Does this not show why adoption is wrong?

This was taken from a adopters blog:
"Yep. I am a bad mother. I regret ever adopting my older two kids. They are soooo hard to raise and they came withsooooo many problems. They are emotionally unstable, they lie, steal, manipulate, everything ALL DAY EVERYDAY and parenting them brings me no joy what-so-ever. I always caution people against adopting older kids from foster care unless they are older and finished with child rearing and can focus on a loveless relationship and have the time and energy to run their house like a prison. We were lied to about our kids and not given their files until AFTER their adoption was final. I was so stupid because I thought a loving home and stability would "help" these kids. WRONG. We have had them for 4 years (got them at ages 5 and 6) and they only get better at lying. We just found out today that our now 10 year old has been stealing from us. She is the one everything thinks is so sweet and innocent but they don't know her. So today Andi stole $20 from us to buy a little thumb sized stuffed animal from a girl at school. Nice. We live penny to penny and yet she feels it's ok to do this. I noticed money missing and I was yelling at my husband all day telling him that he must have taken it because I didn't and we weren't going to have enough money to get by until Friday when he gets paid. Then, the kids came home from school and Miguel told me Andi found a $20 bill in the middle of a bush on the way to school this morning. After interrogation, he admitted what she did and also gave her up about stealing things from the kids at school then SELLING THEM to other people. Great. I am the mother of a 10 year old slanger in the 5 th grade. Oh so proud. NOTHING we do gets to them. No punishments, no rewards, NOTHING drives them to be better people. That's part of RAD. (Reactive Attachment Disorder) No conscience. I feel like **** because I imagine all the time that something happens that will send them back to their birth mom and how great life would be. From sun up to sun down I have to deal with all their crap. Calls from the school about theft, lying, trying to hurt our animals, last night I became overwhelmed and binged. I felt like such a failure because I turned to the only way to cope I know how. I wanted the world to stop for a moment and when I binge it does. For me, it is not our fault they are this way. We did not abuse or neglect them. Their birth mom did and some of their foster parents but we are left cleaning up the crap forever. Where is the joy? I try soooo hard to give them a normal life but it's like they don't want to accept that. All the RAD specialists say there is nothing we can do but try to "condition" them to do the right thing by habit but not because they know it's the right thing. Since they were neglected so bad during their formative years before 3, their brains didn't form naturally in that way and they are incapable of ever bonding or feeling empathy. I guess the criminal part of their brains developed just fine because they are great at all that. You would NEVER know it if you met them. they are MASTERS at putting on a fake front. EVERYONE is always telling me how good they are at church and school until stiff comes up missing... Give them a while and they will start to show their true colors. I feel soooo guilty thinking the things I do because I know it is not their fault for what happened to them to make them this way, but I resent being lied to by the state of California and now I am "stuck" with this situation. Everyday this is my existence. I am extra grateful for my other two kids because at least I get the good with the bad. I get to know what it's like to have a child of mine love me and feel empathy for others. Yes, the kids are in therapy and s ee the therapist at school. I did get a notice from the school that the problems they have are far beyond what they deal with. Duh. Sometimes I find myself looking forward to when they are 12 and we can put them in a boot camp or group home. I look forward to peace. I look forward to some normalcy. That is, if they make it to 12 without going to Juvenal hall from finally stealing from the wrong person or place. Then i feel guilty for thinking those things. Thanks for listening to my vent. I don't talk about this much because it is so embarrassing, but it is my reality. No judgements please. Unless you have a kid with RAD, you would not understand"
Additional Details
For Jackie B heres the link
It is worst then what I posted, she has their pictures up.
http://74.125.113.132/search?q=cache:ygXCKTqWrdcJ:www.wellsphere.com/weight-loss-article/nut-job/810361+weight-loss-article/nut-job/810361&cd=3&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us
And for the first poster I will respond to you after you read the blog

sizesmith

First of all, this wasn't an adoption from birth. This adoption was through the State of California, and must be a foster care adoption, which is done when a child who needs a home is adopted.

I definately agree that their picture shouldn't have been posted, and that putting things like this on the internet isn't a good idea. It appears that this woman is venting, as stated here, and letting off the steam from an existence that would try anyone's patience. RAD children vary in the degree of their problems, and it's like living with a robot who only understands survival, and probably won't ever show you that they love you.

No, I don't think this would ever be the end of adoption from this. There are a LOT more good adoptive parents than bad ones, and face it, there's a HUGE LOT more bad biological parents out there. Kids in foster care prove that.

I do think it would be a poster letter for steralization of people who neglect their children that much (First mom in this case-for the first 3 years they didn't get the needed attention).

Aoi Dragon

I would like to note that not all adoptions are like this. Being an adoptee myself, my life has been very good. My adoptive parents love and care for me and have allowed me to include my biological parents to be a part of my life.
From this blog, the parent seems to not know how to handle the children she has adopted. This is not her fault. Sometimes even parents who have biological children have no idea how to take care of them. From the sound of the blog, these children were not adopted as babies and thus had a long experience of foster care. Many children like this could crave love and attention but only know how to get it by doing something negative.
This mother seems to be venting out all her frustrations. It is not adoption that is the problem; she is also doing her best to raise these difficult children. Perhaps speaking with a professional would help.
But PLEASE do not blame adoption. I would blame the adoption agency for not doing a good job of informing the new parents of what they were getting in to.

Yarr

The only thing that would have any chance of proving is that adopting older children is wrong.

Carol c

Well she sure is in over her head and posting the kid's pix online is really over the top.

I'm not a fan of adoption but I'm not sure this is evidence of anything of anything except for the fact that this woman should not have adopted. And I really feel horrible for these children.

Interesting too, that she blames her weight problems and binging on these children.

Rosie

"Unless you have a kid with RAD, you would not understand"

Ouch. I do understand. Luckily this is a very rare extreme case and not the norm of adoptive situations. I do not believe children who are this disabled should be placed in family situations with other children.

These children are very tough to parent. It shows why adoption of special needs children needs full disclosure. It sounds like she feels betrayed because they did not tell her how severe the impediments were. Sometimes agencies do lie and gloss over severe emotional disturbances to clear their cases out.

It takes a long time working with a child like this to get them to settle in, if ever. Love is not enough. And when they are harming animals, it is chilling and toxic to the family system.

Lady Rowan

the link you provided doesn't go to a blog.

Julia B

No, it doesn't.

Serenity71

She's not a good mother. plenty of people like that in the world. And if they're stealing from her then she should be dealing with it maturely and not spending time writing a blog. She has to take some responsibility for parenting them. If they're doing things like this then she has been laxed somewhere over the years in how she's parented her kids.

She's made her bed and now she has to lay in it, and work harder to correct the damage of bad parenting.

Kids aren't stupid and this lady has made herself a push over for them, if they know they can get away with it then of course they'll continue to do it. And her perfect biological child I bet just gets away with more, or just outsmarts her better.

Maybe she should have dropped her saviour complex before adopting kids.

rugby chick

I agree that Crappy AP moms exist, but there is also many biological birth mothers out there also.
At least this AP mom has/is attempting to direct and raise these kids. Yes sometimes kids that has been thrown around in the system do not turn out the way we would like.

DropsOfJupiter

Nope. It shows that parents who adopted come in every flavor just like parents raising bio kids

LaraSue

No, it shows why this ONE woman shouldn't have adopted.

Angela R

I think the post shows major promblems with THIS particular adoption, but is not a good example of most adoptive parents or adoptions.

AdoreHim

did not read the whole post, but I can respond in a much shorter fashion. Just because this person should not have adopted, that DOES NOT MAKE ADOPTION WRONG? How ignorant!

so, you find someone who shouldn't have ever adopted and you think adoption is bad? you really need to get over yourself.No, adoption is NOT bad.IDIOTS are.and guess what..they come in all forms whether biological or adoptive.

Adoption is not wrong. Its been around since Moses. This is an example of someone who should not have been parenting, makes no difference if the children are adopted or biological

Ham Sandwich

"Adoption is wrong". That's your carte blanche statement of all this?

So what do you suggest, then, be done with children who have the misfortune of being born to evil, sick people who cannot or will not raise a child? Just leave them there to die of abuse or neglect? Or perhaps we should just throw them all in the forest to fend for themselves from infancy, and be raised by grizzly bears? Institutionalize them, maybe? I realize you're bitter about something, but to just declare that adoption in general is "wrong" is asinine. Come up with a better solution and I'll at least consider your thesis.

Tad W

I am not pro-adoption by any means, but this blog post does not "prove" that adoption is wrong, any more than one car accident proves that driving is unsafe. It is an unfortunate situation for this mother and for her adopted children... and the rest of her family. And, unfortunately, it happens more often than it should.

But would it have been better for these two children to have remained with an abusive first family? Or to keep shuttling them between foster families until they age out? Perhaps a more effective intervention with the first family and a reunification plan might have been better, but we can't possibly know. And if there was a better option available, one would hope that it would have at least been tried. Can you provide a better option for abused children when reunification with the first parents isn't possible? I can't.

Where I have a problem with this is the unethical failure to disclose the full situation to the adopters in this case. They were dealt to from the bottom of the deck on this hand, and the result was that both the AP's and the children are on the losing side. I applaud this adopting mother for not dissolving the adoption, but hanging in there despite the underhanded way she was treated by the child welfare system. Perhaps with full disclosure either this family would have had a better chance of success or another, better prepared, family could have been found to adopt these two children.

Ferbs

JackieB nailed it (thanks!)

This example is hardly the rule Get Real..ahem...Truth.

And I don't care how hard life is at the moment or overall...you don't post your kids pictures and attach this type of rant to it on top of it all. Those kids will see that one day...it's internet world forever. Like they needed that.

She had a chance a LONG time ago to return the chidren to foster care (not that I encourage that as a rule) if the kids would not thrive OR would cause harm to the rest of the family in a way that seemed "unfixable" to the parents. I only say this because I don't think she knew how to handle the RAD problems in the first place. If the adoption was presented fraudulently, I certainly would be p!ssed but I would not make it public in this way.

It just compounds the problem.

Happy Mommie

I agree with Jackie. If we say all AP are alike, then all first moms are alike!

Why blame all adoption as "bad" beacuse of one nut case. Are all first parents bad because ONE of them threw a baby in the trash?

myst1998

Sadly, this is just one blog that states honestly how many adopters really truly feel.

Adoption is seen as this wonderful thing for all parties involved but even adoptive parents get stung by the lie. Band aids don't work on deep wounds, the pain is still there and the wound still bleeds. The band aid works temporarily and then sometimes infections occur as the wound has not be looked after properly. Adoption is a band aid in many people's lives. It covers up the surface issue temporarily but ends up causing more issues down the track like in this case.

I also know adoptive parents who have adopted infants that also feel adoption is wrong so it isn't just adoptive parents of older children.

While this post does not prove adoption is wrong on its own, it does add weight to the already long, long list of negatives against adoption (far outweighing the positives, which from memnory I don't think there are any!!)

Gregory

Just wanted to know what binged meant that's it oh and btw my dad would beat my a** if i didn't act right, adopted or not. just saying.

Oh and the girl that answered first, shut the f**k up

Penny L

This only shows why that particular adoption was wrong. This parent obviously wasn't prepared to adopt and parent children who have been neglected and abused. You don't just offer a child a home and stability and expect that all will be well. She was WRONG for posting their picture!

Where are children in foster care suppose to go when the family they had doesn't want them anymore? Are they never suppose to have a family?

Sam

I've worked with RAD kids. it's not for the faint hearted & they are nothing like regular kids. The state should have placed them in a therapeutic foster home or in a treatment center for RAD. Most older Rad kids cannot safely be in a regular home without intensive treatment.

7rin

No, it just shows that that specific adoption scenario is wrong, it in no way indicates that all other adoptions are wrong.

Randy B

Yep, it does prove at least two things.

1) The person who posted this is a troll; or

2) Adoption is not right for this person.

If I had to bet though I would put my money on option 1. I may even place a side bet that you made the original post too.

Laurel J

Well, it certainly shows why this person shouldn't have adopted. If she felt truly guilty about not liking her children, though, she wouldn't post it on a blog for the world to see. And yes, if she thought love is all a damaged child needs, she was "stupid" (her word, not mine). People should go into adoption with their eyes wide open, not with a bunch of romantic notions about luuuurve conquering all.

That said, it's beyond uncool of her to "poison the well" by saying nobody should adopt any of the older kids in foster care. Way to cheat some innocent kids out of ever having a family, Lady.

Pip

I'm not going to judge this mother on the simple grounds that aparents are ill prepared for adoption/older child adoption. She was having a rant and all parents do that whether they're adoptive ones or not.

Roland'sMommy

I only see where this shows that one particular person shouldn't be allowed to adopt, but there's nothing here that even remotely suggests adoption is wrong.
You're obviously bored and are looking to find some small shred of crap to defend some lousy position you have. Next time try finding something relevant

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