Do adoptees feel badly about their Birth Parents?

WhiteLilac1

It can depend on how the adoptive parents present his birth story and whether they put things in perspective. I am an adoptive mother and told my son that "some ladies have babies and bring them home and be their mothers, but other ladies have babies and have to ask another lady to be their baby's mother because they are not able to be the kind of mother a baby needs". I told him (in his case, which was an abuse case when he was infant) "some ladies don't have good, loving, mothers themselves, so they don't know how to be the right kind of mother a child needs".

I didn't want to present her as a victim and make him feel bad for her, but I didn't want him to see her a monster either.

He seemed pretty understanding about her, but once he grew up, met her, and was kind of disgusted by the fact that she happens to be a pretty ignorant, demanding, person once he met her as a grown up.

Unfortunately, many adoptees feel worse about themselves than they feel about their birth mothers. Then again, many are perfectly well adjusted and have no problems.

Again, it all depends on how things are presented, whether a child was an infant when placed, how well bonded the child is with his adoptive mother, etc.

Anha S

No one can forsee how your son will feel about you in the future, not even your mother.

I don't remember hating my bmother, from time to time I was really angry with her. I don't even hate her now. Our reunion was not a successful one, she tried to use me to heal the emotional wounds from giving me up, and I had my own healing to do, I couldn't provide her with hers.

It is very common for adoptees to resent birth parents. But not all adoptees are like that.

I met my birth parents when i was older and i could totally understand why they gave me up for adoption. They are really great people and i respect them for really making the right decision to give me up for adoption.

Its all about weather the adoptee under undertands why you made the decision and if they like the life they have.

jeni5844@yahoo.com

personally? i absolutely hate my first mother more than anyone i have ever met.

brookalyn

i want to say congratulations you actually stood up and had enough balls to admit that you couldn't give him the best life. that shows a realyy strong person. no he will not hate you. it may be diffulcult for him to comprehend at the begginning, but he'll understand. i was adopted when i ws 6, and it was confusing, like wait i have 2 mommies? but i dont feel any hatred towards my birth mother at all. the only ting i resent is that she didn't have an open adoption. i wish she would have, so like you said have some sort of relationship with her. i want her to be there when i get my licence, and when i graduate, and when i get married. i respect you and wish you the best. i hope you're in his life as he grows up, bucause i really wish my birthmother was in my life

Serenity71

Its good you have an open adoption. Seeing you will help him know who you are and you did what you thought was best for him. (Don't be too hard on yourself because of what others might say or think hypothetically because he's to young to know how he feels about his adoption yet.)

Have had any support since the adoption to help you cope? If not it maybe a good thing for you to do that. The are forums, some of the other Nmothers could direct you to good one that offers support.

All the best, I hope stay in touch with your son's family as the years go by and form a relationship with all of them.

Curtis Michael is here!!!

I was adopted by the person I call Dad. I was mad at him but I got over it after I met him. I was sad that he didnt want me and hurt but then once I got to thinking about it I was happy because I got to know the man my mom married as my father and he is a great guy. I wouldnt be who I am today if my biological father was aways in my life. I would of lived in a different city, been a different kind of kid, and who knows where I would be now. It might take some time but I think your baby will accept it. Also with the baby knowing you from the start I think it would be easier.

Bijou

I am adopted and i have the most respect for the mother that gave me up for adoption, mine is closed and i have no idea who she is..i am 18 and have always wondered..but i know it was the hardest thing she has ever done...god bless her....

snowwillow20

My daughter was put up for adoption in 1972, she went through phases, where she hated me because she didn't grow in her mom's tummy. She hated me because she has brown hair and her mom has blonde. She hated me because I gave her up and then she loved me for doing it. She was about 12 when she went through this. My son whom I parented had times when he hated me too. It's just being a kid, I guess.
They love me now, so that's what counts.

FlyingMonkeySwatter

I agree that your mom could use a monster dose of sensitivity pills. Gees.

Lots of emotions going on both good and bad. Your choice, your feelings and no I don't think your son will grow up hating you. It also sounds like the folks that adopted him will make sure that you have a voice either through them or directly to make sure you know he was loved by everyone (including you) and that will eventually make you feel good. Emoting huge amount of respect, kind thoughts and a huge amount of emotional support your way....keep in mind your mom is probably hurting too.

Isabelle D

I have two younger sister adopted from Vietnam, and one of them, has contact with her birth mother. This is extremely rare, as international adoptees are almost always abandoned. We have always explained to my sisters that their birth mothers had to make the very difficult choice of choosing the best future for them, and that meant letting them go. If you do feel up to visiting your son, you can start with a letter first to explain how hard the choice was. UIU don't hink he;ll hate you.

vmarie84

That can sometimes be true in cases like mine where the adoption was closed. I don't know my birthfamily, so I can't say if the woman that had me loved me or not. People tell me they did, but I don't know what to think. I've never met or spoken with her. To be honest, I don't love her, b/c I don't know her. How can you love someone you've never met. I just want to know who she is without all this secrecy. The best thing for you is to seek adoption counseling. There seems to be a lack of this for adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents.

DevonChaos

That is the risk you run when you give up a child for adoption. You are lucky that you can see pictures of him, though. I was adopted 30 years ago through a closed adoption. I don't hate my first mother, but I do have a bit of resentment because the family that I was placed with wasn't the best. I have no relationship with my adoptive parents now, and I haven't started to search for my first mother.

I must admit though, as a young child I received a lot of teasing about being adopted, and I did have ill feelings toward her. I felt that it was her fault that I was being teased, and was very upset that she gave me up.

Like I said... that is one of the risks you run across when you let strangers raise your child.

Morgan

It's good that you're trying to get involved. You should try to get in contact with your son more. But remember, his adopted parents love him just as much. If he's raised knowing that his biological and adoptive parents love him, it's not going to be that big shock that comes when someone finds out that they're adopted that usually sparks the hate.

Kai

I think you should visit your son and have a chance to be in his life. If not it would seem like you chose not to be a part of his life because you were not there even though you have the chance.
About adoptees hating their birthparents, I think it depends on the specific situation. I saw one person who was abused in their adopted family and likes her birthfamily. I'm one of the adoptees who hate my birthmother because she almost killed me and I have been treated better than I could have ever asked for by my adopted parents. My real (adopted) mom is the person I am the closest to and I could tell her anything. If adoptees have bad experiences in their adopted families then they are probably more likely to dislike their adopted parents, hate adoption, and like their birth parents. I'm the exact opposite situation and I have the opposite feeling. Don't try to lump all adoptees into one situation because all cases are different.

Dreamweaver back for more

I don't

Henny Bogan

You and your son are very lucky for a lot of reasons. I think its important to stay connected to your son if it works for everyone else (especially the adoptive parents, please think of them). Someday your son will want to know why. Tell him the truth. You wanted the best for him. Its okay. My mom did the same for me.

You will have to manage your emotions somehow and allow him to enjoy the unconditional love his adoptive parents are offering. It's so crucial for his self esteem. This is his break. You gave it to him. Let him have it.

Go on with your life, work your way out of your financial situation, keep in touch with him/his parents, and someday it will all come pouring back to you in the most unbelieveable way. Keep the faith.

BLW_KAM

I'm an adoptive mom in an open adoption. My daughter is almost 10 now and she definitely likes her natural mother. I have no doubt the like would grow to love if we saw her more often. But she goes into a quiet mode every few years and I have trouble finding her. But then she'll call or write and we pick up where we left off.

Please, please, please stay in contact with your son and be a part of his life. It will mean so much to him. It's painful when my daughter asks me why we haven't heard from her natural mother and all I can say is, "Honey, I don't know where she is at the moment, but I'll send her another e-mail today."

One thing that has worked well for us is our MySpace account. I put pictures and videos and tidbits of information on it and our daughter's natural mom will post comments or send messages back. It's a great way to stay in touch. Perhaps it could work for you too.

May peace find you.

cathrl69

Thing is, it can happen with anyone.

Some adoptees end up hating their birth parents. Some end up getting on great with them.

Just exactly the same as some kids who grow up with their birth parents with adoption never even being in the picture end up hating them, and some end up getting on great with them.

The fact that your child was adopted doesn't stop him being a normal human being. People are all different. I see so many people on here saying "I feel x because I was adopted" and all I can think is how many non-adopted people I know who feel the exact same way, not because they were or weren't adopted, but because that's the way their life happened.

Edit: oh, I'm sorry, little thumbs-downers. I guess I was wrong and no non-adopted person has ever had a bad relationship with their parents EVER. It's reserved solely for special little you.

cruzgirlz3

I can only speak for myself, but I have never, ever felt badly about my bmother. I have never met her but have still felt a sense of empathy for what she did, and I have felt a strange connection with her even though I don't know her. I have never been angry with her, I have never blamed my problems on her, and have had nothing but respect for her decision. I have always assumed that she was a good and caring person who did what she thought was best at the time. Only recently have I come to acknowledge the pain that she might have experienced as a result of her choice, a decision that might have not have really been a choice at all. AND I would love to meet her, I always have. Your son may not respond exactly like me, but I'm sure he won't hate you. I hope someday you will be able to have a relationship with him.

I'm sorry for what you have been through. People in your life are trying to force you to "move on" and it isn't fair of them to ask. I wish you could receive more support for the pain you are in. Please take good care of yourself.

celtic.piskie

A lot of adoptees are angry. But not at the first parents.

We're mostly angry with t he industry, the way we're brought and sold like nothing more than toasters.

We're angry at society, that women like you have to give up their children. Like one woman said, if you won the lottery, would you still have given him up? The fact that money is an issue is deeply wrong.

We're angry at the legalities, that legally, he was never your child.
Legally, we never had first parents. We never were Irish/Taiwanese/Chinese etc.

Mostly, we're angry about the lies told to people, first parents and us.

You are his mother. You gave birth to him and nothing can take that away. Nothing should take that away.

Good luck, and i hope you have a good relationship with him.

Mom to Foster Children

Ok, no offence but your mom needs to be smacked in the head. When did she become the fortune teller of the year. While I am not adopted but am adopting - I would have to say no your son will not hate you - will he have questions as to why you didn't keep him - probably. You should go and visit him and be a part of his life - this is what he wants and needs if at least you can't raise him. It's lovely that the adoptive parents have an open heart and an open mind with the open adoption - I hope they hold their end of the agreement up.

Lady Rowan

I'm an adoptee and i just want to say i never hated my birth parents. They did what they thought they had to do, to give me a better life.

Please, keep visiting him, it will be wonderful for you and him. Your mom doesn't know what she's talking about.

H******

There are adoptees who hate their mothers and adoptees who love their mothers.

You'll see a variety of answers here varying from 'I love my mother and want contact with her' to 'I couldn't care less about my 'birther'

I'm adopted and personally I adore my mother, yet when I've expressed this I've received some nasty emails telling me I have no right to even call her my mother!

Adoptees are programmed from an early age to see their adoptive parents as their only parents and will tend to parrot what society dictates in order to fit in, which is generally denying that the first mother exists and/or is actually a mother to the adoptee.

I hope your child develops a relationship with you and I'm sorry you are separated. Losing your Mom is no picnic either, however wonderful the substitute parents might be.

å°é»ƒ

It would have made a WORLD of difference if my mother could have been in my life.

If that hadn't been possible at ALL, I wish my parents would have sought a way of maintaining contact.

ETA: "all I can think is how many non-adopted people I know who feel the exact same way"

How many non-adopted people know for a fact that they could have had an alternate life by a separate set of parents? NONE.

Lori A

I'm sure you have already heard that I worried for 28 years that my daughter would hate me for the decision I made.

Bottom line, in a closed adoption with NO contact of any kind, I have the greatest relationships with my daughter, and my family told me the same exact thing, she would never look for me because she was going to hate me.

No one knows what is in another persons heart or head. You can't help but hear what they say. You can't help but wonder if it's true. But you can keep the hope that one day you will prove them wrong.

I have often wondered if it would have been easier to be able to see my daughter and watch her grow. I have no answer for that, I had a closed adoption. I can see where it could be almost unbearable to visit and walk away, but if you can handle it at all, I would say get in there and do it. You are being given an opportunity that most do not get. The pictures can trigger sadness, but they have the ability to put certain fears to rest too. You can see that your son is alive and well, that he is happy and healthy. You can see the different stages in his life.

I met a grown woman who's face was unfamiliar to me. Although I hear it is being worked on, I have yet to see pictures of her at any stage of her childhood.

Either way, pictures or not, contact or no, you STILL stand a chance of having a wonderful relationship with your son.

blank stare

Some feel badly, and some don't. Some want to have relationships, and some don't. There are no guarantees here.

Having said that, I think your mother is being completely insensitive. Perhaps she's just trying to prepare you for the worst, but there are more sensitive ways of handling that.

I don't think I ever felt badly about my mom. I missed her. I wondered, often, why she gave me up. And now I have a good relationship with her. For me, though, one of the most important things she said to me was that she regretted it happening. I understand that she needed to tell herself she did the best thing she could. But that didn't change how I felt about adoption itself. And it helped me that she didn't invalidate my feelings.

I don't like adoption, it's true. And I believe that there are better ways to help children. But I don't hate my mom, nor my parents. They all did the best they could.

As for those who claim that the reports of adoptees are not unique, all I can say is this... Lots of people feel sad. But that doesn't mean that the loss of a loved one (whether through death or some other event) doesn't cause sadness. Likewise, it's true that some of the things adoptees report feeling may be caused by other things in a person's life. But that doesn't mean adoption doesn't cause those feelings in the adoptee. If you must dismiss adoptees' feelings, it might be better if you held your tongue.

libgirl420

Every adopted person feels different. There is no guarantee as to how your birth child will feel later on. I am adopted, and I would NEVER EVER give a child up for adoption, I wouldn't gestate an unwanted pregnancy. I think in general, birth moms who give away their kids with the best of intentions have the best luck at not being hated by their birth child so long as their adoptive parents treat them well. Seeing as how you handpicked them, that would be the one major reason for your birth child to hate you later on if they were treated badly by the adoptive parents.

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