How Long do Babies Cry for their Mother?

monique

why would you wanna do that to a baby when theyre probably hungry or need changing or just wanna be held

mum 2 Cameron and Ewan

Baby although I sure they would prefer the smell and sound of there own mother. Thrive on feeling and as long as the adoptive mum and dad are holding the baby close and talking to it and sending it happy feelings. The baby's are fine. Its only if they were older like 8months+ that they would really scream for there mothers. Who knows how long that would take to get over depends on the child and there age I would guess some are much more adaptable than others.

Joseph the Second

THAT depends on the Baby- & how long the Mother can Stand it ! :)

cricketlady

I have never heard of that happening. I have witnessed some kids in foster care crying for their mom ---a small minority of them. The majority of children do NOT cry for the absent mother as she was usually not home at bedtime--again I'm talking about the child in foster care. I had one to cry to stay with me and NOT go home to her mom.
I doubt babies cry when they are in adoptive care as their new mommy is quite attentive to their every cry or whine.

Ferbs

This question is so painful to read. Anyone who has adopted would hate to hear or know that their child cried helplessly into the night aching to feel the touch of their mother. So I took time to answer...then got back to real life. And real life can include other images than that stated above.

So...thinking and reading from those who were there when our son was born...here's what I know:

1) His foster parents have said and written that from day one...and they had him from day one out of the hospital, he was an easy baby. Some kids are like that. Doesn't mean he gave up on mom reappearing. Thankfully, she had visitation...once a week. His bonding did not occur with her.

2) His bio mom said and also wrote that he came to us and approached us as though "he knew we would love him as much as she does". Well, in a perfect world, she would have worked to keep him but chose not to.

3) We brought him home at 10 months. Research shows that babies need the opportunity to attach and once they have, can transfer that attachment. I credit an amazing foster home for providing him with this life skill.

I am wondering why people think that babies that are going to be adopted would want A MOTHER any less. Is the "real" answer to the above question that we should never have adopted our son even if we knew he suffered "trauma"? He needed parents...a home...security and trust and people to rely on. No regrets.

No doubt there is pain involved in the lives of many posters here...but although it's the OP's right to post a fair question to the forum...I find it cruel. It implies that adoptive parents don't care about the pain their children might have felt. It's our job to try and lessen that pain. Yet, if we don't dwell on it....we are "sugar-coating" it.

So real life means how it is for us...and not necessarily for others, though I'm sure TD's are coming anyway as was already posted earlier. Heaven forbid anyone shares their personal experience, especially a positive adoption experience.

ETA @Botz: Hey there...I guess it's more of a reaction to the image I have of a baby crying...alone...and never comforted. It made me feel helpless...

And then that if they do bond or find some sort of peace...it must be a false appearance of being a good baby? All that together tied me up in knots. And I know it wasn't meant to attack personally, but I do consider myself my son's 'mommy' so I hate the idea that he would suffer like this.

The question wasn't directed at anyone and excluded no one....although it certainly referenced the pain an adopted child/adult might feel. I guess to my mind, there doesn't seem to be a right answer.

I appreciate what you said and...I think you did a good job explaining the kind of loss you felt (especially with the song reference). I guess I will never fully get what it must be like to feel disconnected like that. I appreciate the comments.

No need to "feel" for me though...we took on the journey...we will follow through. And we have no lack of confidence that he is where he should be. I know that's not popular...but it's still true.

@IsabelleA: Didn't intend on minimizing your reality. What do I know about your situation right? As I said...I meant real life for our family. If you read my past postings...you will see that we have tremendous respect for our son's bio mom. We all work very hard to meet and involve each other. So, in that sense...we agree.

care-ree =)

The babies will always be crying for the knowledge that they never really had a chance with their biological mother and not the fact that they are actually crying for their mother to be beside them. Depending on the age of the baby at adoption, the baby will cry for however long it takes to adjust. The truth is the baby has only been inside the mother and not with the mother. Once the baby is born, the mother doesn't always get the chance to hold the baby and the baby is not always by the mother's side at the hospital. With the flow of babies in and out of the nursery, each baby is not constantly held. Instead they are inside their little crib sleeping. So the younger the baby is, the less it actually knows about his/her mother. Therefore they will cry less for mommy to rescue them.

subterranean_homesick_tiff

A mother is someone who cares for you. Anyone can get pregnant and deliver a baby. Why would an innocent child who doesn't know expectations or how to pretend, act happy and pleased when really they were distraught over the person who birthed them?

Mel

In a perfect world every child would be wanted and cared for by it's biological parents and every woman would be able to bear her own children. Life ain't perfect. The "mother" of my nephew stated "I wanted to get rid of it but it was too late" and got drunk when she was pregnant "because it was my birthday". I applaud her decision to place him for adoption, she was only 15 with no support. His adoptive parents were the ones that took shifts at the hospital to stay with him while he was in NICU so he would never be alone. His birth mother brought friends to see how cute he was was he was home. Babies bond with people who love them (not paid help like midwives) whether their related by blood or not.

sizesmith

Our situation was quite unique, in the fact that our son's first mom (and dad) wanted to stay with us in the last few months of her pregnancy, to make sure that their decision to place with us was what they thought best.

Our son (meaning all 4 of us) heard my voice in a positive way every day, as I spoke to him, and his first mom and I talked about lots of things every day. He not only knew her voice, but also knew ours, the sounds of the house and everything around him.

When he was 10 days old, she visited, and he screamed until he was in my arms. It's also weird though, since he's shy with strangers, he bonded immediately with his bio siblings who have visited, and with his paternal grandmother, who visits a couple times a year.

Even when his first parents needed some help, and stayed with us again, he never tried to go to her, even though I encouraged him, and she never offered to pick him up and hold him. Sometimes, the bond isn't there.

kattykay

My adoptive mother told me I was a great baby, calm and quiet. But every picture I see of me as a newborn, I am in full screaming mode. Especially when she's holding me. The other times, I'm asleep. I read in a book that the baby screams and goes rigid until it gives up and becomes complacent, despondent. I guess that's what you'd call the "good" baby. The trauma is so severe. It's worse than any war crime

Ranchmom1

I suppose it depends on whether or not you buy the theory that there is a "primal wound". I was a very content baby. Does this mean I didn't have a primal wound? Our now 17-year-old daughter spent 2 1/2 weeks in NICU (premature birth) and she didn't cry when we weren't there. She's very attached to us now, but that's because we took care of her day in and day out and that's how any parent-child attachment grows, whether or not you are an adoptee.

BOTZ

37 years and counting...

At least now, in reunion, I can CALL her when I need to cry "for" her.

I find it odd that Ferbs would find this question cruel -- and bearing ANY implication whatsoever about adoptive parents. A-parents (let alone their thoughts/feelings) do not appear anywhere in the question.

How much one's adoptive parents care (or, like mine, don't care) has nothing to do with missing our first/natural mothers.

I am 37 and I started flinching from my a-mother's touch around...well, I really don't remember. I know I started saying "don't touch me" to her before I started school (kindergarten) so it seems like it has been as long as I can remember.

Were there times I felt that she cared? Yes. Even so, her touch, her voice, her presence never comforted me... NOTHING about her ever comforted me... except music... and food. Even when she was trying to be gentle (rather than abusive) or kind (rather that cruel) there was no feeling of 'home' or 'peace' that I could find from/with her. None.

(Pssst... guess what? My natural mom is an exact, physical OPPOSITE of my a-mother... and she's a musician... and she's a chef.)

Guess who I could cuddle up to endlessly, talk to endlessly and take endless comfort in as a child? The dog. I'm totally serious. She was warm, round, had big, gentle, compassionate eyes, she would listen to me, lick and nuzzle me and let me lay on her (like a pillow) when I was small and lay her head in my lap when I got bigger... I'm getting teary-eyed even typing about her and she has been dead more than 25 years. I still miss her so much.

(Guess what? My mom is warm, round, has big, gentle, compassionate eyes and, while she won't lick me (LOL), she'll cuddle me all I need whenever she can even though I'm a thirty-something... I'll always be her "baby girl".)

It's not that our a-parents don't care (well, some of us... mine actually don't), it's that, as much as they care and as much as they try, they simply won't "do". I don't mean that to sound mean... there are some things that there is only one comfort for.

You know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head (or part of one) and you can't be satisfied/distracted until you hear the whole, real song? You know how sometimes you get a craving for a food, or a favorite piece of clothing and you can't be happy/comfortable until you eat it or wear it?

There are a lot of fabulous, heart-warming, beautiful songs in the world. There are many, many amazing foods that are delicious, satisfying... fantastic. There are lots of clothes that we love, we look good in, feel good in... that we feel help to 'complete' our wardrobe.

Take all of that and then take it to the most personal, the deepest, the most hidden, intimate, CORE of a person... that's what it's like... almost.

There really is no description I can come up with. There really are no words to make it clear.

Sometimes there is only ONE that will do.

Sometimes, no matter how perfect you are, you are not HER.

Ferbs, as much as I appreciate your efforts and as much as I believe you are genuinely trying to learn as well as share here, as much as I know you are given a hard time by a lot of people, and as much as I commend you for being steadfast in your love for your son... in this case, it just wasn't personal. I think you read things in this question that were/are not there. I hope you can read it again and really analyze what I'm saying. There were no implications... there was no "hidden" message. It's not about you (or any AP or what you/they do or don't do). This one was about us... about me (as an adoptee, not 'me' the actual person). This was about how long it hurts US... how long we miss HER... how it feels.

No matter what you do, you are not her. No matter the reasons, you can't change that SHE is (also) his mother and he is not with her. I feel for you in that. As strange as it may sound (because they abused me), I feel for MY a-parents in that, too. It would have been MUCH easier for all of us if I had been born to them. The fact is, I wasn't. The fact is, I miss my mom... the one I was born to. Even in reunion, I will (I'm guessing) always miss the life I didn't have with her AS my mom... she was always my mom but I missed out on decades of knowing that. That hurts me. I'm sad about that (in some ways more now that we're reunited).

Remember though, nobody else is you, either. Trust yourself as his mom and trust his love for you as your son.

I would guess you are, but I would encourage you to tell him (as often as you tell us) what a great kid you have.

Take care~

dontknow86

The mothers or the babies never stop. Very sad!

myst1998

Some are so traumatised by her absence they go quiet, barely whimpering to let their needs be known... and some fade away altogether from missing her so much. It is a bigger tragedy than people want to believe. This occurs with premie babies as well...

Big Daddy R

We got our son at two days old and honestly he never cried more than usual. However he was more attached/bonded to my wife than me. Our daughter could be calmed by either or not him only her. Even now at one he looks for calls for her and is so much more calm with her. He was a premi and needed lots of skin to skin (kangaroo care as the nurse told us it is called in the hospital) and holding and since my wife is a stay at home mom and did that more than me in the first few months he became more attached. Once he no longer needed that type of care he still was more soothed by her than anyone.
ETA
Our daughter in her short three years life has only been with us. We both have only been away from her one night. Seperatly each about two nights. She has normal stanger issues but is and has been comfortable with all the regulars in our life her grandparents and our good friend/ her god mother. As a baby she was with her grand mother two nights a weeek for a few hours while i got off of work and my wife went to school. I picked her up and brought her home she was never with grandma for more than two hours but she was happy laughing did not cry or give her trouble

7rin

The answer to your first question's going to be specific to the individual in question. The answer to your second question's a "yes to those who don't understand how these things work", sadly. :(

Isabel A

Apparently, I didn't scream that long. My foster parents gave me drugs when I cried. She sent them along with my amom when they came to get me. I have the information on them in a note she also sent. "Give them to her when she cries."

BSE babies were frequently drugged.

Ain't adoption great?

ETA: This isn't real life? Really. It feels pretty real to me. I *was* drugged as an infant and I have proof of it in writing. I have an absolutely fabulous life. That does not negate the reality of who I am and how my life started.
Real life? Seems real to me. Not living on Mars.

As far as my reality, I learned when I met my mother that she was guaranteed I would not spend time in foster care. My mother had relatives who had been abused in foster care and refused to sign the papers until she was given assurance I would not go.

I was sent to foster care within 20 minutes of her signing the papers where I was drugged for at least two months.

That is my reality.

And lastly, it is so sad that some adoptive parents have such contempt for the mothers of their children. if one can not muster respect for where their child came from, how can they ever have respect for their child.

drkangel210e

My birth mother (first mother, natural mother... whatever title won't offend) told my adoptive mother that I was screaming and hyperventilating when they took me away from her. She could hear me all the way down the hall, even as they took me outside.

When I heard that so much made sense. When I was a child I would cry and could never be comforted. I would cry so hard I would hyperventilate and would push anyone away who tried to hug me. Maybe a part of me never stopped crying... My adoptive mom even brought that up and I didn't know what to tell her. She said that she was so sorry that she never understood...

EDT: it's amazing how you can get a 'thumbs-down' in this section for telling your true life experience?! If you don't believe me (I'm only an adoptee, after all), ask my natural mother. Ask my a-mom who tried to comfort me for years and never could. Back in the 1980's, natural parents and a-parents weren't given ANY information about attachment disorder. None. If you can't deal with what one person has experienced, you need some help.

Fuaite le fuil, gaolta go deo

They never stop missing her. When my son was born he was placed in my arms, he was so quiet and peaceful; I nursed him for thirty minutes before the nurses gave him to my husband while I was checked out. My son screamed the entire time. I only slept four hours in three days because everytime he was placed in his bassinet or in someone's arms (other than mine), he would cry.

I only know that like most adoptees, I missed my mom. I'm sure that the baby gives up screaming for his mother after the first year but that longing never fades. Infant adoption is horrific. Several studies have shown that adults under hypnosis can recount their birth so I'm sure they never forget their mother.

DevonChaos

I'm 31, and I'll tell you when I stop.

Erin L

My daughter adopted at 9 months old cried for 4 days for her foster mother. That was the separation that I saw. I don't know about when she was a newborn - never held by her mother. She had a tough start, in the neonatal ICU for 18 days so not a lot of human contact much less mother contact at first.

cruzgirlz3

They quiet down, but some never stop crying.

kitta

I have always wondered this.

My newborn son cried whenever the nurses were holding him, but as soon as they handed him over to me, he stopped crying. He knew who I was,he relaxed, and settled down.

and I wonder what happened after he was forced to go live with other people.

He did not make a good adjustment. His adoptive "mother".....who complained about his anxiety, took him to a doctor when he was two years old. The doctor gave him anti-depressants.

When I found out about this, I talked to a doctor at the local hospital where child abuse victims are treated.The doctor told me the drugs were completely inappropriate for such a small child, and dangerous.

My son was treated badly in his adoptive home because he simply didn't belong there.

He was a normal child in an abnormal situation.

ETA: note to dk angel: you make perfect sense to me. I think my baby son felt the same way you did.

gypsywinter

There's a lot of studies and theories about newborns being separated from their mothers, but mostly due to illness/surgeries/nicu, whether for mother or baby. But rarely will see anything about the newborn separated from it's mother for adoption. The research and studies about the separation reasons I stated above, make it quite evident that both mother and newborn are put in/under great distress/stress to traumatic, when being separated and kept apart after the birth. Yet nearly nothing is written by the *professionals* about separation of baby and mother due to adoption. If they were to write the same as they do the other....would be bad, bad business for adoption. But then of course, when it comes to adoption....one woman can easily replace the actual mother and of course the newborn will never know the difference and baby will be happy as a lark to have any woman replace the mother she knew for the previous 9 months of it's life!! Because as we all know..in the Land of Adoption everyone lives happily everafter (including the surrendering mother who goes merrily on her way!) (great sarcasm intended)

Tad W

Since the adoption agencies like to publish cutesy anecdotes about "successful" infant adoptions, perhaps a couple of anecdotes might illustrate the strength of the bond between a child and its birth parents.

First is a young lady I know. She's 15 now. She has three dads. The one her mother was married to when she was born, her step-father who married her mother when she was two, and her biological father who she didn't even know existed until she was six years old. Guess which father she is more closely bonded with? The biological father, of course. If the paternal bond is that strong, then how bloody strong is the maternal bond that the infant sellers want to amputate for their mammon?

The second is a 40 year old man, relinquished for adoption as an infant in 1968. He has tried so hard to shut down the emotional pain of being adopted that he has developed all of the symptoms of Adopted Child Syndrome. In order for him to stop crying for his natal mother, he has become only half of a person.

The outward wailing for mother may eventually stop, but the adopted child NEVER stops crying for its mother.

really sad

my grandaugther was giving to me and her daddy (whos only 16 my son} at 3 months old by the state , i love my grandaugther and was wonder if she hurt for her mom, she seem completley happy , but i feel pain for her. she not allowed around mom or moms family without supervised visits. but no one ever calls to see her. heartbroken for this lil one

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