Infertility + Adoption = Selfish?

It isn't wrong. You are not selfish. There are just a lot of people who come on here to comment, who must have had a bad adoption experience or something. I really don't know why they say those things. Possibly they think agencies are doing it for profit or something. I think adoption is great.

evertastica

It is deffinately not. I'd rather say that being infertile and then wasting tons and tons of money on treatments and other options just to have a biological kid is more selfish than adopting.

Candy Corn

infertility+childlessness=accepting REALITY!!!

monkeykitty83

It's not selfish to be infertile and also adopt. However, it IS selfish to adopt BECAUSE of infertility out of a desire to replace the child you couldn't have, because adoptees are people in their own right, not objects to be used to try to fix someone else's problems.

If you adopt a child, it should be because the child needs a home and you have a true desire to parent this child. Not to fill a void in yourself.

Adoption and giving birth are different. Once you've processed and grieved your infertility, you may make a wonderful adoptive parent. Saying you felt this way "instantly" worries me, though.

I think you need to take some time, come to terms with the loss of your fertility, and do lots of research about adoption before you even consider it. If you discover adoption is what you really desire, at that point you should go ahead without guilt. But if it feels like a second choice or settling, you shouldn't bring a child into that situation, because every child deserves the best of their parents, not the leftovers.

Infertility is part of your own journey, and that's just a fact, not selfishnesses. It would be selfish to make it part of your adoption, because that would place the burden on the child.

Glen F

I suggest you find out where the babies come from (not the biology), how is it that a mother is willing to let her baby go to others. I have seen and heard "I could never do that!" said by Mothers. Who among us would be willing to give our child for adoption? If it was a rule in adopting that if you adopt a baby and then become pregnant you must give your child to some who is infertile, would you do it? It's only right that every infertile person wanting to adopt should get to, right?

7rin

When it stopped being about finding homes for kids, and started being about biiiiiiiiiiiiiig businness and $$$$$$$$$. For example, this is how the adoption industry finds out how to convince people to abandon their kids: http://www.divinecaroline.com/22095/39676-national-council-adoption--mothers--money-

I don't know anyone who's sane who'd say that research in order to help convince people to abandon their kids is a good thing, but perhaps you think it is - if so, I'd love you to be able to explain to me why you think it is good for millions of $$$$$$$$ to be spent trying to convince people that the best thing they can do is hand their own kids over to someone else just because they're poorer than those funding such business, or younger.

If you want to get into helping out kids who actually need help, then look at your local fostering service, and ask them what help they need, 'cause that's where the kids who actually NEED the help are languishing - but if you're all about getting your mitts on teh coot ickle baybee, then yup, I'd put you in the selfish bracket 'cause it's the coot ickle baybee sales (and they are "sales") that're preventing the kids in foster care from finding the parents they'd love to be able to have.

Nose around and follow ALL of the links provided in the questions and answers around here. Trust me, you'll either learn a lot (and so potentially be one of the best non-biological parents around), or you'll come running back in screaming at us all for being so awful and ungrateful and don't we know we were saved from the dumpster/abortion/the green giant with the pink ballet dress on. :)

LittleMarcia456

Since when is Adoption selfish? What on earth are you talking about?

Kelly M

when it became a billion dollar a year child trafficking industry.

Diya

Ok, first up, I'd just like to say how disgusting it is that someone's actually suggesting you CHEAT to get pregnant.

And secondly, if you're adopting because you want to give someone a home, it isn't selfish.
If you're adopting because you want a kid, it is selfish.

But hey, having a biological child is selfish. You're having a baby for YOUR happiness, right?

BlueJay

Who says that anyway??? That is just "Bah, Humbug" stuff! If those people don't like something, that's fine---and they are entitled to their opinion, but why run around trying to ruin something good for someone else? I guess it all depends on what you have experienced in your life up to now. It probably isn't too selfish from the perspective of the adopted child who longs for a family to love. they should muzzle up and live and let live. Best wishes to you for adoption.

Big Happy Family

dont stress its not wrong, its i actually think its a very giving thing to do i mean your opening your heart and soul up to let an unwanted baby /child into your life that needs a home how is that wrong.
putting a baby in a shoe box and leaving him/her for dead is selfish and wrong not adopting ........ who cares what other people say anyway i thinks its a wonderfull thing to do and you must very generous people..... take care..

Pip

If you want to adopt because you're doing so to give a child a loving home then no it isn't selfish.

If you want to adopt because wanting a child is very important to you then yes it is.

Adoption used to be about finding homes for children but now it's more aabout finding children for couples. There are children who will remain in foster care because of their ages yet babies are snapped up.

chewytulip

If you want to give a child love and support and a good life then it's not selfish.

Everyone's experience is different. Some people have had bad experiences with adoption. A LOT of people have had good experiences with adoption. I would read everyone's experiences and learn from them. Don't let a few people's bad experiences stop you from adopting if that's what you think is what you and your husband should do.

AdoreHim

Adopting is not selfish at all. If there is a birth mother that chooses not to parent, what WOULD be selfish is if that woman aborts her baby? Husbands and wives that cannot have their own biological children are supposed to be punished so they cannot have children through adoption? I understand what you say though, it does seem that adoption is a bad word today, which it is not. Adoption became wrong when abortion was legalized. SAD THING but true.

catay

it's not selfish,as long as your husband is ok with it.

Claire

I've always preferred idea of adoption over having biological kids for various reasons but I doubt it will actually happen for me due to my husband's feelings, which I respect. I don't see how wanting to love a child can ever be wrong. There's always going to be difficulties to it and people for who it doesn't work out. But there's always also going to be a lot of children who need an adoptive parent, for whatever reason.

I have to say that plenty of people get messed up by things - adoption is a big thing in a person's life and its very easy to blame that, when in reality if life had taken the same person a different route they could be just as messed up but for different reasons. Every case is different and bad experiences are going to happen but there's bad experiences throughout life. You can't have a blanket response to ban them all as that also leds to others having a potentially worse experience. And the truth is that no one knows what the alternative 'what if' would have been - and everyone in life has them to some extent and has to deal with them.

There are ways and means to challenge problems in the system. Calling people selfish and making them feel guilty about it, especially at a time which can be highly emotional isn't right, productive and it doesn't actually solve the problems involved. It causes hurt and pain too. I think anyone who discourages prospective parents from it, really needs to take issue with regulation and administration of adoption and not parents as its the children most in need to loose out by being so anti-adoption in this manner and trying to put off people from doing it. Its completely the wrong approach and is selfish in itself - its putting someone's own emotional problems and dumping them on someone else rather than trying to deal with them and rather than trying to change a flawed system rather than a flawed act.

Yes there should be a dialogue and discussion about such things but he has to be done sensitively - even by those who suffered in the experience to give a true and balanced view of the reality of adoption. This is why you shouldn't listen to people who shout about it being selfish. They have their own agenda and issues just as much as anyone else might do in the process.

Make up your own mind and go in with your eyes open if you think its for you. Don't be emotionally blackmailed either way.

cmc

Adoption is not selfish. However there are ethical issues to consider when adopting. There are those working in adoption who pressure women to relinquish their child in order to make money. Some people will tell you that this is everyone working in adoption - but I don't think this is the case. However it is important to keep your eyes open during adoption (foreign or domestic) and be sure that those involved really are ethical. For a domestic adoption in the US the mother has the right to decide to parent her child or to relinquish. I'm not against pre-birth matching (matching potential parents with an expecting mother) but the mother needs the option of changing her mind. It is her child, and only she can decide what is right for that child. That means adoptive parents do take a risk of being disappointed. With international adoption you need to be aware that baby stealing and baby selling really does happen - and avoid any situation that looks like this.

falloutgurl

you're not being selfish

fastbob

Who says your being selfish ???,,If you can offer a home to a child that doesnt have one then whats wrong with that !!!

What does it matter what others think anyway !!!

cricketlady

It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks---they won't be there with you through the thick and thin of it all. Many children will always be available and waiting for a home---if you can help one or or a large sibling group then go for it. But remember no one said it would be easy and when it isn't you will be the one who smooths the way for a child or children. The number of children waiting for a home/ a life grows steadily each passing week.

Anita Blake

Who said adoption is selfish? If you can't have children biologically, it's amazing to give a parentless child a loving home.

tish_part deux

adoption, IMO can be selfish. it can also be the best for the child (especially in abuse, neglect, older children...). where the waters get murky, is when:

1) people want to "pick and choose" the baby they want
2) people engage in questionable adoption practices, just to get a new baby
3) people ignore the thousands of available children in foster care who need a home
4) people "prematch" to pregnant women who are trying to work through a difficult situation, or might be coerced to relinquish
5) people feel obligated to a baby who is not born
6) people use their infertility as a reason to trump any feelings that the mother or child might have concerning the adoption
7) people don't "back off" when a young woman becomes ambivalent; yet become more aggressive about getting the baby.
8) people are willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars for the "perfect baby"; or are willing to take a minority or special needs baby, because they are cheaper (pricing humans based on "qualities" is tantamount to human slavery, which as you can imagine, bitterly resonates with me)
9) people NEVER consider adoption until after they find out they are infertile.

i can go on....

Ohiogirl

Not every infertile couple who wants to adopt are selfish! It is selfish to only think of yourself when adopting. Now, if you want to adopt because you are thinking of the child first, and then yourself second, you are not being selfish. There are many children in the US that need homes. I hope that you are not reconsidering adopting because of the things you read on YA. There are so many children in foster care that are longing for a family of their own. Keep looking into adoption. Do not let anyone keep you from achieving your dream.

Valentina

Adoption is NEVER selfish. It takes the most unselfish people to adopt a child and love the child as their own. I'm an adopted child and I cry every time I think or talk of how unselfish it was for these two people that never even wanted kids to open their home and hearts to me. The gave me everything and more to be sure that I had a wonderful life. They still do. I was born to a 15 year old drug addict and went through 18 foster homes in the first 2 years of my life. My parents adopting me put a stop to a life that would have landed me god only knows where. I came to them a very damaged child but they loved me regardless and no love runs deeper than that. That is a love that could not possibly be selfish. I owe my parents my life. They are my world and no one will ever mean more to me than them. Adoption and selfish shouldn't even be used in the same sentence.

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