Foster/Adoptive parents...How would you take this comment?

Walter Ford II

Too bad she didn't have the opportunity to talk to my "nonbirth" adoptive american parents.

Your idiot friend is setting her ignorant self up for a hard fall. GOOD, wish I could watch it.

Avodah

I can see why you would be offended, I would at least be put-off by a comment like that. On the other hand, that may be how they feel. There are some people who just cant handle serious health/emotional issues with children, I couldnt. I simply have no patience. Not everyone is cut out to take care of a high-maintanence baby like a drug-addicted baby or one with serious problems. It's better for a person to say they cant do it, than to try and later give back a child that already has been damaged and is now losing (yet another) home. I consider myself pretty flexible when it comes to kids, but some of the problems are HUGE, and it just depends on the individual parent.

Dont judge them too harshly. I think they probably felt that maybe they should start with the basics before tackling something harder. I would let them be and accept that YOU are a stronger person than they are, or have more money, or more support or personal resources. And as the parents with children with disabilities will tell you; about people like that lady, 'not having a child (like mine) it's their loss.'

I would take her comment as simple ignorance. What you do as a parent and how you raise your child will determine their future, not the actions of the mother who put their child up for adoption. You most definitely seem better rounded as a parent, I know this simply because of your reaction to a comment like this. I wish you and your family the best of luck and and am happy they are in the care of two sensitive and understanding adults, rather then some one who is impulsive and callow as the person who made that comment. Teach your kids to be understanding and not to make generalizations. Good luck and may your family receive much happiness. I know, from just your simple question, that you will be a great parent and that your children will benefit from your wisdom and life guidance =)

is this a question or a rant?

get over it. you know that the world thinks foster kids are screwed up and many are.
obviously this woman made a different decision but she is truly reflecting what most people think about kids in care anyway. damaged, problems, dangerous, screwed-up, yadda, yadda, yadda.

and i bet the foster care classes actually made her decision easier, because they tend to dwell on the "negative" of the kids as well. "be prepared for....."

don't fool yourself lady....she is reflecting what MOST people think; sad but true.

=========
ETA:
OP --hahahahahahaha. comon. try better than that. a question would be "FP or AP -- Has anyone ever said that your kids were screwed up or not normal?...." not the long-winded story that you supplied. this has alterior motives.

Deino

well, first of all, how does her defines 'normal'? tell me which kid doesnt run into trouble? kids r kids, u cant keep them out of troubles and, growing up as a teenagers, who hasnt been in troubles? That's why parents are here to lead them. Yes, sometimes there's bad problem but you cant blame on where they come from, they simply dont have a choice. As adult, whether they r ur kid or not, shouldnt u be doing ur best to help/save them and correct them as much as you could? not to mention that she is a teacher. just remember the world is going to rule by them when we get old.

Pip

I know you're after foster/adoptive parents responses but felt compelled to answer as I had a jaw dropping moment. Doesn't this person realize that just because she adopted a baby doesn't mean she wont have have problems?

Just going on what my son's adoptive parents have told me they were having to deal with behavioural problems with him by the time he was two years old. This got worse over the years and he is now 28 years old and they are still refusing to agree to him living with them unless he changes his way. He went to Canada to study in 2004 as they were at their wits end and they thought by sending him well away would help him. Unfortunately it didn't as they still chose to pay for everything including giving him a healthy allowance so he still behaves as if everybody owes him for what he sees as a terrible life.

Also this woman and her partner don't know if this child will grow up with a serious illness or suffer a terminal one or suffer with a major form of depression.

Fostering is something my husband and I are seriously looking into as we have educated ourselves and have been involved with families who do have children in care and know people how were in foster care. It's something we do know we can do has we have the time and patience for it.

Bye

Look ur tripn. Not every person is made to be a parent. Not every person is made to be parents to children with issues. Look at it like this..u already know most issuse ur children have and what issuses may come. In her case her beautiful little baby may develop issuses that can turn out to be worst then your children and she will never know what to look out for. Dont take it personally. She just dont know as much as she think she does. That;s how people are. It's great that you love your children no matter what their issuses are. Keep it up, you'll see the benefits of your great love and hard work in your children's bright future. Your love for them can change the affects of anything that happen to them before they found you. Their future is in your heart.

LinnyG

It just shows the ignorance of people. Especially if they don't think a "normal" adoptee will not have issues. Suggest her as a friend for me on facebook. Ill set her straight. Bwahahahahaha!!!

Mama Bear

Well, she knew you had adopted from foster care and then turned around and said what she did. It pretty much implies that there is something wrong with your kids based on their origin but i don't think she intended the insult. I mean she said "no offense" right... Yeah, i think she was just being careless and not taking your feelings into consideration. I'm not a foster or adoptive parent but if someone implied that there was something wrong with my son, of course i would get all mama bear crazy on them. I'd probably write some ugly hate email and then delete before i sent it. You should probably just let it drop. Based on what i have read from your yahoo answers, she doesn't sound like the type of person you would want to associate with anyway.

Kari N

Her response is very telling of her ignorance. But really, would you want a person who isn't sensitive to that type of thing responsible for a child with special needs? That wouldn't be helping anyone. I would suggest writing something equally snarky back, whether she realizes it or not, she offended you.

aloha.girl59

So basically it was easier for that woman to buy a baby than to complete the requirements for foster care.

PFFT is right.

I think you're totally justified, but then I'm biased. I, too, adopted from foster care. My son is perfect to me. He has ADHD and asthma, so yeah, I guess someone could say he has "issues." But he could have had ADHD and asthma if I was his bio mother as well! He could also have had Down Syndrome, Fragile X, behavioral disorders, learning disabilities, and a club foot. Give me a freakin' break! The woman who adopted privately doesn't have a clue. For the child's sake, I hope the baby doesn't have "issues," but it sure would teach that ***** a lesson, wouldn't it?

Yes, you're justified. But take my opinion with a grain of salt because it's coming from another foster care AP who happens to think her kid is perfect as well. ;)

trknbubbaswoman

This touches me two fold. First, I was adopted privately in 64 from Germany. Don't know how much prenatal care by birth mother had, and I can't say they knew . They fell in love with me for the baby I was and that they WANTED ME. I was and still am perfect to my mom and dad! I almost died at 2 from a kidney disease. I've had problems with that all through my childhood as well as various other problems, from "normal" childhood situations, to the unexpected. You could have a bio child and know everything about the backgrounds and still have a child with issues. As far as this part of the above goes, kids don't pick their parents. Maybe the parents won't be "normal" for parents....what is NORMAL and who decides. I am currently working with DCF and foster care. Not all babies are born addicted. More of the kids in the system want to be adopted and have that chance at a family life. Not all foster homes are great, and god have mercy on the souls of those who foster and abuse! God have mercy on all souls who abuse. People who foster and are true foster parents do what they do for the kids, not to have social recognition. People foster hoping to make a difference. If things work out and you are able to adopt, it is a very special day...just like a private adoption. You do this for LOVE, right. My parents did, and I have the job I have just hoping that something I do will make a difference. Sorry if you think I'm on a soap box, maybe I am, but saying kids in the system are damaged....think about it...the writers friend is why kids are damaged..they hear this crap from everyone. They are labeled...wouldn't you feel damaged if someone kept labeling you.

cricketlady

Your reasoning is quite sound and I understand your feelings Entirely. Some people see Our Kids
as inferior and not normal and when faced with questions and comments over the years my best Ally was my daughter and my faith in God. Also just knowing that I KNEW what I was working with was all the confidence I needed. My daughter was a free thinker, still is, and in no uncertain terms would answer their comment or question in a way or manner that elicited No More comments from that person----always left me with a red face.
As a long time foster parent and still active in the field I admire you for your caring and working with these special kids.
And aof course all the babies ARE Not drug addicted and neither do all the teens have problems either. Some do but in a regular family Some kids have problems.

Wellspring

Well isn't she special to have the adoption industry at her disposal to pick and choose "what" she wanted. Now she can play mommy and pretend she's the one who's normal when the child fails to live up to her standards.
With her attitude, she had no business adopting, least of all, be around children.

britt22

SHE should not be an adoptive mother. she probably has no clue what a child feels or needs and i hope she nerv adopts an older child from foster care because that child will proabbly live in total hell.all the time i ahve been on this site i have said "o my adoption was good and i love my parents"HA HA wake up call i think my a mom is like this woman, absolutley nooo clue how to handle a child with a little more problems than usual. as of right now my a mom is the most horrible person in my life right now she is awful. a woman who wont believ her own child when they say they have been molested is not a good mother and then to say i dont love you anymore and your nothiung to this family makes her a horrible person. i feel this woman would probably be much the same as my lame excuse for a mother. and i am glad you can understand an handle your children.

Serenity71

Don't take personally. Thats what I would do, and try not to allow it be a relection of your life or attitude towards raising your children. She thinks she's been handed some kind of guarentee, but like any parent she'll have her share of things to deal with along the way. She might have some rude awakenings in years to come, but then she might not too. Just like you and your kids. No person is perfect, I love my kids, but I know that that they're human and love them because they just are themselves warts and all, no matter whats in their backgrounds. Find me a family without skeletons in the closets and I'll smile and say..."They just have a few well kept secrets! And they'll come out one dat when they least expect it."

I'd reply to her... " I'm so lucky to be the mother of my kids and lucky we hung in there in the fostering pool, and guess what, we got beautiful kids and they are so normal, guess you can't judge a book by its cover. All kids needed to loved, and I just know you'll love your child as unconditionally as I love mine... All the best!" ;)

Raven

Since she works with them all day I'd be a little less offended, but still not happy about it.

L.A.

id be pissed and be like any kid of urs has problems lol

kidmindi

I would be offended and I would just let the friendship go. It isn't like it was a close one or anything since you had not spoken in along time.

I wonder what she would go if God forrbid her "perfect" child was in a car wreck and ended up with brain damage and was suddenly special needs? Or suppose her "perfect" child grows up and becomes a typical child which can be far from perfect. Suppose her "perfect" child has issues with being adopted and needs therapry to deal with his/her issues.

I think the most offensive comment I have had reguarding my adopted daughter was when I told a distant family member about her. She heard the words "adopted" and "special needs" and "seizures" and said "Oh she was a drug baby"

No she was not a drug baby, she happens to have seizures and developmental delays. We don't know why. It happens sometimes.

SJM

I promise you, she'll have problems.

: )

emma

I understand what its like to be told your children are not worthy. My children lived for years in the state system after horrific abuse and many people told me not to adopot them becase they were not "perfect." In addition, people in this section claim that they should not be given a home because they were not born in the US. I did live in country while I adopted and am fluent in the language, but am still told on a regular basis that these children should never be moved from their home country. I understand that those people do not see the world as I do. I simply ignore them when they imply my children are "second best."

You cannot control what others think about your adoption choice. You know that you made the right choice and that your children are perfect for you. Rejoice in that knowledge and be at peace with the choice you made knowing it was the right choice for you. I would not, however, include her in your circle of friends.

Thomas O'Malley

I would be a little upset that she said it, but I've learned not to take it personally.

One of my teenage girls reported a theft by another girl at school, thinking she was doing the right thing. I found out about it when she called me at work from school hysterical because she had been basically interrogated by the Vice Principal and two police officers for over three hours, without my knowledge.
When I got there and started to read the VP the riot act he had the nerve to say, "What was I supposed to think, she is in foster care." Like that made her a liar and thief. I didn't stand there and fight with him, but after the school board and DHS were done, I'm sure he rethought his views a bit.

Some people just don't get it.

Rosie

Stand down, Mama Bear.

I dunno, I wouldn't take her comment personally. I imagine, your asking her why put her on the defensive.

Since she teaches special needs children, she might not be up to dealing with that at home too. I would take her comment to be her opinion of what the truth is about foster children, and it is more about fears that she had than the realities.

I have observed some newborn adoptions where the mom was partying in college fairly hard and drank during the pregnancy. At least two babies that I worked with, from wealthy families who adopted showed signs of fetal alcohol damage. What she doesn't understand is that you don't always get a typical child in domestic adoptions, you can get drug, alcohol or cigarette smoking exposed newborns.

I am concerned about you calling your children perfect and getting defensive. All children do stuff that would be deemed imperfect. You just wait. hee hee. Wait till they butter the dog.

You have a long path ahead of you and you'll need to champion and advocate for your children for years to come. You gotta kinda grow a thick skin and pace yourself. You will have to field a lot of comments like this, or worse.

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