Do you think it is morally right to adopt due to infertility?

Whether you can conceive or not, I think it's a wonderful thing to adopt a child. Giving a child a loving home is the best thing ever.

I have 2 biological children but I would love to adopt one day.

Julia

My Sister is Infertile, And has adopted ever since she was 27, All are from Teenage Mothers that chose Not To get abortions, but couldn't take care of the baby. All 4 Are Amazing.

In my opinion, It doesn't matter weather you can or cannot Conceive, If you Adopt a Child, Love It as Any Parent would with a Biological child, And Love them & Take care of them, Just like any Mother who has Conceived children, Then They would Make Truly, great parents.

I'm having a hard time explaning...
Just to Try to "Explain clearer, I just Agree with AdoreHim, I'm Not good at explaning my own thoughts like this...

AdoreHim

Why do you think it would morally wrong? Just because women cannot conceive does not mean that they should not have children. I know that there are couples that actually have both biological and adopted children, so your theory is not 100% accurate. I am so thankful that birth mothers consider adoption for their children, or my 2 children and I may not be here today. I cannot understand how adoption can be morally wrong, and abortion a good alternative. People actually give thumbs up to abortion here more than adoption. This world is totally upside down.

cricketlady

I think adopting a child and giving a child a loving home is a good and moral thing to do.

Kathryn

I think as long as you are willing to raise the child with love and safety it doesn't matter.

Anon Adoptee

it is always morally wrong to adopt

Pip

No.

I don't have a problem with infertile people adopting but if they are using that as a reason then it really does rub me up the wrong way. People who adopt should be doing so because they want to provide a safe loving home for a child and love that child unconditionally regardless of whether they are infertile or not. I do agree with you that adoption should always be about the child as their needs are more important than the adoptive parents.

Incidently I have suffered the double whammy of being coerced into surrendering my only child then my hubby and I not having children due to infertility. We would never use infertility as a reason for adopting.

Wellspring

morally? What does "wanting" someone else's child have to do with infertility anyway. Some say "work through infertility before adopting" as if there can be such a thing as adopting "after" infertility. When they need to wrap it in pc language like "want to be a parent, unconditional love, give a loving home", etc... , or anything else to negate the real issue - it doesn't change the fact they "want" someone else's child .
.

Sunny

I still can't imagine WHY someone would adopt IF they were fertile.

I'm not at all upset that I was plan B. Here's something APs need to understand: you are our plan B, too.

There isn't a child on the planet who wouldn't rather be raised by his mother--I don't care WHAT they tell you.

love my life

And you had children why? Oh let me guess because you wanted to be a mom. The exact same reason people adopt weather they are infertile or not. The thing you are missing when it comes to adoption is if they didn't want to be parents they wouldn't adopt. If people fertile or not didn't want to be parents there would be no adoptions and those kids would live their lives out in foster homes (providing there were those who wanted to be foster parents) and orphanages Just because you have a child that isn't your bio child doesn't mean you can't or won't love them just as much. The point of anyone being a parent is to love them unconditionally. And how do you know that they raise the child wishing they could have conceived. When someone adopts that child is theirs and they are loved to infinity as you put it. There are a lot of bio parents who don't love their bio kids unconditionally and you know it. So do you think you are better than those who are infertile and adopt because you had bio kids too? If so you are sadly mistaken.
Don't judge someone unless you have walked in their shoes and clearly you have not. Just another one bashing those not fortunate to have bio kids.

ILoveDaisiesXO

unfortunately, my husband and are suffer from infertility "unexplained infertility" we are thinking about adoption, we love children and the reason i say thinking about adoption is because we have heard bad stories.....

anyhow, may i propose the opposite scenario? what about people who CAN have children, just because you CAN doesn't mean you should.....you need a license to drive a car, a license to get married, heck a license to put a deck on your house.......but no one needs a license to get pregnant and have a baby and become parents......

at least if someone adopts they most likely really really WANT a baby, i would much rather this than some people who don't have 2 brain cells to rub together procreating.....just because they were horny

edit: i just had to agree with the woman about me, don't most people have a baby because THEY want to be a mom, who goes and has a BABY because they are doing it for THE BABY? they are not putting the baby first they are putting THEMSELVES first......come on now....

i dont understand why anyone would say its wrong to adopt a baby that someone has given up (not coerced!!) the whole idea of having children is people THE COUPLE WANTS TO BE PARENTS .....

Spotty-Dotty

There's nothing right or wrong or selfish or selfless about it.

If a couple who can or can't have kids adopt and love and raise an adopted child, there's nothing wrong with that.

kateiskate is getting married

I think it's wrong for anyone to adopt for the wrong reasons. And adopting to fill a void left by miscarriages or infertility doesn't do anyone any good.

Children are a lot more perceptive than people give them credit for. They will know that they were the second choice. No one wants to have to wear that burden every day. No one wants to have to walk in the shadows of "what could have been".

And it does not serve the parents any good at all to let these major issues go untreated. Infertility issues are a big deal and really need to be properly addressed and managed before you begin to talk about adoption.

If you had a twisted knee would you sign up to run a marathon without rehabilitating your knee?

louise m

Of course adopt. My daughter-in-law has children of her own. She adopted the most loveable little boy. He is THEIR son and OUR grandson

Lissa

I think it is fair, because everyone I know that has adopted a child has loved that child so much they might explode.

and I'm going to adopt and have my own kids. (If I can ]= )

Erin L

I think one can come to adoption after infertility and not have the attitude of it being "second best" and absolutely love a child unconditionally. I do cringe when couples go through DECADES of fertility treatments before adopting. I think in that case it obviously IS a second choice and their infertility hasn't been resolved psychologically before adopting. Then I think there are cases where, sure people tend to have an image in their mind of a biological family because that's just what's typical for most people, but infertility changes that image, adoption is researched and done ethically. In my own case, I have a condition, which I learned of at age 12, that causes infertility. So, I kind of always viewed myself as becoming a parent through adoption, never went through any fertility treatments, and I love my daughter unconditionally.

Doodlestuff

Infertile couples want BABIES. They also want healthy babies. That is what is creating a lot of the problem. If they just wanted children without homes, there wouldn't be as much fraud, bullying and other issues going on in adoption.

I honestly believe that there are a lot of a-parents who just want to nurture children. They treat their a-children as wonderfully as they do biological children. They adopt after they've already had biological children. They adopt children who clearly will be challenged. These folks aren't adopting JUST BECAUSE they couldn't have biological children.

Opedial

If the people have properly grieved their loss at not being able to conceive, have had time to really really really think about what they want to do, ahve been educated on the needs of children waiting and they go in this route then yes I think it is okay.

I also say this as an adoptive mother who first could not conceive, and would never consider fertiliyt (okay once we said we would try it but I am hormonal enough without extras!) who then grieved not having a baby, worked and went to school, fostered many children, and eight years after her whole process she (and husband can't forget him in this equation) adopted three fabulous wonderful (abeit quite a bit of mischeif lately) children.

So yeah I think in those cases it is okay, but what the heck do I know.

ETA: I think Sunny's comment went below the belt this time! Meanie bobeanie! :)

H******

At one point in history it was actually a pre-requisite to qualifying to adopt

Serenity71

Yes adoption is about the child. And my kids aren't "Plan B" as you put it. Thats something people who can't think outside of their own idea of family say, not us.

But the people who want to adopt have to want to do it for themselves too. That's not a selfish motive, after all who calls a couple who decide to get pregnant because they want a family and they're doing it for themselves selfish? No one, but it is isn't. So, are you selfless because you had a baby for the child...all that time you didn't think of your own happiness in becoming a parent once? I won't believe that for a second if you said yes.

Ethics is when its about the needs of the child, listening to how a child feels about things and trying to understand and not dismissive of it putting them first in your life. I didn't have to had a child that looks like me in order to love my kids. It was never a condition.

Quote-"I personally have both adopted and biological children who are loved to infinity..." Goody for you, doesn't make you better that someone who couldn't give birth, nor your reasons for adopting a child better either.

"If someone can't have kids, they need to make peace with that fact before they try to fill a void with a child."
Who says that's always the case in infertility. Why did you adopt? was it to fill a space because you love babies and you're grew up? Oh not couldn't have been...after all you gave birth to a children.

Sorry, i just get sick of people who don't understand making it out that because they gave birth, their reasons for adopting a child are so much more pure and the "Get over it" attitude to women who go through a lot to become parents.

No one owed me a child. My kids are with me because we wanted them, and I planned to foster to adopt a child whether I had biological kids or not.

LinnyG

I dont think it's morally right to adopt any newborn, unless the baby has no other natural family members to raise the child. I actually think the opposite, though. I feel that people who have their own bio kids should not adopt at all. But if they are adopting through foster care, infertile couples should be in the front of the line.

And for cr@ps sake, why do some people need to make every stinking question about abortion?????? I wish they would go picket a clinic instead of answering every question with blah blah blah, abortion is wrong, blah blah blah, my burfmuggle did not abort me....

Walter Ford II

I was adopted because my amother couldn't have kids. She never came out and said it but its well known in this family she's infertile.

I'll ask her over dinner tonight how she feels about it as well as why she chose to adopt internationally instead of thru foster care.

Love this site.....its giving me lots of ammo to fire at my adoptive parents as well as tons of info on adoption. Most people I know are clueless about it.

People who suffer from infertility need to take the time to grieve for the biological child they will never have and seek counseling if necessary BEFORE they move forward with adoption. Once they are in a healthy place mentally and they still want to be parents then I don't see anything wrong with them moving forward with adoption.

AnnaBelle

It's not that adoption in the case of infertility is morally wrong.

What IS, however, morally wrong is when a prospective adoptive parent has not fully realized and worked through the emotional ramifications of the infertility, since this can sometimes lead to some questionable decisions being made.

There needs to be an understanding that raising an adopted child is different...not better, not worse, but different. Different experience altogether...Adoption is not simply an alternative to childbirth. This puts a great deal of pressure on the child, and does not erase the grief of the parent.

Also, understanding that parents don't deserve children, children deserve parents. Ethical adoptions that are child-centred need to be the focus, rather than providing a child to a waiting parent.

ETA: LOL @LinnyG...You gotta admire the skill though, right? How many other people could take a question about INFERTILITY and turn it into ABORTION...? Seriously...

aloha.girl59

Either I or my former husband is infertile. We adopted our son from foster care when he was 2-1/2 years old. I was extremely disappointed when I never got pregnant and I grieved that loss for a very long time. We started out with a Catholic adoption agency, realized they were totally coercive and just plain icky, closed our case with them, and moved on to foster care.

My son needed a family to take care of him. His mother is unable to and no other family members were located. (My son's fmom was also a foster child.) I don't know what it's like to love a child I brought into the world so I can't realistically compare loving my son to a child that is biologically mine, but I love him more than anyone else on earth and so does his adad (my ex-husband). You're right: I probably wouldn't have adopted if I had been able to bear children, but I don't think of my son as second choice. It's hard to explain, but being a mom was more important to me than giving birth. My son fills a void in my life -- I wanted to be a mom and now I am one. But we also fill a void in his life -- he needed parents who love him, as you said, unconditionally. And we do. It's not always easy -- my son has some difficulties -- but to me it's all just part of being a parent. I'd rather have my son with his difficulties than any of my sister's 3 kids who are biologically related to me.

monkeykitty83

The line for me is whether it's a "because" or an "and."

I don't think a couple should adopt solely BECAUSE of infertility, if what they really want is a biological child and they feel like they're settling for adoption. Adopted children deserve to be loved and wanted just like any other child, not treated as a stopgap or seen as second rate. It puts an unfair burden on the child to try to replace something they can never be.

However, if a couple suffers from infertility, but has processed and grieved their loss, AND later decide they still want to care for children, I don't think there's anything wrong with them adopting a child who needs a home, just because they also happen to be infertile. As long as they're being realistic that their adopted child also has another set of parents, is from a different genetic line, may be very unlike them, and may (or may not) carry a lot of grief, the parents' own reproductive status isn't really an issue.

I don't think there's any real value in trying to figure out whether they would have adopted anyway or not. By that point, the situation is what it is, and choices that would have been made in a different situation have become moot. Some people come to adoption through a journey with infertility or after a journey with infertility, and just never would have thought of it otherwise. It doesn't really matter how they got there, though-- what matters is how they've dealt with their infertility emotionally, and whether they're able to accept it and move on.

Humans aren't permanently stuck in one place emotionally. We all grow, change, and make progress. That moving on may enable someone to wholeheartedly embrace a choice they couldn't have before. Most people don't know from birth that they wanted to be adoptive parents, so I think there's generally room for leeway about how they came to that decision. What matters is that NOW, in the PRESENT, they want to adopt, and see the child as worthy of love in his or her own right, not as a replacement.

Becoming a parent through adoption and becoming a parent through giving birth are different. They just are. It doesn't mean either is more meaningful, involves more or less love, or anything like that-- but it's not the same process, and it doesn't feel the same way. So you can't just substitute adoption for pregnancy. But having wanted one thing doesn't mean that you can't someday have a genuine and appropriate desire for the other thing.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: