How do you convince someone not to give their baby up for adoption?

TSM

I wouldn't, it's her choice. I think adoption is a selfless act that gives a wonderful gift to loving and deserving people who cannot have children.

And I think it is mature of her to decide this because she is too young.

Patricia

Sweetie, that's HER choice to make.

Loads of mothers regret having kept a pregnancy, but you're not going to hear them SAY it because it's like crying over spilled milk!

guapagirl02

I think that you really need to educate yourself on the reality of adoption. Just because you may not have heard that no one regrets keeping a child does not mean that it does not happen. You cannot give her advice that you don't know is true.

If she feels that the best decision for HER AND THE BABY is to put her baby up for adoption, that might actually be the best decision. At the end of the day, she knows what's best for her, and hopefully she will make the right decision. Adoption can be a good thing for both the biological mother, and the child, but it's what she feels is best for both of them that is the most important factor.

All you can do is provide her with your opinion, but not try to convince her. What you think would be best for you is not what is necessarily best for her.

caseybaby1996

I wouldn't, it's her choice. I think adoption is a selfless act that gives a wonderful gift to loving and deserving people who cannot have children.

but i can understand ur point of view too u want her to kkep it bc shell love it and she might be really hurt but maybe its the best for the baby and her

Nikki

Theres really no way for you to convince her besides letting her know that you think she should really think it threw before doing this because of the fact that you are worried that she might regret it later on in life. And you never know, maybe when she actually has the baby maybe she will be in love with it and change her mind about the whole thing. But just look at the bright side of things, she IS having the baby and if she keeps it or gives it up for adoption at least she has given it a chance at life instead of aborting it like some young mothers do. So at least she taken a step in the right direction already : )

jamieleenolan1980

dont. its her decision. ive given a child up for adoption, and yea theres alot of guilt but i know my baby is in a great home. there is such thing as open adoption, i still get emails and pics. every one has an opinion about adoption. it can be really hard, sometimes harder dealing with the rest of the world when you do make that decision, the thing that not every one realises,is that not every pregnancy is a "happy thing. and it can happen just like that!!! just be her friend no matter what. trust me, its a hard decision to make. but its better then abortion. and who knows maybe shell change her mind before due date. just let her know that no matter what you are there for her. cos she really does need all the support no matter what her decision.

Tititita

That baby could be a blessing to her. He or she will take care of her later on. She or he can become a doctor, a great preacher, a loving person, she can learn a lot from her baby, etc.

Someday she will have to go to the presence of God, and God is going to ask her for the son or daughter that He put in her hand.

This is more serious than what a mother can ask. She is too young to take care her baby but not too young to do whatever she wants or desire. Not too young to be making love with an irresponsible person, etc.

I have four and I raised them almost by myself. I do not regret it. They are wonderful men and woman and I love them. I always read the Bible and this helped me a lot to raise my kids in a decent way. God bless me with them, with a good job, with a house which I already paid, new cars, etc. And I serve the Lord Father God with joy and in peace.

God bless you and help you to bless her. She needs a good friend to bring at her conscience that she has a responsability to do, and to do the correct before the eyes of God, for her to walk in the right path. And I ask you, where are her parents? What is their opinion? They are also responsable. Curse come to the family and children for many reasons.

tricia123

you can't and shouldn't try to get her to change her mind. Its her choice. You said she is young but didn't say how young. How do you know that she hasn't thought long about keeping the baby, adoption even aborting? How do you know if she has talked to someone like a counselor or dr about adoption? Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable telling you everything because she knows you don't want her to put the baby up for adoption. She probably got mad at you when you told her you would raise it because you are close to her age; maybe she feels she is to young and can't provide for a child right now.
Its hard to guess whats going on with your friend when we have no idea what she is feeling.
She may be considering an open adoption so that she will get pictures and letters from the adoptive parents. or maybe she will want it to be a closed adoption. These are all her decisions to make. You should support your friend and not make assumptions that she is just doing this because its what her boyfriend wants.
If she is really young under 18 and living at home, then her parents will talk to her and hopefully help her and/or support her.
Its not an easy decision to make at any age. Also if she just found out she's pregnant maybe shes just talking to see what everyone thinks. Being pregnant is a very emotional time she may or may not change her mind on her own at some point and then change it again. Just support her.

sizesmith

It's her decision, not yours. Support her as her friend, no matter what she decides. Help her with education, and make sure she's educated on the local state laws about how long after the baby is born that she can change her mind. Some states, it's final within 24 hours, some states you can't sign the consent forms until the baby is born, then a few days later, sign the forms, and no more rights; and other states have 10-30 days for the first parents to change their mind.

Encourage her to only go with open adoption. She doesn't have to keep up the visitation, however, if she doesn't try, she can't find out who adopted the baby in the future if she changes her mind.

You're wrong about the statement, "no one ever regrets the decision to keep a child..." Some women later wish they'd placed the baby for adoption, but by then, they know it'd be harder on the child. Many children who's parents keep them and regret it have the kids end up in foster care later on.

Only she knows her liimitations, her expectations, and her feelings or lack of them. You aren't the mother here, and she is, and she knows if she's ready to be a mother. There are many reasons to keep a child rather than placing it, but if she doesn't want it, the child will know.

Stop the Hate Love instead

There is not much you can do this is a decision she and her boyfriend have to make together. Now you can and should provide her with information on resources (i.e. aid programs) that can help her parent if thatâ€™s what she wants but you can not force her to keep her child. You can also make sure she knows what the reclaim period is and make sure she understands that very few states legally enforce open adoptions. Let her read things from first mother and adoptees but included a variety of opinions. Not all first mothers regret their decisions to place their natural child for adoption, not all adoptees long or want to search for their natural family. To only give one side would just be biased. From what you say she has a strong support system so that is not the issue.

Maybe you should take her out just the two of you and just ask her why she feels placing the baby for adoption is the best thing? Why she feels she couldnâ€™t parent the child? If your close friends hopefully she will be honest with you. In the end itâ€™s her (and boyfriends) decision and if one day she has regrets it she is just going to have to deal with it.

If she truly does not want to parent she should not be forced or pressured. Sometimes bad things can happen when we try and force people do to something that they truly donâ€™t want to. Look at poor little Caylee Anthony her mother wanted to place her for adoption but her parents wouldnâ€™t allow it so she parented and surely loved the child in some capacity. But obviously didnâ€™t want to be a parent at this point in her life she wanted to be off parting and having fun not being a mother so she offed the child.

Pip

All you can do is be supportive and ask her to educate herself ..... I wish I'd had a friend like you when I was pregnant but then I wanted to raise my child.

Here is a list of blogs that you can ask your friend to read - they are written by natural mothers including me and adoption related sites:

http://pipsjournal.tbadesign.org
http://montravia.livejournal.com
http://piscescathi.livejournal.com
http://firepoetry.livejournal.com
http://iamamomnotabirthmom.blogspot.com
http://neverunwanted.blogspot.com
http://cocokrispybeans.wordpress.com
http://roadtoreunion.blogspot.com
http://adoptionroadkill.blogspot.com
http://writingmywrongs.typepad.com

wallflowerchild87

You CAN'T and should NOT ever try to convince someone who wants to give their own baby up, not to. It is their life and their babys life and if they don't think they should be taking care of them because of their marital status and issues within their relationship then there is nothing you can do about it. It's best for the child to be in a home where she can be cared for and nurtured most.

myst1998

The best thing you can do is educate your friend on the harsh realities of adoption. Get her to read the research out there and read blogs written by adopted persons and mothers who have lost children to adoption. Make sure she has all the information she needs and if she still decides to go ahead and place then you at least you know you have done all you can and the result is on her head.

Just google adoption or against adoption and see what you get. Good luck!

Dalton & Kaiah's Mommy

Well, you really went about it all wrong. You need to be there and ask why SHE thinks adoption is best for her. --not her bf but her. At least she didn't kill it. Sometimes (mind you it depends on the person) it is best to do adoption. But if they are coerced/forced to do it they will regret it.

Vanessa

You can't convince somebody who doesn't want to be convinced. Tell her that you will support her no matter what she does, she's faced with one of the toughest decisions she will ever make in her life and needs all the support she can get.

Logan and Ella's Mommy

YOU can't convince her of anything. This is her decision and you must stand by it not try to guilt her into keeping this child. This is what she wants to do and you must support her. It's not your life.

LindseyTaylor

You cant convince her to not give up her baby, just like you cant convince someone to give up their baby....whatever she does its HER choice, not yours.

Its her baby and her life. You need to talk to her about why she feels like she wants to do this, it sounds like your just making assumptions (like i think its because her boyfriend) and trying to tip toe around the subject..you have to be obvious about it. talk about it directly. its a very serious matter

and offering to raise "it" for her is a bad idea all around. abandon the idea. think about what SHE wants and if your a good friend you will support that...

Jennifer L

You can't and you shouldn't try.

This is a decision that she and the father of the baby need to make. It may not be a decision that you agree with but it's not your decision to make.

I don't think people should be "convinced" to parent, or "convinced" to adopt, or "convinced" to abort by other people, even well meaning family members.

ï¾šoâˆšä¹‡â˜®

If you want me to be honest.....I think you should stay out of it. I know she's your friend and you want to do what's best for her. It's just that this is her decision to make, it's not yours. If you are worried that she's doing it for the wrong reasons (ie because her boyfriend wants to), then I would tell her to be sure adoption is what she really wants. Remind her that adoption is forever and she has plenty of time to think this through make consider all her options and make the choice she thinks is best....not what anyone else (including you and her boyfriend) thinks is best. Then I would just leave it with that. She's a grown girl she's more than capable of making her own choices, especially with something so personal.

cmc

It is her decision to make. You can offer advise, but you cannot convince her. Even if you succeeded in convincing her, it might not be the right decision and she could regret that too. Give your opinion honestly, but respect her judgment.

MamaKate is an Aunt!

Dear Mrs. S.,

No one should be "convincing" her of ANYTHING. This is the PARENTS' (plural!) CHOICE. What friends and family should be doing is supporting and educating this woman and her boyfriend about their options and the possible effects of their choices. That is the only way they will be able to make a WELL EDUCATED choice about the BEST INTERESTS their child. The CHILD'S should be the point of view that carries the most weight when the final decision is made.

They should be aware of all the viable means of preserving their family, including aid programs, housing programs, food assistance programs, daycare assistance, etc. They should be told about grants and educational assistance for young/single parents. They should be informed of available parenting classes, support groups and mentor programs. They should be given the options of temporary and permanent guardianship, temporary foster care as well as all the different kinds of adoption. Expectant parents should also have the a legal ramifications of their choices explained THOROUGHLY in CLEAR and plain language. The parents should also be made aware of the possible emotional/mental effects on both themselves and their child.

There are tons of places to get information and opinions on these topics - especially on the internet. Blogs, YouTube and Informational pages are at your fingertips. Just be sure not to get ALL your information from just one source! (Everything has more than one way of looking at it and no two situations will be exactly alike!)

Parenting Resources:
http://www.usa.gov/Topics/Parents.shtml
http://www.parenting.org/
http://www.motherhelp.info/keepingyourchild.htm

Guardianship:
http://www.childwelfare.gov/permanency/guardianship.cfm
http://www.cwla.org/advocacy/2006legagenda09.htm

Adoption Information:
http://www.cubirthparents.org/ (Heather Lowe's Pamphlet is a MUST READ for any parent considering adoption.)
http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_damage_to_children.html
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

Good luck to you and to this family - especially this future child. This is a very difficult decision and should only be made once the parents have been FULLY educated (and have preferably seen and held their child). I hope that the decision his or her parents make is the best possible one and that he or she is given the love and support that ALL children deserve.

ETA: As I was mentioning, it is imperative that these parents know the LEGAL RAMIFICATIONS of their choices. The poster above me mentioned "open adoption". This young woman and her partner NEED to be aware that "open adoption" is NOT LEGALLY ENFORCEABLE before they make that choice. It is not uncommon for parents to be promised contact only to be shut out of their child's life after the adoption is finalized. While there ARE people who do honor their promises (and my hats off to them!) there are many who do not and there is NOTHING that can be done about it.

parenting is an option II

Not everybody is ready to raise a child. Maybe you can have a chat with her and try to understand (and make sure she isn't coerced) why she is making the decision to give her baby up for adoption. At least ask her to hold her baby after it is born and don't feel rushed to sign the papers. Let her know of all the resources in the area that help support young women. Like the food stamp office, medicaid, WIC. Let her know she has options and ask if she really wants to adopt it out if you can adopt it. Let her know if she has any doubt about adoption being the right choice then maybe she should hold off on the decision.

You can't force her to parent. She is responsible for making her own decisions. Good luck and best wishes.

Laurel J

You don't. It's up to her.

She has to live with this decision, whatever she decides, for the rest of her life. You don't. If you want to help her research her options, that's fine, but if you have no business influencing her.

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