So what exactly is my alternative to adoption in my situation?

Ok, I've been called selfish, stupid, uneducated, and now a liar because I'm going to place my baby for adoption. It is assumed that I'm poor, unemployed and in an abusive relationship. When I say I'm none of those things, then I'm told I'm lying about having a baby-wth?

So please, all the people who have nothing but judgments and criticism, please tell me what the alternative to my situation is.

I suffer from mental illness. Severe, debilitating mental illness. I self harm, have repeatedly attempted suicide, and at times I am actually a danger to others. I have a history of assault and other violent crimes, for which I was incarcerated in psychiatric care. In the past, I have had pets that I have killed. I don't think you can understand exactly how ashamed I am of that, it tears at me to think of the suffering I have inflicted in my darkest times, and God forbid that I do that to a child.

I grew up for the majority of my life in foster care. I aged out at 18. I have no siblings, no extended family save for an alcoholic uncle who is dying from cirrhosis. Both of my birth parents have passed away, and even if they had been living I couldn't have left a goldfish in their care. Due to my illnesses, and my past, I have no close friends. My illnesses are not easily controlled. I take my meds, but sometimes they don't work. Sometimes they're inconsistent and other times they need to be monitored an adjusted. I have NO way of knowing when a dark patch is going to hit, and when it does, I'm straight back in the hospital, often for weeks, sometimes even months at a time.

Don't people get it? If I keep this baby, there is a very real chance that I will harm it. Not because I'm a bad person. I'm really not. But when I fall I fall hard. I can't even have a cat or a dog anymore. And even if I don't hurt the baby, what happens every time I go into hospital? I grew up in foster care from 6 years old. I'm not risking my child going back and forth to different foster homes, I know what's out there. The baby's father is NOT an option. Please don't make me degrade myself further by explaining why. There is also no family on his side to take the baby-none who are suitable anyway.

I'm not looking for sympathy, and I don't expect everybody to understand. But please, I have had enough humiliation and hatred hurled at me my whole life. Online forums are really all I have to get me through this and all I'm asking is for people not to insult me further. I need advice, and I need help to make the best decision I can for this baby. I tried not to get pregnant, but I did. And now I'm trying to take responsibility in the only way that I can.

H******

Not buying this tall tale

Sorry.

They father surely has extended family but I guess his rights are being overlooked entirely (if he even exists, which I doubt)

Sunny

Don't tell me, the baby's father is a drug addicted abuser who raped you and his parents are evil, too.

7rin

Taking responsibility would've been preventing the cells from continuing to divide, thus creating a baby.

Since you knew you weren't gonna be capable of looking after it yourself, you should've done the decent thing and got a bloody abortion! Otherwise, YOU are responsible for the trauma that your child WILL live with.

LinnyG

This story keeps getting more "interesting". Give the baby to his or her father's family. They aren't abusing you.

drasticbarbie

the people here are not attacking. many of them simply want to prevent more children or expectant mothers from having to experience the pain they have felt as a result of adoption. but when someone brings up the negative sides of adoption and criticizes the industry or the mindset, people take offense. you asked questions and got honest answers. don't be upset about that.

there are plenty of online forums where people will encourage you to surrender your baby. they are run by various adoption agencies and they try to only paint positive pictures of adoption and make it against policy to do anything else there.

this is not one of those. you found that out after posting your first question. if you feel like people are attacking you, find another site to post on. this site has no connection to the industry. you will find a whole range of opinions here. but if you ask for honest answers, don't be shocked when you get ones that don't just tell you what you want to hear.

Robin W

If all you say is true, then why have you not gone to the father or to your family or his for help? A kinship guardianship would keep your child in the family of origin which is much preferable to adoption where the child's name and heritage is lost to him/her. If this is impossible, then I do question the your veracity. You could find recovery in the future and a way to support yourself, possibly even a sound relationship. Surrender for adoption is a permanent solution to an often temporary problem. Even if you don't get better, it is better for your child to be with relatives than genetic strangers.

there's your option. The baby's father. He has as many rights as you do.

AnnaBelle

Why don't you call up your buddy "Arianna"? I'm sure she'd be happy to adopt your baby...

Tara

Simple. Get an abortion. Nothing wrong with that. That would be my first choice in fact. If you would rather go through the adoption process, I'm fine with that too. That's what being PRO-CHOICE is about. Not caring what others think! It's what YOU think.

I'm also not buying into all this drama. I grew up in foster care, and recently emancipated. So I think I'm pretty good at spoting someone looking for attention.

Glen F

Guardianship.
Find a lawyer in a low income/ no income clinic.
Draw up the guardianship papers.
Find someone willing to participate.

NOYB

Don't get down on yourself for knowing your limitations and identifying the potential dangers. You need to understand that a significant percentage of the people on Yahoo Answers are there because they have nobody else that will listen anymore because they are bitter and want to say things contrary to logic because it gets people to pay attention to them. They would rather have 100 critical answers than 2 real ones. I, and it sounds like you, would greatly prefer to have two or three people provide logical and sane advice.

I suggest that you speak to a therapist about this. In your case, it would probably be best if that person is already familiar with your history. Maybe you could make arrangements to have monitored visits with the child that you obviously love so much.

Some Chick

I know you don't want to give your baby up for adoption, but have you ever considered an open adoption? That way, you will still know your child and be able to love them, but trust that they are getting the care they need. I really wish I could tell you another option, but that is truly all I can think of. Best of luck :-)

drkangel210e

Usually I'm all for keeping the baby with their mother at all costs. You know yourself better than anyone else, however. It seems you have a fairly good understanding of your emotional state. If I were you and believed that I could potentially harm the baby, I would give the baby up for adoption. Try to arrange an open adoption with a couple that you have reason to believe would keep the adoption open. Speaking from the perspective of an adult adoptee who had emotional issues due to adoption, I'd have to say that my problems would have been far worse if I had ended up in foster care. Obviously, I the prospect of potential physical harm to the child outweighs the potential attachment disorder issue.

It takes a strong person to own their problems and make the best choice they can with what they were given. I won't sit here and say that you won't feel bad about giving up your child or that the child will absolutely understand your motives for doing so. As long as you know in your heart and mind that this is the right thing, it will turn out for the best.

LaraSue

If you feel you are truly doing the best thing for you and your baby, please do not allow the nay-sayers that permeate this forum to make you feel degraded for your choice. It is your life, not theirs and they cannot begin to know what it is like to be in your shoes. You need to do what you feel in right, and a bunch of strangers on the Internet have no right to try and dissuade you.

Justagirl

I understand and it is very brave and noble of you to see and accept your faults and know the dangers your child may be in if you raised it. You have put thought into your decision and are not acting irrationally.

I am looking to be an adoptive parent and honestly, I needed to hear a story like yours. I have been attacked by a few adoptees who say most babies up for adoption have been "stolen' from their parents... the parents lied to and the babies taken away. I was hesitant to adopt because I was afraid if this was true that I'd be helping these crimes to continue. I am glad to hear from someone who is giving up their child and for very well thought out reasons.

Good luck and be true to yourself. Do not be coerced to give up or not give up your child based on what someone else thinks you should do. I wish you all the best.

Cup of sherry

Try not to take some of the comments here so personal. Not all of us here are anti adoption. Take care of yourself. I think your doing the right thing

P Booo

It sounds like you have had a rough time in the past. I too admire you because your putting your baby before yourself and children should always come before anything. I think your brave. Good luck

I think it shows your really a good person by taking this all into account and finding a way that your child can have a decent life, i definaely think adoption is the best option, if you love this child and you understand that it deserves more than what you can offer, then thats the answer and you will be extremely strong tobe able to do that out of love in order to provide your child with the best life possible. Maybe contact some adoption agencies and perhaps you can find a loving family before your child is even born giving you a chance to get to know them? I wish u the best!

Ricky's Mommy- CNA

I applaud you. You seem like a very smart person who knows what her weaknesses are. I think that if adoption is what you want to do, then that is what you must do. Don't let anyone tell you that you are selfish, you are probably one of the most UNselfish people I have ever come across... you want your child to be safe, and that is a wonderful thing.

Congratulations to you for being smart and compassionate enough to know that you cannot provide a stable, safe, and happy home for your child, and choosing to give your child the opportunity to have those things.

Again, You are NOT selfish, and do not let anyone make you feel that way.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU! I wish you the very best outcome possible!

Josh Creed

Given your situation, I think you're making the "good" choice, for the baby. You're doing what is best for the future of that child and anybody who judges you in another fashion isn't seeing things from your perspective.

cricketlady

Adoption is a good plan for you to do. I understand. This is the real world and you are doing the right thing. God bless

Gemma

I understand.
I think you are being very sensible about your child. I really wish there was more i could do to help you. Its a hard choice but your doing the best you can, no one should judge you for doing that.
Good luck XX

lovemyfamily

Well, firstly can i just point out that i do not at all, think you have degraded yourself, and its your own choice as to whether or not you want to talk about your babys father. Please dont feel that opening up online is a form of degrading. I dont know exactly what your going through, but i have had some pretty personal experiences with mental illness and such. So i can empathise. I know you are not a bad person, and i cant believe people would think that of you. Yoou are doing whats best for your baby and that shows a lot of love and consideration.
I agree thats what is best for you is to put the baby up for adoption. You could always opt for an open adoption, but you probably would feel that a closed, private adoption would suit you more. Either way, its up to you as a mother. Its going to be a tough road and im sure that with the right help you will get through it, as you have done every other time.
I personally, think that you are showing alot of courage and being such a brave woman by being brutaly honest online. Knowing alot of people would give you hell. you did it anyways. So good on you for having that courage and dont let what any negative words people have to say to you, bring you down. Its not needed. You obviously are suffering enough.
I am 100% behind you on your decision to adopt your child. You will be giving him./her to a couple that will show the baby love on a stable basis. And that will make you a better birth mother in the long run, then even attemp keeping the child in your care.

Good luck, i really truely do hope you all the best =)

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