Shouldn't adoptees wait for their birth mothers to find them?

TotalRecipeHound

Your question clearly shows how ignorant you are. So much so that your question is almost offensive. Do you know how difficult it is to find your child? Many spend YEARS looking and posting their information on every adoption reunion site they can find. In many cases, the child's birthdate was altered, even birth place.

Jackie B

Maybe some don't want to be found, but I think probably more are thinking they don't want to disrupt their child's life. If the child has had a very happy childhood with the adoptive parents, she may think her search will turn this child's life upside down and cause a lot of trauma. Maybe some mothers feel like they have no right because they relinquished. In all those cases I think the mother truly has the child's best interests in mind although the child might really want to meet her too. From what I've seen from the b moms here, they all seem very happy with reunion or the thought of it.

FlyingMonkeySwatter

Why should they wait? How would they know unless they went to search in the first place? I would be the next darn Sherlock Holmes if I didn't know my background and nparents, sisters, brothers etc just because I am a curious SOB. It would be that tooth with the rough edge that my tongue kept going back to through no conscious thought of my own.

blank stare

My mother was told not to search because adoptees don't want to be found. She believed that and stopped searching for me.

If I listened to your advice, with other people giving her the same advice, no one would ever find each other.

No parent has the right to privacy to not be known by their own children. That is a misconstrual of the right to privacy.

More than 90% of all mothers who relinquished children for adoption want to be found.

You do not speak for mothers.

And you have no business speaking to adoptees.

kidmindi

Nope, my birthmother wanted desperately to find me, but she wanted to respect MY choice to meet her. Anyone has the right to search.

BTW, if they would open our records then maybe your question would make sense (no not really)..but since our records are sealed, how are our birthmom supposed to magically know where we are??????

tish_part deux

seriously, stop.

Big Daddy R

Ok this makes no sense to me. She may be looking and may have been looking for years. Often times adoptees names are changed and all a first mother has is a birth day. If the adoptee has any identifying info it may be easier to find them or if you are both looking and posting on boards you may stumble on each other. Just because she has not found you does not mean she did not or has not tried.
Look at Heather on this board she was adopted and went to the UK how would her mother found her. Or mothers who lost their kids during BSE they have no info

kateiskate is getting married

I'm not at all sure about your reasoning, Ollie. No offense meant by that. Most Korean first moms that relinqushed their kids to adoption did it because they were guilted and shamed into that decision often by family, friends, and society/culture. There's a huge stigma over there against single/widowed mothers. Why would my first mom seek me out if she was shamed/guilted into her decision? Also, I think like all relationships, this relationship should work both ways. If you don't want to look for her, why should she look for you?

SLY

Many of the women I know from the EMS/BSE were told that if they attempted to find the children that they lost to adoption that they would be imprisoned, and any subsequent children they may have given birth to would be removed from them. I guess that after being spiritually, emotionally and physically broken it was easy to convince them.

Randy B

About the only thing I can say to that question is what if the mother was unable to find the child regardless of how hard they tried. Doesn't it make more sense to have the possibility of searches from both ends in order to maximize the potential for success? That way, if one party or the other doesn't want to be contacted at least that can be articulated at that time. But if they do want to be contacted then there is more hope for success if both are looking.

sam22254

I feel it's up to the person. It took 16 months of even asking the adoption agency in court to find where they took my grandson. The adoption agency that took him have gone as far as ship birth mothers out of state to have their child just to hid where the child is born so the birth father's wouldn't be able to claim the child. If a adoption agency would go this far to hid a child do you think that they would tell the natural mother any thing. There was a case where the child died and the natural mother didn't find out until years latter. I don't believe that any records need to be sealed why hid the fact of who the child came from. The child has a right to know. The gift of life did not come from her but god she is the one who chose not to keep the gift. And the child should not have to pay the price of this gift.

Andraya - Snark's Sister

Who's privacy? I don't have a birth mother so I don't get your question.

scorpio_queen_2003

my birth mother could not search as she had no info on me.she had to wait for me to find her,which was very hard work and took me 12 yrs!.oh,if only it were so simple for the moms to look for us...

â™¥â™¥Ritaâ™¥â™¥

Good Gollie Miss Ollie.....you sure come up with some whoppers!!

I thought gifts were for Christmas , birthdays and the like......gift of Life?? Bah hum bug!!

Why would the adoptee wait for the parent to come find them?? Why wait?? Why put it off?? If everyone is at a stand off.....what gets accomplished?? Nothing!!

<yawn>

I am going back to bed....

Lori A

I signed nothing that resembled a no contact veto. I did sign adoption papers. I did have a closed adoption. I verbally agreed to never look for her. I was told I could not seek a relationship with her, but the agency wanted me to name her so that reunion would be more doable later on.

So you tell me, what part of that says she should never have looked for me because I wanted my privacy.

I ALWAYS wanted to see her again. Deep inside I knew I would, but she had to find me, because I promised and as rare as it is these days I am a woman of my word.

If a mother wants no relationship with the child she bore, in my opinion she owes that child those words to their face.

Keep trying Ollie.

jeni5844@yahoo.com

i was not a gift.

and no, i got screwed for long enough. it was my turn to take back control.

Isabel A

For most adoptees it isn't even about meeting people, it's about having the same rights as everyone else and having access to our original birth certificates and our medical history. Every American adopted or otherwise should have those rights.
And we shouldn't have to get permission to get it.

SJM

Actually, I did wonder about this. That's why when I found her, I didn't knock on her door first. I knew from the records of the adoption agency that it was her father who signed the papers. I had no clue what had transpired over the 21 years since my birth, and I didn't want to cause her any trouble. So I knocked on my grandfather's door. Besides, he was the one I wanted the explanation from.

When he answered the door, I told him who I was. He cried, gave me a hug, and told me he was very glad to see me. He spent the rest of the evening visiting with me and showing me family pictures. He called my mother who arranged to see me the next day since she lived 100 miles away. He also called his oldest daughter who came over to visit.

I never told him I knew it was his idea. It just didn't seem necessary.

When I met my mother the next day, she wanted to know why I didn't contact her when I turned 18. She thought I would be told who she was. She had decided I just didn't want to meet her, and she had been very hurt by it.

BLW_KAM

Ollie,
You are fascinating in a Pollyanna sort of way.

Let me answer your question with a question. Would you stand still hoping the future finds you or would you go out and make something happen?

Successful people pursue their dreams.

Robin

Wow. You might want to read the book, "The Girls Who Went Away"; a collection of birth moms' stories before making such a sweeping assumption.

Of course many adoptees worry a great deal about intruding on our 1st moms' lives. How do we make contact? We don't want to "out" our 1st moms to their families. I certainly didn't. If I wrote her a letter, would a husband read it? If I call, who do I say I am if she doesn't answer?

In my case, my 1st mom said she wanted to find me but felt she had no right to look for me. I felt the same...afraid I had no right to look for her. Turns out everyone in her family knew about me & were waiting for me to find them!

Her "gift of life"...seriously?! While abortion was available, it was neither legal nor safe when I was conceived. Even if it had been, she wouldn't have chosen it because she wanted me. She was hoping for a daughter & did not willingly give me up. I was taken from her because she was a (divorced) poor working mom before welfare existed. DSS decided that she didn't make enough money to keep me & for a while, she was "living with a man to whom she was not married". That statement was actually in the court records (more than once)!

BTW: I was taken from my 1st mom - who wanted me - & given to a woman who didn't, but reluctantly agreed to my adoption to make my dad (her new husband) happy. I didn't get a pony OR a tiara either! LOL

ETA: Not everyone on the planet has access to a computer or is aware of mutual registries.

"In a comprehensive study of the issues involved in adoption, the Maine Department of Human Resources Task Force on Adoption found in 1989 that every birth parent who was surveyed wanted to be found by the child/adult they had placed for adoption..."
This & other stats can be found at the following web site:
http://statistics.adoption.com/information/adoption-statistics-birth-family-search.html

Linny G

No way. Most n Moms were brainwashed and don't believe they are even worthy of knowing us, much less loving us.

How many of us made decisions when we were younger that make us cringe now??? I know what I believed when I was in my 20's makes me laugh now that I am in my 40's.

Some a p's or baby brokers make the argument that our mothers signed a contract that gave up the right to ever know us. Well, guess what? People change their minds. All the time. Marriages are dissolved, leases are broken, etc etc.

Plus, us adoptees never signed anything. If we search and on the RARE occasion our mothers do not want to know us, THEN we will respect her privacy, but only then.

Ollieo, your questions NEVER cease to amaze me."was her gift of life not enough for you???" God, someone beat you with the guilty stick, didn't they? Come on over to reality, girl...it's sometimes scary, but it's honest!
Muwah!

â˜†**â€¢Â¸Hey! You asked!Â¸â€¢**â˜†

wow. YOU ARE IGNORANT!!

å°é»ƒ

Oh, fiddlesticks. What will you think up next, OllieO?

I have to admit, your questions are actually kind of amusing.

[For all you individuals out there who are searching, do you not believe if she wanted to meet you she would have found you to tell you about your roots?]

Ya know, even before I found my mother, I thought she would reject me. I thought she might not want to know me, have no interest in me, or pretend I didn't exist.

If she felt that way, then I wanted her to tell me that in letter HERSELF. I even gave her the chance to reject me, because I said her in my FIRST letter, "If you don't want to know me, that's okay. I'll respect your decision. I just wanted to let you know: I'm alright."

And you know what? She sent back a translated response. The world didn't end or burst up in flame. The planets remained in alignment. No one was traumatized. Things were okay. *mock gasp*

I don't need to hear that third-parties on a website such as Y!A assume that since my mother never searched for me, that must automatically mean she didn't want me. Because it's NOT true.

I actually got a lecture on my neighbour's doorstep citing the very things you just questioned about - "If she really wanted to meet you, she would have searched for you."

Ha. Ha.

I beg to differ.

almost human

fat chance.
she probably can't speak, read, or write my language.

there is an ocean between us (literally)
she probably doesn't know which country in the world i was sent to

you try finding one child out of 6.6 billion people in the world

i was raised before computers - imagine how hard it would be for someone older to connect

how hopeless if she did in her lifetime have even one moment of regret
how stupid to penalize her for economic and social conditions that oppressed women

how stupid to not want to THANK HER for that gift of life.

how stupid would it be for me to wait one second longer and only meet her tombstone?

Gaia Raain

You could say the exact same thing about first mothers, and it would make exactly the same amount of sense: none. What do you care if other people search or not? If you don't want to search, don't. It's ok. No one's telling you what to do.

opedial

I think everything (okay most things) are about the children. If a child needs to know her DNA, where she comes from etc. then she has every right to that information. No one is saying every reunion will turn out good, but every adult adoptee has the right to search and seek answers.

If someone chooses to give birth, then they are attached to that child forever, regarldess of why they separated from their child. That choice does not guarantee their privacy. In many cases it seems perhaps the first mother did not want to search the child out for fear of interfering with their life, but in reality it was what the adoptee wanted all along.

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