How have you been hurt by adoption?

You ask..I answer.!.

umm..i am not adopted..

Themilkdude23

i was adopted

Micala Toler

Why yes, i have been hurt by adoption. Just the thought of someone throwing there kid away to another family is horrible. If your going to do this to kids don't bother getting pregnant. Because when those kids grow up with foster parents, and not there real parents, is gonna affect them sooner or later.

sizesmith

Sometimes, I feel as if I've cut my own throat trying to help some people out. We've been trying to adopt for quite some time, and each time (except for the successful adoption of our son, 23 months ago), we end up helping the first parents out, only to never see the children again ever. I totally understand and have totally supported people who decide to keep their children, and we honor our son's open adoption, even though his first parents quit visiting the day they had another baby (who was placed with us for 3 days). I just wish they'd continue to at least let me know if the kids are alright, because even though they aren't mine, I fell in love with them the minute I found out about them.

I see a loss that my brother-in-law has. Their mother placed a son 49 years ago, now in reunification. The brother who'd believed he was the oldest son declares he doesn't have another brother, and is hateful, rude, won't relay phone messages to the mother, and keeps the entire family angry over this. The mother has been thrilled to have "J" back in her life, and my other half and the brother who was placed are now very close, like best friends, and this weekend, we're moving half way across the country so they can get to know each other even more. By not wanting to reunite, the oldest brother who was raised by their mother is making life hard on everyone, and I couldn't imagine being in the brother's place who was placed.

Mychildren'smom

We were asked to adopt a baby. I was there for the mom through the last five months of the pregnancy. She told me all the time she knew it was what she wanted. We went out and bought a whole wardrobe for the baby, car seat etc. We fell in love with the mom and the upcoming baby. It was gonna be an open adoption. So I planned to stay in contact with the mom. We have even named the baby. At the last moment the father told her he had changed his mind so she said they were gonna keep the baby which, of course is fine but, it did break my heart. I cried almost all the time for about 3 months.

TOTALLYME

I was adopted and it took me a long time to accept it but i matured and realized i love itI could of been aborted and never been alive, could of been with a horrible family or couldnt be supported if i was kept. I realized that life is amazing and i thank my mother fand father for adopting me because it made me who i am too and made me appreciate life and be thankful for being alive.

Glee

As a foster parent interested in adoption, with all my friends telling me not to do it, I am riveted to the answers you get here.

I've had a few horrible foster parenting experiences myself. I don't want to discuss them in public.

EDIT: Micala, foster parents are indeed "real" parents. We give real love. We feed the kids the same real food, share the same real roof and real family issues with our fosters as we do our biological child. We comfort real pain and seek real help and real healing. Believe me, you don't do it for the compensation check. That does not begin to cover the costs of a child who comes to your door, angry, confused and usually with no previous medical care or clothes on their back. If that is not a real family, nothing is.

Morpheus, many people beat their biological children too. That man beat you because he was a monster, not because you were adopted.

epicbeats

well i was adopted when i was 7 by my cousin cuz my parents died.i am 20 now.well the negative about it was that i rebelled alot.and i also have this mentality that i dont let people try to run my life or tell me what to do all the time because they are not my mother.which was a reason why my cousin kicked me out.but hey I rather be independent

maccrew6

After reading through these responses, I see that sometimes the adoptee has issues that last a lifetime and at times they are mistreated.. What I don't understand though, is the willingness to "thumbs down" anyone that says they were adopted and have led a wonderful life... If so many of you say your adoption story was horror, then others have a perfect right to say how blessed they feel to have been adopted into the families they were...Stop widening the chasm....

Pip

Natural Mother - I wanted to parent my son, there was no need for him to be adopted as I was in a situation where I could afford to raise him (working) but even if I hadn't I would have been eligible for benefits and as we have the NHS I wouldn't have had to worry about medical or dental treatment as both are free.

The best way to describe it is an invisible amputation and it is gut wrenching. I have suffered with depression, been suicidal, self harmed, been angry, hated myself, blamed myself felt ashamed. It took reunion to work through all the emotions but I still have my bad days and it will always be a life sentence.

snowwillow20

I was hurt by giving my daughter up.

grapesgum

Who am I in adoption? How have I been hurt?

There are missing family members on our family tree who were forever lost to strangers during the Era of Mass Surrender.

My daughter's best friend lost her baby to a couple who lied about open adoption. They moved. Her son is 5 years old and she has not seen him since he was 3 days old.

The adoption predators tried their best to get my niece's baby. They failed. Hopefully, times are changing in "domestic infant adoption".

Carol c

Losing my son to adoption was a horrible tragedy for me. I never got over it.

Anha S

adoptee, circa 1978.

The many ways adoption has hurt me:
Losing out on my mom, my sister, and my dad.
Losing my entire identity, my name, anything and everything about me.
Being adopted into a home that wasn't emotionally or mentally stable.
Being abused in said adopted home.
Finally accepting that it really was abuse at 30, finally being able to say it, and no longer wanting to hide things to "save" the parent's reputation.
Adoption hurts me when I look at my children. Or at the relationship my hubby has with his mom. the relationships are tangibly different.
Having a twisted sense of love from an early age. If someone loves you, they leave you. Or that's what I was told when people kept spouting the "your birth mother loved you so much she gave you up!" shtick.
Routinely hurt by the expectation by many that I should be greatful that I was given a home, that I wasn't aborted.
Hurt by the fact that my own information was kept from me for so long, and many adoptees and first moms out there still have no access to their own info.

Krista R

I am an adult adoptee in reunion. Let's see, have I been hurt? Well, adoption is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy. I lost my family, my heritage, my self esteem, and every fiber of who I am as a person. I was raised by a completely different family. How confusing and painful.

...

Yes badly.

BOTZ

I was hurt by adoption BY adoption... I was adopted, which hurt all by itself.

THEN, as if to "pour lemon juice in the cut" or "rub salt in the wound" or "add insult to injury" ... I was ABUSED in my adoptive home, and ONLY in my adoptive home.

Who I am in the adoption plane...Oh, boy! The places I could go with this one. Well, I'll tell you who I was before 2004, and then I'll tell you who I am now.

Then (pre-reunion/before 2004):

I was "their adopted girl." I was "one of [their] adopted angels/gifts/miracles." An ungrateful child. A trouble-maker. I had "so much potential if [I] would just apply [my]self." I "must have come from some angry people to be so angry". I was unmanageable. I was the one who my a-mother "just [couldn't] understand what's wrong with [me]." I was inscrutable. I was "never going to be happy with anything... no matter how much [she/they] give and give and give..." I was the one who "would realize just how much [I] have to be grateful for if [I] would just pay attention." I was the one who "hurt [her] more than [she] hurt me." I "didn't understand how hard 'it' (raising me) [was] for [them]."

Today, in adoption, I am:

My natural mom's "baby girl". Her "firstborn and first-loved". Her "brave one". Her "guardian child". I am the one "sent to save [her]." I am "finally back again". I am "the one [my little sister] [has] been waiting for." I am the one my little brother "always knew... would make it okay." I am "so much like [my] mother, it's just amazing." I have "mom's eyes", "[sister]'s strong will", "[brother]'s compassion and love of people" and "[gramma]'s fortitude through adversity." I have my dad's soft heart and gentle connection with nature, animals and little children. I am "a constant joy". I am "so good to her and so good for her" (as spoken of my mom by her husband).

Most importantly to me, I love myself as I never have before. I respect myself as I never have before. I can find beauty in my own existence BECAUSE I see my own physical, emotional and intellectual characteristics reflected in people I love and cherish with all my heart and I CANNOT hate or dislike THEIR characteristics in me.

That's who I am "in the adoption plane" now.

I feel I must comment on what Glee said about being adopted and abused. I can agree that one who abused a child is a monster. I can also agree that biological families sometimes have abuse, too. What I have to take exception with is Glee's declaration that the abuse was "because he was a monster and not because you were adopted".

With all due respect, Glee, unless you are that person's abuser, YOU do not know WHY he was abused. YOU do not know that it was "not because [he was] adopted."

I supposed you would tell me, another victim of adoption and abuse (and yes, I WAS a victim of BOTH adoption AND abuse), that I was not abused because I was adopted either. If that is the case then please give me your thoughts on this question: Why were my adopted brother, my adopted sister, and I abused and my NON-ADOPTED sister NOT abused... all by the exact same parents?

Did that, by sheer coincidence, have NOTHING to do with adoption? Would you rather suggest that the abuse we endured was OUR fault? That she was a "better" child than we were and therefore did not "deserve" to be abused?

Please think before you make statements about the intentions of a person you do not know or the "causes" or "motivations" behind his/her awful actions. Adoption, all by itself, causes all kinds of horrible things INCLUDING abuse.

mrwynd

I am now an adult who was adopted at birth. I haven't been hurt by adoption in any way. I'm extremely lucky to have been adopted by such a great family.

smarmy

Let me count the ways.

Self esteem
self indulgence
self medicating
self repulsion
self loathing
self destruction

I would be the surrenderer

Andraya - Snark's Sister

Adoption has left me a broken shell compared to the peson I could/should have been.

No self respect, confidence, esteem etc. until very recently. Many behaviours that are self depreciating, harming etc that I work daily to overcome. Lack of trust, inability to accept love or affection, constant sense of guilt, difficulties bonding with my younger children, difficulties bonding with family members from infancy on, manipulative behaviours to present a "perfect' outward appearance to others, either clingy and needy or distant and aloof I have absolutely NO middle ground when it comes to emotions. I have almost no trust in others, except other adoptees and n-moms it seems. I almost never allow any romantic relationships to develop past the initial stages, mind you I have made very few IRL friends as an adult as well. The list really goes on and on.

This is not who I was meant to be. There is simply no way. I look at my family and see people who act like I want to. They act like I feel on tthe inside but I have been conditioned to be someone else, part of a totally different family where my own quirks were unacceptable and to be hidden deep inside.

It took 32 years but I am finally breaking those ties and striking out on my own to see who I really am. Unlike most 'mid life crisis' I have to go back to my infancy and work forward since I really have no clue who I am. I know who the adopted me is but I NEED to find out who the adopted/natural/reunited me is. I need to find a way to meld together my adopted self, the self I burried for so long and this new me that is a product of those two things PLUS losing my son PLUS my own reunion. What a cluster f**k, I just want to be whole and I am sick of having to work at it like a jailbird on a chain gang.

kateiskate is getting married

It really hurts during the summer. Why? I was born sometime in the summer, but I have no idea which day, where, and to whom. Not knowing my birthday has brought me a lot of heartache this year.

Of course the loss of my natural family is devastating. In what other parallel universe would people be told to feel grateful for that? In what other universe would people try to diminish that loss and act as though it doesn't even exist?

It is really frustrating sometimes that people are desperate to find something good in a devastating and tragic situation that is losing your entire natural family and having the truth hidden from you for a lifetime.

As I said in the other question, the only people who can offer TRULY positive stories about adoption (that are not marked by loss) are adoptive parents. My mom gained two beautiful, smart, wonderful daughters that she would not have been able to know and parent had it not been for the losses of other people. She is really the "grateful" one in this situation and she has told both of us that.

Orpheus Think Tank Repairman

Having the resentment of the male member leading the family for 17 years... lets just say I was his favorite punching bag. He's start drinking on thursday and sober up on sunday afternoon to go back to work sunday night... the more drunk he became the worse the beatings would be, and for the smallest of reasons. I received a 4 hour beating, and it being a nice day the beating was outside. I remember it well, "HOW DO YOU SPELL HORSE?" horse? "ARE YOU ASKING ME OR TELLING ME" POW INTO THE RIGHT TEMPLE AREA... This was the second time I had my jaw broken... I was 10 years old

I found out when I was 17 that I was not his son...

ME!

.

Honest & Sober

I'm a 1974 vintage Aussie Adoptee born in the year of the great flood.

"How have you been hurt by adoption?"

I don't blame adoption for these issues. Nevertheless it has played a major part in the problems that I have experienced throughout my life.

Forming strong and stable relationships have always been difficult.

I still have trust issues.

Growing up without anyone I could really turn to for help.

I've become too independent.

You have trouble asking for help even for the simplest things.

It was hard dealing with being rejected by my mother the first time around; the second time it was life changing.

I was too mature for my age. As I felt like I had to be the mature kid 24/7 otherwise my parents would dispose of me like my mother did. Something that they threatened to do to me from when I was about 5.

Your cousins gets married and the invite makes it clear no kids are allowed; yet when your parents arrive every other relation has their kids there. But you and their natural daughter aren't.

There are times where I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone.

Even though I have access my adoption records I still feel like I'[m being treated like a perpetual children child by those in the adoption industry as secrecy and privacy is more important than our rights.

Having others tell me whats in my best interests; like as if they have lived my life; yet when you flick it around they get all pissy about it.

I used to keep my feelings to myself.

You still have to deal with the negatives feelings of loss, abandonment, grief, emptiness, outsiderness, attachment and many others each day. There is no cure. There is no drug and no therapy that can remove these feelings. They are always there. You do your best each day to keep them under control. Without support from family and friends it would be difficult. I do have a few people who I do trust enough to lean on when I need it.

I do my best to get up each and every morning. I can face myself and everything else and I always try to make each day better than the previous.

DevonChaos

I am an adoptee. Adopted right after birth.

I have been hurt by adoption. My bonding 'skills' are sub par. My emotional maturity took a long time to catch up with where it should be. I had issues with abandonment. I still do at times.

I have no medical history. I have children who have no medical history on my side of the family. I've had medical issues arise that were supposedly genetic, but I had no clue if they came from me or not. The not knowing my history led to many tests and a very loose diagnosis.

I was given to an abusive woman. Some psychological testing would have quickly weeded her out of the prospective parenting pool. I have mental and physical scars from that.

I would say that I'd be hard pressed to think of a positive.

dowhanawi

YEP! Adopted 1975, part of the US /Canada policy known as the 60's scoop where they took us Indians and put us in white homes, many for no good reason, just wanted to assimilate us. The Geneva convention has ruled such acts as an act of genocide.
I was ripped from a loving family to be raised by white racist christians. The entire thing hurt, was painful, devastating, left at age 15 to get back to my roots. In short cross cultural adoption is just plain wrong. i have met some of my people who were adopted by do-gooders and they had the same result. Love is NOT enough. Loss of language and culture is devastating to most, don't believe me, read the replies of those in my situation.

life is like the ocean

I was hurt when I was bullied in to placing my daughter for adoption.....bullied unmercifully.

I was hurt when I found out the open adoption was a boldface lie, and I had to live for 18 years without any knowledge of whether my child was alive or dead. No peace of mind, a simple and basic human necessity.

I was hurt when I found out that the AP's lied about everything. They did not own a chain of businesses. They were not wealthy. They didn't live in a 10 bedroom home. They lived in a 1 bedroom and worked minimum wage jobs. My daughter lived in poverty.

I was hurt when the agency admitted that the owners "friend" adopted my infant child. The homestudy was falsified.

I was REALLY hurt when I found out my daughter was the AP's punching bag....and brutalized every single day of her life. This literally broke my heart.

I was hurt that she was raised by drug abusers and alcoholics, that couldn't even take care of themselves. Still can't.

I was hurt when I heard that the adoptive father had a string of affairs, and other children while he was married to the adoptive mother. He didn't want to pay for my daughter's upbringing because his "real" kids would suffer.

I was hurt when I found out that my daughter was put on birth control at the age of 11, so she would'nt be "promiscuous" like *me*. That is the crap she was fed everyday.

I was hurt when I found out that she was told that they got her from a DUMPSTER, and that I was a streetwalker. I am totally NOT promiscuous, just the girl next door who happened to be stalked, then raped and assaulted.

This is just a drop in the bucket of hurts. It has impacted who I am, everything I do, every fiber of my being.

Even worse, it impacted my daughter. It will impact her forever.

Someone in my family was pretty much forced to give her daughter up for adoption in the early 70s. That's how it was back then of course. But she never forgave herself and had a lot of emotional problems such as anxiety, depression, self harm and extreme guilt. Very sad :(

almost human

The documentary in which I am featured:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmrNP1lgTsg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Mq_51jRYIY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7PqIv5l43M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NA6MDVlkl3o
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prTah8GK_2E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxW9A0FZPhU

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