Infertile couples shouldn't adopt? Or it's a "sign" from God?

newenglandjoy

It is a wonderful thing that infertile women can adopt and there seems to be a persistent hostility here to women who cannot have babies. It is not THEIR fault that promiscuity abounds in our society!

Independ"ant"

Bad mouthed or motives critiqued?. Just because someone has a condition that plays on sympathy doesn't mean they get a pass on evaluation. Adoption is about the child and nobody else. Kids should never be used to cure or alleviate someones personal problem.

As far as the God thing....I find it odd that people use him/her to justify their own situations or wants. Saying that adoption was meant to be because Im infertile doesn't cut it and its selfish. Thats not about the child...thats about their personal problem.

LET ME ASK YOU... What would say to an infertile woman living in a country where adoption is baned? Would you say don't accept it...live in self pity/grief or would you tell them to get therapy to deal with their loss?.

Dream_Weaver

There are people on here who are sensitive to the adoption issue no matter which way it goes. Now my husband and I are Catholics and the way every Church I have been to teaches is that if you can't conceive naturally IT IS a sign to adopt. They are against most types of fertility treatments.

The bottom line is, when we're dead and we are standing in front of the big man at the pearly gates, there will not be a single person there with us. We will have to answer for our life by our self. People can go around preaching that it's God's will, but we all know in our hearts what's right and what's wrong. No one else can tell you or your sister what God's will is.

I believe things happen when they are supposed to and not a moment before then. Your sister will have her time, one way or another, and her heart will know it's right.

å°é»ƒ

"The fact that one woman cannot create her own children does not mean someone else needs to give one up."

Gaia summed it up with that one statement.

If Woman A is infertile, it is NOT Woman B's job to carry a child and be pressured into relinquishing just BECAUSE Woman A wants to be a mother. Woman B does not have any obligation to Woman A. End of story.

B-Power

I'd be willing to bet that 95% of the population do not feel that way. You've made in incorrect assumption because most people don't feel that it was a woman's "lifestyle choices" and that they shouldn't be able to adopt. Who would deny a child a home?

annarhi

There are so many children in this world that will never have a family, birthday parties or someone at their High School graduation. As a women who has gone through fertility issues I think, sometimes, its God's way of saying, adopt. You can be a mom in so many ways, you don't have to give birth to gain that title.
People want to put so many guidelines and rules into life. Love is love and all children respond to it so no matter if you single, married, or gay and you want to be a parent adoption works for all parties involved. I wish more people understood that and made the process easier.

Sunny

I don't believe in signs.

That said, I don't believe everyone will be able to raise children. There will always be more people who want children than there are infants available.

But there is something to be said for people accepting the reality of their condition, no matter what the reason for the infertility.

It is no the role of fertile women to produce children for infertile women.

It goes back to supply & demand again...

jeni5844@yahoo.com

well, i never really blamed anyone for infertility. my parents were unable to have kids. it was a very weird medical trauma that happened with their first child who was still born and my older brother who was swimming in blood for four hours in her stomach before being born. he should never have been "normal", so to speak, but he is.

my mom's doc told her she could not have any more kids. do i blame it on her? no.

do i blame anyone for their infertility? no. i actually do not.

that doesn't mean that i agree with them adopting another woman's child and raising it as "her own". it is not her own.

i agree with foster care. if a woman really feels a need to mother, she should go for the kids who truly need families.

adoption is not about women who "need" to mother.

Infertility is the inability to become pregnant NOT the inability to be a parent. As many have stated being pregnant and being a parent are two different issues.
Let me ask you this, why let the ignorant comments of complete strangers bother you?

celtic.piskie

Personally, the actual infertility isn't an issue.

It's the sense of deserving.

I can't have my own, so I 'deserve' someone else's?
That's just sick!

No-one else EVER deserves another woman's child.

They need to get over the fact that they CAN'T have children, grieve for that, and then deal with the different issue of parenting an adopted child.

Because it is different.

It's the fact that these middle aged, rich women feel that they are better parents by default than young single mothers.

NO.

AutumnMystick78

I think any woman who wants to raise a child should have that option available to her. So long as she is responsible enough to do so. Being a parent is something I never thought I would be able to do or be any good at. I can say now that I would not have it any other way. Children open you up to so many emotions and views on life that I think it is a crime to deny any responsible family an option to have and raise another human life.

If a woman longs to have a child but for physical reasons cannot, I say screw what other people think. Only you can live your life and only you know what would make you happy. Children are awsome.

Blinky Jill

Most infertile couples who adopt make wonderful parents. The "Gods Will" thing is rubbish. Women were put on this earth to multiply and the unfortunate people who are unable to do this for many different reasons should have every right to adopt.
My dearest friend who is a white women has had two stillbirths and two miscarriages and is now the proud Mother of her beautiful adopted son who's real Mother is from Zimbabwee.
Why leave a child with a Mother who does not want it when there a people out there who are desperate for a child. I am totally in favour of adoption.

opedial

I don't think that they can't be a mother, it may be they have to change their dreams. This includes adopting from foster care. If it was God's design that you not have children, (i don't believe that, not for myself, not for others), but if so, do you think God wants you to adopt a white newborn whose parents are capable of parenting, or children already waiting for parents.

One is an act to meet our needs, and the ohter to meet our needs but in doing so meeting others needs as well.

And yes, at times some people cannot have children, and then their dreams go a different way. Mine did, and I could not be happier iwth my thgree children adopted from foster care.

Tonia

It may be a sign from God, yes. What's the sign? Well, if infertile couples (or singles) want to be parents, it could be interpreted as God's way of saying to use your God-given brains and become parents in another way. If infertile couples (or singles) don't want to be parents, then don't.

May I also answer this: "What if the person is an Aetheist -- who/what would it be a sign from then?" Common sense; sixth sense; personal desires; hopes and dreams, etc.

rachelrmf@sbcglobal.net

I am infertile due to ovarian cancer at a young age. I am also adopting. I think that i along with some others have mis read some opinions around here. I thought people were bashing me by calling me unethical, but in reality some people just don't believe or agree with certain types of adoption. My adoption is a private pre-birth arrangement from a close family member, and yes I agree a foster child is probably in more need, but i think as a women I was approached with an opportunity and yes I am taking it Unless the mom decides to keep her child of course, And although i think i am in the right to accept this others just don't agree. They have their own reasons for it. Although I must admit You can enlighten someone who may be ignorant to a situation allot better with a bit of a nicer approach. I think one should do best for the child in each situation presented to them.
Not all women who give their child up for adoption are pushed into it, true allot are and on top of it if they change their minds they are to feel guilty for it. I don't agree that, a mom should be praised for wanting to keep her child, but please don't catergize every situation.

magic pointe shoes

Sorry, it goes hand in hand with all the people who say that it's God's will to give them a baby through adoption. God's will of suffering is apparently a two way street to wish that kind of pain and loss on a woman having the relinquish or abandon.

Bouvier

I guarantee you that most of the opinions you speak of come from adoptees themselves, not AP's who have "gone through" infertility. So, tell me, what should have happened to my daughter who was in foster care at 1 day old??? Should she have just remained there? Oh, I know, in A PERFECT WORLD she should have remained with her bio mother, right? That didn't happen.

What upsets me is people who judge others and have NO idea of what they have gone through. I would never judge someone who had a horrible experience occur in their lives, as a caring human, I would off what support I could.

God's will? Would God want adoptees to remain in the "system"? or would he prefer that they have first hand nuturing, un conditional love and support, protection, good care, good provisions including morals/good life lessons, respect, etc., etc.,

Would apoptees want to remain in the system? Some, maybe, however, I am sure most want "a family".

I am hurt that anyone would ever claim that my inability to carry a child is in some way my fault. That's a cruel thing to say.

@@@@@

I hope my question about god and adoption did not add to this. My question was an attempt to try and have people explain to me how they see god in the adoption/foster care/fertility lifecycle...

I wasn't saying it was god who made people like that. I was trying to understand how people could believe that because it seems harsh to me....

i 100% DO NOT BELIEVE it is "gods will" that people should be infertile, or should be hurt and in pain...it seems so harsh and cruel to me and that is what i was trying to understand....

sorry

maybe

Whether someone is infertile is irrelevant.

Adoption should exist ONLY for the sake of finding a home for a child who needs one.

Adoption is NOT about finding a child for people who want one.

Adoption is NOT about curing infertility.

Gaia Raain

Ok. Let's try this again.

One woman's uterus has nothing to do with another woman's uterus.

One woman's ability to have a child has nothing to do with another woman's ability to have a child.

One woman's desire for a child has nothing to do with whether or not another woman's uterus works.

Adoption IS NOT ABOUT INFERTILITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!â€¦

Adoption is about CHILDREN WHO NEED HOMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could care less if adoptive parents are fertile or not. Because that's not what adoption is supposed to be about. Other women's children do not exist to fulfill people's desires. The fact that one woman cannot create her own children does not mean someone else needs to give one up. If a child needs a HOME, then whoever is willing to stand up and take care of that child, and get informed about meeting ALL of that child's needs, is who should adopt. I could care less if their "parts" work. Because that has nothing to do with a child needing a home.

Are you getting this yet? It's not about the adults wanting a child - it's about the child needing a home.

ETA: Ok, I misunderstood then. I'm not going to judge anyone for being infertile. I don't even care if it was thier fault due to age or weight or whatever. Chances are, they didn't do it on purpose, even if they did cause it. My point is that infertility has nothing to do with adoption. I feel very deeply for people who are unable to create their own children - I've been there (or thought I was). But that has nothing to do with adoption. If the question is "should infertile people be made fun of", the answer is no, of course not. But if the question is, "should infertile people not adopt", the answer is I don't care - adoption isn't about them anyway. I just get so tired of people mixing these two completely separate issues, because it ends up that women who could easily parent are convinced to give away their children simply because someone else wants him/her - and the kids who need homes are left to languish in the system because they're not the shiny new babies that someone who is infertile wants to "experience". Puke. Sorry...it's an emotional topic.

â™¥ Animal Luvr â™¥

Absolutely not! If anything, I would say that infertile couples that wish to be parents are destined to be adoptive parents. What could be better than giving a poor lonely child a real loving home with real parents? There are millions of orphaned kids in the world and if they could even change one life by giving a child a home, that is one less child restricted to a life of poverty and devastation. Even if someone waited too long to have a child or made a bad choice as a young teen to have an abortion and became infertile, they should still adopt if they are able to and want to. However there is one time that I don't think someone should be able to adopt...that is when someone has multiple abortions at an age where they know what they are doing, therefore they become infertile. In my opinion this is really sick, and a baby killer should not have the opportunity to take another baby.

Serenity71

I was judged often by women who could fall pregnant at the drop of a hat and that was many years before we adopted our first child. They were the only ones that talked about adoption like it was desperate choice couples made. Funny that they who have never looked into adoption or anything that we with it- became experts on adoptive families and infertility. They are often the ones that talk about how we 'saved' our kids, and how 'lucky' they are some would have them. And some have brought god into it in their comments.

I agree with Myst, we should be separating adoption, fertility issues and abortion and not bringing god into the debate.

If we must bring god into it, (I'll try and answer your question.)
Could it be that some women weren't geared to raise biological children. He had another purpose for us and in some cases we needed to know and understand the pain of loss to be able to parent a child that could feel it in their lives and respect a woman who couldn't parent her own for whatever reasons that caused her to give up her baby. (I know its not all the same, but loss is still an empty place in your heart. I did lose five babies in thirteen years. My kids were not adopted to fill that space. God made sure of that.)

Before I get shot down in flames let me finish.

Some were most likely meant to raise children who needed parents and home, and they needed to be open minded enough to do it. .

Unfortunately not all people 'get it' when it comes to god's will in this area. They feel they have go out and find a struggling pregnant woman and the way they help her is to take the child away.... Force her give up her baby because they misread god's message to them.(BSE era, good example of misreading gods message.)

Others do get it... they see that its not their right, they read a lot before they step foot into an agency. They read about birth mothers, and adoptee's, and learn about how it affects all parties involved. They can soon see whats the right way to approach adoption. Often these people don't need to parent newborns, and they know a woman needs space to make her choices.

(If its a baby left in the hospital that needs a home, then god will place the child with a couple who can look after him/her in foster care until a decision is made about the babies future. Sometimes it is adoption, sometimes not. ) They ask for guidance, and he show's them where to find the kids he really wants them to care for and raise. Children in foster care.... orphans, older kids waiting to be adopted because they want to be. Some become foster parents...

I don't know if i explained how i feel in writing about it in a way that you can understand, but I did try.

If i could say god guided me honestly I can say YES,(subtly, gently,the odd prod when he knows I'm headed in the wrong direction to get me back on track.) For me Christianity is a personal journey, I don't need to go and preach to be loved by God. The god I know, father of Jesus (Who loves children and doesn't judge) loves all of humanity, and is a gentle loving god.This is the most talk I've done in a long time relating to my faith.
I feel actions speak louder than words anyway.(That's why in RL I am asked often about it by people who know they can talk freely with me about why they don't have a faith without me trying to save them or push them to church. )

cmc

I don't think anyone should assume they know what God wants for someone else. I've seen these comments too, and am really put off by them. I have a friend who had a hard time getting pregnant and basically gave up because she thought it was "God's will". Luckily she did get pregnant (much to her surprise) and they have a beautiful son, and are great parents. I could never push her to get fertility treatment, but it would have been sad if she and her husband had missed the chance to be parents.

I'm an adoptive mom with fertility issues, and certainly don't want to be judged by someone who thinks they know God better.

why do i smell poop?

Anyone who could be so judgemental need to be slapped. I cant believe that anyone would presume to judge women with fertility problems like that. Anyone who's fertile and able to carry a healthy baby to term should be beyond grateful that they are healthy enough to do that, because as we know, infertility is a problem in more women than you think. I hope I never come across a woman who has the nerve to judge a poor woman like that, or worse, say that it's a sign from god that they shouldn't have children. what the f**k do they know?! are they talking to god personally and having discussions about infertile women behind their backs?? I'm sorry, this issue always gets me steamed.

Fertile and healthy women be grateful for what you have, and dont you dare, ever, judge the women who are not as fortunate as you.

grapesgum

The notion that infertility is a sign from god that people should not be parents is ridiculous. It is as ridiculous as adoptive parents who say that god will lead or led them to "their" baby.

Carnie C

hmmm, would their logic apply to a parent who has a child born with a genetic and terminal disease mean the parent is being punished by God?

I have seen the mentality that you speak of. It makes me want to relieve my stomach of its contents.

What if the person is an Aetheist -- who/what would it be a sign from then??

Sofiakat

-if your home burns down does that mean that God does not want you to live in a building?

-if your dog gets run over by a car does that mean that God doesn't think you should have a dog?

-if your car breaks down, does that mean that God doesn't think you should own a car?

-if you get cancer, does that mean God wants you to die so therefore you should forgo treatments?

There are many reasons for infertility. There are many reasons for adoption (some ethical, some not so much).
They SHOULD NOT be intertwined. And they certianly should not be meshed with the ideology that God lets things happen because you are unworthy.
A child that needs a home needs a home. A couple who is infertile is infertile. Altho I can see where these two things get meshed, it is sad and unfortunate.

DevonChaos

I don't think fertility has anything to do with ones ability to parent. My problem comes from any adult who thinks that they are owed a child and therefore thinks its okay to do whatever they feel neccessary to get said child. This isn't exclusive to infertile people. This is a problem that I see in many adults.
I have been very lucky to be fertile. I am quite thankful that I have 5 healthy children. I understand that not everyone is able to have such wonderful luck in this area.
My adoptive mother wasn't lucky enough to be fertile, and she and my father adopted me from an agency. She wasn't infertile because of something she did, it was genetic and hereditary. She and my father were able to parent, which was a dream of theirs.
I think that there are people out there who shouldn't have children, and it has nothing to do with their body's function in that area.

myst1998

I do not feel God plays a part in a woman's or man's infertility. I also feel it shouldn't be linked to adoption... they really are two seperate issues.

It is devastating when people who desperately want children find out they can't have them. I think it is unfair to say to them they then shouldn't adopt because they were obviously not meant to have children. Life doesn't work that way... "The rain falls on the good and the bad alike" This saying is so true... there are many people out there who are not fit to be parents (eg child abusers etc) and yet can have babies easily and there are many people who would make wonderful parents who can't. What I am against, is people taking matters into their own hands and forcing things when they shouldn't be forced.

Adoption, infertilty and abortion are three subjects that seem to be lumped in together oh and then God is added to the mix. Instead of intelligent solutions, you get one giant mess. Separate out the three and leave God out of it... we might get somewhere.

Oh and this question was a fair one... I agree, we shoudn't be so judgemental of each other.

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