Do I HAVE To Tell My Son He's Adopted?

Ruth

I was going to answer. I never told my daughter she was adopted. She's 23 and has no idea, I plan on keeping it that way.

Adrayana........ LOLZ, you actually waste your time looking up people's old questions, get a life.

Thea

megananne031

You've done a wonderful thing. I hope to do the same when I get to be a little older.

As for your question...
Well you could hide it... but, if he ever found out, he would probably be hurt.
You could tell him... but your afraid of being resented.

If you do tell, it should be sone when he's older and can understand the concepts, but you cannot predict how he will respond or what he would want to hear.

Plus, seeking out biological parents isn't a hit at you, but a curiousity to know where he came from. So if you told him and he did that, you'd have to understand. Haven't you ever thought "I got my eyes from my mom" or "It's my dad's fault I'm so short." These may sound stupid, but we have that inherent curiousity to know where we came from, thus Geneaology.com being so successful.

I think you could see how I'm leaning: I'm a firm believer in being as honest as possible. I'd tell him. You just have to be open to the idea that he may wonder. Chances are he'd resent the people that gave him up - not you. Plus, I would never wanna wonder things like that about myself.

Who are you really worried about hurting here?

Austin H

You can be like most people and let him find out on his own. BUT if you do decide to tell him, don't lie about it.

Janessa

NO PLEASE DO NOT TELL HIM! I was told I as adopted at 11 years old. I sought out my biological parents and I really wish hadn't. That reunion was nothing like I imagined. I really wish my parents would have never told me. There is no need for him to know, you are his father and that's all he needs to know. You are the one kissing boo boos and you're the one who is going to be there for his first day of school, prom, graduation, first girlfriend and first heartbreak. That's what a father is, and in this situation you're mom too.

You're not being selfish, you're a dad, looking out for his best interest and yours. =)

If you choose to tell him. Tell him now, get him used to the idea so that he grows up with it.

Do you have to tell him? No you don't. But let me ask you this, are you the only one who knows? If there is even the slightest possibility that he could find out some where else, I would reconsider not telling him. My son is adopted and I adopted him at birth. I admit to having my own fears of him wanting to see his birth parents some day. It is a fear that I think all adopted parents have, some how biology may over take our years of love and caring for the child. After many years of trying, my husband and I were never able to carry a child to term. And so we choose adoption and people in our church and family knew. So I have told him that he is adopted. He is five years old. And I did not seat him down and tell him he was adopted like he was an adult. I told him that he was chosen to be my baby. When he was a little older, I told him he did not grow in my tummy because I couldn't have a baby grow there but he has grown in my heart and I love him more than anything. I have ready Bible stories of how Moses was adopted because his birth family could not care for him at the time and how Jesus was adopted by Joesph. We have talk about how some kids get adopted as babies and some as children. I want it to be a no big deal thing to him. When we meet new people or when I started him in school, I do not tell them he is adopted as there is no need for them to know. But I never wanted him to feel that I was ashamed or that he should be ashamed the he is adopted. My son and I have discussed why his mother gave him up. I told him it was because she wanted the best for him and it was not what she could provide. As for your son's birth mother, I would tell him she put him the the safest place she could. While we may not agree with her action, we do not know what she was running or hiding from or trying to keep him safe from. Putting a baby in a basket and sending him down a river, would be frowned on today but in Mose's time, it saved his life. Your fear is a valuated but you need to think of him and if you were him, would you want to know. good luck

My hovercraft is full of eels

I can only tell you what I know, I am 17 and was adopted when I was a few weeks old, I don't know when my parents told me, but there was never a time when I can't remember not knowing. I love my parents (my ONLY parents in my opinion) and I have no desire to seek out my biological parents, everyone is different though and he may want answers some day down the line. Don't think he will think any less of you because you are his adoptive father. I think you should tell him, I can't imagine how hurt and confused I'd be if my mom and dad had waited until now to tell me that I was adopted.My parents and my brothers are my family, my real family and they always will be, there's more to family than just being related.

yourannoying

I would wait until he is old enough to understand. I do think you should tell him, if you decide to do it now, or later. It may deeply hurt you for him to seek out his parents, but you have to stop being selfish. He will still love you, but it is only natural for him to want to meet his biological parents.

If you tell him soon, it will probably be less of a shock later in life. I would try to talk to an adoption specialist or psychologist or something to get their advice.

Wellspring

"Do I absolutely HAVE to tell him?"

Oh no, by all means, don't tell Ernie. Let one of the other family members do it when the mood strikes. Or better yet, let an ex-friend, neighbor, co-worker, casual acquaintance, or a stranger tell him all about never seeing your wife pregnant but suddenly you were walking around with a tot. Now if all else fails, imagine how Ernie will appreciate the extent you went through to buy a gravestone to coincide with his birth and all, when he discovers his birthday doesn't match newspaper obituary archives or the copy of the death certificate he can easily get through the state.

Dreamer

Do you "have" to tell him? No, you don't. People won't come to your house and torture you until you tell him the truth.

HOWEVER, I believe it would be a huge mistake not to tell him. I actually suggest that you tell him now and every single day for the rest of your life. Family has NOTHING to do with blood relations. Family is all about who you love and who stand by you every single day. I think it would be better for him to accept that you are his father through adoption rather than you creating this web of lies that he will most likely figure out one day. First of all, I assume you don't have any pictures from the first two years of his life. And with all of the information available nowadays he will easily be able to look up information about you, your late wife, and himself when he is a teenager.

Creating all of these lies is not the right way to build a family. Telling him that you love him and you wanted a child so much that you brought him into your life and will always be there for him creates a family. If you lie to him it will only blow up and cause him to resent you when he is older. You should talk to people who are adopted. Nowadays, almost all children know they are adopted and it's ok. They love their parents and they still consider them their parents.

He is your child. You are his father. You are not some stranger and shame on you for thinking he will consider you that. You gave him a home and love. Your friend probably resents his family because he was older when he found out. When children are younger it's much easier for them to accept things and grow with that knowledge.

â™ªâ™«â™ªâ™« Robert â™ªâ™«â™ªâ™«

This is Catch-22 material this. I'll give you my point of view as an adopted kid. If I had found out at sixteen or eighteen I was adopted I would have been furious. My life up to that point would have been a lie and I would have had nothing to do with my adopted parents. It's always better to be truthful as a parent because the child won't appreciate lies when they're older - especially if they've found out from a third party.

Matt

I agree with Linny , You have to tell him! If you decide not to and he finds out on his own , He will never forgive you! Adoptees have enough things on their plate as it is, the last thing they need is for their adoptive parents to lie to them....

Mom to Foster Children

No you don't have to TELL him - he will find out eventually when he realizes that he looks nothing like you or anyone else in your family - or maybe when he needs to fill out medical history God forbid he needs to for some serious life changing condition that is heredity! Start of your relationship on lies - that will definitely keep him from looking! I smell a troll here! Please return the child to the outside of the hospital - will have a much better life than living with some selfish parent who adopted to fill HIS needs and not the needs of the CHILD!

Serene E

No, you don't have to tell him. But sooner or later, it comes out. A blood test where his blood type doesn't match yours, a genetic disease that nobody has, find papers or pictures, etc. etc. etc.

Brittany B brakes for turtles

thats going way too far!
you may see him as your son but he's also an individual
who has rights to know his roots...
he's 2? dont you think it would be best for him to grow up knowing he is adopted
then waiting and telling him when he's older or waiting until he finds out on his own?

ranger_alpha

I think you're making a HUGE mistake if you don't tell him! From my perspective i'd be pretty annoyed if i found out later on you were keeping it from me.

Think of this hypothetical situation (Which hopefully would never happen but lets face it, it could):

Many years from now You have the early stages of Alzheimers/Dementia and Ernie is going through your paperwork, He finds the adoption records and discovers his whole world has been the opposite of what he thought.

He has a choice: He can put you in a nice home with decent carers, Clean, Well looked after etc

or there is another home which is wallowing in it's own filth, You'll be greeted by a Nurse Ratchett, You'll be neglected and treated like dirt until the day you die! And ernie will never visit as he'll still be mad at you.

If my father had been that dishonest with me he'd be off to Nursing Home no 2! Just remember your child makes all the decisions once they gain power of attorney if you lose your marbles!

You may not like having to tell him but man up and do it once he gets to an age appropriate to understand, It'll be much worse if he finds out by himself later on or a relatives has a few too many drinks at a family BBQ and lets it slip!!!

sizesmith

By telling a child at 5, his sense of self is already destroyed. I show my son pictures of his first mom and dad at least once a week, telling him they were the first ones who loved him, and then we look at other family pictures, and talk openly about adoption, where it's common knowledge that he's adopted.

Chances are, there's a cousin, sibling, or other relative that eventually will "accidentally" let it slip. Even a neighbor who knows differently, who might assume you've told your child, and they say something, or if you remarry and the step-mother wants to adopt your son with you, and it comes out in the paperwork, or if you died, and then your entire memory would be questioned, if he found out from the paperwork. Or, if you take him to get his driver's license, and he realizes that only you as an adoptive parent is on the birth certificate. A child's birth certificate either says both parent's names, or unknonw, but if there's no parent listed at all in the opposite space, then it means they're adopted by a single parent.

If you love and treat your child right, and in a helpful way, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you even if he does search. He'll know you're the daddy that held his hand when he was scared, wiped his tears when he cried, cheered him at the ball games and more. If he finds out another way, you'll be the stranger to him that he hates. I can't believe you passed a home study with this attitude.

Every happy/healthy adoptee that I know always knew from birth. The ones that I see who are resentful and hateful about it seem to have been late life discoveries, and their attitudes towards adoptive and biologcal family has issues.

My son's adoption is totally open, and he has two moms who love him. I'm blessed to be there to raise him, and I'm very confident in my position. Today, he didn't want to go to his grandpa's house, because he needed me. The way he said makes me know he loves me. Love is something that there's always room for more within the trust boundaries (such as marriage), and our confidence in ourselves as parents is more important than our selfish feelings. I urge you to include adoption as a normal, healthy, happy attitude, not as a secret to be ashamed of.

Johnsmuffinpie

Absolutely! The sooner, the better. One thing many adoptees people are unhappy about is remembering some traumatic time in their life when they discovered or were told they were adopted. I always knew...it wasn't a horrible secret. I just came into the family a different way than my sister did, but it wasn't presented as any better or any worse. I never had any reason to feel shame about being adopted. I just 'was'. Please make sure your child knows right away that he just came to you in a different, albeit wonderful way. Good luck.

Rosie

Yes, sweetie, You do absolutely have to tell him that he was adopted. You do it after you go to therapy to discuss your feelings of loss over your wife and fears of losing him too.

You will need a support system throughout his life that help you find your way and help him find his way. Parents, friends, they already know. The connection that they make with him will be nurturing and strong, but if there is a lie there, it will fester.

Tell him about his mom, your wife, that you lost, when he is older. He lost his mom when he got adopted. He has you but he lost something important to him. You have that in common.

It will be all right down the road. But it will be work and there will be tears and doubts. But that's okay. That's what parents sign up for.

Be strong and honorable in all things.

Tit for Tat

If you have morals you will, if not that poor kid will find out somewhere somehow that his whole life was a lie

cricketlady

No, you don't have to tell him but if you don't you run the chance that someone else will. The adoptive parents that I know, and I know lot and lots of them, have told their child he was adopted and he still considers them his parents.

minimouse68

I assume that you intend to raise your son to be honest. That you will expect him to tell you the truth when you ask him a question? Why do you want to raise him to believe a lie??
No matter what you want, your son has another family. He has a genetic history that has nothing to do with you and who you are. Furthermore, he WILL know. Most adoptees who find out later in life will tell you that they always knew that they were different. The facts of his adoption should be something he is raised with, they are his truths and you have no right to keep them from him. Adoption should be part of your everyday conversation, not some big revelation that comes as a surprise to your son, thats the mistake your friends made with their child. Understand, if you are not honest with your son, then one day he will find out and he will hate you for it.
His first mother is not some woman who abandoned him at the hospital, how dare you describe her that way. Most relinquishing mothers feel overwhelming pressure to give their children the so called better life that they cant provide, I dont particularly agree with that sentiment, I firmly believe that for most children the best parents for them are the ones that created them, however, whats done is done and your sons first mother deserves better than to be run down by you. Im sure she intended better for her child than for him to be raised by a liar. If you felt this way then you had no right to adopt a child in the first place.
Edits: It doesnt matter where he was found.....you stilll have no idea why, to make assumptions is wrong. You have no idea what motivated her to leave him outside that hospital or what she was going through at the time. Just as you are asking this question based on your insecurities, she had her own reasons for what she did. Every person has the right to their truths. I have always known that I was adopted, I have a fantastic relationship with my adoptive parents, partly because they have always acknowledged my right to know where I came from. I am also a mother, lying to your children is wrong, its that simple, there is absolutely NO justification for doing so.
Edits: Thanks for the heads up Andreya! Tad, trolls like you really are scum......what the hell do you achieve by lying like this????? Get a life! You are playing with a subject that causes vast amounts of hurt to those who are affected by it and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Honest & Sober

"Do I absolutely HAVE to tell him?"

In life you don't "HAVE to" do anything. You don't have to get out of bed every morning. You don't have to go to work. You don't have to drive to work. You don't have eat. You don't have to drink. You don't have to sleep.

In your case telling Ernie he is adopted is the moral thing to do.

"However, I'm uneasy about telling him he is adopted. I'm worried he will want to seek out his biological family and, that would deeply hurt my feelings. "

Some advice.
1. Get to know your son better.
2. Grow a thicker skin.
3. Your feelings don't outweigh Ernie's.
4. The truth may hurt for a little but a lie hurts forever.

"When I look at him, I see my little boy and, I'm worried that if I tell him he is adopted he will no longer see me as his daddy but, some stranger who took him in."

You'll forever see Ernie as that little boy regardless of his age. Not telling him now or within the next couple years could end up biting you on the ****. Not telling him at all will be the biggest mistake you'll ever make. If you think he'll resent you now wait until he finds out himself. He'll see you as being "no father of mine" or in other words you'll be dead to him. You'll be the one left out in the cold.

"I don't want my son to become like my old friend. "

Be a dad too him and tell him. When you do tell him don't ever resent him and never ever play the return to sender card with him.

blah!!

i suggest letting him know while he is a child
so that when he is older he wont hate your guts..
imagine.. being lied to for 18 years.. he will feel like he's been living with a
stranger all his life...
and your feelings would be hurt as well.. telling him in his adult years
would be a Lose- Lose situation..

cathrl69

Since he doesn't exist, no need to tell him anything.

Go play with your toys, little boy. Trolling on this sort of subject is beyond pathetic.

cruzgirlz3

Absolutely you must tell him. Unless of course you truly would like everyone around him to lie to him until the day he either A) figures it out because, like many adoptees, he senses it. or B) Someone tells him. In either case he will resent you for lying to him his entire life. You ARE his father and always will be. You are NOT his biological father and never will be. As much as you want to believe it, being adopted is not the same. So, man up and tell your son the truth. He may have issues with being adopted and you, as his father, can stand beside him and help him through. Raising a child based on lies is immoral in my judgement. Everyone should have a right to know their own truth.

Andraya - Snark's Sister

Honesty Tad I wouldn't worry about what Ernie is going to think either way, fantasy rarely causes problems that can't be dealt with...

What I would really like to know is why you married a woman when you are a gay male?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ak6L92c0NOzw0ZqhKy1X0TXty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100416231856AAZp1Uz

LinnyG

Yes, you ARE obligated to tell him the truth, and as soon as possible. The truth is, you are NOT his only family.

Adoptees are pretty amazing- we are capable of loving our adoptive parents, even though they were complete and total strangers when we were placed with them. It's sad when ap's cannot accept that we can love BOTH of our families.

If you REALLY love him, you will tell him the truth, and tell him now. If you don't, he WILL find out later, and he will most probably cut all ties with you. Love is not built on lies.

Echo

I'm gonna get some thumbs down for this but, I don't care.

As an adoptive child, I wish I was never told that I was adopted. I was first told I was adopted since I could understand what the word meant, that the people I was living with were NOT my real parents. For some people parenting comes down to blood relation, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not saying every adoptive parent should do this but, forcing you beliefs down someone else's throat isn't exactly, "moral" either.

As if it wasn't bad enough for being adopted, I told my one of my "BFF's" as a girl. Now we eventually became enemies in Jr. High and High School and she told everyone I was adopted... I was teased and made fun of for years and was labeled "not wanted." I broke down in tears one day at school when I came back from the bathroom and found "Return to Sender" written in Marker on my desk... Do you know how humiliating that is?

When I was 18, I did search for my biological parents and found them. My father had died when I was 16 of AIDS and my mother was a drug addict. I never really met her. I tracked her down to a hospice where she was dying as a result of her addiction. Disgusted, I turned back and never had the unpleasant experience of meeting her, she died two months later. I stood outside her door but, realized she didn't deserve to meet me. Frankly, sometimes I wish that addict had miscarried or aborted me.

After my adoptive parents told me I was adopted they continuously brought it up in conversation, like it was nothing. I told them how uncomfortable the topic made me and to avoid it at all costs. They persisted on making every day dialouge. I no longer speak to them and in my eyes, I have no parents. I just have never thought of them as my REAL parents. To me they are Mr. and Mrs. Munroe and will always be.

The only light in my life has been my husband, whom like myself was an unwanted child, we share the similar stories and have 5 darling (biological) children together. My adoptive parents always said they told me so I could find my roots and medical history. My roots consist of a white trash one night stand and, I don't care if breast cancer runs in my mother's family or not, if I get it... I'll deal with it. I don't need some history.

It really comes down to your son. I was told at a young age and, I still resent my adoptive parents. I wish to God they had never told me. In some cases ignorance is truly bliss. At least if I found out after they died, I could conceal it from everyone. I wish my "parents" were like you, they just did what the majority told them they had to do. They never once considered my feelings on any issue, it's just another sign that they were not meant to be parents.

Everyone is different. You are this child's only father, as far as he's concerned. And you KNOW what is best for him. I think that your plan to make you deceased wife appear as his mother only shows the lengths you will go to ensure he is not hurt like I was... it shows how much you truly love him. I think you should be commended for that. As for me.... I have no parents and my children have no grandparents.

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