Should adoptees feel "proud"?

Patti

Yeah I find that quite offensive as well. I'm extremely proud to have been adopted by my parents, they are amazing people are honestly I would have had a terrible life without them. My birth mother was an alcoholic 17 year old, I have no reason to not be proud of being adopted. I love my family, and I love the fact that my parents adopted me.

Takikio

What type of question is that. Yes I'm very proud to be adopted by my parents. I would not ever change it for anything. Just because you aren't giving birth doesn't mean you cant be a proud parent. That question was ill thought out and quite offensive.

Emily

I was adopted as a baby. My adoptive parents told me right from the start. They didnt see my adoption as something to be ashamed of or to be secretive about. And because of this i grew up my whole life not seeing the big deal, and just being me.

Im a university student, had a date to my highschool prom, had many boyfriends, i have lots of friends, i have travelled to almost every continent on this planet except Australia and Antarctica (my dad's job has us travel~)

I think being adopted hasnt ruined me at all lol. In fact, i think i have a better life than most people who i know who ARE'NT adopted...

Adoption, Marriage= Love is love.

Its too bad people have this fixed idea of what "normal family" is. But love is love, doesnt matter in the end* :)

Big Daddy R

Do most APs expect their adoptive children to feel proud to be adopted? NO
Honestly I don't expect t anything. There are so many emotions that go with being adopted and it depends on the person what and when they feel. He may have questions and look for his biological family. Which I am prepared for and we have a copy of his Original birth certificate and other info on his family.
He may want nothing to do with them and not look. He may flip flop and feel one way one day then another later which is all okay. He may not like the idea of being adopted (Which I know is a possibility but hope to GOD its not but I at least know it is there. I don't expect him to be grateful, proud or even happy about it I have no control over another persons feelings.

Katy

As an AP and Adoptee I don't necessarily think anyone needs to be proud of being adopted. I love my APs and I'm proud they are my parent's, but I'd be proud if they were my biological parent's too, being adopted doesn't change that picture in the slightest.

Same feelings for my kids. I hope they're proud I'm their mother, but I don't expect them to necessarily be proud of being adopted.

aloha.girl59

As an AP, I say no. Adoptees shouldn't have to feel ANYTHING they don't naturally feel...just as no one else should be told to feel a certain way.

I hope that my son feels proud of himself for being such a good reader. For being well-traveled. For having an amazing vocabulary. And for lots of other things. But feeling proud because he was adopted? No. That's something *I* did, not him. He had no choice in it. However, I don't think it's something he should be ashamed of, either.

Nic

My parents never expected me to be proud of being adopted but I was never ashamed of who I was or where I came from either.

I was taught to take pride in accomplishments that I made myself not things that were beyond my control. I was, for example, patted on the back for getting good marks and was allowed to be proud of the work that went into getting those marks. It was not, however, acceptable to be proud of being pretty, or proud of anything else that came without effort. That would not be pride but conceit. If something comes without work then what is there to take pride in?

7rin

Oh yes, I'm totally proud of being such a wayward baby that I managed to get kicked out of home at 7mths old. *rolls eyes*

Honest & Sober

Well, tickle me pink and f'me one million times. Since when has adoption been a badge of honor for adoptees to wear?

Opedial

Proud to be adopted? um no.

Proud to have overcome their obstacles, yes. Proud at who they are, yes.

At best I want them to accept that adoption is their reality, that it was a necessary evil so to speak, but in that acceptance they will find pain.

Isn't feeling proud to be adopted like feeling proud to be born? I am not proud to be born, in fact, I had very little to do with it, and my mom says I made it very difficult for her in fact!

monkeykitty83

I hope my kids take pride in their accomplishments. I hope they take pride in being loving, caring, compassionate people of integrity. Those things are actually within their control.

How they entered the family? Really not in their control. So I don't really see anything to be proud about. I mean, I certainly wouldn't want my kids to be ashamed to be adopted, but... pride? I just don't really see why they would, and it wouldn't be my expectation or desire for them.

I'd rather my kids take pride in what they've done or their character than something that just happened to them because of the actions of others.

Iama

I can't say I feel proud of being adopted. As a previous poster has mentioned, I too am proud of having survived being adopted, but the adoption itself was not MY choice.

It involved no volition on my part, I didn't contribute to it in any way, so I can't see what there is about it to be proud of.

Noctis

I didn't do anything to be proud of. Adoption is just a part of me and who I am. I accept it as something that happened that drastically changed the course of my life, I am happy with where I am in life, but I didn't do anything and being adopted wasn't some huge achievement that I accomplished. Adoption is nothing to be proud of, only something to be accepted.

Carol c

Sunny, you are asking APs if they expect their children to be proud to be adopted.
I think there are some who have bought into the myth that their child should be proud to have been "chosen"... they've told the story so many times that they believe it themselves; not getting the fact that they were probably just the next in line on the waiting list.

It goes along with others thinking adoptees should be grateful - grateful and proud to be selected by this benevolent family willing to love another mother's child.

It's a ridiculous comment. How can someone feel proud when their first mother gave them up? And as BJ Lifton says - adoptees know they were 2nd best in most cases. Their adoptive parents would have preferred to have had their own blood heirs..

maybe

Well, if adoption is something to be proud of then why are the records sealed? Things are locked away in secret only when someone is NOT proud of the situation and has something to hide.

Someone who is proud to adopt or be adopted would also have no need for a falsified birth certificate that claims they are biologically related.

The adoption system itself implies that there is nothing to be proud of in adoption.

Pip

I just don't get it why an adoptee should feel proud to be adopted. Does that mean anybody who wasn't should feel ashamed for not being adopted?

Walter Ford II

The person that posted it is trying to ignore reality and her conscience. She wants to hear that she will be a "savior" by purchasing a child and removing them from their country.

I don't feel proud that I've lost my mother, my natural family and everything associated with my country of birth.
I'm beyond ashamed of my Aps. I'm painfully embarrassed to be associated with them.

kidmindi

On the contrary, I felt like being adopted was a dirty little secret. Of coruse that was because that is how my APs treated it. I was embarrased about it and didn't tell a lot of people when I was younger.

I do not expect that my daughter will be proud of being adopted. There isn't anything about her story to be proud of. I expect that she will be sad that her adoption was necessary. I expect that she will wonder why her first mom did the things she did and why she isn't around as much as she could be. I expect she may even be angry at everyone. I expect she will hurt a lot. Proud?? Nope that one never even crossed my mind.

Cambria

@ Patti and Blinka

I love my adoptive family too. They also taught me to be proud of my accomplishments. What I don't understand is how loving my family or being adopted is an "accomplishment" Maybe you need to calm down and actually read the question.

To answer: No. I'm not "proud" of being adopted and more than I am proud of any other random thing that occurred to me without my having any input or influence.

The Heckler

To me it is a condescending statement. Kind of like when you call a kid with disabilities as "special" I have never felt "proud" to be adopted.

cathrl69

I think pride should be reserved for achievements. Being adopted isn't an achievement. It's like being proud of having blonde hair or of being tall or of being born in London.

Wellspring

"proud"?? are they kidding?

It's a tragedy any child would find his/herself up for adoption.

Matt

There is nothing to be proud of!

kitta

It sounds to me like people who say they are proud to be adopted are competitors in the "'better life contest."

I guess that is not too different than some people who brag about their heritage, ethnicity, ancestors, and other "accomplishments."

I am left with wondering what is the point of such pride, anyway...

AnnaBelle

I wish many, many things for my children, like any mother.

I wish for them to feel safe, loved and secure with my husband and I.

I wish for them to feel connected to one another, and to support each other.

I wish for them to feel safe coming to us with questions, and I wish for them to have access to their information as soon as it is safe.

I wish for them to feel safe using that information in whatever capacity they feel they need to, without fearing reprisal from anyone, especially us.

I wish for them to feel confident, and to be able to love themselves, and choose relationships in their lives that do the same.

I wish for them to be happy and fulfilled, whether they want to be physicists, trash collectors, artists, whatever...

But...proud? Really? I guess to me it just seems kind of....irrelevant to want your child to be proud of being adopted. That sounds like it's more about the AP's receiving validation from their child that adoption "hasn't affected them". Adoption is preceded by tragedy, no matter how good it turns out. It seems to me that putting that on your kid is incredibly unfair, and really attempts to oversimplify and invalidate the very complex feelings they may have.

ETA: Whoa, whoa, whoa! For all those jumping down Sunny's throat, calm down for a second...The question never said you should feel "ashamed" of being adopted. Or that you should hate your adoptive family. The question asked specifically about pride. NOT feeling pride doesn't necessarily make you ashamed, nor does it automagically mean that you hate your adoptive family.

Yikes. Sensitive crowd tonight.

ETA2: SLY: I was referring to a couple of posters who conflated the issue, and said that Sunny's question was "ill thought out", amongst other things. I just couldn't understand the leap between a question about pride and someone repeating adamantly that they love their AP's. Seemed like a bit of an overreaction to me, and I had to wonder if they even read the question.

SJM

Being adopted was something that happened to me without my knowledge, effort, or input. My ap's seemed to have been pretty proud to have adopted until the cute wore off. I don't personally ever remember sharing in their enthusiasm.

SLY

What an odd idea! Proud to be adopted? Why would anyone feel "proud" of being adopted? Proud to be born? Are they proud of being women or men? Are they proud of breathing? Are they proud of being alive? Sheesh! '

To suggest that someone is proud of something always infers the opposite, which is shame. So, if someone is adopted and doesn't feel proud, are they then ashamed? Are people who are born and live with their natural parents ashamed of NOT being adopted?

Where is there pride or shame in being adopted? It just is....

LinnyG

I don't get that, either, Sunny. Why would I be "proud"? I didn't do anything. Like I said in the question, I am not "proud" of being adopted.

I am proud of surviving a lifetime of pain, confusion, judgment & genetic bewilderment due to living with complete strangers. THAT is what I am proud of. That I survived living an abnormal life, and I am "somewhat" normal and I am trying to change the system. I am proud I searched for my first family and have good relationships with most of them. I am NOT proud that I am adopted. That's just ridiculous. I am not proud of painful things that have happened to me. Should I be proud I was raped, too?

eta: My comments are directed towards anyone who feels adoptees should be proud. Sunny was referring to an earlier post made by an International pap.

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