Question for adoptees....?

It is only my opinion

I don't think its a good idea. I would put my contact information in the file and give the new parents permission to let the child contact you. Some parents choose not to tell children they were adopted. That is up to the parents.

Sarah B

I think it might be a good idea to ask yourself why you're really doing it though. It is to get that stuff off of your chest so you can feel better about it? So he might not be so mad at you? Or is it really so that if he wants to know about it, it will inform him?

I don't think it's a bad idea, as long as it's about what's best for him, and not about you. You are the parent here, and he is the innocent one in the situation. You could leave it in his file, and ultimately it is up to his parents to decide whether or not to let him read it when he is 18.

Good luck with everything, and sounds like you have a made a good choice and will bless a family with your child.

Jane S

whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

raWr

number1tink

I think it's a good idea. The child can still choose whether or not to read it at all. It's still their choice, but at least if they choose to read it then it's there and they don't have to spend a bunch of time and money trying to track you down if that's what they want. I'm giving my baby up for adoption. To a family friend and she will still be in my life, but I am writing her several letters. In fact I'm keeping a journal that I write to her in and when she's 18 or maybe even younger, as long as she's old enough to understand, I'm going to give it to her. My mom has 2 adopted brothers and an adopted sister. Adoption is not the most horrible thing in the world. There's a difference between a kid being stuck in foster care and a real adoption. You said child, is it a baby or a toddler? Try and find a family, pick a family before you go through the process. Don't just dump them in the system. Find a good family and check them out, get to know them, then choose them. You can find agencies that will set you up with a list of families that are looking to adopt right then and then find the right person.

A couple people are saying your child will never see it. It depends on the agency you use. And if you make sure you file an open adoption then they cannot legally refuse to give that information to your child if they request it when they are 18. It might take some digging if their adoptive parents won't tell them where they were adopted. But if they can find the agency and the adoption was filed as an open one they can have access to all the information. And if you contact the agency every few years and give them your updated information they will hold onto it.

C Wood

I think your best bet is to do an open adoption and talk to the adoptive parents and work out a solution with them that's agreeable to all of you.
cw

Rebecca H

First of all I want to give you a big thumbs up for giving you child up for adoption, I know it can be hard. I think the letter is a great idea, it will help him to understand the situation and to have information to contact you if he ever chooses to.

Susan O.

Hi,

I'm a birthmother who placed my son for adoption when I was 17. He's 13 years old now. For me, I chose adoption because I loved him enough to give him life but knew I couldn't care for him. I loved him from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I loved him when my father offered to pay for an abortion and I refused. I loved him when I held him the first time. If I were you, I would simply be honest and explain how much you love him. You might to consider including a photograph of yourself. I would also recommend you find out your state's laws regarding adoption ( open, closed, etc ). If you haven't chosen an agency, be very thorough and get everything in writing. I was able to select my son's adoptive parents and sit and meet with them. It gave me an incredible peace of mind to know who was caring for him. I knew what they did for a living, their relgigion, even how many pets they had. I went with a private non-profit agency run by a married couple and I lived in a home for about 8 months with other pregnant girls. The agency was wonderful and compassionate. If you odn't feel comfortable with an agency, then find one you are comfortable with.

Good luck to you and if you ever need some perspective on being a birthmom etc, you can always email me at susanolvera@gmail.com .

anonymous

My adoptive parents always told me that they had adopted me but as a really little kid I didn't understand what that meant. When I was six I asked my amom to explain it to me and she did. I remember that moment better than any other moment in my entire life..it was the moment my entire world came crashing down around me.

I was devastated..crushed..i felt abandoned, alone, unloved, worthless. And, no, my amom did not tell me a horror story..she simply told me that my first parents were too young, wanted to finish college and couldn't care for me so they chose to give me away.

I think if my fmom had written a letter it may have helped a little if I had read it then at six years old..eighteen would have been far too late...and it would have only helped a very little. Knowing why I was given away doesn't really take away the pain of it.

Timothy B

I am an adoptee and i think it would be a great idea. I would place the letter (if possible) into the records that will be sealed until he is 18. That is the family court that handled the adoption. That is the most likely place to look since most adoption agencies will not release any paperwork.

when's my next vacation???

I think it's a good idea. The child would be able to choose if he/she wanted to know about you but knowing that you wrote a letter might make them feel less abandoned

kidmindi

I would have loved a letter from my birth mother. I would have loved a picture of her. I would have loved to have any scrap of anything from her.

Write the letter, add photo.

Good Luck

å°é»ƒ

Knowing the truth does not necessarily make it hurt less.

Yes, even with a letter.

Lori A

You can email me too just in case you don't feel all warm and fuzzy inside after you sign those papers. am I angry? YUP I surrendered willingly, so in my opinion there was no real reason to "spice up" my story. Had I written a letter I doubt Rachael (poster above) would have gotten it since I was a 13 year old drug addict who didn't know who the father was and was a run away. I was probably illiterate too.

BOTZ

Write it if you'd like to but don't expect it to be sent/kept/delivered. Adoption agencies are not to be trusted. In SOME (not all -- so please don't get all huffy...) cases, adoptive parents are not to be trusted, either.

I can say that with confidence as mine are two that fall into the not-to-be-trusted category. They adopted my little sister when I was 8 1/2 (she was a newborn). Her mother wrote her a letter which our adoptive mother promptly opened, read and then destroyed and discarded. She admitted that to us several years ago stating that she "simply didn't think it was important". She has since denied that she did that, denied that she ever told us that -- in short, denied that such a letter ever existed.

She did share one thing from the letter (back when she admitted to it) that she remembered -- my sister's mother's first name. My sister has been searching for over a decade. I'm sure her mother is thinking all sorts of sad, horrible, untrue things because OUR ADOPTIVE mother chose to disregard her wishes and destroy her letter. My sister is now 27 years old. She should have been reunited for 9+ years now. I feel awful for her and awful for her mother.

If you do choose to write the letter, do as others have suggested and keep a copy (or keep the original and send a copy), send it certified/registered and keep the receipt (as proof) and make sure you register your name and info in every search organization you can find.

Oh, and as Linny said, if you haven't given your child up yet -- DON'T. Placing a child for adoption is no guarantee of ANYTHING, except that he will miss the mother he expects and wants -- YOU!

Adoption holds no promise of a better life -- only a different (and just as likely a WORSE) one than the adoptee is born to... the one with his/her natural family.

I was adopted into an abusive home. I have 3 siblings who were raised by my natural mother and 2 siblings raised by my natural father. NONE of them is/was ever abused.

Think hard -- Take care!

Velto

That would be very sweet! My wife and I adopted a beautiful little girl, five years ago, and she is the light of our life! We also keep in touch with her birth mother, as well. It is odd, but it works for us. She is not sorry for her choice, but happy that her little girl is taken care of. God bless you!

chazas

At age 18 I wouldn't have cared, as I didn't and wouldn't have been interested in even contacting my agency. I didn't do that until age 46, when I was much older and (hopefully) wiser. However, I wouldn't have been bitter at age 18, as I was never sad to have been adopted. Not everyone feels that way, though. You can't control your child's adoption experience or the emotions that he or she will have about you - that's just one of the difficult facts about adoption.

When I did finally search, I would have loved to find a letter in my file, regardless of what it said. I would do it, just think carefully about what you say. If and when your child reads it it may be the most important letter he or she has ever received.

blank stare

While not I'm not bitter, such a letter wouldn't make up for missing my mom for 18 years... Maybe your child won't miss you... If he won't, then he won't care about a letter... If he does, then a letter will be some comfort, but no substitute.

Bree â™¥

When i was going through foster care, and when i was adopted, i was only 10, so i didnt fully understand everything, all i knew was that the people said my parents were bad, and i wouldnt have to ever see them again. if i were to get a letter from my mom, i would probably cry, because of thinking of everything, before i went into foster care at 7. even though i have no desire to ever see my mom again, i am thinking your situation is very diffrent, i would definetly leave a letter for him, so that he knows who his mother was, and why he was adopted. good luck!

H******

My Mom left several letters on my file. It did not good. I asked for 20 years and they wouldn't open that file for me. So the letters still sit in that file, despite the fact that Mom and I are now reunited - they still refuse to release our information to us.

It would have meant alot to me to have received those letters.

Don't believe for a moment that letters will be passed on. Promises are made, but their just full of hot air.

rachael

i would love to have had that. it would have been worth more than GOLD to me.

but your child will never ever see it. i dont care what they tell you, what you reaquest, or any promises that will be made.
i guarantee he or she will never lay eyes on it.

LinnyG

God, where do these people come up with some of their answers??? It will NOT be up to his adoptive parents when he is 18, he's an adult, for Gods sake!

He may not get the letter, as most agencies are corrupt.
Write it, copy it, send it registered certified mail to the agency. Also, register for the search agencies now, so he will know you are looking for him.

You have not said how old he is. If you have NOT surrendered him yet, DONT. Keep your baby.

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