Is adoption the right thing to do?

NONAME

I think you would be making a childless family very happy if you gave them your baby. I agree with your reservations about going through a friend, go through an organization.
There are thousands of couples who would consider your child an absolute miracle.
As far as being the mothers sister, that might be pushing it...only because, she wants to think of it as her baby...and with you around it might be a little awkward. If you're going to give the baby up, you have to give it up completely. However, with open adoption you choose the family, and they will send you updates/pictures as often as you like.
Good luck-

Angela R

Only you can decide if adoption is right for this child, your family, and you. If you truely feel that you cannot provide for your child, and handle caring for another infant, then you may want to look into adoption, and do a lot of research to decide if this is the right decision. Adoption really is a good choice in some situations.

However, if you truely desire to raise this child, but money is the only obsticle, then you may want to look into financial assistance of some kind rather then adoption. There are many resources out there for those in your situation.

If you do decide on adoption, you do NOT need to be "matched" with a family before the baby is born. You can always work with an agency that will allow you to view adoptive parent profiles, but wait to choose a couple until after the birth. This way, if you do change your mind you will not have to complicate your decision by worrying about the adoptive families feelings, and they will never know that you were considering placing your child with them, so they won't have their hopes up.

Adoption.com has a very good forum for birthparents and those considering placing a child for adoption. There are many woman who've had a range of experiences, and I'm sure they can give you a lot of support and perspective.
http://forums.adoption.com/birthparents/

I wish you luck in this very difficult decision.

in COGNITO *

ONLY you can say if it is right for you. It sounds like you know what you want. I'm sure you can make it eitherway, and both come with sacrafice. Can you life with yourself if you do decide adoption?

Also many states don't have "open adoption laws" so be careful. I wish SO much to be close to my son's b-mom, but she's not ready. I think it's great that you still want to be THERE. It shows tha you're not looking for an EASY way out.

Good luck and don't forget to pray about this!
----------------
I am definately a Christian, but I do know that God doesn't always give you what you pray for. At least not the way you ask for it to be answeren. You don't know his plan. Yeah God will provide,but that could be financially, support, or a FAMILY FOR YOUR CHILD.

After my molare pregnancy and my husband losing his job I was $150,000 in debt and 20 years old. GOD provided alright. He allowed (by the law) for me to do bankruptcy, not but me winning $150,000. It was a great decisiona and it reminded me that God provides on his terms.

souljaboy4id

Well I think that adoption is wrong. its not the baby fault so i would say that you are doing the right thing. hope all will work out for you.

julie m

look in the phone book under lawyers that do adoptions and start calling them see if they have loving families in the area that are serious on the adoptions and you would like to meet with this lawyer first and see if this lawyer can help you out.. good luck

bugwales

fair enough money is a problem,but let me tell you how that child is going to feel knowing that he/she has been given away....as thats what it is giving your baby away.

im adopted,its hurts when you find out,and it hurts alot.
my birth mother already had 2 kids when she had me and after she gave me up for adoption she had another baby 5 years after me and kept that one.

there will always be a hole in the adopted childs life,always wondering what life would have been with natural family,there will alawys thoughts like...why,

when that child finds out that they have other siblings they will wonder...what did i do wrong to be given away.
to be adopted really messes with your head and your life,you feel abandoned.

i dont mean to sound horrible as if you really carnt cope with another child then thats your choice,but i wanted to let you know how an adopted child feels when they find out.they will then want to find birth parents and all kinds of answers and you have to be prepared to sit down with that child and explain,its a very hard thing to do,also you have to be prepared that when the child comes looking for you and you tell them the truth to why they were adopted you have to be prepared for that child to be angry,upset and maybe never want to see you after they get the truth from you.

there is so much to think about when you put a child up for adoption,i do wish you all the luck for your future,just make sure adoption is really want you want to do as it will be life changing.
i do apologise if you dont like what i have said but you must be made aware of whats to come in the future.

Amy B

My husband and I just adopted a beautiful baby girl in June after waiting 7 years trying to get pregnant or adopt. She is such a blessing to us and we love her birth parents very much. They found us through our agency's website on the internet and we have built a close relationship with them. We keep in touch via e-mail and phone calls at least weekly, sometimes more. They live 14 hours away so we don't see them often, though. We actually went out for a week to meet them and spend time with them a few months before the baby was born. I think it really helped them to have a relationship with us and meet us so they didn't have to feel like they were giving their little girl up to strangers.

I respect you for loving your child enough to want them to have a place where they can be provided for. Adoption is not cheap, so most likely an adoptive couple will have the means to provide all that you are hoping for your child to have. Best of luck with everything!!! Thank you for blessing the lives of a couple like us who can't get pregnant but long for a child more than anything! Adoption has been such a great blessing for us. Birthmothers truly are Angels!

Amy

mommy2squee

Ok.. First, you cannot worry about hurting the feelings of a potential adoptive family.

They KNOW going in that you may change your mind, and they are ready for that.

Second, it is NOT too much to ask for for a completely open adoption, where you are close to the family. My son's other mom and I are business partners now! We are just as close as I am to one of my sisters, and closer than I am with the other.

The one thing you have to remember, though, is that when you place, you give up ALL rights to make any decisions about that child. We ask our son's mom's opinion about a lot of issues, but when it comes right down to it, WE are the ones making the decisions. somtimes it's the major stuff, like braces (he needs them) but sometimes it is the little stuff, like which movies he is and isn't allowed to see. (Harry Potter 5 is right out.. he's too young.)

The other thing you need to know is that maintaining an open relationship is WORK. Hard work. There is great potential for misunderstandings and hurt feelings, and you have to PUT THOSE ASIDE, for the good of the child. You have to be prepared to put as much energy into this relationship as you put into your marriage.

One of the things that helped my husband and I most with our relationship with our son's mom was that we were in two different states at the time of placement, and so visits that first year were very few and far between. It gave us the space to bond as a family.

I've got to tell you , though, that your baby will ALWAYS recognize you. Our son recognized his mom's voice over the phone at six weeks old, when he had had no contact with her for four of those weeks, and he continued to recognize her voice, even when the space between calls spread out to three months.

Don't settle for less contact than you want, but be prepared to give the new family a little more space that first year.

One other thing to consider, is how this is going to affect your other children. They need to know that even though you are placing this baby for adoption, that you would never give one of THEM away. That you are not "giving the baby away," but helping another couple become a family. Talk to a counselor who specializes in children, and in adoption issues. (but NOT through the adoption agency!)

This is going to be the hardest decision of your life. Only you and your husband can make it.

If you would like to talk more about open adoption, and how much work it is, and what joy it brings, feel free to contact me privately, and I will be happy to talk to you, and to give you my son's mom's contact information.

BTW, we are NOT in the "market" to adopt at this time.. we simply cannot afford it.

H******

Please don't give your baby away! How will he/she feel knowing that you kept the others but gave him/her away - what will that do to the child's self-esteem? They may grow up feeling unworthy, unloveable, unwanted - these are lasting effects for adoptees, even when they reach adulthood and can see with adult eyes and logically understand the "reasons" it's hard to shake a lifetime of feeling unwanted.

Kids always blame themselves (take for example when parents get divorced) somehow the child always thinks it is somehow his/her fault! Well it's the same with adoption. They can feel that there is something wrong with them, to have made you give them away.

However much love they get from an adoptive family - it may be difficult to accept that love. I think this is what most adoptive parents don't 'get' - you know, that love and nurture is just not enough. It doesn't cut it. Not by a long way.

A close friend of mine has five kids. You'll manage; if you really want to.

Contrary to popular belief, money is not be be all and end all. Particularly to a child who only wants Mommy (the one he/she knows and feels secure with)

jade_frost82

I wish I had some magic answer for you, I wish I could say... do this, and everything will turn out perfect. I can't.
I can say that I am an adoptee, and adoption has been one of the hardest hurdles in my life to overcome. Its hard, it hurts, and it has affected the very person that I am. The very way that I live life every day.
Being an adoptee is tough, being a birth mom is tough. Look at the children you have now, could you imagine giving one of them away? Could you imagine one of them being raised by strangers, without any imput from you into their lives. Could you imagine not being there for birthdays, for christmas, for graduation or the first lost tooth?
I know that finacially, life is a struggle, I don't even have children and I know how hard it is to struggle finacially.
However, giving your child up for adoption because of a financial problem now, is using a permanent solution to solve a temporary problem. This is YOUR child, YOUR baby.
It WILL hurt, you WILL feel pain, you WILL miss your child, you WILL wonder whats going on in your childs life. Your child will also hurt, they will also feel the pain. Even in a perfect adoption situation there is pain. And what about when they are old enough to know that they have four siblings, all of which you kept?
I am just saying, its your choice, obviously. However, you need to think about htis, you NEED to know, for sure, that you are making the right decision. You need to understand and be able to deal with the pain, and the eventuality of your childs pain. Think about it, do the research, and make sure you are making the right decision for you AND your child!

Granny 1

Keep the baby and get your tubes tied.

Do NOT abandon your child. Some people like to pretty it up and call it "placing" or some other feel good word, but adoption is abandonment.

Are you prepared for your child to grow up hating you?

Being adopted is hell on earth.

Keep your child. Then get your tubes tied.

Sunny

Well, there are a couple desperadoes around here who would love to adopt your child--watch out!

I know you are pregnant, and maybe not thinking clearly ,(I know I wasn't) but you can't give your baby away! I grew up adopted, and it is an emotionally devastating experience.

No one can replace you and your husband in this child's life. Your children will be devastated, and the pain for all of you won't go away. My advice is to have a scheduled C-section with a tube-tie post baby 5. Or DH could get a vasectomy! Keep your baby--hubby won't leave, he can't afford the child support!

Oh, an 'open adoption' is a fallacy. Check out originsusa.org to read natural mothers' stories about promised arrangements that were never honored.

dol

You must keep your child. You will regret it forever if you don't. And who who knows, that child can bring you luck and improve your life. Pray hard. It works.

Possum

As an adoptee who has since found out that my parents married 6 months after my birth - and went on to have 3 children - there is a whole HEAP of saddness and loss for the children - both the adoptee and the children who are kept.

If monetary problems are concerning you - check out the Origins website for info on 'Help for parents' -
http://www.originsusa.org

Adoption in so many cases is just a long term fix to a short term problem.

Here are some links to relinquishing mother blogs -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=2804.0

Here are some links to adoptee blogs -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php?topic=2805.0

Prospective adoptive parents will sing the joys of adoption here and elsewhere - sadly - often - they just want your baby.

Please take some time to read the words, thoughts and emotions of those that have lived on the side of adoption that is about loss. The words from the 'birth' parents and the words of the adoptees.

You can parent this child - just as you have done so well with your first four.

Think of this child, yourself and your other family members first and foremost.

Look after what's best for all of you.

Justice

Adoption is often looked back on as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The closest thing to a perfect scenario is you and your husband and children making room for one more.

It's hard.

But it's better than the regret of being separated from your baby. Open adoptions frequently close. Your other children may have difficulty sharing with another baby, but it's better than living with the knowledge that one of them has been given away to someone else!

I wish some of these hopeful adopters could make room in their hearts to assist families rather than break them up.

fuzzykitty

keep the child, your heart wouldn't get over giving it up, your husband isn't thinking with a full deck at the moment , and yes it will be hard. But , most of the stuff you need for another child , you probably have already, Cloths and things , can be handed down, And you might consider a permanent form of birth control, like having your tubes tied.

Isabel A

It's true that not all adoptees have a problem with being adopted but the reality is that a child's entire life changes forever when they are relinquished for adoption. I have a different name and a completely different life than I would have had otherwise.

I would trade every birthday party I ever had to have known my natural parents and my brother and sisters when I was growing up.

Please give this some time and a lot of thought before you commit yourself to anything. You have time even after your baby is born to decide what you want to do.

Red Rose

If I were you I would keep the child. And get myself fixed after the birth. You have other children. I imagine it must be hard things being so expensive. But you have made the effort to care for the other ones. You should give the unborn one the same chance.

~~âˆžÂ§arah TâˆžÂ©~~

It seems in your situation it is best to find a way to work it out that you keep your child. There are situations where adoption is warranted (orphans) but not in yours friend.
There is aid to help people. There is NO REASON IN AMERICA that anyone should have to give up their child because they can't afford it!
I live in a 3rd world country where people make in a year what you probably bring home in two weeks and they keep their kids.

jessica300

The perfect family and the perfect scenario IS for your child to be with you and your husband and with your child's 4 brothers and sisters.

Do not worry about hurting someone else's feelings BEFORE you think about how your child will hurt at being separated from his natural family. How will that tiny baby feel without you, his mother? Your baby knows you, nobody else. Please do not turn over the trust and care of your infant to strangers. Even if YOU like these people, your baby only knows you, he or she does NOT know these people. There are so many studies on the harmful effects of mother/infant separation - I strongly encourage you to find a way to financially support this baby. Do not let pride stand in your way. If you need to ask for support from family, friends, or the government - get it! Raise your son or daughter with his or her siblings, mother and father. Even the best adoptive family is no substitute for your child's natural family - YOU!

Edited: Would you trade your mother for a mother who could give you a better birthday gift. Monetary gifts do not equal love. If you really can't put food on the table for this child, that is one thing, but don't assume that your child wants a toy over his natural family. Please try to put yourself in your child's place!

grapesgum

I strongly suggest that you and your husband read an article entitled "Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Considering Adoption" It was written by a mother who surrendered her child and had severe regrets. It is not anti-adoption - but it makes you think about many aspects of adoption in a straightforward and open way.

It can be found at:

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/wish.html

The most important thing is not to rush your decision.

waddell26

its a tuff decision to make. but if it was me i would keep the child because you might regret it later.just try to do the best you can

Gershom

If I may respectfully urge you to worry about your baby in uteros feelings before a possible adopters. Worry about how it will effect your child, his/her siblings, you and your husband.

Dont worry about the paps. Don't create a relationshpi with them. It sounds like you really want to keep your child, you just don't have the finances. Try parenting and see if it can work. If you need donations seek them, or state aid, or baby items etc.

You and your child and family deserve to be together.

amyburt40

We have a family of four with a two bedroom house. The girls share a room. My hubby and I share a room. I too am adopted. This will affect your children now and your child later. There will be horrendous amount of hurt and anger. I don't recommend this route. I am picturing myself in your child's shoes. I wouldn't like it. You can get help. There are resources out there. WIC, foodstamps, medicaid and so forth. You can get the help you need to support your family.

Stinky Pete

You have already found the perfect family for your baby, yours! I know people say God will provide and it seems hollow and empty. It is scary to be struggling and pregnant. I will not just say you can do it. I am willing to help you do it. Email me and I will find you resources. We will find help with clothes, food, emotional support and anything you need for this baby and your other children. The people here telling you to keep this baby are usually more than willing to help. I work with many groups that donate baby items and cribs to struggling families. Help is out here if you need it. All you have to do is accept it. I promise you will not regret keeping your baby.

snowwillow20

As a birth mother, I can tell you about the heartache you feel after you give your child up. Even with an open adoption you will feel heartache and when your 5th child comes to you and says why did you keep the first 4 and not keep me, nothing you will say will make that child feel better. I caution you to think long and hard about this decision and make the best one for the whole family and please get your tubes tied so you never have to go through this kind of pain again.

sarah314

You and your husband are the only ones who can make this decision.

I'd just encourage you to consider how your children will feel about this also. At the very least, your 8 year old is old enough to be aware of the fact that you're having a baby and giving him/her away. Which means that your younger children may find out about it through their older sibling one day, even though they are too young to understand now.

This doesn't mean that you shouldn't consider adoption, but you should carefully consider how you will handle your children's feelings about the issue. They may be confused or saddened about the loss of a sibling. Or, they may become frightened that they could be given up for adoption one day too. If you decide to give this child up for adoption, please make sure to address your other children's emotional needs about the situation.

Petra

First thing first I am prospective adoptive parent and I can assure you 100% without a doubt I am not trolling YA in search of a child especially one who has a loving mother who can take care of him/her. I would suggest waiting a little longer before making a decision a big and life altering as this. Maybe even speak with someone at life choices or use a link for some possible finacial help. If you can parent this child then I suggest you do so. I think if you relax and take a deep breath I think over the next month or so you will be able to make a decision with confidence. You might take this time to research ALL your options bith adoption and financial aid.. See if you can make it work.

Adoptionissadnsick

To your baby, the perfect family and perfect senerio is YOU.
As an adoptee I can tell you that all the ponies and presents did NOTHING to erase the ache that I felt for...that void, the emptiness.... do a lot more research about family separation.

Also, don't try to pick someone while you are pregnant. You are hormonal, and it is NOT your responsibility to give your baby as a "gift" to someone to "complete them" It's manipulative to you. Your baby deserves to be born and to look in your eyes and allow you to fall in love, because that baby already loves you. You are the only one he will never have to learn to love or trust.

Looking at the spacing of your children, my guess is you're not exclusively breastfeeding. If you could master that, this baby would be fairly inexpensive and it would help delay the return of your fertility.

I'm sorry it must feel so overwhelming right now. Check out my links for some assistance, or email me

www.keepyourbaby.com
www.antiadoption.org
www.adoptioncrossroads.com

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: