My seven-year-old adopted daughter is asking about her birth parents!?

annhellicah

Shes only 7. What ever you do dont be straight with her now.

personally i would sugar coat it a child that age dosent need to know all the details at the moment all i would say to her is her mummy is with the angels or depending on your own beliefs (at rest) and say that you dont know where her daddy is but explain that these people may not be around but are special because they made a special beautiful little girl i would tell her around the age of 12 or 13 the whole story but its really up to you good luck

tell her Mommy got sick and went to be the Jesus/ And when she gets older you could tell her more about the disease she had. Right now, I don't think its bad if she knew it was AIDES but frankly I would fear uneducated person might say something unkind if she shared it with them. As for the father, don't know what to say there. If it were me, fI would just tell her I don't know, they didn't know where you got her.

climber girl

SUGAR COAT it
i don't think any 7 year old needs to understand aids!
that just seems cruel

muddlingalong

Given what's going on at the moment..........I would suggest that now is not the right time to be talking about this.

JustMe

You could tell her just a little, like what her mom's name was and that you do not know her father's name and then explain that when she is older (give her an approximate age) you will talk more about it.

Nora

tell her they died so you adopted her. when she is about 16 you can tell her about aids

Torrejon

If she is old enough to ask the question, she is old enough to hear a truthful answer.

I like the idea of another poster telling her simply that her mom died of "an illness." Be prepared to comfort her while she grieves (how would YOU feel if you were told your mom had died?) and to dispel any fears that she (or you) might die of an illness.

Space Gazer

Tell her the truth. She deserves to know about her real parents.

Beverley G

I was told at 8 and i understood. When i was 18 went into more detail, got my records etc. Turns out i was a result of a rape. Dont think i would have understood that bit at 8! But better to be honest about her birth parents, and any grizzly bits leave for her to find out. My parents told me i was more special as i was choosen....lol!

R.M.G!

"Where"?
Is she asking if they are in Heaven, or Hell?
That's a very heavy question to deal with.
You need to use your best judgment on that.
There's no purpose in "condemning them" in her eyes.
I'd think it would be best to guide her in a positive direction.

Pip

Be honest with her as she is old enough to understand.

My great grandmother died when I was 6 years old and my parents told me in a way that I understood but without upsetting me.

allie_gator_opps

Tell her the truth. Tell her that her mommy was sick and died of a terrible disease and her birth father isn't known.

I think its important that you tell her from the start what her mom died of, in kid terms, of course.

Diane

I think you should always answer a child honestly....that doesn't mean she needs to know all the details at once. Just slowly....and let her ask each question...don't try to rush ahead and tell more than she can handle at a time. In my experience, and I am an older woman, adopted children have less problems when they are fully informed as time goes by. Secrets are never good, but need to be told in a calm fashion, and where apologies need to be made or expressed again please do that. Just because we are older doesn't mean we can't apologize to our children (I'm not saying there is something to apologize for, it was just another thought)...it actually gains respect for the adult. Put everything in it's very best light honestly and you will do fine.

Flower

Never not say anything she has a right to know about her familial background
at that age children are aware of the concepts of death she will understand
tell her that her mother had passed away ( an if religous you might say she is with god now)
and that she was verry ill and could not take care of you but did what she thought was best for you by bringing you here with us!
and that your verry sorry that you could not tell her much about her father but that her father is unknown and there is nothing you know much about him

adoptive mom

Answer her questions honestly as she asks them. In time she will get all the information as she asks questions. By doing it this way, you don't overwhelm them with information at one time and it helps them to know that they CAN ask questions and it will be okay.

jupiteress

I you ignore her question you will cause her to distrust you. Be honest with her because when she does learn the truth again its a trust issue. It is easy enough to tell her mummy was a lovely lady but she developed an illness that she never recovered from. If she asks what was wrong with her you must say AIDs. You can say you don't know how she caught AIDS, this I think is true, because you don't know. Asking how can it be caught you could say it is transferred from one person to another through contact with blood. Be honest about the daddy. Yes you must have had a daddy but no one knew who he was and your mummy never said who he was.
7 year olds do remember so be honest.

Nessa

You need to tell her because she deserves to know. Just tell her the truth. Tell her, her mums name, and that you didnt know her father. Also you dont need to go into details about how her mum died, but you could just tell her that she died of an illness. When she is older (around 16) and she can fully understand then you can tell her the full truth.

Rosie

Erin L had a great answer.

She is more than old enough. Do you have the language skills to tell her in her own language? That would really, really, really, help. If she had someone to talk to in her own language, you would be surprised at how much she would open up emotionally.

and be sure to tell her that her mother couldn't take care of ANY child as sick as she was. It wasn't something about her. They have magical thoughts at that age and think they cause things and that causes them guilt.

Is she HIV+ as well? you will need to start discussing that with her very soon if she is.

Tee

We adopted our son at birth (his birthmother was 16 and no father was ever identified) he is 14 now. Just answer the question she asks honestly and age appropriately. When they ask is when they are "ready". As my son grew he asked questions and we just answered them honestly without elaboration. About age seven he asked "where is the dad that made me?" to which I said "we dont know honey" and that was that. Of course he has full information now as he is growing up and has asked deeper questions. I would never conceal her origins from her, that is her history and she has a right to know it, good or bad, just like we all do. good luck!

*â™¥* donna *â™¥*

Tell her the truth, ie im really sorry your mummy died, no need to tell her how, and we don't know about your daddy. If you lie or sugar coat it it or lie it will just come back to bite you when she is older.

bluebonnets1952

be honest with her, tell her , her mommy was sick and died and she never told anybody who her father was. don't elaborate in details unless she ask for them. by hiding from her questions you may give her the impression something is wrong with her. if she is old enough to ask the questions she is old enough to hear the answer. you haven't hidden the adoption from her so tell her the truth, she will then ask more questions but just answer the questions on her level, keep it simple.

Erin L

Age 7 is "old enough to understand". 7 year olds understand the concept of family, both genetically and who they're living with. They have some understanding of conception, etc. It is her life. Do not withhold information, although do present it in age appropriate ways. She is old enough to know that her biological mother died and that her biological father is unknown. You do not have to go into gory details about AIDS, but she should know that her biological mother had a serious illness and died. When talking about her biological family, she is probably trying to figure out the WHY for her relinquishment. If you know that, tell her in age appropriate terms. And whatever it is, stress that it was due to ADULT PROBLEMS and nothing she did wrong. Show her pictures of her biological mother if you have any. If you don't, wonder with her what they look like ( eg: "Do you think your biological mom had beautiful, shiny hair like you?") ask her if she wants to draw a picture of what she thinks her biological parents look like. If there is information you don't have that she wants to know, you can suggest that she write a later asking them questions that she would send if she were able to.

These are some suggestions. Take your clues from your daughter with how much information and talking she wants to do at a time, but always give little reminders that the door is open.

I know that you are having attachment and behavior problems. Being open with your daughter about her life is one way to gain trust and build a bond. Finding out what is going on and helping your daughter sort through her thoughts about her biological family could help with behavior problems. It is GOOD that your daughter is asking you these questions. Keep the dialogue open and build trust. Be safe for her as a person to ask questions and share feelings.

parental unit

Tell her the truth. You do not know who her daddy was, and her mommy was too sick to take care of her, so she came to live with you. She should be allowed to mourn her parents, even if she does not remember them they were an important part of her life.

Andraya - Snark's Sister

Dear Lord, you really don't know how you should respond to this? Wow. I had it worked out in my head before I finished reading your question for crying out loud, and I'm suppose to be a horrible parent since I'm one of those "bad girls" who couldn't keep her legs closed...

You say,

Honey I know you have had a lot of change in your life and are wanting to know about your natural parents, I can only tell you what I know but if you ever want to know more I will do EVERYTHING in my power to help you find the answers you need. Your mother was very sick and, sadly, she passed away from her illness. (Then tell her everything you do know about her, what colour her hair and eyes were, how tall she was, where she was raised, anything you know about her family etc.) I wish I knew more about her to tell you. We don't know anything about your father because your mother didn't put his name on your birth certificate. One thing I do know for sure is they both must have been amazing people to have had a daughter as wonderful as you are.

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