Do you believe that birth mothers are idealized and glamorized?

Calirose

Only when they are pregnant.

kitta

What I have noticed is that even when the mother turns out to be above reproach, the adoptive family will still lie about her.

In fact, that is when they will lie the most.

gypsywinter

You gotta be kidding me??!! You mean I am not 'idealized and glamorized'?? How could I be so deluded! Bummer!

monkeykitty83

They are sometimes.

Sometimes adoptive parents are idealized and glamorized, too. Actually more often.

I think we need to remember that all parents, biological and adoptive, are just human, with human strengths and weaknesses. No one is perfect, and we're all flawed, but we're all capable of good things, too.

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

BEFORE BIRTH- yes

AFTER BIRTH- hell no!

kateiskate is getting married

I think any casual observer of this site might be lead to believe they are all poor drug addicts who abuse their kids and turn tricks.

In reality, they are just people.

LaraSue

That is too much of a generalization. Some natural mothers are idealized and glamorized, others are vilified.
As with everything in adoption, all stories are different.

myst1998

No, not in the way you state. I know as children some adopted people will dream and fantasize about who their mothers were and what they were like. One of my best friends when I was 15/16 was adopted and she constantly spoke about her mother, finding her etc and she would guess as to who or what she was.

However, I think as children become adults they do not hold the same perceptions as they have usually come to the realisation that people are not perfect and they now just want to know where they came from and who their other parents were.

I think the posts here at YA focusing on mothers are trying to show mothers are not the stereotypical drug taking, promiscuousus people that we have become painted to be. Anyone who is demonised by strangers who have no idea of what they are like want to rectify these types of views.

No one here has stated that mothers are perfect Madonna Incarnates coming to save you from your sins. What we are is women who, in many cases, lost their children unnecessarily to the adoption machine and we would like this to be recognised and validated in order to prevent it from happening to other women.

I am sure your mother was lovely and I am sorry you have never had the opportunity to know her as a person and a mother. Maybe one day when the time is right and you realise you are free to know who she is without any expectations, you might meet her.

3 girls and 1 boy for me!

No, I think they are looked down upon, stereotyped to death, and belittled. They are dehumanized most of the time by the majority of the community and made to feel horrible about themselves. They are forced to carry a scarlet letter for their actions for the rest of their life. They are spoken ill of to their children by their adoptive parents most of the time and their children grow up believing that they didn't want them. They are condemned to a life of what might have been and slapped in the face by the closed door of their open adoption. No, no idolization there...sorry...cannot see your view there!

MamaKate is an Aunt!

It depends on who is doing the "glamorizing" as to whether it is really even "glamorizing" and I think most people with any intelligence know better than to judge a person simply on one aspect of their lives or based on some "stereotype".

If you mean agencies, facilitators and PAPs who are "glamorizing" the "selflessness, angelic, brave, generous, etc. birthmothers" only to trash them as soon as the adoption is final - then NO, they are not "glamorizing" them - they are LYING to them and using subtle coersion to take advantage.

If you mean adoptees in closed adoptions, well, what do you expect?! Almost all children fantasize about/play at having other parents - adoptees are no different except that they DO have other parents to fantasize about. It is easy to "glamorize" (or "villify") things you are ignorant about. It is hard to "glamorize" (or "villify") people you don't know.

I can't think of any First Parents who "glamorize" being one. Most refer to it as a horrible, painful experience and many are so stricken by the agony or shamed into secrecy that they suffer in silence. So any "glamorization" your hearing about isn't coming from the people who LIVE IT.

If this is something you are concerned about, maybe you should push for open records and real open adoptions so that adoptees never have the opportunity to "glamorize" their First Parents because they will actually KNOW them.

SNOWFLAKES, PEOPLE, ADOPTIONS = You'll never find one exactly like another...

SJM

Yes, from the dawn of human history, birth mothers have been idealized and idolized. Your example of the Madonna was perfect. In fact, many ancient religions worshipped a mother goddess. Human life depends upon the act of giving birth. Hatred of this natural dependency does nothing to improve the condition of mankind.

ETA: The name given to me by my adoptive parents is that of a fertility goddess. :) Hmm. I get the feeling that I was supposed to assume that birth mothers don't rear their children. Nothing in the term indicates that. The term only indicates that they are givers of life. Everyone has a birth mother. What could possibly be more glamorous than creating life? It's is, after all, a godlike quality.

Opedial

Yes and No.

I think some people label birth mothers as "brave and selfless" to give up their baby. (even if they didn't want to give their baby up)

Some label birth mothers as dysfunctional, selfish and often make assumptions on age and income levels

Where I think perhaps they may be idealized is with the children. I only speak in our case and NOT for other people, but in our case, our eldest son has and idealized version of his mother, which is quite different from the reality he had to face.

This is how he has to cope with his life and his situation, and we do not fault him this, NOR do we ever discuss her in a negative light. We have all the children's social history waiting for them when they are older, and we don't lie, but we don't discuss her as a negative person.

I am sure you know my opinion on First Mom's, I think they should if at all possible try to parent their children and should be given SUPPORT to do so. In our children's case, I don't fault the First mom for anything except some of her choices while trying to parent, but I also understand where she was coming from in her cycle of life.

I hope my chlidren don't idealize their First Mom, nor look at her in a negative light. I hope they keep it real and get to know her later in life.

Carol c

Oh dear Ollie - you know I've come to realize that you are not an adoptee at all. You are an adoptive mother who is terrified that your child will want to meet their first mother! So you are desperately trolling - trying to convince anyone interested in learning their truth that there is something wrong with them and/or their family of origin.

How do I know this? No halfway intelligent person would spend so much time putting down adopted people who search or asking questions like this if they weren't threatened. This isn't going to make your child love you any more, you know. In fact, I would think they would have lost all respect for your actions of desperation.

What I want to know is why they let people like you adopt? You should be ashamed of yourself.

cruzgirlz3

Yes on this one too. Only speaking for myself here.

I do idealize my first mother. What else am I going to do? I don't know her. It is not that I think of her as a movie star or anything. It is just that I am a normal person so I would like to imagine her as a normal person too. Really, Ollie, let's assume that you DO indeed think of your birth mother from time to time. Do you actually imagine her as an addict living on the streets? I would guess not. I would think you imagine her much like yourself, say as a violin playing debutante? SInce I do not know my birth mother I imagine her as the best person I can, as a person much like myself. You are right, I might be disappointed. I might be wrong. But I am an adult and I can handle any disappointments that come my way. Thanks for your concern though.

Isabel A

Well, my bio mom IS a nice person for the most part. She's no Madonna incarnate but she's pretty cool.

I'm just glad to know her.

It's just like the people who speculate that biomothers must be bad people or abortionists when they have never actually met them.

I'll take reality over fantasy any day.

Lori A

Yup. What could be more glamorous than me being a 13 year old runaway who didn't know who the father was, and on dope. With that build up it's a wonder my daughter wasn't disappointed.

Honestly what can you expect? Some are told how wonderful their mothers were for giving them up which starts a whole fairy tale life. And some aren't told anything, so they fantasize all on their own.

This is a good point as to why opened adoptions should be made legal. Your point is all this fantasizing is harmful and I agree. Don't leave it up to stories and imagination and this won't happen. OPENED RECORDS, OPENED ADOPTIONS.

Linny G

Adoptive parents do...until they get their baby, that is. She saved them from their barren world. They make her promises, "Oh, we will be the BEST parents to your child", "It will be wonderful to share your child", "We will share pictures, and you can visit", then BOOM! Game over.
The child's mother is then turned into a horrible uneducated trollup with a drug problem.
So, no. They are treated horribly.

magic pointe shoes

I think it's much more muddy and complicated. Take for example the time before relinquishment. A lot of people think some pretty nice stuff about women considering relinquishment. Selfless, caring, good moral fiber by not aborting, etc... but at the same time all the judgments are still there under the surface just not dared spoken to the expectant mother. Most people don't understand why a woman would get pregnant unexpectedly in the situations they do. Most see the crisis and think that consequently the only right choice would be relinquishment and not rising up to parent their child. It's also thought that any woman who has to consider an adoption plan is automatically not fit to parent their child because if they were, then they wouldn't be considering relinquishment. And if that wasn't true, there wouldn't be so many angry upset potential adoptive parents upset when the relinquishment fails to happen. They would be happy for the mother choosing to parent instead of completely devastated because of how long they justified all the reasons of why the woman wasn't fit to parent her child in preparation of adopting that child.

The point being is that while surfacely there might be good thoughts towards women who relinquished, the main thoughts most people who never have relinquished think about is how they personally could never do it, and that women who do relinquish are flawed either by character, nature or behavior. Very ugly thoughts are spoken to women who do relinquish directly and indirectly. We are not idealized nor glamorized and most definitely we are not thought of in a manner to be treated ethically because we are too stupid to have rights since we are foolish enough to give away our children.

Also, we are forever stuck in that period of crisis in the minds of others. We are not supposed to have more children, we are not supposed to live productive lives, we are supposed to stay in that point of chaotic suffering because we once had to relinquish a child. If we live our lives forward, then we must not have truly loved or cared for our child because we aren't wounded. Despite the fact that our whole being is completely different because of the loss of our children. Because we live our lives forward with our loss, most people think we've moved on and have no regrets.

I say most people just don't get it, and it certainly isn't as simple as you suggest.

dory

Actually, my mother turned out to be better then what I had imagined her to be.

å°é»ƒ

I think it's natural that some adults may have idealized their birth mothers when they were little.

As they are adults now, I seriously doubt they still have their birthparents on that kind of pedestal.

I'm going into reunion and I have not idealized or glamorized my mother. Why would I? That just sets me up for disappointment. Common sense indicates that would not be wise.

She is just a normal person like me. :)

blank stare

No. I don't. I think most posts on this site try to demonize natural mothers. (All you have to do is look at the question asked just before yours... drugs in the system, etc.)

Most adoptees in reunion that I know have very realistic views of their mothers.

maybe

No, they are usually portrayed as junkies and street walkers who give birth and dump the kid off at a fire station.

DevonChaos

All? No. However, if someone is going to put mine down by making assumptions as to her lifestyle... I am going to raise her up. She made me. I know I was a mistake, but she suffered many things in giving me up. She shouldn't be ridiculed for her decision, least of all by me. I have never met this woman, but I will defend her to the death.

Andraya - Snark's Sister

Bwahahahaha! Oh fer sure, if by idealize and glamorize you mean call them crack hos and abusers.

Echion

I agree with 100%.
They're human and have their flaws; some mothers are better than others but think that individuals born from those mothers are not perfect creatures either, they have their flaws too.

P.S. Edited because it was too much stupid stuff written after this paragraph.

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