Do you believe the stories on Y!A adoption forum?

Zing!

I believe most of the stories, but I truly don't understand them. Most of the regulars that post say that they had an overall good experience with their adoptive families, but then focus on the fact that they were "abandoned". No one is guaranteed a happy life, whether you've been adopted or not.You're an adult now, it's time to stop feeding off each others self pity and get over it. Mothers are going to put their children up for adoption. Period. Are you saying these kids should have been aborted? They don't deserve a life or a home that wants them because you refuse to get over yourself?

Its a harsh pill to swallow but the point is you were, in fact, adopted. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Accept it. Move on. Live your life. This is your life now. There's no point in dwelling on the "what ifs".

And for the record, 6 Y!A regulars on Facebook are not a worthy survey of the millions of people who have been adopted.

School Nurse

I don't believe many of the stories. There are a number of people here with "multiple personalities" who comment multiple times on the same questions. I've had several email me and forget to "change" their name so I know who many of them are..There are also a several people here who make a lot of noise and also a number of cyber bullies on this forum. They think nothing of ambushing with insults unsuspecting persons who wander onto this forum to ask an honest question. This is not a healthy forum to waste much time on.

grapesgum

I wish to god that my family's experience with adoption is a fabrication

The 2 "birth" mothers in my family who were coerced to surrender by the US adoption machine went on the raise beautiful children. Their first born children were not subjected to a bad experience for "a while" of for even a moment. They were subjected to a lifetime of torture by being deprived of their loving and capable families.

Fortunately, we have learned from the dark past - we cherish our fertility and embrace all children that god blesses us with. We also pledged to do our best to prevent unnecessary adoptions in other families, especially for families who are backed into an economic corner.

â™ª Rachel - Applehead â™«

All I know is I tell the truth and I trust others to tell the truth in their experience of adoption, even the good experiences. Trolls seem obvious to me anyway.

Joan

Bottom line, there are abuses going on in the business of adoption and not nearly enough regulation. I am not adopted, I have not given up a child for adoption. I have not adopted a child. But I have the compassion to realize that if even just a few women report to have the horrific and heartbreaking experiences that I've read, they deserve to have a voice. They deserve to be taken seriously. And, what's more, they are probably just the tip of an enormous iceberg. The rest of the women and adoptees probably find the subject too painful to even discuss.. I think your attitude belies the typical idea that if these women and adoptees would just be quiet and quit rocking the boat everything would be fine. That's the same attitude the majority has towards any group that is being abused--"it's just a joke, you're taking it too seriously, don't be so sensitive" They are having the courage to confront the status quo and say there is something very wrong going on and they do not deserve to be silenced, no matter how much you don't want to see their point of view.

I take everyone at their word unless they are obviously a troll. The trolls just post once and go away. I think the people who post here regularly are for real.

I don't think people would become "anti-adoption" if they didn't have a reason based on their own experience.

I haven't yet read Nancy Verrier's book (checked Sat. but my library didn't have it.) I have read some synopses and criticism of it online. I don't think that, if we disagree with parts of the book or the conclusions some have drawn based on the book, that we have to assume that people who recommend it are just trying to sell books. I think it obviously speaks to the experience of many people, just not all people.

I don't think ALL mothers who choose adoption are coerced (though I see that coercion is real) and I don't think ALL children are automatically better off with the parents they were born to (though I see that there is always a loss, and the falsification and sealing of records is unneccessary and harmful.) I don't think ALL adoptive parents are responsible for ALL the reasons that women are pressured into adoption. But I do see that there are some issues that should be taken seriously. I think coercion DOES happen. I think that youth or poverty or being single shouldn't keep people from raising their children if they want to. I think there are many people who underestimate the emotional repercussions of adoption for the mother and the child.

I think this is a hugely complex issue and we would have a better chance at coming to some better understanding of it if ALL of us refrained from personal attacks. We would do better to assume that people are telling the truth and if we disagree with their conclusions, refute their arguments with logic. I would like to see us assume that people make the choices they do, not because they are selfish, but because they believe they are doing the right thing. I would like to see adoptive parents and potential adoptive parents treated with more respect here - I think if we want to educate people in general, we stand a better chance if we don't insult them and drive them away.

I am an adoptive parent, and even the fact that ours was a foster adoption has not meant that some people here didn't assume the worst of me. However, I know what my intentions are, and I think it's worthwhile to challenge my own assumptions by engaging with those who have different perspectives, so I have continued to read and post here. (I did change my display name since I found out that setting my Q & A's to private does not prevent people from googling my display name to get the same info, and since I discovered that Yahoo was sending updates of all my Answers activity to people in my email contacts without my knowledge.)

EDIT: (so I changed my display name to something that would be really hard to google. )

Jennifer L

I generally will believe the stories people share unless I see some reason to disbelieve them. Most of us here have a good understanding of how the adoption process works, so fabrication needs to be pretty good. Not to say that it can't happen, of course, but I don't think it's a common practice among the regulars. Trolls usually haven't done their homework and it shows.

I'm hearing your frustration about adoptive parents being vilified here, but you aren't going to convince people here about your motives and rationale. As an adoptive parent that's been on this forum for awhile, I don't really see the point of sharing your family's adoption story here. It'll be picked apart and attacked. Though it's only natural to feel defensive when that happens, if you react to it, then the response is, 'We -must- be right, because you're protesting too much!'.

So anyway, I -get- that you're frustrated and defensive and I'm not saying that those feelings are misplaced, but you're setting yourself up for -more- frustration here. Give it a rest. You aren't going to change anyone's minds, so don't bother wasting the energy or effort.

Carol c

I don't know if your question will be removed or not, but the very fact that you ask this kind of offensive question is indicative of the fact that you choose to live in denial of how adoption has destroyed so many lives.

Why in the world would most people make up stories about their adoption experience (other than obvious trolls) to garner sympathy? How sad that you do not seem to have an ounce of compassion for those of us sharing our authentic experience in a forum *specifically* designed to discuss all aspects of adoption.

Maybe you need to pretend like you're an ostrich and keep your head in the sand so that you can raise your adopted child without understanding the impact adoption will probably have on him?

Doesn't sound like you care to read, but here's a very honest book written by an adoptive mother/therapist "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier. Then come back and ask your silly little provacative questions because you have nothing else to do with your life but accuse people of fabricating stories just because you don't like what they have to say.

I am stunned at your crassness. How in the hell did you ever pass a home study?

Moi

No not everybodies. I do believe the ones I am friends on facebook though. I have seen adoptive parents claim to be first parents and adoptees. They say or do anything to make adoption sound great with no draw backs.

Foster care adoptions have corruption in them to. That is why reform is needed to change the system and let people parent. I think social workers should have a check list to determine if a child is being abused and should be removed or if simple parenting classes or anger management classes would be better than removal of a child.

AnnaBelle

I do believe the regulars. Some of them I know from FB, and I know a couple of them IRL. If nothing else, I believe people unless I have a compelling reason not to.

I would, however, like to point out that those who "voluntarily" relinquish their child for adoption and those whose children are removed involuntarily by social services are not generally comprised of the same pool of people. Most mothers who "voluntarily" relinquished would not have been addicted child abusers. That is one of the biggest misconceptions that I have run into on Y!A, and I get a bit irritated when it's used as a justification for private adoption.

gypsywinter

You gotta be kidding me??? mmmmmm....no you're not. You are an adoptive parent who only wants to believe in the creamy goodness of all things adoption (even though you say otherwise)....it makes YOU feel better about yourself as an adoptive parent. The only difference is "timing"?? So one mother gets her kid taken away because she has supposedly been proven to be an abusive/neglectful parent, while the mother who has her newborn spirited away...BEFORE she has the chance to be an abusive/neglectful parent. What convenient, self-serving thinking that is for someone such as yourself who has adopted.

I personally know some of the people who leave 'answers' here...and they are most assuredly REAL people with very REAL experiences as natural mothers and adoptees in Adoption Land. Believe what you must, if that helps you, to get you, through your day.

Sunny

"In the other, the birth mother realized before the child is born that she is incapable of giving the child the life that she would like him/her to have."

There's your first lie in a post of babble to make yourself feel better. What is this "benefit of the doubt" you're desperate for? Do you want us to do? Absolve you of your guilt for benefiting from another woman's misfortune? Why do you need us? You've already convinced yourself that your "child" is better off with you.

I suppose it's easier for you to actually accept responsibility for your part in the farce
that is adoption by calling adoptees (people who lost their families at birth) "fabricators" who "push falsehoods". Our opinions hold no value to you unless we echo your beliefs.

Ask yourself what we have to gain here. If you fell down a hole, and got hurt, and someone could have prevented it--wouldn't you want to tell others? I would and I do. If ONE mother sees through the adoption lie before giving up, it will have been worth it.

Oh, and I don't think of PAPs and APs as "Satan". I think of them as selfish.

Lady Rowan

Many of them, yes I do believe. I know several of the regulars here off of YA, and their stories are consistent.

Robin W

I am one of those who doesn't particularly like what adoption has done to me and my children and my life and the lives of scores of my friends. Yep. We are speaking up and a lot of people don't like it. Adoption is NOT, in the majority of cases, in the best interests of a newborn infant. That is something that is done for the benefit of the prospective adopters and facilitators/agents/attorneys are the ones who go after the vulnerable, often single, young and financially strapped mother. The coercion is a lot more subtle and less punitive than in my day, but it is still going on. That baby knows that the person caring for him or her is not the person they were expecting, the one whose scent and sound they knew in the womb where initial bonding takes place. Just because you want a baby doesn't mean you have the right to one. No, I don't think it is the work of Satan. I think it is the greed of humanity that has a hand in infant adoption. The natural mothers believed what they were told, what the popular mythology is, what the facilitators were saying. The grief they suffer will surface at a bad time and in a bad way. They usually wind up on natural mother support forums within a few years wondering why their parents wouldn't help them and why no one told them how much it would hurt them and their child.

Vanessa

Spoken like a true adoption pusher... your post is nothing more than an attempt to denounce and brush off people's horrific experiences and quite franky, it P***** ME OFF. You have no right to do that. It is insulting and degrading to those of us who have lived without our children NEEDLESSLY.

I wish somene would have the nerve to tell me I am "fabricating" my experience and that it is a "falsehood" to my face. It is so easy for people to sit behind their computers and say such idiotic things.

What is wrong, does hearing the TRUTH make you uncomfortable? Does it threaten you?

GOOD.

Pip

"Do you believe the stories on Y!A adoption forum?" - I do believe the regulars, some are on facebook, on forums and have blogs. They are consistant with what they write so why on earth should I disbelieve them?

"There are several people that have related their "stories" here with the intent of casting adoption in a bad light. While many of them may be true, I find a lot of them difficult to believe." - Why? Because it hasn't happened to you? You don't know anybody who has been through a similar experience? I have a personal negative adoption story to tell but it's not to deliberate cast a bad light on adoption. It is the truth of what happened to me and I have every right to share my experience. Adoption isn't all candy floss, fluffy bunny wabbit stories and happy ever after endings. The is the dark side to adoption not just the positives. Just because you don't like somebody's adoption story doesn't mean they're not telling the truth.

"Others have simply fabricated their adoption experiences out of thin air, simply to push their own anti-adoption agendas. These falsehoods, in my opinion, take some of the impact away from those that truly did have poor experiences." - If you think somebody is lying just to push an anti adoption agenda then why are you here complainin? Why don't you just report the person?

"I am not naive enough to think that all adoption experiences are wonderful and perfect. I just think that people should give the benefit of the doubt to those of us that are truly trying to raise a child that was placed for adoption." - Exactly but this is in the public dormain and everybody has the right to state how they feel about adoption whether it;s the good, the bad or the ugly. I have no problem about anybody saying how wonderful adoption is for them. What I have a problem with is people not wanting anybody stating the negative side of adoption. If someone doesn't know the negative side how do you expect them to feel if anything goes wrong. They would have every right to ask why nobody warned them.

"It is amazing how many people think that foster to adoption is a wonderful thing, but infant adoption is the work of satan himself" _ I don't think either is wonderful With the first the child has to suffer whether it be abuse or neglect and loss of their family. With infant adoption it is generally unnecessary and the mother should be encouraged to raise her child. However I would rather a child be adopted than harmed.

"In the other, the birth mother realized before the child is born that she is incapable of giving the child the life that she would like him/her to have." - It's a good thing you're not in the same room as me as that comment is extremely offensive. I am a mother not a birth mother - I have the OBC and adoption paperwork that clearly states I am my son's mother. How dare you state that mothers realise they are incapable of giving their child the life they would like their child to have. You don't me or the many other mothers who were capable of raising our child and giving them the life we wanted for them. I could have provided my son a roof over his head, clothes on his back, shoes on his feet, food in his stomach AND holidays abroad *shock, horror*.

Anha S

Pushing books and articles? Perhaps because the person posting the links feel that said books and articles have valid information on whatever the question is. Just because someone suggests some outside reading does not nefarious intent make.

Yup, there are trolls. Some who stick around for awhile, and others who hit and run post. Generally, one can peg them. The regulars, people who routinely share their story, I believe. Whether they had a good experience, a horrible one, or in between, I believe them. Everyone has their own truth. I suppose its easier for you to believe that some stories are fabricated, especially the ones that don't put adoption in a shining halo. But I lived it. And so have many others. And many others continue to live awful horrible experiences with adoption. Sorry if that tips your world view and makes you uncomfortable.

Foster adoption isn't a wonderful thing. A child in foster care has very likely gone through something awful. Foster adoption is actually giving a child in need a home. Infant adoption gives a couple in want an infant. 2 very different things. To suggest that it is just a matter of timing is highly offensive. Many women who relinquished could very well have parented well and effectively, and gone on to be awesome parents. Its like you are implying that those who relinquished at birth were abusers in waiting.

I find it amusing that you want benefit of the doubt, but are doing a spectacular job bashing those who don't share your views, and doing your level best to discount them.

â™¥ ~Sigy the Arctic Kitty~â™¥

Yes I do! And you saying "stories" as if they are lying is a disgusting outrage!

Edit: I don't know if the asker really is someone who adopted a baby and is desperately trying to rationalise it. But this is sick.

tish_part deux

i agree...

especially those by adoptive parents who purport to speak (type) for their adoptive child's first mother; or those who have horrible stories about their adoptive child's first mother who was a crackhead ...

glass houses...you know?

chafarm123

I think some of the posts are legitimate and some of them are simply trolls. This is true of Answers in general.
Answers is useful as a writing and thinking exercise, however, I doubt it helps very many people because the askers themselves are often seeking a specific answer to justify their choice. Many don't really want an accurate or factual answer. Best wishes.

Andraya - Snark's Sister

Yes, I do believe most of the people here. Not all, but most.

As for my own "story" I wish it was fiction. Lies rarely cause the emotional distress and mental health issues I am faced with.

LinnyG

Considering that I have met at least 6 people, in real life, who are regular posters here and that I "talk" on a regular basis on Facebook and the phone to others who post here, yes. I do believe their stories. And no one here has written a book, lol.

There are not many regular adoptee posters here who have had "bad experiences". We're just adopted, and that in itself is a bad experience. Our gain of a new family came with unspeakable losses.

No one here thinks foster care adoption is a wonderful thing, either...but it is the ONLY form of adoption that is really needed. The foster child who is adopted comes with losses, too. Im not sure why you cannot understand that ALL adoptions begin with loss.

The difference is NOT "timing". That statement proves how little you know about how adoption affects a child, his or her first family, and their adoptive parents.

If you think that most first Mothers "realize she is incapable of giving the child the life that she would like him/her to have", you are really misinformed. Most are TOLD they are incapable.

Your attitude towards adoption, and the fact you still use the word "birthmother" shows your true feelings of entitlement and that you have a long way to go to be a proper parent to your adoptive child.

I hope you do not discount his story and feelings. It will only come back to bite you in the behind.

Oh, and Y!A has TOS. People can report a question all they like, but unless it directly violates the TOS, it will not be removed. But Im going to report you for ranting anyway.

Jillian

I think its in the best interest for adoptive parents to pretend that there is no downside to adoption, and they feel like there own adoption could be NOTHING like the experiences of some of the usual members here, most whom have been deeply and negatively effected. They dont want to think that maybe their "birthmother" could have felt some coercion, they dont want to think their adoption agency was less then 100% ethical, and they want to be reassured that paying 10,000 dollars + for a baby was a "wonderful and loving thing to do".

So when they come on here and see the pain and the hurt of the women who where forced to give up their children, when they read the stories of the 16 year old girls who want to keep their babies but parents are forcing them to choose adoption and threatening to kick them out if they dont follow through, when they see 14 year olds who want to find their natural parents or who are angry with their adoptive parents, they try and pretend that these things are not real. They try and reassure themselves that their adoption had nothing to do with these very real situations. That their son or daughter with thank them for adopting them and then never look for their biological relatives.

Even you post questions on here demanding to know why your child's mother wont write back to you, you assume that she has not been affected negatively by you having her little one to the point where she wants nothing to do with you. I am sure one day she will want something to do with her child, but that does not mean she wants to communicate with you. And that is just fine. You dont own her. You represent something dark, lonely, frightening, and soul wrenching in her mind.

I am not saying that everyone tells the truth, but here in the adoption section, there is no natural mothers who are making up stories. The good ones or the bad ones. It is a very close knit community. I wish I knew most of these people in person. I know my experience, and that makes it very very easy to believe others on here. I was coerced by an adoption agency only a year and a half ago. Instead of helping me figure out if I could parent, they only shoved adoption information at me. Does a 21 year old who his almost done with college and has wealthy parents who are willing to help out financially sound like someone who should give up their child for adoption???? I was like perfect bait for them, I didn't know a lot about babies and I was scared because I got pregnant from rape. I called them because I didn't really know who to talk to. They should have helped me look at my options realistically, but instead they pressed adoption like the meal ticket it is for them. Then they called me 10000 times after I had my son and decided to parent. Told me I was being stupid. Asked me how I was going to go to law school. Told me that they adoptive parents would do a much better job then I ever would. THIS ONLY HAPPENED A YEAR AND A HALF AGO. So of course I believe the mothers who this has happened to over the decades.

DevonChaos

I believe a lot of them. There are a lot of people who I know from other places who post here, and they are 100% honest about what they say here.
My story, everything that I've posted here, is 100% honest. Lying is not going to help anyone in this capacity. My experience is something that only I own, and I'm going to speak out on it no matter what.
It might do you some good to open your heart a bit to the experiences of others. Perhaps you don't believe the more outlandish accounts? Well, many accounts here are very extreme, but many of them are very true. I don't understand how someone can close themselves off to these things. I guess that is a person's prerogative, however.

ETA: I really think, more and more, that you are being selectively dismissive. I don't think that adoption is the work of Satan, but I cannot fathom it to be the work of any God. Adoption is something that will always be needed in one form or another, because there will always be a number of true orphans around who need homes, as well as children who are abused and neglected who need a family to be true to them when their own has failed them. However, abuse and trauma happens in adoption. It is just wrong to assume they don't. Children are adopted by abusive parents continually. This isn't the only trauma that happens in adoption. Any seperation of a mother/child, family/child is going to cause a deep wound somewhere. Until we can understand (collectively) that this is true, adopted folks will still be misunderstood.
Believe my story, don't believe my story. I really could care less. I find your story facinating. How can you survive without empathy?

SJM

Some stories I believe. Some I don't. In the grand scheme of things, people's stories are NOYB. Moreover, who exactly are you, and why should anyone believe a word from your keyboard?

Matt

I hear what your saying , But you need to realize that there are some that have had a really bad experience with adoption, And when I say bad experience , I don't mean it as some punch line, I mean a really bad experience....
Adoption is supposed to be about giving a child a shot at a better life ( At least that's what they say), But instead of a better life , What if that child's life was even worse?
The problem I have is that alot of people here think its ok if some of us have had a bad experience, That its not that big of a deal, Like the old in order to make an Omlette you must break a few eggs.....
All I can talk about is the bad, That is all I know...... There is nothing good I can even think about talking about....
Now as far as some people making up fake stories about having a bad experience with adoption goes....... I really hope that's not the case, There are to many of us that truly have had a really bad experience with adoption, The last thing we need is people making stuff up.....
I really wish I could sit here and tell you how happy I am , And tell you that my adoption was the best thing that has happened to me, But if I was to do that, I would be lying through my teeth ......
I don't have a life, I don't know where I belong , To many people turned their backs on me and let me down over the years. I cannot trust anyone, I have so much hate inside me, I do not have a sense of humor, I am dead serious 24, 7.
I would of been better off being aborted , Instead of living in this hell....
So when people come to the adoption section and start saying adoption is so good and they cant figure out why some people are so angry and against it, It rubs me the wrong way....
You cannot understand what it feels like , Unless you have experienced it first hand yourself.
In my case, I don't ever want another child to go through what I have, This is not a way to live...
So , I let people know how bad adoption can really be......... I hope this answers some of your questions.....

Love Few, Hate Many, Trust No One...

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