We need our daughter to think clearly about adoption?

Victors momma

If she really wants the baby giving it up for adoption will kill her.

Jennifer L

This sounds *so* 50 years ago that I'm tempted to call troll.

But on the off chance that it's genuine: You can't make your daughter place for adoption or have an abortion. That's illegal. You cannot kick her out of the house at 15. That's also illegal.

On the morality side of things, the idea of turning your back on a scared child who needs you now more than ever is repugnant. If you have one child in law school and another in med school then you have enough resources to help your daughter and her baby.

Many people are successful, in both parenting and careers, after being young parents. Get over yourself. Grow a conscience and do right by your daughter.

sarah

I didnt read all of the answers on here, but Im sure you've been bashed enough, so I wont do it again, although you do make yourself sound horrible. What it comes down to is this: this is NOT your decision. You cant FORCE her to do anything. If you continue behaving this way one of two things will happen.

1. She'll keep the baby and hate you forever for treating her so badly. You'll lose your daughter and your grandchild.
2. You'll manage to convince her to give the baby up. She'll hate you forever for causing her to lose her baby. You'll lose your daughter and your grandchild.

So, what you have to ask yourself is, is your pride worth the loss of your child and grandchild? If the answer to that question is no then back off. Try to support her in whatever choice she makes. Stop making her some dirty little secret you want to hide. Consider that shes in a lot of pain right now, scared, and very alone. Who do you have when you don't even have your mother, the one person you should ALWAYS be able to count on? If the answer to that question is yes, then you don't deserve either of them anyway.

grapesgum

You are embarrassed by your daughter? Your own child? I hope to God this email is a joke. My heart breaks for your daughter. Would you also put her out if she did not get into med or law school?

I think that you should give your daughter up for adoption. She deserves a better mother. A mother loves unconditionally.

eyes_kitty_green

she should keep it and raise it its her life let her live it.

Happy Mommie

You do not want her to "throw away her life" but it is OK for her to throw away her child?
HM!
You are throwing her away with you actions.
WAKE UP and love her.
SHE NEEDS YOU

TerraMere

I know you are worried about her ruining her life but there is more than one way to ruin a life. The bell can not be unrung. Her life has changed and that change can not be undone. She is pregnant with a child she very much wants. Yes, she will need to be responsible for the baby's care. You should make this clear to her. However, if you forced her to give up her child your family's life would never be the same. She would resent you forever. She would likely leave sooner rather than later. She could easily turn to drugs or alcohol or some other coping mechanism to deal with the fact that her child was taken from her. No guarantee she would finish school or go on to college. She may well share her story with people who would quite honestly only see you as selfish and heartless. You are a successful business woman who is used to being able control things and manage your image. This situation is different. You need to take a deep breath accept that things have changed and deal with it accordingly, with love and compassion, before your ruin all of your lives.

Good luck and all the best.

Kelly M

"That is too late for an abortion and we do not want her to keep it."

how 'bout, "it ain't up to you!!!!"

cmc

If she doesn't want to place the baby for adoption, you shouldn't force her. However this is an extremely difficult situation, and I would suggest family counseling.Pregnancy at 15 is something no parent expects, yet she's your daughter and part of parenting is helping her through the most difficult of times. I hope you'll find a solution you are both okay with.

MamaKate is an Aunt!

Dear T,

Please take a moment and BREATHE!!!!!

Please take these thoughts and ruminate on them for a bit before you decide how you want to handle this situation.

*This baby is YOUR GRANDCHILD. Your flesh and blood. Your FAMILY. Adoption will NEVER change that. Will YOU never wonder about this child if you are not a part of it's life? What about your daughter? How will this effect her? Adoption will not erase her memory or history. It CERTAINLY won't be "as if this never happened". It will effect her for the rest of her life - and not in a good way. (How is grieving for a child better than raising one?!)

*This child is innocent, despite how you feel about your daughter situation. Why should this child be subjected to being separated from his or her mother and family - including yourself? You all sound like an otherwise wonderful family - does this baby deserve to lose out on all of you? Do you all deserve to lose out on him or her?

* How will this effect your relationship with your daughter? Will she ever forgive you? Will she still have secondary infertility because of the trauma? Will she ever be able to finish school while she is depressed and grieving for her child?

* Did you know there are MANY successful teen parents? Did you know that there are thousands of programs to help support them? Did you know that there is a chance your daughter could commit suicide if your force her to surrender your grandchild? Did you know that most of civilized society feels that there is NO SHAME in biology?!

* Are you aware that adoption is NOT A GUARANTEE of a "better life" for ANYONE involved? That "open" adoption is NOT LEGALLY ENFORCEABLE? That becoming a surrendering parent will place a lifelong burden and stigma on your daughter? That forcing your daughter to choose adoption for her child is coercion and highly illegal? That it could prevent an adoption from occurring at all?

* Can you live knowing that you denied your first grandchild? That you will never hold him or her? That you will never hear him or her call you Gramma and say "I love you"? Are you willing to miss all the birthdays and Christmases? Skip the Easter Eggs and the joy on his or her face? Will you be ok with being the villain in their life story? The hated grandmother who sent him or her away when his or her mother loved and wanted them? Will your really tell them you were willing to sacrifice the future of your family to "save a little face"?

Please visit these websites before you make any rash decisions. Be REALLY educated (not just by the agencies who stand to make thousands off of your FIRST GRANDCHILD!!!) before you "educate" your daughter.

INFORMATION ABOUT ADOPTION (yes, I realize some of the titles seem inflammatory but please read them - they are chock full of helpful information):
http://www.origins-usa.org/
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/
http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/20346
http://www.motherhelp.info/myths.htm
http://www.exiledmothers.com/open_adoption/index.html

HELP FOR YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER:
http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/teen_pregnancy.html
http://www.mops.org/
http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/
http://www.4teenparents.com/1001.html
http://ihn-teenmotheringcenter.org/index.html

Good luck to your family. All of it.

Cambria

You are a terrible parent. You should be ashamed of -your- actions, not of your daughter's actions. Reading your questions absolutely disgusts me.

I hope to god your daughter stands up for herself and does what is right and cuts you the hell out of her life. Then you won't have to worry about all the embarrassment you might feel over watching your beautiful grandchild grow up.

And really, with such a wonderful mother like you, is it any surprise your daughter went looking for affection where ever she could find it and is excited about her opportunity to create a -loving- family?

Damitra

You are damaging your daughter for life. By not supporting her, You are giving her helplessness and hopelessness. You are driving her into the ground. You are placing her in a very bad place, a very dark place with no support. The effects of what you are doing will be for a lifetime.

The effect will be grave. Your daughter is currently loosing self esteem. She is told what is in her heart is wrong. She is a mother and will always be a mother, who's child was taken from her. You cannot take her motherhood away. She will worry every day about her child's safety and well being. It is proven that therapy is ineffective for this type of loss.

Please just go to this website below. You can also make contact via email or phone to a HUGGS support staff. This sight is made to support mothers who lost there children to adoption. The fate that you wish upon your daughter at the moment. Please do some research on the effect's.

Raj

she made a mistake. if you love her, try and forgive her. for yours and your husbands' sake. forgiving is about healing. not letting her off the hook. make sure she knows that. maybe you could find a way to compromise? tell her she better keep up her grades and maybe you'll consider letting her keep it? i don't know. family morals differ from household to household, so i can't tell you a standard way to treat this problem.

my point is, she's your youngest. out of all my friends who are the youngest ones in their family, they made more mistakes than their older siblings, by far. i'm not saying it's ok, but it's not surprising. like i said, love her for who she is, not what she did. and maybe you can figure out some way for her to make up for her mistake.

I agree with the responses above me, and I'm still in favor of you both working out something together, calmly and lovingly.

Erin L

I understand this is a huge shock. I understand you're angry, embarassed, scared for her future, etc. Take a deep breath. Take a couple of days to cool off and think clearly about this before discussing options with your daughter.

This is a huge life change, but it really doesn't have to be the end of the world. Teen moms, especially with the support of their families, CAN be successful moms and she can still have a successful life. I'm an adoptive mother. I understand adoption is sometimes necessary. But, I believe that a baby who has a family ABLE to raise it, as this child does, should not be separated from its biological family. As a mother, I can't imagine not wanting to keep my own grandchild in the family.

What does your daughter want to do? If she does not want to place her child for adoption and she has to because she is forced to by you, that has dire consequences that you REALLY need to think about. This will be hugely traumatic and she will not just "get over it" and "move on". She will have a deep grief and loss to live with for the rest of her life. She will blame you if it is because you forced it. You are changing your relationship with her forever.

If she wants to parent her child, honestly, since she is underage and is in this situation, it IS your responsibilty to help her. Of course she'll have to take responsibility for being a parent and her life will change dramatically. You don't have to totally raise her child for her. But the reality is, she will need some help. Please, while expecting her to step up to the plate herself, step up to the plate yourself and help her. Help her finish her education. Help her get connected to social services such as wic, childcare options for teen moms, etc. Help her get legal help to get the father positively identified (DNA test) and get child support from the father.

Truly, I know this seems horrible now, but in a year, if this child is in your life, you won't know how you lived without your grandchild. Right now, your 15 year old daughter needs you to be there for her. Not to get her off the hook, but to support her and help her.

gypsywinter

What a disgusting example of a mother you are! All I hear in your question is....ME< ME<ME. What YOU don't want to face, what YOU don't want to do, how your daughter's pregnancy affects YOU, YOUR embarassment. YOU would put your own pregnant 15 yr old daughter out of YOUR house? Is this not the home of your daughter as well? Not only is she young, being pregnant she is in the most vulnerable state in the life of any female. This is YOUR daughter and YOUR grandchild, for God's Sake! Have you no empathy, no love, no concern for your own daughter, other that how it all affects YOU?! This is not unconditional love for your daughter...this is most conditional and based only on YOUR needs and YOUR desires. YOUR embarassment? Get over yourself Business Lady....YOU ain't all that. Now do the right thing as the mother YOU are supposed to be. Your daughter's pregnancy and the impending birth of HER child, YOUR grandchild is not a Business Plan...it's real life involving REAL human beings...2 human beings....that of your own flesh and blood..YOUR daughter and YOUR grandchild. As someone here said that surrendering mothers need to 'Ball Up'...well Mz. Business Lady...you and your husband need to really 'Ball Up' and take care of Family Business...with unconditional love and support.

7rin

I think that perhaps YOU are the ones who need to think clearly about adoption and what it will do to ALL OF YOU. I suggest you take a look at some of the sites and read some of the books listed at http://7rin-on-adoption.dreamwidth.org/tag/recommended+reading,supporting+the+birth+bond before you try to force your own child to abandon her own child.

Then again, you probably won't 'cause it's obvious that for you, your own kids are just fashion accessories that need to be kept in line so that you can take them out and hide them away whenever it's suitable for you. You're not a mother, you're a selfish cow who doesn't give a toss about how your daughter feels.

Allanas

First, take a deep breath. Breathe. Again. One more time, deep breath.

Second...

THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!!!

~Schools still enroll young mothers. Financial aid will actually be easier for her to get, and she'll qualify for more money with a child. Chances are, she's not going to have a bit of trouble paying for any college she wants to go to.
~Daycare is still available. Right there at said college.
~There are programs for pregnant teens. Yes, being on government aid is embarrassing, but hopefully it will be temporary.

Please realize this is your grandchild you're talking about.
Please realize your daughter is terrified.

Please, please, please, don't do anything you'll regret!

Are you still breathing? Deep breaths!

I completely agree that she should move out. You're absolutely right. She made a grown up decision. She's going to be someone's mother. She went out and got a brand new life of her own, and now it's too late for her to go back to being a child. She needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. That's completely and utterly fair.

BUT...
Tossing her out into the cold, cruel world is not the right thing to do.

Start looking for programs. There are teen homes, halfway houses, and all sorts of things to help girls in this situation.

Start court proceedings against the baby's father. He'll pay child support, or else! Make his life a misery.

Good luck to you.
Try to see past your anger to your grand baby. Everyone says grand kids are more fun anyway. LOL!!! And always remember...

BREATHE!

H******

Did we all fall asleep and wake up back in the 1950s

cer448

interesting - that whole rant was about You You You, not at all about your daughter. I promise you the emotional damage You are doing to her is far far far worse than the fact she is with child. Threatening to "abandon" her by putting her out, keeping her in her room, hiding her from company....what does it matter what your profession is - you should be less worried about status and more plugged into the needs of your child - apparently all your degrees & your husbands too are Not what matter to your child, or the rest of the world either and not for nothing but this really has the ring of the stereotypical parents with their head in the clouds obsessing over their careers and social rank as opposed to giving attention to your child - where were you when she was running amok? At a business meeting perhaps? Did you think giving her money to go to the mall was the same as spending quality time with her? You & your husband - despite your "education" are very foolish and ignorant if you think you are blameless in this situation. And adoption does not "solve" it. 18+ years from now or sooner depending, there will be a child looking for it's mother - wanting to know about it's family - If were you I'd feel more embarrassed 10 years from Now - when you are sitting around a Christmas tree with what you consider to be your "legitimate" grandchildren knowing deep down in your heart 1 of them is missing. I pray that every time you plant a kiss on their head you feel a stab in your heart because you were too stubborn angry and self absorbed to give your love & support to your own grandchild.
I bet if your daughter were on the honor roll you'd be the first in line to take credit as her parent because "you raised her that way" well WAKE UP - she's pregnant....You raised her that way.

Pip

If your parents wanted you to have an abortion or surrender any of children would you have done it?

If the answer is no then who do you think you are to expect your daughter to surrender.

Did you know the first thing about being a parent when you had your first child?

No you didn't because YOU personally HADN'T been a parent before.

No it wont ruin her life as she can still carry on with her education.

How dare you call yourself a parent when you are trying to scare her into surrendering. A good parent supports their child no matter what their mistakes are.

Why do you need to be parents again? In fact what makes you think you will be parenting again?

Your daughter will be the parent, you will be the grandparent.

I can understand the anger but disgusted that you believe she is throwing her life away. Quite honestly you should be ashamed of yourself for putting yourself before your daughter's need.

My parents were exactly the same as you. The big difference was I was 19, working and capable of raising my son without practical help although it would have been nice. Instead my parents behaved exactly the same as you but worse they blatantly lied to me about everything I was entitled to. The adoption agency also lied to me which included telling me it was too late to stop the adoption when he was 6 weeks old even though I had a further few months to stop it. I found out years too late.

The point is I went through the next 23 years of hating my parents, resenting them and was extremely angry with them. When I found my son more salt was rubbed into the wound because he had found them almost 5 years previously. They thought it was quite acceptable to continue with the lies which included telling him they didn't know where I was nor did they tell me they had contact with him. I found it in myself to forgive them because I didn't want to be bitter and angry for the rest of my life. They are the ones losing out because they lost a daughter and a grandson.

What you are doing is completely wrong and in immoral. Instead of being selfish be a proper mother and support what your daughter wants to do. But of course you're going to disregard my answer because you believe you're doing the right thing.

DevonChaos

She is 15 and a minor. You cannot kick her out. You shouldn't try to force her to put the child up for adoption, either. While she is young, there is nothing you can do to force her hand, and my god, you shouldn't try. She is still your daughter, and even though you are angry, you need to step up and be a parent. You aren't in it just for the good. You are in it for the bad as well, and while this is going to be hard, you need to be a parent.
You are going to be this child's grandmother. This child deserves a chance to be with his/her family. You are part of this family. Her future involves this child whether or not she raises him/her. Giving a child up for adoption can be psychologically damaging for her (not to mention the baby) and she WILL resent you if you try to force her hand.
What you should do is let her decide what she wants to do, and try to support her the best way you can. Not everyone throws away their future because they have a child young. You really need to realize that she needs your love and attention now more than ever.
My mother suggested I give my first (and second) child up for adoption, and it has sat so heavy on my mind ever since. It KILLS me inside to remember her telling me this.

ETA: Yes, you "can" put her out, however, it is against the law. You would need to get a legal emancipation, or otherwise terminate your parental rights.

RandallFlagg

What a wonderful parent you must be. That's you daughter for God's sake and she is carrying your grandchild. You may be a successful businesswoman, but your a lousy typist or speller, and your no better at motherhood. Whatever she decides, you should help her, as she will have to spend the rest of her life living with it. Reading your story, you want others to agree with you so you can feel good about your logic, but I for one just think your a selfish individual and care more about how this child will affect you and not how you can affect it. Lastly, your right that she's too young to raise a child on her own, that's why she needs family. If she's your youngest, she has older siblings or other family members that can help the first few years. It takes a village to raise a child. Didn't anyone ever help you when you needed it, or are you just special?

Laurel J

Since your mind is made up, do what parents used to do: send her to a maternity home where she'll live in shame and secrecy with others like her until she's due, at which time her punishment can be compounded by making her give birth blindfolded and with her hands strapped to the table so she won't dare look at or reach for that horrible, horrible, life-ruining baby.

It made my mother cough me right up for adoption. It's been 44 years and she never got over that. But hey, it was very convenient for her parents.

Or toss her out into the street. She's already become an object of shame to you. You invested 15 years in her, and there's no point in throwing bad love after good, is there?

Do you store anything in the hole where your heart used to be?

Aislin

Wow. Way to show unconditional love. Your daughter should be embarrassed by you and your behavior. Do you seriously think that forcing her to lose her child is going to lead to a great life? In all likelihood you will be ruining her life by forcing her to be separated from her child. Its not a puppy she wants to keep. If someone had taken your baby at birth how would you have felt? Natural mothers suffer with serious issues for the rest of their lives. Do some research. In all honesty you make me sick

AnnaBelle

Nothing. You mind your own damn business.

You have NO RIGHT to tell her whether or not she can keep her OWN child. Could someone have taken her from you? HONESTLY??

So, you're worried about your image, are you? How about your integrity? Ethics? Morals? Compassion? I guess that image of yours is more important.

If you don't want to parent her child, fine. That is your choice. But whether or not SHE parents is not.

Either support her, and be a part of your grandchild's life, or be alienated from both of them and regret it dearly in the not so distant future.

Disgusting.

Spotty-Dotty

You selfish beast.

Let her keep her baby, support her and guide her along the parenting thing which obviously, you were pretty crap at.
Do you know how much she'll hate you if you force her into adoption?

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