Should I ask the birth mother to stop calling herself mommy in front of my daughter?

Olivia J

That would just plain annoy me, to be honest. You and your husband are mommy and daddy! How about asking them to call themselves mother and father? They aren't her parents, you are. I think it's nice that you've worked something out to keep them in her life, but they can't overstep boundaries like that. I admire your patience in this situation.

ePiC! :D

You should say that because your chld lives with you, you are technicoally her rightful mother. You have custody over her, and if they wanted to be hr parents, they shouldn't have put her up for adoption!

duck's attitude

They visit 4-6 times a month??? WOW!

We adopted Domestically (from USA) and we don't have any visits with our birthparents because they didn't want to cause confusion with our son. They didn't want to interfere with us raising our son also. I suggest that your daughter call them by their names or something that you are comfortable with - but NOT mommy and daddy. YOU are mommy and daddy. To me it sounds like the birthparents are getting a little out of line with the mommy and daddy stuff. There needs to be boundaries set that everyone needs to follow for the sake of the baby. I understand that BPs want to see the baby at first because they want to make sure the baby is ok and that they made the right decision. It's just something that birthparents go through. BUT will 4-6 visits and month take place for years and years? That sounds like co-parenting to me and I don't think that's fair to you. If the adoption is legal and final then you have the right to say that you're not comfortable with them calling themselves mommy and daddy. You have every right to tell them that. :-)

You all are her parents. Try to come up with some type of happy 'mommy and daddy' medium. The biological parents, in my opinion, gave up the right to be mommy and daddy. Adoption is not 'here you take my child, raise her and love her, but I'm still mommy'. It doesn't work like that. They are her biological parents, they deserve respect, but the adoption is not about them or you. You are mom and dad, they could be something else or just use first names. You would not be 'hiding her family' from her, tell her who they are. When shes older, and not so easily confused, let her call everyone what's comfortable to her. Until then, come to an agreement.

sweet

holy buckets you have ALOT of answers!! My personal opinion is i can def. see were you deserve to be called mommy and daddy you are just that! I don't think that there will be any confusion kids are smart enough however i think that it wouldn't be horrible if you just started saying look who's here "mama sue" or "papa jo" its important for them to respect the boundries but also important and wonderful that they are still in her life and this might be a happy medium and always address them as such and when she gets older she will decifer on what to call them. hopefully this helps and congrats!

remember who u r and who loves u

I am sorry to say this to you, but I believe it would not be beneficial to ask them to stop calling themselves mommy and daddy. I am adopted. I am lucky to still be within my family, but my adoptive mother makes me call my birth mother "Aunt ___" As a child this was confusing, and as an adult it is annoying and hurtful. Your daughter will recognize that you are her mother, and she will love you for all you do for her and for loving her as if she were your own. However, the simple fact of the matter is that you have an open adoption, and this woman is in fact her birth mother. It is unfair to the child to ask the mother to stop referring to herself as mommy. Speaking from personal experience, I had acceptance issues as a child, thinking that my adoptive mother didn't and couldn't love me the way my real mother could, and sometimes when I refused to believe that my adoptive mother loved me, to make her angry I would refuse to call her my mother. This hurt her, and your daughter could deal with a similar situation. She will have a tough enough time explaining this to all her friends, because first of all, you have chosen an open adoption, which means that she will have access to both sets of parents. She already calls you Mama and Daddy, and she knows that her basic needs are met by you. Be sure that as she grows both you and her biological parents sit down and discuss what is appropriate for the girl. Most importantly, make sure that she knows that her parents (both sets) love her very much. In this situation it is best to be completely honest about why she is where she is and why you are her parents. Any other way and she may develop a detachment issue in adolescence. I wish you the best of luck, but I also caution you. As an adopted child, and watching my sister(also biological and adopted) grow up, raising an adopted child is hard. Just make sure you are as loving and nurturing as you could be and remind her every day that she is loved. It is sooooooooo important. Hugs and kisses are sooo important. Good luck, you have a long and hopefully, happy road ahead of you.

grapesgum

First of all, thank you for honoring your open adoption agreement. Many, many adoptive couples close adoptions as soon as they can. You and your husband must be awesome people to not feel threatened by your daughter's biological parents.

I will answer your question with a question. It sounds as though your daughter is blessed to have wonderful parents. Why do you want to start lying to her now? Her biological parents are her mother and father. When she gets older, she will realize that a piece of paper cannot change that. She will also know who her raising and nurturing parents are - you. And I bet she will love you all the more for not making her pretend that her biological parents are not "mother" and "father" by forcing her to call them something else.

Sounds like you are doing a great job. She won't be confused.

davlynn7

If they are gonna call themselves that they should have kept there kid. You are there parents

Fuaite le fuil, gaolta go deo

Give your baby more credit. If one of you is mama and one is mommy, I don't see the issue. Children can differentiate. I have three "grandmas", it was never an issue. You're putting way too much thought into this and coming off as petty. If you bring it up you might strain your relationship with them and for your daughter's sake, I hope you avoid conflict. They only see her once a month, she won't be confused. Please don't reduce them to "birth" mother and father. They're the reason she even exists, let them have some dignity.

Serenity71

There are times when this can become confusing. Especially since you see them so often its not the same as showing pictures and telling her her adoption story. It sounds like you need to reach a compromise especially if it can cause any friction or underlaying discomfort. Your daughter will feel this from you and wonder why. Things left like that can be damaging in the long term.

This is not the same thing grandparents. There does have to be an acceptance by them at one point that there is a boundary and the adoption has happened. Its not devaluing the relationship between you at to have that understanding relating to boundaries for now or denying their role or yours. (The boundary can change if your child choses to call her mom or dad, you said your open to that and it shows your not denying who they are.)

And my kids don't call their grandparents by the same names. "Ma" "Pa" or Grandma and Grandad. They can tell the difference easier that way.

My kids just call their first parents by first names. They prefered it that way. I think it helped her accept their adoption more not to be called "mum" or "dad". (If either of them want to call her Mama J in years to come thats fine by me.)

Its a very personal area. Something only your family can work out really.

All the best!

Tonia

I think that would insult the biological mother and confuse the baby. If the biological mother wants to be called Mommy, call her "Mommy -insert her first name here" instead.

Pip

Well you can always try telling them how you feel but don't be surprised if they feel hurt. Can't you gently tell them and come to a compromise?

I know you are legally your daughter's mother BUT you seem to be forgetting one major fact she does have two sets of parents. You daughter will find it far less confusing always knowing the truth.

My son's adoption was closed so the issue never came up but they always told him the truth that he had two mums and dads. They always refer to me as his mother or natural mother .... thankfully as it means I've never had to tell them the term birth mother is offensive. He calls both of us mum and adds our first names for clarification for people who know who we are. Otherwise he refers to us as first mum and adoptive mum.

JennaBear

she calls you and your husband mama and dada, i don't see how it's confusing to her...she obviously knows and loves you two.

i grew up with 2 grandmas and knew 4 jennifers in elementary school...i was never confused on my relationships to any of them.

instead of placing this on your daughter and the fact that she might be confused, I think it's important to look at why you are having these feelings. It sounds like to me you really want there to be a distinguishment between her BIRTH parents and you guys, her "REAL" parents. Know that adoptees have enough love to go around for everyone, all our mommas/mamas/mommys and dada/daddy's!!

Major props, btw, for keeping adoption open. For her sake please keep it that way. All of your influence on her life is important!

Bekki

This is quite a sensitive area, so I suggest you just go with it for now. Mama, Dada, Mommy and Daddy aren't too similar, so it should be OK. To your daughter, these won't be different forms of the same 'name', they will just be who people are to her, so she shouldn't get confused.

farm mom of 10

I agree with the poster who said the parenthood is not defined by what the child calls you, but by the person who baths, feed, and cares for the child.
However, as an adoptive mother, I know that the name is important, too.
I think since it's just once a month, I wouldn't worry about it too much. You are going to let the child know the birthparents, which is a really wonderful thing. She's going to know who they are, and that she has two sets of parents. She will probably hit on her own personal name for everyone eventually. My grandson has always spent a LOT of time at my house. I have children his age. So he grew up for a while calling me 'mom' like my own children did, and his own mother - my daughter - 'mommy'. He never got mixed up, I was mom, she was mommy. When he grew some more, he quit calling me mom and now he calls me grandma. It never bothered my daughter, she knew he was just imitating his uncles calling me 'mom', but he was not confused as to who is mother was.

Ranchmom1

Our granddaughter has the following:

Mommy
Daddy (actually her grandpa, but she calls him Daddy since she lives with us and sees him as her Daddy)
Nana (me)
Grandma C.
Grandma M.
Grandma S.
Grandpa and Grandma S.
and 6 aunts and 1 uncle.

She's not confused. I don't think your daughter will be either.

DevonChaos

You just need to be secure in your own role in raising your daughter. She can tell you guys apart, and if that is where the concern lays, then you have no problems. She can. If you simply want to be the only one called "Mommy", then I say you just buck up until the child is old enough to come up with her own names for everyone. My daughters had a step mom and step dad when they were little, and it never got confusing. They knew everyone was different, and they knew who they lived with, and who they just visited with. They called both fathers Daddy and both mothers Mommy.
I'm very glad that you are going with the open adoption. I would have loved this growing up.

Boo Mama

The person that said that you are not her real parents and more like her foster parents is not only full of $hit but also a idiot. You are her parents. You are the ones that WANTED to raise her. You get up in the night with her and love her and whom she looks for when she needs comfort.

I applaud you for letting them stay so close in her life but it is really up to you and your husband what she calls them and you have every right to tell them so. You are her parents.

I also want to tell you that Yahoo Answers is very anti adoption as you can tell by all the thumbs down that people get when their post make sense and all the thumbs up that idiots get.

avi

They are her mommy and daddy, just as you and your husband are. Kids are smart and I don't really think she'll get confused. And if she does, you'd just explain adoption to her until she understands. After all, many kids have two sets of grandparents and they're not confused about it. Usually, they come up with their own names to differentiate one set of grandparents from another. When she's older, she'll likely do the same with you and her birthparents. She sees you and your husband everyday. She knows who mama and dada are.

kidmindi

I am an adoptive om in an open adoption. I talked this over with my daughter's first mom and we agreed that until she is old enough to decide on her own, her first mom will me "Aunt A_____" My bio kids call her Aunt A______ as well.

She isn't being raised to think that A____ is her bio aunt or anything. My kids call my close friends Aunt or Uncle out of respect, (every other adult is Miss____ or Mr____)

I am also an adoptee, and I called my adoptive mom Momma and I call my first mom Mom...Your daughter may choose to call her first parents Mom and Dad someday, but I agree having 2 ppl call themselves mom and dad can be confusing.

Another option would be for the first parents to be Mommy___First Name___ and Daddy ___First Name____.

btw, I am glad to hear ppl promising open adoption and KEEPING it that way. So many times it is closed as soon as the ink is dry on the adoption papers..

Sofiakat

Although our adoption is court ordered closed, we refer to my kids mom
as Mum and then her first name. Ie Mum-Janis looks beautiful in that picture!

Lori A

I haven't read any of your answers. I was not around when my daughter was growing up. closed adoption. BUT she does not call me mom of any sort in our reunion. She DOES however refer to us as her mother and father. The parents who raised her and are still very much alive and around are her mom and dad.

I think that if you can differentiate between mom and dad AND mother and father, there really won't be much of a problem except with outsiders who business it isn't anyway. Children will accept anything as normal when young, they don't know any different. I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing.

Mom to Foster Children

I wondered the same thing - We fostered a little boy till he was almost 2 years old and we still get to see him - even though his father got full custody of him. He still walks in my house and says "hi mommy" and I just don't respond. Now when he leaves I say come tell (my name) bye and I get a big hug and a kiss. He calls both his daddy and my husband daddy and it doesn't seem to bother his dad - but it bothers us. I would just suggest that they put their first names after the words mommy and daddy so she can acknowledge both of her parents but she can also differentiate between the both of you!

LinnyG

First off, let me congratulate you on having an open adoption. As an adoptee, I 100000000% believe that's the way it should be.

As other posters have said, most of us grow up with at least 2 sets of grandparents. Its not a big deal.

To make your daughter call them something else might make her feel bad at some point. It is our truth...we DO have 2 sets of parents, and each set has a different role. I just feel setting up the terms "Mommy and Daddy" as a boundary of sorts is not a good idea. Its almost telling your daughter (if she were older and could fully understand) that you are setting limits as to whom she can love.

I know that sounds extreme, but that would have been my thoughts if my parents had done that. I also think it's going to make her first parents very defensive. What you guys are doing now is working, and it is what is best for your daughter. Why mess with a good thing?

Kids are not stupid. They will pick up on this. My advice is to continue being honest and open. Your daughter will thank you when she's older.

MamaKate is an Aunt!

I agree with Fuaite. Your child will certainly be able to discern the difference between her everyday Mommy and her biological Mom who is only around every now and then.

My step-children have never been confused about who is who. When I married their father, their Mother and I talked about terminology since the kids had started to call me Mom on visits and I was worried about it offending her. My step-daughter, then age 4, came up with this: Their biological mother is "Mommy" and I'm "Mommie". She and I both agreed and have been happy with the arrangement. It has been that way since the youngest of the three was 2. (He is 14 now.)

H******

It's not confusing. I had more than one 'Grandma' and 'Grandpa'. I was adopted as a child and I DO have two Mommies and two Daddies. I understood this from a very early age.

Please don't allow your position in your child's life be threatened by this. And yes, perhaps gently suggest either they or you and hubby use 'mom and dad' to differentiate

cathrl69

I don't see why it's particularly confusing. My kids grew up with two different people visiting regularly, both of whom were called "granny".

You might need to have some simple way of identifying which "mommy" is being talked about once your daughter starts talking. Maybe she could be "mommy Sue" or whatever her name is.

SLY

You are clearly staking your claim! It is evident in the opening of your question. You refer to the mother of you daughter, as "The Birth Mother" and yet you refer to the child as "my daughter". Interesting, this.

You obviously have issues with the woman who gave birth to the daughter that you are raising. This tells more about your insecurity than it does about what the natural parents are called. Children are not stupid. Give the kid some credit, for crying out loud.

And, you might want to work on your attitude towards the people whose genetics she carries. If you have as much contempt for them as your question is suggesting, it is only a matter of time before she becomes aware of it, and questions her own worth in your eyes. After all, she does come from them.

Your job is to protect and raise her, which you said that you were better equipped for than the natural parents and agreed to when you adopted her. It is not her job (or theirs) to guard YOUR feelings. It is yours.

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