?

Opedial

I use it as she was his first mom, I am his now mommy. We actually use the term other mom the most.

But to get this right, it can be hurtful to use:

birth mom
bio mom
first mom

I want to be sure I use the right language and I struggled with first mom because I didn't want to be "second" mom, but I don't really use that with my child we all know who we are talking about, its not like there are six mom's like on Big Love!

I will never though be happy with natural mother, because it then makes me the unnatural mother and that I can't be happy with, so we use other.

Gaia Raain

I see it two ways: chronological, and importance. The first mother came first, adoptive mother came second; and without her [the first mother], this child would not exist. She is the absolute most important person in any human being's life. (And as I've said before, each person should have the right to define their own feelings, so many may not FEEL that their first mother is all that important...but again, without her, there would be no "them", so she is immensely important.)

tish_part deux

number 1. it's seriation (happening in a series). it's both factual and respectful; and the relationship is not simply reduced to a biological function.

SLY

Frankly, Felicitas, I am sick of playing the PC Game. I am my son's mother, or natural mother. It was the common usage of the day when my son was lost to adoption, and I refuse to define myself by language that was not even yet coined at the time of my loss. Further, I will no longer allow others to define me, or determine for me what I will or will not be called. It is not their call.

BOTZ

I use 'natural'. In my case (and I'm ONLY talking about MINE) my a-mother was about as UNnatural as it gets...the 'picture' of everything most people DON'T associate with the word 'mother'...so, for me, it works.

I have used first mother a few times IRL and here. To be honest, when I say it to anyone who doesn't know me well, they think I've been adopted by my father's "second wife" and that "first mother" refers to his first wife...so that would make it (1) for me. But that's NOT what *I* think...that has been the perception of others when I've used the term.

Natural mother is more clear. NATURE only gave me one mother. Legal 'fanageling' gave me the other.

Anha S

I use it along the lines of (2). I'm not sure there will ever be a term that everyone involved in adoption is completely comfortable, it seems that regardless, someone's toes are getting stepped on, but when I call my mother my first mother, all that means to me is that she was the beginning of my story. Its not meant to insult, hurt, or make anyone feel less than. Its a label I use online, when talking to my sister we refer to my first mother as our mother, and my amom as my mom.

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

To me it means simply: The first mother the child had.

cmc

I'm not really happy with "first", "natural" or "birth" mother. I try to use the first two because many are offended by the third. I don't have a term that I think is great. I would have to say "first" is more like (1) above, but even that isn't very clear. If somebody knows a better term than these I would be happy to use it.

Controlled Chaos

Heather ~ Not a Perfect Mom ~

When I hear first Mother, I think of your 1st example. That is why I prefer to use other Mom. This does not diminish her role in our son's life or mine. We are both his Mother and we have both had a great influence in his life.

I do agree with Sly though. No one should tell anyone else how they should refer to themselves. If my son's other Mom wants to be called his Birth Mom, Bio Mom, natural Mom or just plain ol' Mom, I don't have the right to tell her what she should call herself.

myst1998

Number 1... it is really just the same as 'birth' mother. Just another term to negate mothers of children lost to adoption.

Indian-vision

I would go with (2). Also i would look at it like "first" as in importance. As in adoptive being in the "secondary" position.

BUT this is MY opinion !

jenastrab4*s

I have an adopted sister and come from a divorced family and so have a stepmother and honestly I think at first reaction --

one has lost the first mother they had and now have a sort of second mother, from death from divorce, from some other unexplained separation but adoption scenario did not enter my mind until reading your explanation.

We say natural mother or birth mother when referring to my sister's birth mother who contacted her recently. My sister's choice.

cathrl69

It doesn't matter what name we pick now as being polite and respectful. In five years it will be associated with all the negative connotations and considered rude.

Why is "birthmother" rude? To me it seems entirely clear - it's the mother who gave birth to the child. How is that rude, and where does "former" come into it? It's not rude because it's rude - it's rude because it's been used in contexts which people don't want to associate with. And that happens to every term, one after the other. Just look at all the words which have been used for "disabled". Every time one becomes accepted and a common part of the language it's suddenly considered an insult and we have to have a new one. This is no different.

Lori A

I can see clarity in both descriptions. I personally like Kazi's husbands opinion on the subject. We are both mothers, and haggling over pecking order and importance is a waste of time.

We use mom and mother. I am my daughters mother, but as someone else pointed out I was NOT there to raise her. that would be her mom and dad who did that.

Annabelle

To me it seems like #1, I dont like it but I use it bc that seems to be what people prefer.

rachelrmf@sbcglobal.net

I had never heard of first mother before coming on this board. I had used the term birth mom, but I was corrected. Now the term fist mom means to me that she will always be a mother to that child. When I adopt I will call myself mom and when the child is old enough they may decide to name the two of us whatever they like. But our child will always be raised to know our aunt as their mom.

SJM

I don't even like the way (2) sounds. I have an oldest child, a youngest son, and a daughter. I don't assign numbers. Assigning numbers makes something sound replaceable, repeatable, and a part of history. My (adoptive) daddy told me that I'll only ever have one mother, and I should always respect her. I was listening very closely when he said that. Other women may have acted as my mother, but only one woman IS my mother. She's not my first mother. She's my mother.

spydermomma

Hmm, interesting question. Of those choices I guess I'd have to go with number 2, because to me it doesn't imply "former" mother at all, just the one that chronologically came first.

And actually, first wife doesn't actually >mean< former wife, it just means that if there is a second one and only one wife is allowed! If there are multiple wives, then the first one is usually the "senior" or highest status.

As an adoptive parent I'm also not offended by the term at all. To me it does not imply at all that I am not as good. The word "first" has 2 meanings - first in time and first in standing or importance. I think of it as simply meaning she was the first mother my daugher had, chronologically. And yes, that makes me her third mother (she had a foster mother for most all of the time before we met her - we call her "foster mommy"). I don't call myself third mommy very often, though I have explained it that way to my daughter at least a few times. Third Mom is actually the name of one of my favorite blogs by an adoptive parent! It just doesn't feel like an insult at all to me, as an adoptive parent.

I'm very sorry it feels dismissive or insulting to some natural mothers, as it is the term that has become my most favored. I use various terms, but to me first mommy has been the one that is clear, short enough to say, and to my mind not judgemental or dismissive. I hope it comes across that way to my daughter as well.

ETA: I especially like what MamaKate and Freckle Face have to say.

ETA: I also want to say that I like the term First Mother (or first mommy), because to me it seems value-neutral. I want to indicate my respect for my daughter's mother and my regard for the importance of her position. But I also try as much as possible not to have >my< views color my daughter's feelings and thoughts about her Mother. I believe that relationship belongs to my daughter and not to me. For us, First Mother seems to be the term that is most value-neutral and I hope it will let my daughter have her own feelings about her mother and her family of origin.

ETA: I also completely respect what Sly says. She absolutely gets to decide what term applies to herself. We all should get to self-define. It is only respectful to use terms that individuals prefer when we are talking about them.

...

I'm going with (2).

First as in, well, first, primary, original, before me.

Andraya - Snark's Sister

To me it feels like number 1. I used to be his mom and now I am just the one who was cast aside for another woman.

MamaKate is an Aunt!

I use First Mother because it is the most comfortable for me in my situation (since I am not "allowed" to be just Mother). I prefer "other mother" or "original mother" but that confuses people.
"Birthmother" is offensive for obvious reasons.
"Biological mother" is to clinical for me.

To me, First Mother means both of your definitions. I was my children's first, as in original mother - before D. was. And in my "open adoption" I have been treated like an alienated parent of divorce so it makes sense to me.

I can understand why some APs are upset by "Natural Mother" so I don't use it. I guess I should maybe not use First Mother because it offends some APs too. I do feel, however, that when people get offended by these terms it is because they are looking for a reason to be offended. (AMs get the coveted title of "Mommy" anyway so why continue to be offended by every other term for a child's other Mother?) I think alot of this comes from possessiveness and insecurity on the part of both B/F/O/N Moms and AMs. Why can't a child have two Moms?!

Bring on the thumbs...

Carol c

For me it means the sequential order of an adopted person's two mothers.

but I am a mother - that's what's on my son's original birth certificate and what I still am. I'm not a former mother because adopted people always have two mothers and two fathers. I don't feel comfortable with birth mother because I didn't only give birth - whether he (or others) like it or not - I continued to love him and be concerned about his well being for all of the ensuing years.

I think parenting is different - i don't feel I was there to parent my son - but nothing can take away the fact that i was and still am his first or natural mother.

blank stare

(2)

gypsywinter

On my surrender doc from 1964 it simply has me as 'Mother'..no qualifiers or disqualifiers. In 1964 the term 'first mother' or 'birthmother' had not even been in general use, if at all. In most of the old research material it is either 'mother' or 'natural mother' (for the surrendering mother). It would be somewhere in the mid to late 70's that 'birthmother' would come to be coined as official 'respectful adoption language'...for who?? I don't identify with birthmother (my choice), nor do I call my daughter 'birthdaughter' (UGH!). If need be I will identify myself as 'natural or first' mother. I had my daughter the good old-fashioned

Sunny

To me it sounds like 1.

I like natural mother/or bio.

Freckle Face

Hi Felicita,

First Mother to me implies......the original mother, natural mother, or biological mother.

kateiskate is getting married

To me, "2". My first mom will always be my mom. She made the decision to carry me for nine months and gave me life.

I love my amom to death, but my first mom will still also be my mom no matter what.

aloha.girl59

(2). I adopted my son, but he knows he has two mothers: the one who gave birth to him and loves him still but was unable to parent him, and me.

Kazi

I had an emotional reaction when I first heard the term. I thought it implied I was second best. My husband, who actually has no interest in internet boards or forums, said that it sounded like a matter of chronology. There was a mother that came first. It does not mean she was better; nor does it mean she's dead or unimportant. Just that she was first.

Actually, truth be told, hubby can't stand labels at all. He doesn't understand why it can't just be "mother". He says "you're all mothers, what's the problem?"

I guess not everyone needs the "boards" for enlightenment :))))

monkeykitty83

The connotations for me are what you said as #1-- like first car, first home, first job. It sounds to me like starter mother, and definitely former. That's why I never use it, personally, even though I know that's not what other people mean by it.

I don't think "first mother" actually implies that per se... that's just what it sounds like in my own head.

I tend to stick to "biological" as it's a scientific fact who gave birth to whom, and is not opinion-based.

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