How many on here truly believe that aparents get the easy part of the deal?

Maureen S

Easy part of the deal??

Let me see now. Raising a child from seven days old, caring for it in sickness and in health.
Assisting the child through the years of school, entering the tunnel of teenage times, and coming out the other end still with unconditional love.

I suppose if you put being a parent, and all that goes with it, the love, compassion plus the challenges and tribulations, into a category your would answer this question with a yes and no.

Yes it is easy because of the love you receive and the love you get in return. No, it is not easy being a parent, but with love between parent and child, then it becomes a journey of growing and learning on both parts.

My five children, adopted from birth and my youngest child, the only pregnancy, are the best deal I could have ever received in life. The love we have for one another, as a family unit, is worth the hard parts and the easy parts, as in any family.

Since my five oldest children were given up to Children's aid at birth, then I would feel that the easy part for them, was being adopted and thus not having to go through life as foster children or something similar. At least that is what they have told me. Not easy, but rewarding.

Spotty-Dotty

They don't get an easy part of any "deal".

Rosie

Absolutely not. It can be quite heartbreaking and painful to parent an adoptive child. And it isn't a deal, it's a situation of lives entangled.

DropsOfJupiter

Thank you for pointing this out! I've had friends that adopted and trust me, they go through a lot. There is NO predictability, about ANYTHING. And then there's all the extra hardships about raising a child that was adopted. And it is NOT "someone else's child" , it is THEIR child.

Wellspring

I do, absolutely, no question about it.

They wanted their own and when that didn't work they wanted someone else's. They got what they got because it was easier than living without.
So how can it be a mother who lives without her child, or a child who lives without it's mother be easier.

cricketlady

Not I. Nothing about it was easy or ever will be. Parenting a child through all the losses my child and any other child adopted from foster care can Not be easy. They have a lifetime of losses to deal with that can Never be balanced out. Every move in care is another loss, for the child moving on to the next home and leaving behind their material possessions, be carted off to hospitals because their caregiver is not equipped to handle their everyday crisis. Working with that child or adult who has lost so much that I can not begin to understand. Easy? Not in this lifetime.

Randy B

It what way? Emotionally, financially, effort? Short term or long term? The question is so broad that just about any answer will fit with what you are looking for or not fit.

Tonia

I happen to agree with what aloha said.

Pretentia

It depends on the situation I think, and the people involved. My first mom would definitely say things were worst for her, but I disagree. She had a choice of how much involvement to have in my life and chose none (I was old enough to remember, I am not going on something I was told later). My aps had to deal with her threats, her lying to and about them, to me about them, the stress of worrying about letting me keep contact even though her spouse was abusive to her other children, my own emotional issues when she appeared and disappeared from my life, my rebellious teenage "you aren't my real parents" stage... that's not to say that they had it the hardest either, but the attitude that aps just benefit from other's pain just isn't fair. They carry a share of burden, and not all of them are callous enough not to worry and care about what the first mom or kids are going through. Is their part more difficult then anyone elses? Well that is going to depend on the adoption in question and the people in question just like everything else. By generalizing this kind of thing for everyone we allow stereotyping that helps keep different aspects of adoption seperated - us against them - when really we should be respectfully supporting each other to come to solutions to make things easier for everyone.

SLY

I do, absolutely, without question! There are no losses that they suffer, except perhaps their cash. For the life of me, I cannot think of one thing that they could wish for except maybe to make things a little faster and cheaper. Beyond that, they have their stated heart's desire. What isn't easy about that?

ETA: They got their heart's desire, a baby, and they were the ONLY ones in the equation that didn't suffer a loss. And, even if they don't like the outcome, it changes nothing...they wanted it, they paid for it, they got it.

Pip

I do and please bear in mind it is much cheaper in the UK to adopt. Having said that I have seen how my son's adoptive parents have "paid" in other ways because they adopted but they know I have sufferd in other ways.

Ferbs

Adoptive parents have the easier part of the deal. Just like Aloha said.

We adopted. We wouldn't change a thing. The fact that it happened so quickly despite being a foster care to private adoption case (as per first mom's decision), made it that much easier on us personally. In Canada, you don't pay the same $$ unless you go international so finances were minimal.

He is the heart of our home. As the foster dad (who raised him for 10 months) said, "we won the lottery".

We never had to give up a child. We are doing what we can to make it easier on our son (open adoption) but we don't know what's ahead.

Reality is: When you adopt...you are asking for and seeking parenthood and all its challenges. You also have to acknowledge that your happiness is because someone else made the ultimate sacrifice.

His first mom still loves him despite some bad choices (I say there are bad because they cost her her son) and we know she misses him.

We have a beautiful family with its ups and downs like any other. We shouldn't be put on a pedestal or put down because of it.

We have the chance to raise this wonderful boy.

How can we NOT consider ourselves the lucky ones?

myst1998

I do. And of course they get the easier part of the deal as adoption is aimed to be all about THEM. THEY create the demand and therefore the supply has to be found. Without the demand, there would be more support keeping families together and adoption wouldn't be crammed down everyone's throats as a loving caring option when it is not.

This does not mean I am saying parenting is easy, I am not looking at it from that angle because I appreciate that parenting regardless of whether your children are born to you or adopted/fostered poses their own challenges.

But adoption does not care about mothers and their babies. It is solely focused on providing a service for its clients. That is the reality whether people want to view it that way or not. You can't change the reality of it... but you can change your mindset and when THAT happens, we will see more support offered to keep families together. Sadly, when I see some of the posters here and other places on the net, I doubt it will ever happen.

A broken heart that can ever be repaired is much harder to live with. I would rather all the challenges and joys that come with parenting my OWN child. Nothing could ever replace her in my heart and living without her has been worse than anything else I have ever experienced. So yeah, I thik the ap's get the easier side...and so would they if they were honest with themselves!

kitta

I do...no one forces them to adopt. In fact, they pay to adopt children.

Adoption is an industry that is dependent on adoptive parents, who are the clients. And although there may be difficulties involved, they keep lining up to adopt.

And they are testifying in the state legislatures to make it "easier" to adopt.

Natural parents lose their children, and children lose their natural families in adoption.

Adoptive parents gain.

ETA: raising a child who is not born to the adoptive parents, can be difficult. It is harder on the child, who must adjust to strangers as parents, while adjusting to the loss of the natural family.. And the loss to the natural mother, who wanted to raise her child, is profound.

THat is why we have adoption therapists, attachment specialists,re-union groups,search/ support groups, and........even horrors like ''re-birthing therapy" (which is now illegal...because an adopted child, Candy Newmaker, died in the process)

I am a natural family preservationist. Except in cases where keeping natural families together is impossible (or abusive) children belong with their families of origin. Parents are not simply people who can be replaced. People cannot be re-born to other people...no matter what the fake BC says.

sizesmith

Yes, adopting the first time was easier. Since then, I know that the losses are horrid on first moms, but it's not easy to be matched to adopt, have the child in your arms and home, and love that child, only to have it go back to a home of drugs, abuse, neglect, and not caring.

Our son's adoption of course would have been much easier had he been born to not only bio parents, but better parents than he was born to. I see his full sister's life, and getting sent here and there, and breathing 2nd hand smoke in a camper, being cold, being around drugs, and worse, then being taken away, returned, and who knows where she's at today. In this case, adoption was easier on our son than his bio sister. Quite frankly, it's not easy on anyone in the adoption triad.

Freckle Face

Of course we do as aparents. There is no pain or loss associated with our adopting a child. If you are going to compare the "triad" here there is no comparison. Adoptive parents = win win

Ditto Aloha

Opedial

Usually I do, truthfully. But today, as we are dealing with my child's encopresis, which is recurring off and on as a result of trauma from his First parents, so although I get all the rewards of parenthood, I am also dealing with all the poop (literally) that can come along with their life experience.

So I do think I am lucky to raise the children, catch me on a really bad day like today and in my head I am not feeling I have an easy deal. It is a fine line in feeling bad about the children's behaviour when they are not at fault, but there are times when you think, man, this could have been much easier. But then the next day comes along, and you remember why you took this journey, because these children are the loves of my life, poop playing and all.

Andraya - Snark's Sister

*raises hand*

Abso-freaking-lutely they get the easier deal.

Aislin

I do. Compared to losing a child adopting is easy. Compared to losing your entire world (to a newborn mommy is the world) adopting is easy. I'm sure it has its ups and downs as raising any child does but compared to what adoptees and natural mothers go through I will take it any day.

Carol c

Well certainly easier.

They don't suffer the loss issues natural mothers or adoptees do. They are gaining from someone else's loss.

LinnyG

Hmmm...I would say they do, when comparing the pain of relinquishing a child or growing up in the dark....BUT- it's not easy parenting a stranger's child. I know my ap's were completely in the dark as to how parenting an adoptee would be no walk in the park. They thought they would get a baby, and it would be the same as if they had me, lol. That's what the adoption agency told them. SURPRISE!!! Not even close.

cruzgirlz3

I wouldn't say "easy" as all parenting is difficult. But they get what they are seeking....a child. So, they gain from the loss. The adoptee has no choice, and the natural parents lose their child. So, I would say that adoption is most beneficial definitely to a parents.

aloha.girl59

I do, and I'm an AP. I lost nothing by adopting my son. I only gained. I gained a great kid and the opportunity to raise and love him...and to be loved by him. I imagine that filling out a bunch of paperwork, readying my house for a child, getting fingerprinted, and attending a few classes is NOTHING compared to losing a child to adoption...or to losing a natural family.

emma

I don't believe that anyone in adoption has it "easy." Particularly when adoption comes from a foster system situation, there is no easy situation. It is not easy to be the parent of three children with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is not easy spending so much time with a therapist. It is not easy to be hit and kicked by a child who is just learning to deal with emotions in a way that doesn't contain abuse. It is not easy to face a teacher who has dealt with my children on a bad day. It is not easy to be so devastated for their loss of family and watch them suffer.

Do I love my children? Yes. Watching them change from angry to loving is an amazing process. It is wonderful to see how they are growing and finding joy in their lives and safety in the love of a family. It is rewarding to be an adoptive parent, but I would not call it easy.

Of course, adoptees and first parents face the loss of a child and/or family which is devastating and I think it is hard to compare any of the situations. Adoption is tough on all parties involved.

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