Watched my newborn son leave the hospital with his adoptive parents 2 days ago...will the pain go away?

jilliebean

you did a brave thing for your child, as far as the pain? only time can tell that, nobody else.
in many cases, as well we all know, adopted children "find" their biological parents in time, this could happen for you, too.
The life you gave the child and the family you made by doing it is heartwarming and honorable.I know a couple right now waiting to adopt, and I have a cousin that is.
A true selfless gift of love.
I believe your pain will subside, maybe even turn to pride.

××”×‘×”

Whenever you get sad, just remember that you should be proud because you did what was best for you son. You gave him up for adoption because you love him and want him to have a great life with two loving parents.

Also, it's not like you'll never see him again. In an open adoption, you can still remain a part of his life, visit him often, and watch him grow up. Remember, your son is extremely lucky -- not only does he have two amazing adoptive parents who love him dearly, he has a wonderful, loving birth mother who also adores him!

madison-faith

you wont get over it but you can get through it you did the right thing and the pain will never go away but it will get tolerable just think of all the pros for him and you im sorry you have to feel this pain i know were your at and how you feel i once felt that way to but it will get some what better

DropsOfJupiter

I'm sorry you're hurting. I honestly can't say if it'll go away or not, but remember-it was for HIM! You did an amazing thing for the baby and at least you know he's well taken cared of and loved! When you get sad just remember that you did the best thing for him! And don't let others on here turn you bitter, PLEASE. You seem like you have a refreshingly realistic view of the whole adoption (especially realizing that the adoptive parents are great, loving people instead of trying to blame them for your sadness), and don't let anyone brainwash you!

cricketlady

Yes it will get better. Remember you put someone else before yourself and in day and age that counts for a lot. The ones who complain will not be there to help you along the way . This is something only you can do and rest assured that goods adoptive parents always puts the child first--first before their needs and wants.

Zuleika born Sep2

Just like with everything else n life... You will get used to the feeling. You will always think about him because he was in your womb for 9 months... He was a little part of you.
Just like when a loved one dyes... You will remember, but with time it will be less and less... And the pain will slowly decrease. If you gave him for adoption; I am sure you have your reasons. it is better you gave that baby a better home with someone who can give him the love, education, he needs.

Dani

Well it's one of those things you don't get over, but you won't be depressed forever, It sounds like you picked an excellent family for your son, time will help, but my best friend had a baby she gave up for adoption a year ago, not quite her birthday (the baby) is coming up and she's getting depressed, I have another friend whose baby is nine now and she does just fine but every year around that birthday she gets sad, it's normal but I commend you on what you did for your son, I'm not that strong, but you knew what was best.

caught in the rain

I almost started crying for a second when I read your question. I imagine your sadness will pass, especially as you see him grow into a happy and well adjusted boy. It's only natural for you to be mourning for your baby right now, as he grew within you for the past 9 months, and your body and natural motherly instincts expected you to be caring for him right now. It must have left you with an astonishing feeling of emptiness!
You did a remarkable thing, just remember that and hold it close to your heart. Be thankful that's it's an open adoption, and know that if you wish, you can see him at any time!
Visit him soon, it will help!

i love my husband

What you did was very loving and sweet your an angle in your child's eyes and in the couple that you made parents. I just wished that me and my husband could met someone like you. We have been Very close to being a mom and dad but as I held the baby girl that I was going to take home to our home the girl decided to give her to her mother which was the baby's grandmother the girl was 17 and already had 4 kids that she didn't raise. My heart still aches for the little girl that i had in my arms for 2 seconds. but you are an angle no matter what they say about you and my heart goes out to you

Spotty-Dotty

I'm sure You knew you were going to be upset when you gave him away but if you miss him so much, why did you do that?

It's good for you that is it an open adoption, this might make things better seeing you can see your child and he will know you are (hopefully).

and thanks for saying that the adoptive parents are great people. I am sick of people abusing adoptive parents on this site. I know plenty of adoptive parents and they are brilliant parents.

Julia

idk but stay in contact w/ ur baby and u'll feel better

Clarisa L

I am a birth mom myself so i can tell you first hand on everything you are feeling i know you don't regret it because you did this for your baby's sake and you wanted him to have the better life i truly understand that part. It is difficult and of course we as mothers are going to feel depress time to time because we did had that bond for nine months. That bond was really strong i know but, remember that the decision you made for your son was for a reason and remember that reason because of money or your going to school, or other factors. My reason was because i was going to school and unfortunately i couldn't keep my daughter and my job i couldn't afford everything i wanted to give her so right now that's my reason that wanted to make myself better in life. I want to accomplish my goals in life and when she gets old enough and she ask me i will explain and she will thank me one day i know that for a fact. and it will be hard i know that but you need to remember why you did it like i said before and please don't let that depression get to you maybe try to take counseling to get you straight in life because i know the adoption agency can help with that even your insurance as well. if you want if you feel like you don't have no one you think that wont understand and you need someone to talk to email me at clarisa.l090@gmail.com because i know by first hand us mothers can help each other out remember you did this for him and that shows you loved him a lot.

Ferbs

From our communications with our son's bio mom...I don't think it ever completely goes away. But along with the pain, I am hoping you will feel some strength as to what you are capable of doing for the good of another human being. You truly are a good mother. You may not be the mother raising this boy but you have acted with kindness and consideration for him. And that comes from the heart of a good mother.

If this helps at all...in our case, she has expressed to us that she thinks we are doing a wonderful job. For her...it would have been too much. These are her words exactly. We also have an open adoption and because of that...we email, visit when she's in the country and have made tentative plans for her daughter (our son's full sibling) to vacation with us.

I wish you the best in life and in your son's life. What a precious thing he will be for this family as he certainly is for you. Any loss would be heartbreaking so early on...this would be the greatest pain I can imagine. So while I thank you for putting your needs aside to help your son in his life...I cannot express enough how truly sad I am that you are in pain.

It seems so trite to say that it will get better. I hope it does. And I hope life treats you kindly.

God bless you.

ashlea

you are very brave to to do this

its been 4 year on Sept 8th when i signed my rights away i will never forget that day or my daughter's birthday

i love my daughter's adopted parents too i went through what you are going through but it will get earlier tho but it will take time tho

Tania

Whitney, I really feel for you right now. What you're feeling is very natural having carried this little person within you for the last nine months. You are a brave woman and very selfless to consider adopting out your child to a couple. There was a time when I felt that I might be in a situation where I'd have to adopt out my son, and it was very difficult to consider that loss. I didn't follow through with it, but nevertheless, I really do empathise with the pain you are feeling.

Sometimes life deals us hard situations. We make the best of it. You will come through this over time, but like all losses, there will be times that are harder than others for you in this. Many people whose lives are touched by adoption have moments of sadness; adoption is an experience of profound loss and it is also still quite unacknowledged. This is why it's very important to surround yourself with positive and supportive people at this time... and be gentle with yourself.

I am an adoptee, and I have met many people affected by adoption - my birth mother is now a close friend, I have adopted cousins, and I'm in contact now with my extended birth family. In time, you will have an opportunity to share with your child why you've chosen this path for both of you. I'm sure you have strong reasons for your choice. This may heal some of the hurt.

As your child's first mother, you have a special role in bringing them into the world. You are very important in this child's life, and no one can take that role you have away from you. Nurture yourself... find a group of women who perhaps have been through this experience too. Many states have organisations to support people affected by adoption. The agency that helped you may have some idea of organisations you can call. I'd make recommendations but I am in Australia. There are also trained therapists with more knowledge of the grief of losing a child. Healing will take time, but it can get easier for you.

I acknowledge you for the role you have played in helping another couple start their family... it is not an easy choice. Just remember that there will be special times for you with this child too, as a friend, in the future... I met my birth mother when I was 18 as I was adopted in a closed adoption, and we have become very close. I needed to hear her stories about her life, her interests, her family, her love with my father... and knowing her helped me feel more of a real person. I longed to see her all my childhood. She was very real to me, even though I wasn't allowed to see her. You are very important to this child and being in an open adoption, you will have time to share with them also.

I hope this is a help. Please take care.

Pip

It's something that gets easier to deal with time. Remember it's still raw for you so make sure you have support, get counselling if you feel ready for that and allow yourself time.

My situation was different to yours as I was coerced and made the mistake of burying how I felt. The pain never went away and it took reunion for me to work through my emotions and start forgiving the people (such as my parents) who played a part in my son being adopted. Adoption will always play a part in my life but I can deal with it now without it ruling my life.

Wellspring

I second what "life is like the ocean" said.

Interesting how most of these answers sound like those in a crowd who'd yell "jump, jump" to the person standing out on the ledge of a building, then ooo and awe when the person hits the ground.

Possum

If your son could talk - he would ask you to take him back.
He has no voice.
He wants his mother. NOT a family of strangers - no matter how nice they appear.
They are not you.

Make sure you really can't parent.
Adoption pain NEVER goes away.

smarmy

It will never go away. It will change though, it will evolve into something that you will never be able to accurately describe. An ache, a hollow feeling, a gut wrenching, an emptiness. It will stop hurting when you start to toughen up. I hope for your, your baby, and the new parents sake that your opened adoption remains opened and you do get to see your child over the years if this isn't too hard for you to do.

And I too know lots of wonderful adoptive parents, that doesn't mean their ALL wonderful adoptive parents. And it certainly doesn't mean that ALL opened adoptions remain opened.

7rin

From everything I've been reading on the subject of late (I'm a searching adoptee), no, the pain won't ever heal - and possibly not even in 'reunion'.

Please read http://lifemothers.com/thewall.html and http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/03/breaking-silence-on-living-pro-lifers.html

life is like the ocean

I'm sorry Whitney. Time does not heal this. Nothing will heal this. Losing your child to adoption is a tremendous trauma. Doesn't matter how well thought out it was on your part. It still is going to hurt like hell.

You will be grieving this loss for the rest of your life. It'll be this hurt inside of you that you try to learn to live with, and keep stuffing down inside just to function everyday. Some days it will come bubbling out, others you will be able to disguise it. No matter what, it will always be there under the surface lurking. That is your child, part of you, your heart......beating somewhere else in the world....and that hurts. It will always hurt.

If you think you can't tolerate this pain, because it does and it will get worse as you get older.....get your baby back now while there is still time. Adoption is a lifetime of heartache for you and your child. You can save yourself and your child the pain, by ending the adoption right now.

Remember, you do not owe anyone your child. Adoptive parents adopt knowing that the risk is that a natural mom may change her mind. Sure, it might hurt them initially, but if they can understand their hurt at the loss of a potential child, they can certainly understand your tremendous hurt after carrying and birthing your baby.

Please know that most open adoptions end up closed. Adoptive parents often promise the sun and the moon, but then when things are final......they often shut the door in a natural mothers face. I had it happen to me. It happens to the majority of natural moms.

If the adoptive parents close the door on you, which they can at anytime, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Open adoption agreements are not honored in a court of law. I sincerely hope that the adoptive family will stand by their word with you. If you have doubts, now is the ONLY time left to get your baby back.

If you chose to continue the adoption, I suggest you get some counseling with a therapist that is savvy in adoption/grief issues. I also suggest you join some in person or online support groups for natural moms. People just don't understand the loss until they have lived it. With the support groups, you will not feel alone, and you will have the expertise of other natural moms.

There is also a book by Joe Soll written for natural mothers......Adoption Healing.

The best therapy for me was keeping journals. I have journals that I started keeping from the first day of my pregnancy, and still am keeping them after several years of reunion. Never thought I would get here! I not only released my feelings in a healthy way, I was inadvertantly documenting things that are priceless now. My daughter has read some of the journals and was able to step inside of me and understand the whys much better.

Right now, be good to yourself. You have just been through a very traumatic event. Watching your newborn leave the hospital with other parents is completely heartbreaking. Allow yourself to grieve. Don't beat yourself up about anything, just be kind to you. If you would like to talk further, or need a shoulder, please write.

My heart breaks for you. I know the pain you are feeling right now, and I would not wish it on anyone.

Fuaite le fuil, gaolta go deo

No. And your son's pain will never go away either. I spent my entire day watching home videos of me when I was pregnant and the first year of my son's life. I got choked up looking at him, he's 15 months old now. I couldn't imagine giving him to strangers, no matter how nice they are. I feel bad for your baby, he's probably been crying for you. Too bad you haven't changed your mind. Sorry that you'll be misrable for the rest of your life.

Believe Me!!

i dont know your situation of why you gave up your child probably not you will probably always have some pain

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no it doesnt have you considered getting him back before its too late?

passionlove09

Ok this is my 1st day on this YAHOO ANSWER thing and I dont think I stumbled across your ? coincidently! I am 22 yrs old and got pregnant when I was 17. I have an open adoption with my child as well and it is the most unique experiance I have ever been apart of. Back then I was way to young and naive to raise a child by myself and I knew it would be best for her to be with 2 parents who were ready physically and mentally to take on the needs of a child! I want to tell tell you that YESSSSS the pain does go away... it is normal what you are going thru right now! You miss him terribly, separation anxiety, post partum...etc...there are a lot of things you could be experiancing right now. Not to mention you gave birth less than a week ago so your hormones are flying eveywhere which makes you that much more emotional! I know from experiance that the pain does indeed go away! It may not go away as soon as you would like, but it goes away! It also may come back around his birthday or holidays as well. Open adoption is an incredable experiance and once the awkwardness goes away and you begin to see you child mature, you will be overflowing with joy and happiness! Whover said that you need to change your mind and go get him is wrong and should be ashamed of telling a mourning mother that! I cant stand when ppl say things without any regards to the whole of the situation! PPL dont just randomly give thier children up for adoption. You obviously have reasons for doing what you did so therefor changing your mind could have a bad affect on both you and your child in the future! My daughter is 4yrs old now and I keep a picture of her on my nightstand along with a stuffed lion on my bed. Whenever I miss her or think of her, I hug my lion as if it were her! I don't have to do that anymore however I still sleep with it! lol.. my husband gets jealous sometimes i think! heeheee... yess I am happily married now and have another child with my husband and I dont regret my decision @ all. I know it was what was best for her and me. I know if I would have kept her, then her father and I would be a mess full of drama like all these other girls having babies and hating the fathers and the children having to suffer in result of thier parents behavoir and I refused to allow my child to have to go through that and I know it was the only thing to keep her father away from me. We now have a loving open adoption and her father and I communicate daily without a problem! Your child will have more ppl to love him and you will see just how lucky he is! You gave him life and that is wayyy better then aborting! You gave him the best shot of survival in this world today! You are a brave woman and you should remind yourself every day just how special he is to have you as his true mother! It is very important that you have a relationship with his parents and love them as well as I Love my daughters parents too! Just keep your head up and keep fighting for what you believe is right! Dont let other ppl put you down and make you feel like what you did was wrong because it wasnt! ! ! Get up every day and go outside! PRAY for strength! Treat yourself! Wait a month before seeing him again... that is really importasnt! You must let your mind and body heal before seeing him again... you want to cry tears of joy the next tme you see him! go to therapy if need be! Hang arouhnd ppl who support you! Remember the pain comes and goes, but it will never be as strong as it is right now!
I feel for you and I will be praying for you and your baby boy and the new life you guys have prepared forg him... hope you feel better!
Dana

oh yeah and I think the lady before me said that the adoptive parent has a right to close the door @ any time?? Not so sure about that... I know when I went thru with my lawer, both parties signed a legal court approved order that visitaions is a must on Sundays and if by chance they move far away I have a right to regular contact... We did not want to make such an agreement but the court would not let us proceed without having done so.... we do not follow a strict visitation on sundays.... altho we do visit regularly, it is revolved around our schedules but for legalities.... you have the right to write up an agreement so that something like that CANNOT happen!!!!!

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