My young daughter just found out she is pregnant, I've worked through the initial shock, and I'm working with

TIMOTHY and NIKKI C

we are foster-adopt parents and we have thought about this open and closed so many times and we both honsetly believe that open would be the best.because what if something happens with the baby's health....we would at least know that we could call and ask if this problem runs in the family,ect.also then the baby would have a someone that it looked like and they would know where they are from,ect.beside families are made and they should grow with love and people.i know my family would love to grow with more family memebers...we hope that when we are blessed with our child that the family will be come part of our family...are be there for hoildays and birthday's ect.well to what ever your daugther desides may god bless her ands your family in this time of heart ache.i hope everything works out and god bless-

I â™¥ my irish twins!

You need to talk to your daughter about this. How old is she? I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 18. I only had 2 months of my senior year left so it wasn't bad. My mom got pregnant with me when she was 17.. she was 8 months pregnant with me when she walked across the stage to graduate. My grandma had my mom when she was 14 years old...although back then things were different... But this should be your daughters decision. Even if she is young, this will be something that will be with her for the rest of her life. Whether she keeps the baby or gives it up. If she doesn't want to give it up, please don't make her as she will live with that forever and she could resent you and get extremely depressed. It's some SHE needs to think about.....what about the baby's dad's parents? If you are not willing to raise this baby until your daughter is able to, maybe they can help. But just please let her decide.

Marie C

You have not mentioned your daughter's age in your question. Is she 12? 15? 17?

Your daughter actually has three options - abortion, parenting, or adoption. She may be young, but if she's old enough to get pregnant, she is old enough to be told the ramifications of each choice, and to be included in the decision.

If you are Catholic and/or pro-life (as I am), abortion is probably not an option for you. So you have adoption and parenting. Please bear in mind that this baby is also your grandchild, and that whatever choice is made will impact your grandchild's life irrevocably.

Are you truly unable to help your daughter bring up her baby? Notice, I did not say "unwilling" but "unable." If you are physically, mentally or financially unable to help your daughter raise her child, then adoption should be considered, especially if she is VERY young. An open adoption through a reputable agency would be the best thing here.

But please, please give some consideration to helping to bring up your grandchild until your daughter is old enough to do it herself. I am an adoptive parent, who treasures my three girls beyond words. But even I know that in a perfect world, adoption would rarely be necessary (except perhaps in the case of true "orphans"), and children could remain in the families to which they had been born.

kaluah96

sweety i know you think you are doing what's best for your daughter but put it out there the way it is. her age has nothing to do with it. my friend had her daughter when she was 15 her grandmother is only 35 years older than her so you can imagine how old her grandmother was when she had her mom and how old her mother was when she had her. age doesn' t matter. they all went to school, college, and have great jobs. my firends daughter just graduated from unc-greensboro at 22 years old and is going back to school at UNC-Chapel Hill to get her masters so she can be a highly qualified nurse. age has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Now if you already know that your family structure isn't that strong and she won't have anyone to support her efforts then yeah it might be a good thing to do. but it would say more about what you're willing to deal with than what she is. anything can be done with support. but if you hate he fact that she's pregnant more than you are over joyed that you have a grandchild then she is already alone.

Lori A

I'm all for adoption done right. Unfortunately there is no way of knowing that until years later when your grandchild finds you and tells you that everything turned out alright. There are years of heart ache and worry inbetween that can all but consume a person.

My daughter and I have been in reunion for almost 9 years. We have recently found her father and she is very pleased to finally feel like a whole person at the age of 35. Her father never forgot about her or what we did.Our decision forever changed both of our lives as well as hers. It isn't your decision, but if you want to help your daughter, support what ever decision she makes, and if it's adoption be ready for the rollercoaster ride.

This is not a squat and walk away proccess. You do not get on with your life. That includes you grandma. The days may pass, your life may go on but you have forever altered something that you will never be able to forget. Nor will you be at peace until the day (if it comes) that you are given a second chance. You will worry, you will wonder, you will feel guilty, and you will not realize it until it is to late, no matter how much you think you are prepared. It is an undescribable pit, in not just your stomach but in your soul. Adoption done right is a good thing. But its not something you have any control over. The best "you" can do is take your chances, hope, and wait. I don't recommend it.

I suggest some independent reading on family history and heridetary illness, original birth certificates, ancestory, "fathers rights", "grand parents rights", where the child goes if the adoptors change their mind, and foster care.

My daughter found her face a few months ago. She doesn't look like me, she doesn't look like her father. She is the mirror image of her grandmother. Now is not the time for decisions, now is the time for information, and i do not mean from an agency. You both need to read to make sure you are ready for what lies ahead of you.

I do wish you the best of luck.

scweetci_87bc

Well, I'm not a parent, but I am an adoptee, so I know my vote won't weight in as heavily.

I think you and your daughter should really really talk the whole open/closed issue through. Depending on her maturity level, she may not want to have anything to do with the baby's life beyond her pregnancy. I hope that isn't the case, but I know it can be at times.

It is my personal opinion that the only time you should ever do a closed adoption is if the child's life is in danger by keeping it open. (For example, no one in their right mind should let a child have an open adoption if there is a risk of a drug addicted stoned biological parent breaking into the house to steal their kid back.)

One thing that you should remember is there are different types of open adoptions. The first is what I like to call "'fully open" this is where your daughter would get to visit from time to time, when arranged with the adoptive parents. She may still get to attend birthday parties and such, but this is at the discression of the adoptive parents, as they will be the child's actual parents. The second I call " Semi-open" this means that the birth parents can contact your daughter, usually once or twice a year by letter, to send pictures and just give her a general update on how things are going. Usually the child doesn't get involved until their teenage years, and that's only if they want to. In my personal opinion, semi-open may be the best, because the child will not feel isolated, they will have the information on how to contact your daughter if they want to, and your daughter will still get some information, which is much better than not knowing at all. Then there is "barely open" where the birth records are not sealed, the adoptive parents have your daughters basic info and contact information. Barely opens are usually the result of an attempt to do an open adoption but for some reason or another, the birth parents or the adoptive parents lose touch with one another. Barely open isn't great, but its still better than closed.

Closed is extremely painful for both the child and the birth mother. You and your daughter will never know what happens to the baby. Closed adoption is like having a child go missing, you never know if there happy, you never even know if they are alive. Maybe if your lucky decades later an the child is extremely persistant - enough so to get through all the red tape to find you, you might - but the process of all that is difficult for the child, and why add to the pain?

Good luck with whatever you choose.

~*Hollie Jean*~

ok well im 17 and im pregnant... i thought about adoption but decided that i wanted to be there for MY baby.. everything.. adoption just makes you wonder "where's my baby" "hows my baby doing" "does my baby hate me for giving it up" "who is my child" why would you do that to your daughter? make her wonder for the rest of her life what she could have done different...but if you "absolutly" think adoption is best which i dont... then make it open so she can see the child..

natalie m

Are you making her put the baby up for adoptionor was it her choose, you will miss the baby as she will miss the baby, don't make her do this.

I would just help her raise the baby!

bean

I have no experience in adoption. however, for me, the idea of a closed adoption scares me because I'd have the baby, and then poof! gone! and I'd never know if she grew up healthy or what her home was like. if she needed to know about my family's medical history her adoptive parents would have to explain everything to her, especially why I'm not in her life. in an open adoption, I'd like to think that I wouldn't miss everything.

inevitably, it comes down to what she decides. she is 16. girls younger than her have taken care of their children. it's definitely not ideal, but it can work if she has the proper support system. she needs to decide what she wants to do, and you have to tell her about the real world, how hard it is to raise a child, find a sitter or daycare, buy diapers, etc. and let her decide. besides, how are you going to feel knowing that someone else is raising your grandbaby?

whatever you decide, good luck. and hopefully you two decide what is best for her situation.

LaraSue

I have been in your position. My daughter also found herself pregnant.
First of all, it needs to be HER decision, and the father's if he is involved. All you can do is support them in their decision.
IF adoption is chosen, in my opinion, an open adoption is best.
My daughter's baby was adopted by a wonderful couple who are very open with our family, we don't feel like we lost a child, but gained more family.
Open adoptions are not legally enforceable, which is something you all need to be aware of.
Good luck and God bless.

snowwillow20

I gave up my daughter in 1972, I lived the next 30 years without her, without knowing where she was, how she was, what she looked like, and was she OK. She was a secret so I lived a lie, I suffered from depression and guilt, a lot of guilt, imagine you, giving up your daughter, how would you feel? All adoptions are pretty much closed, some agree to open adoptions but then they back out and they can do that legally. How old is she? Can you help? Do you really never want to see your grandchild. I've been in reunion since 2001 and finding her has helped me live with the guilt. She had a great amom, but she still has issues with abandonment and self esteem. Make sure you both talk to as many first moms as you can. They will tell you how it is to live without your baby. It's a hurt that never heals.

H******

My mother never forgave her mother for my relinquishment, they never spoke again. And the first opportunity I get I'm going to pay a visit to my grandmother's grave and take a dump right on it.

I found my mother last week after 19 years of searching only to discover that she had no intention of relinquishing me for adoption - she was blindsided by my grandmother. Closed adoptions hurt more than you could ever imagine.

Please don't force your daughter to give her baby to strangers, please.

Jennifer L

Well, having been through a crisis teen pregnancy of my own some years back, I can say with certainty that your daughter needs to take time to get over her initial shock. And that may take longer than you.

The best advice given to me was by my older sister who said, "Your decision right now can be not to make a decision right now."

I chose to parent my son. It was difficult, but he's turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself!

My best advice I can give to you, other than what my older sister told me, is to support her and love her, no matter what her choice will be. Any woman who places her child for adoption under duress or pressure, even well meaning pressure, will regret it for the rest of her life.

Set aside the need to make a decision right now. There's plenty of time for that. Help her get information, look at options in an open and honest manner. But tell her, over and over again, that you will love and support her no matter what.

Good luck!

Possum

1. You should support your daughter in what SHE wants to do - and that decision should also include the child's father.
You - as a caring mother - should support her in what SHE wants - not what YOU want.

2. Sadly - you seem to be making this all about YOU - when this is clearly about your daughter and about your future grandchild.
It worries me that you would consider giving away your own flesh and blood so easily to a family of complete strangers.
It worries me - because I am one of those children - and it hurt - to never grow up amongst the family that I am forever biologically linked to - not knowing those that looked like me - acted like me - had talents just like me.
There was no good reason for my relinquishment - and that is an extremely painful thing to live with.

3. Your daughter will never forget this child - and never just - 'get over it'. She will have carried this child for 9 months - gone through major pain to bring her child into the world - and you want her to give the child away - and move on with life??
It's really not that easy.

4. My mother was forced by her mother to give away two children to adoption. My mother has NEVER recovered from those events emotionally.
I am very angry that my own grandmother would place such little value on me.
Your grandchild could also hold similar feelings if he/she learns that it was your decision and not his/her mothers.

5. If adoption really MUST happen - open adoption is best - as an adoptee needs to know (physically) where they came from. It's better for the child's self worth and self identity.
But - be aware - open adoptions are not legally enforceable - meaning - the adoptive parents can close up the adoption any time they choose.

6. Please look closely as to your reasons for wanting adoption. List every thing on paper.
Adoption should be a last option - only if absolutely needed.
Otherwise the child - and the mother - will most likely suffer great emotional pain - for the rest of their lives.
Adoption is a long term solution to an often short term problem.
Your daughter is young now - but she won't be forever.
I'm 38 - and half way through my degree now. I have 3 beautiful daughters, a loving husband - we own our own home.
Things don't have to happen in any particular order - just to 'fit' in with the norm.

I'm sorry if my answer upsets you - but I know too many adoptees and relinquishing mothers - that all just needed people to help them stay together - instead of trying to rip them apart.

Please think long and hard about the decisions that lie ahead - and support your daughter in whatever SHE decides to do.
That is your job as a loving mother.
Be there - she needs YOU to be on her side - the most.

Theresa

My grandmother was in your situation.

The story I was always told went like this: My mother was too young to raise me, and her mother told her she had to give the baby up for adoption.

I spent my entire life despising my grandmother for that.

You want to give your grandchild away to STRANGERS?

You want to subject your daughter and your grandchild to LIFETIME issues of depression, despair, identity, rejection?

Please reconsider.

My grandmother is now dead. I can never tell her face to face how much I've resented her for not helping my mother keep me.

Childhood is temporary. Adoption is permanent. Please help your daughter keep her baby.

LaurieDB

Firstly, I just want to say that the few people who suggested closed adoption so your daughter can "get on with her life" obviously have no experience with something as life altering, lasting and painful as giving away one's own flesh and blood. My father, who relinquished me to adoption, described it as a hole in his heart and painful questions that never went away until we were finally reunited 35 years later. It's NOT like the movie Juno. That's just Hollywood. This is your daughter's and grandchild's lives, along with the lives of the child's father, his family and those yet to come, who will be affected by this. We see plenty of questions on here all the time from people searching for relatives that their mothers and grandmothers gave up for adoption.

You may also want to read some of the books suggested, and read on Websites specifically for parents who relinquished.

http://www.cubirthparents.org
http://www.origins-usa.net

Closed adoption is cruel to the first parents and to the child -- in this case your grandchild -- who will someday become an adult, most likely with questions.

Adoption in general is a permanent solution. It permanently will remove your grandchild -- your daughter's child -- from your family.

My grandmother got pregnant with my mother in 1945, at the age of 15. Her parents didn't want her to keep her baby, but they did finally agree to it. Within a few short years, my grandmother was married to the man with whom she spent the rest of her life. They raised my mother and my aunt (their child together) and were happy for many decades until my grandmother's death in 1999.

My grandmother wasn't 15 forever. A few short years was so worth keeping my mother in the family. We are all willing to sacrifice a few years for other goals such as buying a home or finishing college, or getting that new car. How much more is one's own child worth than a house or car or any other material item?

I hope you'll reconsider. If, in the end, your daughter does relinquish, I truly hope that closed adoption is off the list. It's too heartbreaking and leaves a legacy of secrets and lies for the relinquished person.

Andraya

My grandmother forced my mother to place me for adoption and my father forced me to place my son. I will never forgive either of them. They caused me a kind of pain no person should ever know.

If adoption is your DAUGHTER'S choice, and one she has come by honestly and on her own, then open adoption is preferable.

blank stare

Let me tell you my story...

My first mom got pregnant with me when she was young and not married. Her mother told her that she was giving the baby up and sent her away to have me. My first mom did what she was told.

She regretted giving me up almost immediately, within a few years she had married another man (a bum, as it turned out, who had promised to help her find me and get me back) and had had the first of her four children that she would keep and raise herself. Every day for over 36 years she missed me and regretted giving me up.

I spent the next 36 years with a generally loving family. But I also hurt a great deal from missing her and wondering why she gave me away.

I wonder, then, who "adoption is the best" for? For you? Not necessarily for her. Not necessarily for the child. Your her mother. You should be trying to protect your child and grandchild. If you make this decision for her, she may resent you for years to come.

I have been affected by adoption my entire life, and I would give almost anything not to be.

jeni5844@yahoo.com

oh.my.gosh

i wish i could beg you in person not to try to talk her into this.

being abandoned by your mother is the wrost thing you can do to another human being.

you're poor grandchild will be screwed for life- never trusting a soul, second guessing every move, feeling like a reject.

ugh.

Alyssa's mommy

How old is she? How does she feel about it? It really just depends how attached she is to the child and how involved she wants to be in the child's life. Also, it is your daughter's choice if she wants to keep the baby or give it up for adoption. Not yours. Not what is 'best' for her age.

tish

grapes...stated it best. not too much i can add...

but, here's my .02.

-open adoption is not legally enforceable. many aparents will promise your daughter the sun, moon and stars just to slam the door shut the second before the ink is dry.

-i was pregnant young and my father suggested adoption. it was a heart-wrenching situation, which later resulted in a 16 year, very fragmented relationship between us. he felt it was best for me. when in actuality it was what he thought was best for him. see, daughters pregnant out of wedlock often cast a negative light on their parents. hence, the reason why so many suggest adoption.

-i did not place my son, in the end. and have gone on to complete my education, and plan to receive an earned doctorate in 2009.

-there is NO guarantee that your grandchild will be in a better situation. adoptive parents are not immune to marital conflict, abuse, divorce, alcoholism and other pathologies.

-it really needs to be your daughter's decision.

-do not respond to emails on-line. most of these people are trolling for babies because they either don't qualify at agencies or they are trying to score a kid, cheaply...

-stick around and read how many people feel about "birthmothers."

-most people who are suggesting closed adoption have never been pregnant, are not an adoptee, nor considered placing a child. in other words, many are operating through a lens that is a bit "clouded."

-after you watch "juno", watch the "handmaid's tale."

i sincerely wish you the best...

Doodlestuff

Best for whom? The child? My child was raised in a household that contained 2 drunks that were mysteriously absent during the homestudy. Was that best? There is NO guarantee that the child will be any better off being raised by strangers, rather than by his/her own kinfolk.

Let her decide what is best. That may take longer than you like. You will never suffer another moment of angst throwing away your grandchild, but she very well may suffer depression the rest of her life. This will be particularly painful when she sees schoolmates who also become pregnant, but keep their children and raise them because their parents were supportive.

Ms. AK

The absolute MOST important thing is to let your daughter decide what SHE wants. DO NOT make this decision for her, regardless of her age. I know you're mom and you're only looking out for her best interests but this is a decision she has to make and live with.

If you force her to place this baby for adoption she will resent you for a very long time if not for the rest of her life. She will blame you and then you'll have a whole new set of problems to deal with.

I speak from experience. My family forced me to place my son and I have regretted it from day one, I also no longer speak to those family members and don't ever intend to. It's a HORRIBLE thing to lose a baby.

She will have carried this baby for 9 months, she will dream about what it would be like to be a mother, she will dream about what this baby will look like, what this baby will grow up to be. Bringing life to this world is a wonderful thing, granted it isn't always brought in the best way but children are miraculous things, regardless.

This is your granddaughter or grandson you are trying to convince your daughter to give away. Have you thought about that? This is the grandbaby that will giggle when they see you, run up and give you kisses and hugs and be SO excited to spend a day with grandma! Why would you want to give that up?

If adoption is what your DAUGHTER wants, support her but keep it open. but also remember open adoptions don't always stay that way. I went from daily contact with my sons adoptive parents to pictures and a short note every 3 months. It has nearly killed me.

Please, whatever you do, put this decision COMPLETELY in her hands, don't try to persuade her by saying, you can't go party, you can't have friends, you'll have a whiny baby all day, you won't finish school, etc... that's the same as forcing her, it's called pressure and persuasion, it's just as bad.

There are many wonderful and marvelous things about being a mother, even a young mother. She will have so much energy to spend on this child, she will relate more with baby, she will be silly and fun and a fantastic mother, especially with your support.

Love her, TELL her you love her. Support her. TELL her you'll support her. Help her be a wonderful mother if thats what she chooses, if she chooses adoption be prepared for many many tears, feelings of guilt, sadness, loss, grief, the list goes on, and this will last a long time not just a few days or a few weeks.

Good luck with everything and like others here, feel free to contact me directly. and please if your daughter would like to speak to someone who has placed a child and who was also a young mother I would be more than happy to talk with her as well.

PS Be leary of people here that say they are interested in adopting your daughters child, it's called trolling and it's not at all ethical.

Sophie D

Listen, im almost 16 and im pregnant.-5 and a half months-
it crossed my mind for a split second about adoption.
but then i thought. if i were to do that then i would always wonder. and someone else would celebrate MY BABYS first b-day and MY BABYS first crawl. when i am the one whos gonna being MY BABY into the world. i know ur scared for her daughter, but giveing the baby up for adoption might be alot worse than u think. cause HER BABY is growing inside her. and she's gonna feel every move HER BABY feels. think about when u were pregnant with her. shes still UR BABY. wut if u gave her up for adoption. then u wouldnt have UR BABY!

Genie C

if i were you i would raise the baby my self! i could never live with myself knowing that one of my own was out there! i was a fifteen year old mother, i had to raise my son by myself! he is now 13 years old, and i could'nt imagine not having him in my life! im now happily married with 5 kids. let her deal with the choices she made! just be there to help her!

Robin

God bless you! What a difficult decision you and your family are facing. You don't say how old she is...BUT...I was 16 when I got pregnant (by the first boy I ever dated - using birth control). Please consider that adoption is NOT the ONLY option!

As an adoptee myself, I didn't want my child growing up wondering why her mother gave her up. Wasn't she worth loving? (as I had wondered). Her dad & I married. He was 19. When I think about that now, I know how lucky I was that he didn't cut & run. Our marriage only lasted a year & 1/2.

I considered adoption only because my a.mom pushed and pushed the issue AFTER my divorce (my daughter was a year old) & because I believed she might be right. Maybe I couldn't be a good mother. I thank God that I didn't listen to her, but listened instead to my own heart.

Had my daughter faced an unplanned pregnancy, I would have done everything in my power to encourage her to keep her child and anything I could to HELP her mother her child.

Help your DAUGHTER decide what's best for her & her child. But don't make this decision for her. You will live to regret it. You may loose your daughter as well as your grandchild if you force her to relinquish. I don't want to be harsh, just please, be careful for your whole family's sake.

This is YOUR grandchild! Are you prepared to not see this child for at least 18 years? Maybe longer? Not know your own grandchild? Not watch him/her grow up? If not, consider open adoption. But also realize that open adoptions often do not remain open.

You may feel far too young to be a "grandma". I did. I'm "yia yia" (Greek for grandma) to my grandchildren (3 now).

Good luck and God bless...truly. My heart is with you. Please feel free to contact me directly...

There is much help and support out there today that there wasn't when I had my daughter over 30 years ago.

ETA: I graduated HS after her birth. Attended & graduated college after my divorce (as a single mom). Raised both my children as a single parent for most of their lives. Owned my own home, had a good job etc. The first couple of years were rocky. But I grew up fast and rose to the occassion. Consider giving your daughter that opportunity. She might amaze you!

ALSO, PLEASE read "THE GIRLS WHO WENT AWAY" by Ann Fessler. Available in most libraries. VERY informative. You have time to make this life changing decision. No need to rush!

ETA: 'Juno' is a FICTIONAL movie. NOT real life.

"The Girls Who Went Away", on the other hand, is a collection of TRUE LIFE STORIES of the girls & women who relinquished in the decades between the 1940's & 1970's, and the profound, lasting effects it had on their lives.

http://www.amazon.com/Girls-Who-Went-Away-Surrendered/dp/1594200947

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