For those who're fed up with all the whinging adoptees?

ladedamom

This person is obviously a miserable person inside anyway. They assume that because they were miserable that everyone else who is adopted or has adopted will be miserable. I don't believe it for a second and refuse to stereotype my child who is GENUINELY happy and well adjusted to someone else's bitterness and misery. It is because of things like this that people unfamiliar with adoption assume that adoptees and their families are head cases when we are not. This kind of misery rant doesn't deserve the attention that it is being given. I am thankful every single day for my little boy and the joy that he brings not to just our family but to others he meets. Everyone's adoption story is different and unique in it's own way. I refuse to measure my son's life or our family story up to someone who only proclaims misery in a search for misery company.

Maureen S

What very sad people. I know for a fact that my children have always been and are now, very happy adults. They now have their own children and one can tell, by the way they give these children unconditional love, that they were brought up amongst siblings and parents who adored them and loved them unconditionally.

Occasionally they are - amongst those families that I know, they ALL are. It must be your personal environment that is making you feel like you do.

Very sad.

made you look is mommy to three

Adoption a gift. If they were not with there adopotive parents they would be in a foster home and possibly the streets at 18.

Proud Nuna

What's a whinging?

Believe Me!!

like the answerer above me said i can also relate to it
you honestly sound ignorant because you don't know what others have been through i think its good for people that were adopted to tell how they feel about their life and am not tired of people telling their story

R.M.G!

I "looked at the link", so WHAT!
Every person is responsible for their own "happiness".
Somewhere along the line, someone has convinced a bunch of "adoptees" that they should not be happy with their lives.
At the risk of sounding "insensitive", "life is what you make it"! WE are ALL here, how we got here, is not OUR fault, WE did not get a VOTE. WE simply are here. Whether you are raised by a "biological" Family, or by an "adopted" Family, hopefully, you are loved. NETHER situation guarantees you "love". So "get over yourselves", you have the Right to be as "miserable", OR as "happy" as you CHOOSE to be!

I'm almost willing to bet that "the unhappy" ones, even IF they were "kept" by their "biologicals", would be inclined to "find something" to complain about. Some PEOPLE just aren't "happy" unless they are complaining about SOMETHING!!! It's "what they DO"!
SOME people will whine about ANYTHING, just to get attention. It does not make them "right, or wrong", JUST annoying!!!!
If a person focuses on a "negative", that is their choice. They will "be" however they CHOOSE to "be".

Additional: Just because they were put up for adoption, does NOT necessarily mean that THEY were "not wanted". It MAY mean that "someone" had a tough choice to make, and chose to give their child a "chance" at (possibly) a better life than they felt that thet could provide theirself. I am reasonably certain that "giving up a child" is not an easy thing to do. However, I'm also aware that SOME Women are selfish, and don't want to be Mothers. My Mom was one of those. But I'm NOT an adoptee, I was fortunate enough that my DAD chose to "step-up". HE was raised by his Mom, without his Father around. He adapted to "his life situation", I adapted to "mine". Life is rarely "perfect", who said it "should be"? It simply amounts to the "hand we are dealt".
If necessary, whine all you want. The "choice" could have been "abortion". THEN there would have been no "chance" to whine! Check your attitude, it may simply need an "adjustment".

Chimera's Song

Nothing wrong with "whinging" so long as the whinger directs it towards those that are responsible for it, not those that did their best to pick up the pieces afterwards.

Honest & Sober

Here is an interesting thesis written by an adoptee

Adoptees in Reunion:
The Psychological Integration of Adoption,
Motivations for Reunion, and the Reunion Relationship

http://www.nla.gov.au/openpublish/index.php/aja/article/view/1447/1776

Even if you only read the Susan's personal statement its an interesting read.

Some of her references are quite good like

"Reconstruction of adoption issues: delineation of five phases among adult adoptees."

"Adoption and loss, the hidden grief."

"Being adopted: The lifelong search for self"

"The practice of adoption: History, trends, and social context."

Another good read but not in her references is

"A study of threats against the dream self in dreams of adult adopted women as manifestations of psychic loss"

you try hard, you fail harder

Shut up. No specialists, no parents, not friends or family can ever know what it feels to be adopted.

Adoption starts with a great loss. Yes you lose your mother. The woman that had carried you for 9 months. Well yes adoption could have been great if you did not have to go against nature... Cause nature wants you to be with your mother and father, the two people that you look alike and not some random strangers that are so happy you suffered so that eventually you would live a good life with them.

Well you know what? I am fed up with all you non - adoptees talking about stuff you do not know. Like how bitter we are or how disrespectful we are towards our adoptive parents that saved us. When you break something and then you collect all the pieces, one by one and put it in a golden box it all cures? No. It fckning doesn't.

So keep the **** for yourself and get lost.

kateiskate is getting married

All I can say is that I totally and COMPLETELY relate to this article. And for the life of me, I can't imagine why an adoptive parent would think they really know how their adoptive CHILD feels about it unless they are gifted with some kind of psychic connection.

Not everyone experiences denial. But a lot of us do. And usually the people who scream loudest that they are not in denial, are the very folks who are. I know that to be true, because I was there not too long ago.

kitta

Well, I am not adopted so I cannot speak as an adopted person.

I was a professional who worked with children, some of whom were adopted. The children did express a great deal of pain stemming from losses and adjustments in adoption. They cried, they acted out, they were angry, and they even talked of suicide.They felt abandoned and rejected, not only by natural parents but by adoptive relatives because they felt they were not fully accepted in their adoptive families.

These were children who were adopted in infancy.

Your question is valid and has merit. Adoption has a long history of difficulty for many people, even if some people seem to adjust to it.

Carnie C

I find it difficult to read information from Adoption Crosswords due to their absolute bias against adoption and AP's. I do think they help to instill a sense of worthlessness and enabling instead of telling people to be responsible for their lives and happiness.

I am a happy, well-adjusted adult who happens to be an adoptee. I am not living in a fog, not in denial and really dislike it when other adoptees insist on telling me that i am. I am an adult, capable of thinking on my own. I believe that some people need to have these issues to keep the drama rolling.....this woman felt the way she did bec ause she allowed herself to feel that way. Instead of embracing joy and happiness, she chose to feel this way.

Get up, take some responsibility for your own happiness - life is only what you make it.

Damien, Poppie & Alexis' mum

im grateful i was adopted! my parents are brilliant couldnt have gotten better ones!

Tonia

I think everyone should be grateful for the good things in their lives. If your parents are horrible, well, don't be grateful for them in your lives.

A big issue with this "happy" adoptee thing is that adoptees who are unhappy that they are adopted (granted most may wish that they could have stayed with their natural families) seem to think that they are like others who have had a huge loss in their lives.

If someone looses a family member to a car accident, that person doesn't harass drivers for their own opinions. If someone watches a dear relative slowly die of cancer, that person doesn't go around arguing with healthy people just becasue they have an opinion about the subject.

Stop the Hate Love instead

This women expressed herself and that is fine but her feelings are not how every single adopted person feels about being adopted. I think it is quite ignorant for anyone to act as if they speak for anyone else but themselves. Not to say some adoptees may feel the same way this lady does even some may be repressing those feelings like the lady that wrote that but not everyone would fall into that bracket either.

Lish

to all the adoptive parents, and adoptees who dont experience pain, and people who arent adopted, its different for everyone, i for one related to this article ive read it before. so i resent the fact that there are people on here saying is pathetic and they are miserable people, particularly the adoptive parents, just because ur child appears well adjusted etc now, doesnt mean complicated feelings and emotions will not surface in the teenage years, when it did with me, i didnt know what to do with it all and i was messed up for a long time! my adoptive parents didnt even think that adoption would effect me and my sister, so they wernt prepared for it. the more u respect the possibility that ur child will experience emotions u dont understand, the more chance u have of helping him through it if or when it does happen.people cope with things in different ways. im adopted, and it had an effect on me and i related to this.
what DOES annoy me about some adoptees on here, is the worship and respect birth mothers get (yes i said it) and adoptive parents get criticised all the time. sometimes, yes, with good reason. but many of them are good people. i know some mothers were coerced and bullied nto giving away their babies, but ultimately, it was her decision, whether or not that happened. if i couldnt have a child, i would adopt. in fact, even if i could have my own children, i would adopt or at least long term foster. sorry im off point. as i said, everyone is different and its wrong of people for criticising any1s experience or opinion of adoption, whether positive or negative.

Jennifer L

So... I don't have a problem when someone expresses their own problems or issues with being adopted. I draw the line when it's expressed or implied that *all* adoptees must feel the way this person does because if they don't, they must be in denial or in a fog.

I support everyone's right to decide how they feel about any given situation or life experience (including adoption) without someone else telling them their feelings are wrong and invalid.

It includes the people that expect adoptees to always be happy and grateful as well as the people that expect adoptees to have identity issues and repressed feelings of rage.

I am glad to read stories like this so I can be better prepared to help my (adopted) children when (or if) these issues arise in their lives. Just don't presume to tell my children what they are supposed to be feeling or to tell me what my children (whom you've never met) are feeling.

ETA: Maybe the adult adoptees that are so "defensive" are getting tired being told how they are *really* feeling by anonymous strangers on the internet?

It never ceases to amaze me how a group of people who are so vocal about their right to express *their* truth can be so trivializing and minimizing when someone else's expresses a different *truth*.

I really have to wonder which group is acting out "defensively" to cover their own lack of convictions.

SLY

I always find it interesting how defensive the adopted adults that have responded to this question are. They are so quick to deny that it applies to them, and assume that Julie, the author is a sad and angry person. I didn't see anywhere in either Julie's piece or your question that said ANYTHING about "all adoptees" or said that this didn't apply to them. If it doesn't apply, then why bother to answer?

I also find it interesting that Maureen S is so very quick to speak on behalf of her adopted adult children. I am sure that, if I were one of her adopted adults and I thought I wanted to find out some information about my natural family, she would be the first person I would run to! She could spend the rest of the day telling me why that wasn't what I REALLY wanted to do, and how darn happy I really was! I would be much more impressed if one of her adopted adults came on and posted that sort of thing themselves.

Randy B

No thank you. These may be someone else's experiences but they are not mine and they hold no relevance to my own adoption and upbringing.

â™ª Rachel - Applehead â™«

I think it is certainly a valid thing for her to say. I am very much like that. I am a supersensitive person. There is actually called The Highly Sensitive child. I am definately extremely sensitive and I put it down to experiencing trauma as a baby. You should read on it because I think a lot of adoptees who have experienced challenges because of their adoption may find they are hypersensitive people.

But that's my own little theory. I may be wrong. Everyone experiences it differently. I can say I have smiled genuinely but to be honest it's been a long time since I last felt truely warm inside and smiled brightly. It's usually an effort. That's not my fault, or because I'm bitter. That's just what I experience. Some people may be totally happy and content with their lives. That's also just as fine and acceptable.

Pip

Why did I have to start with reading answers before answering myself as this one is enough is enough to make me go into a major vent.

" Adoption a gift. If they were not with there adopotive parents they would be in a foster home and possibly the streets at 18."

This is the biggest load of crap written as it's simply not true. Adoption isn't a gift it's an industry. My son would have been parented by me and not been in foster care and possibly on the streets at 18. I was bullied and lied into surrendering so yes he still would have had a good upbringing.

Back to the point the link describes my son very well as he had a good upbringing, nice clothes, good schooling, expensive holidays, anything he wanted he got and money was chucked at him. Did it make him happy? No it didn't and he does suffer in the way that is describes.

I couldn't have spent so much on my son had I raised him but he still would have had everything he needed in the material sense and would have the 'extras' such as holidays. I deeply regret not finding someone who would give me the emotional support to stand up to my parents and to parent my son. It breaks my heart knowing the damage done because of adoption.

AdoreHim

It saddens me to no end to hear stories like this. I am very sorry if this person and others, like yourself, did not have the good adoption experience that you were hoping for. I am both adopted and have 2 adopted children. I am NOT living in denial, I AM grateful for my adopted parents. I have no abandonment issues, and never have. Why do we have to ALL feel this way. My children are grateful to be adopted as well. I am sorry for the miserable lives that some adoptees seem to have, but please do not say that we are living in denial if we are ok with our lives. There is nothing wrong with standing up and saying that I AM GRATEFUL!!!!!!

å°é»ƒ

I understand what you are getting at - but the link is very generalizing and can offend people.

hpfreak080

OK, so I understand that you are trying to make a point and that you, and others, can relate to what was said in that article. You ARE aware, however, that there are people in the world who do not relate to the article without them being "in denial" of how they are feeling, right?

I understand there is "scientific evidence" of trauma, but how we, as individuals, process and internalize that trauma is different depending on our environment and personalities (aka nature & nurture). I don't see people who post differing experiences from me as "whining" (I'm assuming you meant 'whining' and not 'whinging') because that is their experiences. What *I* don't like too much is when people try and tell me how I (and some others) *should* be feeling because I don't tell other people what/how to feel.

I, however, am grateful for what my parents have done for me. I'm not grateful to them because I am adopted (that has no relevance). I am grateful because they love me enough to do things for me.

I know my view is unpopular, but I just can't help but give *my* side to this too. Bottom line: currently, I can't relate to this story and I don't know if it is because I'm denying something (and it doesn't matter).

racheypoo

I have read this piece before.

I grant that this woman may have these feelings. I'm sorry that she feels she lived in denial as well. It must be difficult for her to feel that she was denying her authentic feelings. I'm not being sarcastic, by the way. I really mean that. I also feel empathy for her feelings as an adoptee.

However, I do not share her feelings (for the most part). I have had to confront many adoption-related issues in my own life, from reuniting with my first mother and biological brother, to adopting a child myself, after being a foster parent and working with first parents to support them in parenting their own children. Surely if I was "drinking the kool-aid", I might have sputtered by now.

My feelings are as valid as someone who feels that their adoption was deeply damaging. Both have the right to say so out loud.

To that end, SLY, for someone so incredibly vocal and frank about your own opinions and feelings, it's a shame that you would deny anyone theirs, even if they don't support your position. I can certainly understand how you feel about AP's answering this one...I totally agree that they should not be speaking for their children. But adoptees should be encouraged to share their feelings, even if they are not in alignment wth your belief system. I respectfully ask that you allow adoptees to speak for themselves without being shamed into silence.

Andraya - Snark's Sister

Once again it is stunning to see how many NON adoptees want to pipe up and spew their crap.

Unless YOU are adopted you have no clue. Raising an adoptee, knowing an adoptee, watching a movie on adoption or reading a book will NEVER let you know how it actually feels to be adopted. Period.

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