Should I tell my son his natural mother's name?

sports4me

You should tell him the way it happened. Tell him the truth about what happened of what you know. Also don't forget to tell him that the agency srewed up. After all you can't lie about it cause it is a serous thing not like a cookie is missing from the cookie jar and who took it. You can always find another cookie so that is not serous but his is cause it is part of a family where the truth and the honestly is what is more important don't give him a hole in his heart. Fill it with the truth. Also last but not least how would you feel just put your shoes in his (I know I would want to find out even if my real mother did not want me to) cause it is your real mother. Don't wait cause the longer you do the more it will hurts to find the truth. BUT ONLY TELL HIM WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT SO HE UNDERSTANDS OF WHAT IS GOING ON!!!
It is best for him to know before it is to late.
Hope it helps and good luck with everything!!!

star_2

i know you are probley going through alot. but what i think is that if you are going to tell him you need to be able to make shure you can handle whatever reaction he will have to the info. if it was me i would not even bring that up and when he did i would say that i knew but i wasent supposed to know and i would do the right thing and keep that accidental info to myself. i hope you make the right choice for your self and your baby.

kristus412

When he's 18. If he asks if you know tell him yes but only by accident and if when he is 18 he wants to know you will tell him. If you lie and say you don't and he finds out later he will feel betrayed however if you are upfront with the story as you know it he may be upset bet not betrayed. You are just looking out for the best interest of your child. I wouldn't tell him as a young child that his birth mom didn't want any information on him just that it was a closed adoption and some one made a mistake. So you will follow the law the way it was supposed to be until he is and adult to decide for him self.
However, you may consider telling him at age 12 or whatever age you decide you will tell him her first name but will not give the last until he is 18.

Just me

Being honest is very important. I would tell him if he should ask. I would include in that same conversation with him the request of his mother. The mother could have said this thinking it would be less painful for her and your son. If your Son still decides that he wants to look her up; make sure he is aware that she may reject him. I really hope she would not, but if he knows you are looking out for his best interest and you are there being supportive this may bring him much needed peace with in himself. Good Luck.

kelannde

If she didn't want her identity known, I'm sure she had a good reason. She gave you the "gift" of this child - give her the gift of her privacy. Tell your son the truth - which is that his birth mother did not want to be identified.

Lori A

If he asks tell the truth. He deserves to know his mothers name.

NO she does not have the right to privacy. She has the right to tell him face to face or over the phone that she does not want a relationship with him but she does not have the right to expect him to obide by something she set up to suite her. Many first mothers have been known to change their mind about contact over the years any way.

janine k

The wishes expressed by your son's natural mother could change over the years so I do not see any harm in you telling him in the future as he does have a right to know and she might regret not knowing him.At the same time just make it known to him what his natural mother's wishes at the time of his birth and let him know that,even though she might have changed her mind,not to be too upset if she hasn't.

Nurse Jacqui

If you are going for open and honest, then I think you should tell your son how you got the information and what his birthmother's wishes were. Allow him to make the decision about what to do with it. It's not fair to withold the info regardless of how you got it. Time can change the way a person feels. She may want to hear from him now(especially if she was young and has now had time to mature and understand the implications of her decision).

*Obviously, this needs to be done at the appropriate age.

star

tell him the hole story about u getting the papers and ask wat he thinks his feelings be4 hers in a way i hope this helps

smiller61405

Tough situation!

On the one hand you want to stick to your agreement with her, but on the other hand, your son will want to know. Maybe you can tell him after his 18th birthday.

It's a tough call. So many thoughts and feelings to both sides.

Tonia

Wow. I hate to say this, but you need to watch out for your child's well-being. I'd tell him the truth... using age-appropriate language. Let him know of his natural mother's wishes to stay private because she thinks its in his/her best interest. Best wishes.

Bo Peep

Yes you tell him. I am assuming that he knows, or will grow up knowing of his adoption and what you are referring to is telling him the name of his natural mother. If so then YES you should tell him, when he is ready to hear it. It does not do to make a big deal out of it....like you are telling him some great dark secret from the past. I'd simply drop it into coversation....when he is the right age or when he asks something about her you can say, 'Oh yes, you know I believe her name was .....' and give her first name only at this stage. Let him get used to that. Later you can tell him her surname too....but you must say that you found out by accident but that you made a note of it because you thought it would be important to him to know.

I found out everything I could about my daughter's history. I bugged everybody for information and I now know tons about my daughter's birth family...tons of things that I should not have been told...but it is amazing what people will tell you unwittingly. I even managed to get photos! Whenever I found something out I wrote it down in a note book immediately.

I believe children who have more information about their past are more settled in life and able to cope better. If they have some kind of idea about why they were adopted and who their first parents were it helps them to work out who they are and where they fit into the world. I honestly feel huge frustration for peope who just don't know. I love my daughter to tiny bits and would do anything to help her...

Personally, whilst I would want to respect any birth parents right to anonymity, I don't think they have the right to deprive a child that they brought into the world of the knowledge of their biological roots. Sure they can opt out of a relationship if that is their choice, but the child still needs information.

Yes, I do think that you should tell him if he asks. Just knowing her name does not mean that he will do anything that would violate her confidentiality with the information. It is just something that he should know.

Ramona-please step back!

put yourself in your son's place and then answer your own ?

Blakelys Mommy

Unfortunatly this happens sometimes but in a lot of cases (i dont know the details of yours) the mother will eventually get curious herself!! When he is ready or old enough and you tell him about him being adopted...if he asks then you should tell him her name b/c you do know and you dont want to lie....however explain to him that it was a closed adoption and neither party wanted to know! Reguardless he is your son and alway will be reguarless if he finds his birth mother.

Independ"ant"

Absolutely. Its his right. Children first and 9 out of 10 times mothers change their minds/or it wasn't what they truly wanted in the 1st place.

Edit: Like I said most mothers either change their mind or never truly wanted it closed. I have never met 1 mother who had placed her child reject her child when they came looking. Almost all are waiting. You risk a bigger chance of your son rejecting you, if you withhold the info. I've seen that happen, one too many times, when they searched behind their a-parents backs. There are many adoptee's that are told it was a closed adoption when in fact it was open. Those are the worst cases.

Stop the Hate Love instead

Hmmm I donâ€™t see any harm in telling him. The truth is he may one day ask if you know his birthmothers name and you do so you should be honest. â€œTommy your birthmothers name is Sarah Helen Parker. However Sarah did not want us to know this and we found out solely by fault of the adoption agency that accidentally sent paperwork with her name on it.â€

If you say you donâ€™t know and he ever finds out that you lied to him he could be quite upset and even feel betrayed. You might also notify the agency of this so that they can be more carefully next time.

ducky_girl_trinh

You should tell him when he`s a little older and mature.Your son has the right to know who`s his real mom is.I don`t think you should tell him if you actually know her and she is a terrible person..not saying that she is.

H******

Yes. Adoption is not the witness protection program

Zuko

Even though I fully feel he has the right to know, I would wait until he's 18. Then there's no back lash on YOU for telling him the truth. Give him the name and let him do his search when he is able.

I just want to say that I think it's great you're willing to be fully honest with your son. Continue that trend.

Best wishes,
Zuko

ETA: Your main concern should be for the child. It's okay to express to him that she wanted no contact (in fact, it's advisable) but ultimately, the final decision should be up to him. When he's old enough, let HIM decide what's best for him like we're all expected to as adults.

He didn't have a choice over the adoption. Let him have the choice with what to do with it.

blank stare

You should tell him her name even if he doesn't ask. If he doesn't want to do anything with it, that should be his decision.

Regarding her wishes... Honestly, I think that giving birth - actually carrying a child to term - carries with it responsibilities to that child that no legal arrangement can erase. Your son has no right to a relationship with her. She is free to shun him, if she so chooses. But she does not have the right to remain anonymous. She chose to carry this pregnancy to term and give birth to your son. She is linked to him for the rest of both of their lives. No parent has the right to be anonymous to their own child.

Well-wishes to your son.

â™¥ÏÎ±Ïƒâ„“Î±!Ãœ

yuo should because he has 2 no either way.

JoHn S.

We are facing the same thing. We know the bmom wanted a closed adoption. And, as much as we want to respect her wishes, our children come first. We have the information, and will show it when we feel the time is right. Just taking a guess, I would think at, or around the age of 18. But, maturity comes at various ages and times in a person's life. So, we will just wait to determine what age, at a later date.

It's also possible that the bparents changed their mind throughout the years and could be more than willing to form a relationship some day.

Laurel J

Yes.

SuperFicial

He has a right to know . WHEN HE IS READY.
(old enough to understand)
Tell him the truth. Because If you dont he might feel you betrayed him and cant be trusted. Ask him does he want to know and explain to him what his mother want

Esmerelda

I think you should be perfectly honest with him when he asks. You should also have a frank discussion about the fact that his birth mother did not want contact. There are a lot of reasons for this, none of which reflect on him. Life is hard enough without adding lies to the equation. If your son would find out later that you knew and didn't tell him, it would hurt worse than having the truth up front.

Katie C

He has a right to know his birth mother's name. If he doesn't know that he is adopted then i suggest telling him. It only gets worse if you tell him later.

Jas

Yes you should because its the right thing to do. Its there fault not you'res or the childs so its there problem. He might need to find her one day for a medical reason ect. and will need that information! Plus you wouldn't want someone lying to you just tell him the name but explain the situation.

amyhpete

I absolutely think you should tell him if he asks. If he is old enough to ask he is old enough to know that she specifically wanted a closed adoption. There could be many reasons for this -- maybe she was ill -- maybe she was in a bad situation -- maybe she felt bad and wanted to go on with her life and not worry that someone might come looking for her one day.

So...if he can be relied upon to respect her right to a closed adoption for what she must feel are important reasons then I think he can at least know her name and if he thinks about her can pray or send good thoughts on the breeze to Tina Anderson (whatever her name is) -- a real person.

3 girls and 1 boy for me!

You definitely should tell him her name. I think you need to hold onto that information until he is old enough to deal with the fact that he may be rejected by her. Hopefully, she has changed her mind and will be open to meeting her son.

JennaBear

most definitely ted! I grew up knowing my natural mother's name and it really helped me conceptualize things. the whole concept of natural mom or birthmom (as was the term I grew up with), is so abstract, but to attach a name to it helps tremendously! The more you talk openly about your son's adoption the better off he'll be.

And while the mother might have initially chosen closed adoption with not wanting to know anything about her/your son, there is always room for her to change her mind. Many people choose the closed route in an attempt to pretend the birth never happened (because of the pain). Who knows what might happen in the next X amount of years between when your son learns her name and if he ever chooses to do anything about it. If your son ever tries to find her and she doesn't want to be found at that time, she can decide to not have contact then, you know, like most of us adults do when we just don't want someone around. (I hope this doesn't happen, though!)

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