How do I deal with family hating me because I chose adoption?

lildreamer

do u think that's short?

Lauren

do what you think is best. tell your parents how you feel. see a counselar.

Blessings

You sound like a very loving, unselfish woman, and even with all the problems you have personally, your real concern is for you're unborn baby. You want her to have what you never had, and you want her to have a real life.

I feel you have made a good decision, and I feel that your parents or family need to stay out of it. If they loved the child so much; why don't they offer to take her.
Their are so many people who cannot have children and would love to adopt a baby.
If you were to keep the baby, I am afraid she would have to go through a lot needless suffering.
I think you are a strong woman; one with a good insight and unselfish heart.
It takes a powerful love for a woman to give up her baby to someone that she knows in her heart, could give her baby a wonderful life that her Mama never had.
This is your life, and I feel like your family is very wrong in condemning you, and trying to tell you how to run your own life.
Sooner or later, they will come around.

"Bless you"

Calandrea

Adoption is never an easy subject to deal with. I had a friend of mine who was 21 and already had one child and pregnant with another and got on the internet searching for a family to give her baby to. I was very concerned about her. Well to make a long story short she ended up having the baby and giving it up to a mutual friend of ours and then 6 months later she decided that she wanted the baby back and the friend that had him couldn't have children own her own and already loved him and was devastated. She went to court because she wanted to keep him but since the papers weren't finalized she ended up losing him after having him in her care for almost a year. Needless to say that the friendship all fell apart and she doesn't know where the baby is or how he is doing and is often sad and depressed because she too wants him. So all I have to say is adoption is hard on everyone involved so if you do this you need to make sure that it is what you really want. I know that it can be hard to raise a child but sometimes just because you give them up doesn't mean that they live that luxurious life. It may be better to talk to someone in your family about giving them temporary guardianship of your baby until you can get yourself squared away because it is not going to be as easy as you think. Down the line there are going to be problems and many regrets. I know you are worried about financially supporting this child but honey I didn't have my first job until after my first child. It made me feel a sense of maturity and I love every moment of being a mom. I can't tell you that you are right or wrong for your decision but I ask you to please pray about it before coming to a final conclusion because this friend of mine had her mind made up from day one that she didn't want her baby and the only reason she didn't have an abortion was because she couldn't afford it at the time. Her family had turned their backs on her after she gave him away even though it was to a friend and I helped her get through her family being so angry and they eventually started to come around but the more they came around the more they pressured her to take her baby back and in the end she did. Good Luck

My yahoo is untouchablep21 if you want to talk.

leila

You can't worry about what they do. But you can ask, " if you disown me now, when I do have my own family and your grandchildren or niece how will you have a relationship with them?
They are hurting and it's just hard to be around you right now with your baby showing. I think in time they will come around.

Jenna Hanson

I am so sorry for you that your family has chosen to act this way. If you know in your heart that you are making the right decision, then that is all that you need. You are giving a family the greatest gift, be proud of that.

Maya Young

I am so sorry your parents and family give you so much slack. I think you have TONS of courage to consider adoption and whats best for the baby. If you know the baby will have a great life with another family and you know you cannot provide for her than i think adoption is a great option. You can also consider open adoption, that way you will know your baby and your family can still see her. Eventually i think they will realize its a much better place for her, but for now be focused on the baby. She needs you to pull through and make the best decisions for her. If i were in your steps and was in an unstable state i would also consider adoption. The baby would have a bright and healthy environment, and the upside is you have the choice to still be in the baby's life or not. I wish you all the best to you and the baby.

hrcarr

I'm sorry for you and your situation. That stinks that your family is not willing to support you in your decision. I think you have shown great maturity and a motherly love for your baby. You want a better life for your child. That's what all us mothers want....for our babies to have better lives than we did. You realize you cannot give your child the kind of life it deserves, and you're willing to make the sacrifice and see that your child has every chance at growing up healthy and happy, in a loving family. Stick to your guns. If you believe this is the best thing for your baby, then go with it. In the end.....you're the one that has to live with your decision. Do what you believe to be right in your heart.

Karen!

If one of my uncles/aunts was going to set their kid up for adoption I'd be upset too. **BUT** if you were that uncle/aunt, and you told me what you just wrote (in other words what you feel) I would change my mind in a tenth of a second. Maybe you should do just that- tell them what you feel.

Stop the Hate Love instead

If you have looked at all your options and feel that placing the baby for adoption is the best thing for you and the baby then you just have to ignore your family they are entitled to their opinions and feelings but its not their decision and they should respect and support you even if they donâ€™t agree. Who knows when your baby is born and you hold her you may feel differently and decided not to place for adoption it does happen. You could also consider doing a kinship adoption (having a family member adopt her) or have a family member take permanent or temporary guardianship of her.

Family should stick by each other no matter what.It is sad that your family is not doing so. I have read of families not being happy if their child decides to place their child for adoption but I have never read anyone being disowned from the family because of that. Iâ€™m sure it probably has happened before but I would hope this is an extremely rare situation. I hate to say it but in the cases that it happens the person is probably better off with out those "family" memebers.

Often deciding to place a child for adoption is not an easy decision its one that expecting mothers and even father think of probably for months. In the end they are most of the time doing what they feel is best for their baby.

Cathy

Hi I don't have any real advice but just wanted to give some support. I am also 5 months pregnant and also planning to give the baby up for adoption. I too have some very big reasons why I can't love and care for this baby not even the basics and while I have no support from family and friends I certainly have a lot of criticism. I know how you feel and just wanted to say take care and do what your heart and head is telling you will be best for the baby most of all and you too. That's all you can ever do and while people may judge, they don't know what it's like to be in your shoes.
Good luck with everything and I'll be thinking of you.

Nora

you are doing the right thing the family has their own issues do not worry about them this is about the baby most of all and you.

â™¥Noah is almost 2!â™¥

i think that is very noble of oyu to go through with this pregnancy and just give him/her up for adoption instead of choosing abortion. you are giving this baby a chance at a good life. there is nothing wrong with adoption, it is yours and this babys life and your family shouldn't be able to judge you for it. woudl they rather see this poor baby live a rough life because (like you said) youa re unable to provide everything it needs? i am totally with you on this one! thank you for having the courage to give this child a life!

C. G

So sorry that you are not getting support from your family when you need it. It sounds like your family environment may have contributed to your own issues.

If you can build up a support network elsewhere (through eating disorder groups? and/or anyone else who's familiar with bipolar disorder), then it might help you to deal with the withdrawal of love and support from your family. It's so sad that they are choosing to be selfish instead of helpful.

Recognizing any of their issues might also help for you to put them in their proper perspective. It's hard not to be close to family but if for whatever reason they're on a higher pedestal than they should be, it might be good to knock them down a few notches in your mind. Knowing yourself is most important (i.e. what you can and can't handle and it sounds like you know). Then getting perspective on who they are or what they are doing or not capable of doing might help their comments and actions to bounce off of you (like teflon) instead of sticking so close to you.

I know it's hard. They may turn around they may not. But you should be prepared for both. If they are mature or if they can mature and let go, they will turnaround.

The risk of losing your family's love and approval is one that you're taking to better your child's life and is the sacrifice of a great mother who's not selfishly thinking of her own needs.

Ellissa Kyle

You know what.. you need to to what's right for you. Nobody else is in your shoes. Adoption is a great great thing and THE most UNSELFISH thing you could possibly do. It sounds like you have some selfish family members who have forgotten how hard it is to raise a baby. It will take everything in you to put ALL of your feelings aside and put your baby first and for that I have a ton of respect for you.

If you haven't found an agency yet. Unique Adoptins in California is great.

kitta

Have you considered...that emotional disorders can run in families, and your daughter could inherit your conditions.

Sometimes children are better off staying in their own family, simply because the family has understanding of the conditions.

There is no guarantee that an adoptive family will understand, or do better by the child.

AdoreHim

I am so sorry that your family is not being supportive of your decision. Adoption to me is the most unselfish thing a woman can do for her child. If you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you cannot raise your child, and it would be best for him/her , then you must follow your heart. I really believe that once your family sees that you know that you have made the best decision, they will be back. Good luck to you, and may you truly make the decision that you know is right in your heart.

Jack Putter

Quite a few people think I would have been better off if I had been adopted (my parents were abusive; mental disorders run in my mother's family, many and varied types of abuse run in both sides of my family). I disagree. I would have been better off if my parents had quit abusing me. I couldn't imagine learning that I just was so unimportant to my parents that they figured it would be easier to dump me off on strangers than to get the help they needed. I don't think your child will be able to buy the "best interests" argument. What's in your child's best interests is for you to get the help you need and become the parent your child needs.

Danielle

you said in one sentence you havent done anything with your life but then your dad now isnt going to pay for your college if you will have an eduction why dont you keep her if you love her i mean yea it will be hard but im sure she'll want to be by her mother... but if he doesn't pay for ur college i see your point too as well im sure they'll come around but if he is going to pay for ur college and u sitll want to give her up that is selfish...

bittersweet*

it looks like you will have to make this sacrifice and move on without them but eventually they will come around.
you are making a smart and unselfish choice! good for you!
God bless you and your daughter!

K.C.A

It sounds like you know in your heart that it's the right thing for your baby. If you feel that you can not take care of her and another couple can I think that it's an honorable decision. I'm sorry you family acted that way. All families are different. Good Luck to you. :-)

confused

You have made a very difficult decision to say the least! The positive side is that by allowing this child to be adopted you ARE showing signs of maturity. It's sad that your family is being so insensitive, but if all was well with them, you probably wouldn't have some of the issues that you do. Follow your heart, finish college and when the time is right you will know how to deal with your family. What matters most is the well being of this innocent baby and YOUR well being.

coincidence

At such a young age it sure sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders! Most teen mothers don't think realistically about what having a baby "really" means and just how much their life will change. I do commend you on choosing adoption rather than abortion!! Sorry your family can't understand where your coming from. Although I too couldn't imagine a family member not being with our family. Is there any way someone else in your family could adopt? If not, your family will have to learn to respect your decision. Honestly, your parents should be proud they have a daughter who wants to make something of herself.

Harley

Dude, I'd so give you the biggest hug right now if I could!

While I respect and understand your families feelings, they aren't exactly doing anything to coerce you into keeping your daughter other than guilt-trips and cruelty. You are her mother and you are doing what you feel is best for her. That is the ultimate sacrifice a parent can make for their child. You have obviously thought this through and for someone to make you feel like crap for it, is just...damn.

I don't know exactly what options you have looked at within the realms of adoption; open vs. closed, for instance. Make sure you talk to an adoption agency (accredited of course) and they will be able to help pay for your medical care if you aren't already getting it through the state. Speaking of which, your medication for bi-polar should also be covered by the state if you are not able to afford insurance.

Every family is different and unfortunately for you, your family has chosen to emotionally abandon you during your hardest period. It may take some time for them to come around, this is still fresh for them. Then again, they may not. You need to continue living your life and get yourself on the proper path before you can even begin to worry about how they are feeling. I can't tell you for sure what they will do, but I'm sure someone in that family of yours will get their sh*t straight and give you a helping hand when you need it (emotionally).

You are giving someone the greatest gift they could ever ask for. That is commendable, brave, and unselfish. Don't allow your family to bully you by turning their backs on you. You can probably get some help from the Free Clinic in your area with regards to any counseling you may want to seek to deal with the upcoming stresses.

Best of luck hun.

happily*waiting

Giving her up for adoption will not insure that she gets the life that you want her to have. Giving her up to two strangers that you don't really know will not insure that at all. The only thing that might in any way insure that is keeping your daughter yourself.

I can understand your family being angry with you. This is a life altering decision and in your case, I don't think the best decision to make. I would think about this a lot more and try to parent the child before putting her up for adoption. Some people will tell you this is a good, unselfish decision to make, but they won't be the ones in pain after the adoption and if you think this won't hurt your daughter you are wrong. Most adoptees do have issues from the adoption, you can see that from this board.

I agree with someone who said having the baby might help you with your eating disorders. A lot of people turn their lives around once they have a child because it gives you something to live for, it gives you someone to care about.

The child may very well inherit mental disorders, so giving her up will not mean she will be "normal". I grew up with a mother who was bi-polar and I suffer from the disorder myself, though I have a much milder case than my mother. I can't say that I was scarred by her disorder. I grew up knowing about it and I have witnessed her have a few "episodes" and have even been at the end of some, but I have turned out perfectly fine I assure you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is there is never really a good reason to give up your child. If you love this little girl then spare her and yourself the pain of being separated. At least, try parenting her. Don't give her up at birth.

grapesgum

If I were in your situation, is would do 4 things:

1) I would not respond to offers of help and advice from baby vultures on Y!A like SARA and Michymomma. Trust me on this. They don't give a crap about your relationship with your family or your mental health. They are only looking for a cheap score on an infant.

2) I would get counseling from mothers like magic pointed shoes here who have experienced the loss of a child due to adoption to understand why your family is upset with you. There are long term effects from surrendering a child and my guess is that your family is concerned about your health post-adoption. Also, counseling may help you to define "unconditional love" and that once you hold your daughter you may experience it. Many women feel completely different once they hold their babies for the first time. Adoption is a decision that needs to be made after birth, not before. Prepare to fall in love with your daughter.

3) I would try to understand the point of view of adoptees who do not like to think of themselves as a "sacrifice". Many adoptees would prefer wearing rags and being kept by their mothers.

4) I would demand that your family tell you specifically what they are going to do to help your provide for your daughter so she does not have to wear rags and you will not go crazy trying to take care a baby on your own.

Fuaite le fuil, gaolta go deo

There isn't much you can do. My brother and his girlfriend considered adoption and it broke all of our hearts. Luckily, they made the right decision and decided to parent their daughter. You need to understand that the little girl you are carrying is their flesh and blood, too. I would be highly upset if I was robbed of the chance to see my niece grow. I would be even more upset if I never met my grand daughter. Who knows if they'll talk to you, even if they do they'll never forget that you gave your baby away like a pack of puppy dogs. The decision you're making is not loving. Someone has to speak for your baby girl, good for your family for giving her that voice. If she could tell you anything, she'd beg for you to love her and nurture her the way that a mother should.

Lori A

You have exactly TWO answers that I agree with. giving your baby up may not keep them from inherited disorders. And the social stigma of being "one of those women" who gave her baby away if very much alive and well. I know first hand and it has been almost 40 years.

You have more family support than most, talk to them, ask them if they are willing to help out when you feel overwhelmed. And remember your hormones are in over drive right now so any chance at logical thought is out the window.

I too have been there and know what I'm talking about. This is not a decision that only affects you. Your family is telling you, screaming at you that it will affect them too. You are taking away a part of them that they do not want to part with.

Your problems with food may even be helped out by having a child. It puts food in front of you as well as your child. You can eat together. If not, there is no law that I know of that says an adults eating disorders are detrimental to a child. Maybe someone here who has an eating disorder can answer that.

I gave away my first child and lived the life of a broken woman for almost 20 years afterward. I drank, and didn't care about me. then I had two boys back to back. I have never been so grounded. My babies helped me become the responsible person I am today.

Keeping your baby just might help you.

Tadow

You poor, poor thing. Your family really needs to look at it from your point-of-view. If they did they would see that you love her enough to give her up.

If they care so much about keeping her in the family, then why doesn't one of them adopt her? That way you could get to know her as an aunt or a cousin and she would get the family that you want her to have.

magic pointe shoes

Oh my. You have received a whole lot of answers from people who haven't surrendered a child for adoption. How upsetting and disturbing.

Here's the thing, right now being in the middle of pregnancy, it's like being in a lifeboat in the middle of a hurricane and the hurricane is centered around this pregnancy. You are white knuckling for dear life trying to see this all through.

I can tell you this, the choice of making an adoption plan doesn't just affect you and your child. It amplifies and creates huge emotional conflicts with those around you that love you. Unintended conflicts.

So while it's very lovely that all these people are giving you platitudes for being so put together enough to make such a giving choice. The reality is, by choosing to surrender your child, it is by far a very low place to be. People really don't have much respect for women who relinquish their children after the child has been surrendered. Before hand, you hear a lot of how wonderful and thoughtful, but afterward the majority sound like your family.

If they knew what you were doing was indeed best and right, they wouldn't be having the reaction they are having. What they see is four months of your pregnancy remaining with the time needed for you to rise up the challenges to raise your child. I also see a family willing to help you keep your child, and I know so many relinquishing mothers having the exact opposite problem of not having family to turn to because of how upset they are.

I suggest you not make your mind up this early in your pregnancy. I suggest you make a fully realized parenting plan, and for your own emotional well being come post birth, realizing whether or not it is true that you aren't fit to parent, because to decide that unilaterally before even giving yourself the opportunity to try is going to be one HUGE emotional consequence in grieving afterwards if you do relinquish.

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