Do believe it is selfish to disrupt your birth mother's life?

kidmindi

No I do not think it is selfish. My first mom was waiting for me to fine her. I have since found all of my siblings and made sure that the family is reunited. My first mom refers to me as her "first born angel" because she says I was the one who put all the pieces back together for her.

If a first mom wants no contact with a child she relinquished and she tell them that and they keep insisting, then that is selfish.

Anyone has the right to say no to reunion and anyone who tried to force the issue after being told no, is selfish

Pip

Oh dear you're back with your insensitive remarks.

No it isn't selfish to search or being insensitive. I may have 'moved on' but I had no choice other than to do so. That doesn't mean I didn't want to parent, I didn't want to know, I didn't care about my son.

It wasn't his fault he was adopted and it was his right to want questions answered,

I always thought about my son and was glad when we reunited as it's what we both wanted. He turned my life upside down but I would rather have that than not know.

The selfish people were my parents who didn't want me to raise him then played a hand in us not reuniting years before.

H******

No. I think it's selfish not to let a women know what became of her baby. Selfish!

SLY

Well. O-Ollie, you keep some interesting company....Thomas Atwood of the NCFA, Adam Pertman of the Donaldson Institute, all of you concerned with the feelings of poor little old us birthmothers, who quake in fear at the thought of all those big, scary children who are going to come and out us! Or, Heaven Forbid! What will the neighbors think? I shudder to think!!! Lets just hope that they think as I do that it is none of Adam Pertman's business, none of the NCFA's business, none of Thomas Atwood's business; and it is MOST CERTAINLY none of YOUR business.

I guess that you are under some misconception, like your illustrious friends, that we mothers are too meek and mild to speak on our own behalf. Let me quickly dissuade you of that curious notion! We are not only able, we are ready and willing to do so.

Here is what we mothers think about your suggestion, and your question. I don't want you to think that we are singling you out for this, either, since I have personally sent messages to all of them, and this, now to you....SHUT UP! YOU HAVE PRESUMED ON OUR GOOD WILL FOR FAR TOO LONG, AND WE ARE OFFICIALLY TELLING YOU TO SHUT UP. WE CAN SPEAK FOR OURSELVES, AND DON'T WANT OR NEED YOU TO DO IT FOR US.

There, now you know. You have been properly notified. We will take it from here, thank you.

SLY, Mother

dontknow86

Wait one minute, There is 2 people in this! Birth mother and Birth child ! If either one of them wants to look it is their Business. NOT anyone else.

aloha.girl59

Here we go with the multiple exclamation point thing again. <rolls eyes>

OK, well bully for you, Ollie! I'm sure if your mother could see the person you've become, she'd be thrilled to know that you don't plan to contact her.

Each person's own reality is what's important. Not YOUR opinions on how they should run their lives.

I<3 Sarcasm!

I think its only selfish if the birth mother made it be known she didn't want to ever be found. If that isn't the case then how much harm can it really do... I think the child has a right to know.

Joe Pa

My mother gave her first son up for adoption when she was 16. After she graduated she and my father married and lived happily ever after raising me and my two sisters. The first son was born before she met my father. My sisters and I weren't aware of our older brother until our mother told us when I was 18. I'm the youngest. She had just watched an episode of Montel Williams on the subject of biological parents reuinting with adopted children. About 3 or 4 years later The agency that handled the adoption contacted my mother stating there had been an inquiry about her. Of course she knew what it was about. She had to give permission before the agency would give out any information, My brother was trying to track down his family medical history because he and his wife wanted to have a baby. He hoped for more of a relationship, and I'm very happy to say that is exactly what he got. He did make it clear from the beginning though that his adoptive mother was his "mom" We all live on the east coast while he lives on the west coast so it's kinda hard to be as close as we'd like, but maybe the buffer is healthier for the relationship for the time being.

racheypoo

Nope.

That having been said, they are human beings, so being respectful when searching is a kind thing to do, like not contacting their entire extended family before speaking with them.

But if that is the only way to reach them, what can you do?

Adoptees have the right to search. They have the right to look for answers. Period.

This is such a ridiculous question. Sigh.

Serenity71

What? Why are you against searching? If a person chooses to so its their own free will to put their name on a register and respond if there's an indication that she does want to meet the child she gave up for adoption. As long as its done with some courtesy and consideration then I don't have any problem with it at all.

Its more selfish to think only of your own needs, thats when it becames selfish, do we need to go into what courtesy means, your mother did teach you about it didn't she....Ollie you're not helping...

CDraBella

You don't speak for me or any other first mom. You have no idea how we feel. You have no right to declare anything about us or about our feelings about meeting our children.

It doesn't take long here to learn your tactics and desires to split the tides so we all stay properly on our "sides" but until you have faced an unexpected pregnancy and surrendered your child, you know nothing about our side of things and honestly, yours is the last voice I would ever want speaking up for me or the other amazing first moms I have been priviliged to know through this journey.

Kelsey

I think I have a right to meet her, I'm not going to ask to be a part of her life but I have questions that I want answered and I'm going to get them.

kitta

Selfish to say "hello" to your mother...how crazy is that...

life is like the ocean

Your paranoia is showing.

Natural mothers never forget. If anything turns our lives upside down, it is adoption and the unethical way that we were used and discarded for our flesh.

Until you are a natural mom, don't speak for us.

monkeykitty83

It's selfish to actually "disrupt" anyone's life, but just making contact isn't disruptive. It would be disruptive to call her twenty times a day after being asked to stop, to flood her mailbox with letters, to mow your initials into her front law, to publish her personal information in the newspaper, to lurk outside her home and work staring at her... basically, it would be disruptive to act like a crazy stalker.

But one polite letter or phone call to try to establish contact is hardly disruptive. She has every right to decline. It's not at all selfish to reach out, when the other person can just say no, and may want contact very much.

â™¥â™¥Mum To Superkids is engagedâ™¥â™¥

What's selfish about wanting to know your heritage and full identity? Wouldn't it be selfish to bring a child into the world then intentionally deny them these things?

Your questions are not only rude and insensitive, they're getting downright ridiculous.

Anha S

Nope. And imo, you are just spouting the typical hogwash line that has been so overused in the attempt to prevent adoptees from searching. More and more I wonder if you are from an agency.

I was respectful with my search, as were the volunteers who helped me. When I contacted my mom, I made sure she had privacy before even telling her a thing. I think when someone relinquishes a child, the possibility of that child seeking them out in the future should be considered par for the course.

What I consider selfish is people trying to make others feel guilty or wrong for searching for their roots.

å°é»ƒ

I beg to differ.

My mother wanted me in her life. She kept asking for me to come back.

Not that you would care.

Thx for the 2 pts.

DevonChaos

Well, if I were childish, I suppose I could say "SHE DID IT FIRST!" as far as disrupting my life goes. I don't think that is the case though. She has clues to my life that I feel I have the right to know. I have had to deal with my side of this, and she has had to deal with hers. Part of the whole adoption thing (imho) is the reunion. Me finding her, or her finding me, and at the very least, I should be given medical information and the facts about my racial background.
Part of giving up a child is accepting that they may come looking for you in the future.
I'm so glad that you can see things so black and white. It must be nice.

ETA: I used to think you were a bit callous and rather uninformed, but now I think you are just out to hurt others. Nice way to get people on board with your cause!

snowwillow20

No not selfish, many of us were told we were not allowed to look. When I found my daughter, my letter of intent was actually sent to her mom, just in case she had never been told. There are sensitive ways to starting a reunion. If she would have told me to go to hell, I would have backed off.
I didn't tell anyone I had a baby and keeping that secret nearly destroyed me, it was time to own up to what I had done. It was very healing for both of us. She had many unanswered questions that I was able to answer.

Jackie B

I used to think so and it kept me from searching. Now I'm actively searching I really don't care about disrupting her life. I don't know if she had a 'choice' or not. What I do know is I definitely did not have a choice. If my existence is not known by her family, that's not my problem. I'm not going to deny what is rightfully mine to know just so I won't turn someone else's life upside down. My own life has been turned upside down long enough.

LinnyG

I already "disrupted her life" once, whats one more time?

Do you work for Holt?

Heather ~ Not a Perfect Mom ~

I think most first parents would prefer to meet their child, but they are afraid of making contact because they are afraid they would be disrupting the Adoptees life. Because we see it all the time when someone says something about contacting the child they placed for adoption, they are told to leave it be, don't disrupt their life, etc.

cruzgirlz3

Is it selfish to want what is yours anyway? It is my story. It is my heritage. It was kept from me so I went and got it back. I did so respectfully and, surprise, we are BOTH really glad that I did. I would have accepted the information alone....the relationship I gained has been a huge bonus.

You should think about trying it Ollie.

smarmy

I don't care. An adoptee has the right to know where they came from, who they are related to and what their medical background is.

I DO NOT believe many mothers move on. They don't' forget, they just learn to live with it and not talk about it.

Even if they did MOVE ON, no one should be a dirty little secret to keep from embarrassing some one else.

I don't think women or men who parent children should have the right to hide from them. And I think all this PROTECTION is a crock, to throw people off track of the real reason they don't want records opened. THEY DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL for their unethical practices.

ETA: I answered before reading any other answers. You see, that dirty little secret thing is real, and NO ONE should have to live like that.

Bookwarm

The first mother is an adult, as is the adoptee. Neither knows what has happened in the others life They are both capable of saying no if they don't want a relationship.

kateiskate is getting married

Actually I would think it selfish of her not to meet me at least once and share medical information with me.

I also find it selfish for people to keep records and information for adoptees.

Andraya - Snark's Sister

-snort-

Lies lead to pain, most of us learn that at an early age, I`m not about to accept being someone`s dirty little secret just so they can back away from things they decided not to tell others.

And how about how an adoptee`s life is turned upside down... AT BIRTH! Sometimes life is painful, deal with it.

Doodlestuff

I disagree with you. There is no way to know if she is against meeting her child unless you ask her. Assuming otherwise is not a good choice in life. People are not mind readers.

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