Is this normal for a parent?

winsterg

maybe twice a month but babysitting no way!

Brianna!

No, maybe once a year.
thats her fault for having the kid leading up to not being able to care for it.

het

i would let them see it but not babysit it. maybe bring the child up thinkin there the childs uncle or aunty. maybe name the child after the parent. something nice but tell them if they want to be a big part of the childs life maybe they should keep it.

German-Nigerian Girl

If they are the ones who agreed to the adoption then they should accept that you are the parent now. They can visit once or week or so but there is a reason why you are the legal guardian of the child and not them.

akki28@ymail.com

they could want it back or they might tell them bad thing abour you and they might want it back or it mi might prefer them because they are the real parents.

you have to love your baby and i think you should not really allow the real parent to see it. but if they love their baby then giveit to them because they are the real parents.

If I were to adopt the child, the biological parents would be cut completely out of the child's life. That's why you adopt, to give the child a better life. He/she will be confused as to who his/her parents are when he/she gets older otherwise.

â™¥Steffâ™¥

if you let them see the baby a lot the baby will get used to them instead of you. i would not let them see the baby more than once a week. if they couldnt take care of the baby before the adoption dont let them start.

paraflymore

This would most likely confuse the child. It would not be able to distinguish itself from you to the biological parent. If the biological parent wants to be in the child's life, there are numerous ways that they can keep the child and support it. They can contact the family center in town or ask for help from the community. I do not think this is normal. If you do decide to let the biological parent into the picture, leaving the child alone would not be beneficial to it.

A Landers

Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Little Light

no i would not until that child is older and knows whats going on and can make the decision on their own. i was adopted and would like to know my mom, but she is dead. my cousin adopted a child from his sister cause she couldn't take care of him and they made it very clear that she was not to have contact with the child until the 6 month waiting period was up and the adoption was legal. she still refers to him as her little boy, but they did not give her the option of naming the child or anything like that. I wouldn't do it you opening yourself up to a world of trouble in the long run. wait until he/she is 13 or 14 maybe even older and then introduce them. the thing is why would they put them up for adoption and then want to be with them that much. it will make that question very hard for the child.

i do like the idea of the earlier post of keeping them up to date through letters or email with pics. this could go both ways and then when the child is old enough they can make that decision for themself. but babysitting no way.

babycakes

well.... i don't think i would because, if you couldn't keep your child i would leave them with a family member or something but just because its still there child i think i would allow them to see there child occasionally but not all the time because some times it can affect or hurt the child.

baker_h

whether you negotiate a open or closed adoption is before the actual adoption, depending on what you want you need to be clear with the potential biological parents.

it depends on what you personally would want. if you dont think youd be comfortable with the biological parent stepping in often then should opt for a closed adoption... if you think you could handel the endless boundary crossing then open may be better :)

Tinzy

It would be nice if it could work out that way. But seriously that is gonna cause problems. First off why would parents that are unable to take care of this child and want to give it up want to see this baby weekly? Sounds like they need someone to take care of their child until they decide they are ready to take care of the child and then want full custody back. Not a good idea at all. Too many problems will arise for everyone involved in the situation. Especially that poor child that didn't ask to be born.

coopchic

I would allow them to view the child's upbringing with a few visits per year and from a distance with emails and photos but no more it would just be to confusing for the child and only confuse the biological mother more because she would not have some closure with her decision and that is vital for moving on and being content with the decision she made. I would not personally allow more than that.

jessica300

Well, we can see from all of the previous posters that infant adoption is all about the child, NOT:

â€œDepends on the comfort level of the adoptive parents.â€

â€œPersonal decisionâ€

â€œIt depends on what you would personally want.â€

â€œThe baby will get used to â€˜themâ€™ instead of you.â€ (who do you think the baby was used to for 9 months?)

â€œIt would not be able to distinguish itself from you to the biological parent.â€ (IT??? â€“ This is our son or daughter youâ€™re talking about and they were perfectly able to distinguish us from strangers the day they were born â€“ proven, scientific, FACT)

This just goes to show that paps/aps are NOT thinking about the best interest of the child - they are thinking about their best interest; this is not the same thing. No one here is giving any thought to what their adopted son or daughter might think.

Your adopted son or daughter deserves to have the biological connection from the beginning. There is no reason to severe mother/infant ties if there is no danger to the child.

I'm sorry, but I am disgusted with all of the selfish adults here who think mother/infant separation is fine and that they should insure it for their own comfort.

Serenity71

If that's the case fostering the child would be a better solution until you can find a way to bring the child back into your life and start taking responsibility for your childs emotional well being. (And telling the child you are an Aunty or Uncle is lying!!)

The kid would only end up confused by that kind of contact. I like my child's bio parents but no way are they baby sitting or living on my doorstep.

Adoption isn't co-parenting.

Shoot4TheMoon

I think that it depends on the comfort levels of the adoptive parents. They need to be honest with the child from day one though and they need to set clear guidelines regarding the biological parents' relationship with the child.

Lily

I believe that when you adopt there are certain things you agree to. If it is stipulated that the biological parent has all the rights you mention, then yes, you are obligated to fulfill these requirements. However if the parent wants all this i can only imagine it being very confusing and not healthy for the child or for the adoptive parent. As the child grows they'll have more and more problems identifying the parent/ authority figure. Worse, the biological parent may want to impose his/her rights in disciplining, faith (religion), education, etc. You had might as well just look over a niece or nephews shoulder, because that's the role you'd play as adoptive parent in this case.

Maria18

There is the high possibility that they might want to intervene with your parenting choices, and it may also become a problem when the child is a teenager, during those terrible " I hate you mom" stages when he or she could be very easily influenced and run off to thier 'other' parental figure.

I don't completely appose the idea, but for you as the adoptive parent, the one with the legal alligations deffinately should set boudaries! Don't allow the biological parent to become overally involved if you don't want to. You will have legal gaurdianship so if the visitation becomes too much and is having negative effects on the child or on your child-parent relationship than you can pull the plug at any time!

I was adopted and am 21 years old and havn't yet met my mother, but I am just now starting to explore my past, and find myself wondering a lot of things that I just can't answer without having to talk to my biological mother. It is a painful process and eventually the child will grow up and wonder, maybe even want to meet the biological mother, why not at a younger age?

anonymous

I would not allow the birth mother/father to be a part of the child's life when the child is an infant, toddler, and preschooler. The child needs time to bond and attach to his/her caregivers - the adoptive parents. Birth parents who need that kind of frequent contact are not ready to give their child up for adoption. In this case, the birth parents should pursue foster care or relative adoption or try to make it work so that they do not have to put their child up for adoption. When the child is older, it would be important to meet and learn about his/her birth families and have questions surrounding the adoption answered. Even at an older age, I would still not be in favor of visits several times per week and on weekends and babysitting. I would instead encourage a more distant relationship with only occasional visiting/contact.

Kristen

I think thats great. It shows maturity and responsibilty. They understand that what they did they were not prepared for and can not provide for the child themselves. Wanting to be in the life is normal I would think as long as they aren't posing risks or dangers of any kind...

Mike M

It would be very unusual for adoptive parents to even know the history of the baby e.g. who its biological parents are, unless it was a relative adoption. Likewise, parents who have given up a child or who have had their child removed from their care for legal, health, safety reasons usually wouldn't know where their child is as the agencies involved are subject to very strict privacy laws. When the child becomes an adult, records can be opened and contact established, usually by a third party.

If however, you are talking about fostering a child, then this is a totally different situation as foster children are usually in foster care as a temporary measure and the privacy laws may not be quite as strict and court ordered parental visitation rights are sometimes imposed in which case, you would have very little say in the matter.

As I previously mentioned though, if you knew the biological parents and they knew you were adopting their child, it would be a matter for you to work out with them what is comfortable. I believe though, that once the adoption process is complete, the biological parents forego any rights to the child. Courts can however determine if the rights of the child, and the onus is usually on the child's rights and not the parent's, require some sort of contact.

It can be a very messy situation when it comes to adoption.

Lori A

If you want what is best for the child you would consider letting the child have contact with their first parents.

If all the gang and drugs and blah blah blah.... is an issue, then no.

BUT if you can open your heart and accept another persons child then you should consider opening your heart to the people who provided your child for you and determine that it is in the best interest of this child to have some form of contact with them. It just might save you money in the long run paying for alll the therapy your child is going to need for attachment disorders.

They are going to be an ever present part of your life anyway because of your child, you need to decide if that presence is better delt with in person and on a civil level or constantly lurking in the shadows and causing drama, resentment or insecurities in you

. Refering to them as aunts and uncles and distant relatives is a lie and it isn't going to pan out in your favor later on. When the lie is found out YOU are the liar.

If you start in the very beginning then the child will accept it like anything else. They ask questions you explain.

Example: Why is the sky blue? Why do I have to tie my shoes? Why do I have two mommy's?

Each situation is different, each amount of contact is different, but it shouldn't be about the parents and their feelings. If the first mother has a problem then explain it, or your going to be the one with the problem in your childs eyes later on, an insecurity problem, a possive problem, a fear of losing your childs affection, which just re-enforces nature vs nurture.

If your child is going to bond with you they will. If they aren't it won't be because you let them be around their first parents. It will be because they simply have not bonded with you.

jeni5844@yahoo.com

it's THEIR baby. hello.

Seth

WOW! tough situation, i would have to do some research and review the parents past. If its just because of financial reason then i don't really see to much of a problem with it. But if it is because drug addictions or criminal reason then no! you don't what your adopted child to have interactions to this sort of things, it will only cause complications in the future, possible the child going down this same road or either getting possible hurt during the visits or babysits.

littleJaina

This sounds like a fairly healthy way to manage an extremely open adoption and make sure the child has the best of both worlds! Remember, once the adoption is final, there isn't any reversing of it - but that's no reason to lock out the child's roots. If the biological parents are responsible and healthy, and just not in a position to raise the baby, then I don't see why not. You could even let them be the God parents, or treat them as very close aunts/uncles.

ADDED AFTER READING OTHER RESPONSES:

Yes, it is important to make sure these people are good to be around the baby. However, you didn't mention anything about them being drug addicts or gang members or into some sort of crazy criminal underworld.

Two, setting boundries is also important, and they should be agreed upon ahead of time. What will the child call the biological parents, for instance, is important to decide. Also, you have to make clear that certain parenting decisions are yours alone. (For example, dicipline, religion, etc). However, people have disagreements over child rearing all the time with aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and friends. Since once the adoption is final, the child "belongs" to the adoptive parents, I don't see why this would be a huge issue. As long as the biological parents recognize that you have the final say, they're no more dangerous to the child than an indulging grandparent.

In addition, many people have brought up points about the child being "confused". It is possible that the child will be confused about certain social constructions during the early part of life. Having "two moms" or a "bio mom and adoptive mom" or a "mommy and Aunt Carol who gave birth to me" isn't usually a problem for the child until they realize that not everyone else has this. THEN you will have to have some conversations. Of course, since this is an adopted child, you'd eventually have to have some conversations anyway. I think the confusion in the early years is a very small price to pay for the firmer identity this may give the child in later years. I never believe in denying a child love from any angle.

The one thing I would caution you about is to make sure the parent's commitment is firm. It may even be best to draw up a formal agreement. What they're wanting sounds great, but likely they'll want to wean off (if only for their own closure issues) as the child gets older - to maybe one or two visits a week, or a couple of times a month. However, it's important to make them realize that they can't "come and go" in the childs life. Children need stability. If they want to be a part of it, that's GREAT. However, if they start disappearing for months on end with no explanation and then wanting to pop in again like nothing happened, you may need to put a stop to it.

...

If that is what they want, then why not?

People divorce all the time and make such agreements, so why not FPs and APs?

Snoopy

This is an incredibly personal decision. If the adoptive parents are willing, and the biological parents are interested, this may make the process of understanding/accepting the adoption easier when the child is old enough to understand what is going on. Kudos to you for taking on this responsibility and to the biological parents for recognizing that they are unable to care for this baby, but still wanting to be involved. That shows some signs of maturity.

trying2behelpful

We have an open adoption and our bio mother babysat our little girl once for a few hours. We got to know her really well and weren't intimitated by it. We only see her every 3 months and there is no question when we are together that I am her mom, I make all the parental decisions. The bio mom doesn't step on my toes at all. I love the fact that my daughter has such a close relationship with her birth mom. I can tell her all I want that her b. mom loved her so much that she wanted to give her a mom and a dad, but she may think I am telling her that just because I am her mom. I love the fact that she can hear it directly from her birth mother's mouth.

Granted we have a very mature birth mother and we got to know her really well and trust her, but this is our experience and it works for us. Everyone is different. Every situation is different. Follow your gut instincts and I am sure you will do great!

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