What Do You Think About People Who Return Their Adopted Child?

Erica

Yes, its called a "disrupted adoption." My father recently adopted two children that went through this. You said, "who return their adopted child." That statement it harsh, but bitterly accurate. The child is returned, like a piece of clothing that doesn't fit well enough. Now sometimes an adoption is disrupted for a reason and for those families I am sorry. But for those who simply get over the novelty of their adoption and return their child, I have lost all respect for them.

LaraSue

Dang, they can't win for losing,can they?They are horrible for adopting, and horrible for giving the child back!

aloha.girl59

It's reprehensible. It's better than killing the child, but since when are "returning" a child and killing a child opposites?

I prefer not to judge someone's situation without knowing all the facts first.

ETA: one women's story about disruption that's worth reading
http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=511

janna w

I think it is a hurtful selfish thing to do. First of all to become an adoptive parent you have to take training courses in which they "warn" you about problems that children have in the foster care system. It is painful and confusing enough to know that for whatever reason your biological could not or would not care for you. It must be heart wrenching to also deal with the fact that the family you were promised returned you because you weren't good enough. These kids have enough to deal with and being given away twice sends the message that there is something wrong with them. Children who go through this usually develop bonding and attachment disorder and struggle to have healthy relationships for the rest of their lives because the parents who were suppose to love and protect them got frustrated and lazy!

sarahhhhhhh

I find that quite apauling. Since when have kids been adopted on a "trial run"?

They are not pets or xmas prezzies you didnt want.

I think that adoptive parents should be 100 percent sure before they adopt. I dont find anything moral in returning a child.

Shocking

Maureen S

Well, there are two points to this question. If these people returned a child, after they adopted him/her they should never be considered as adoptive parents again.

As for the child, it is much better for that poor child to be away from people like that, because they would never have had a happy life, living with those who have such a terrible attitude and outlook on life.

I would never return a puppy after I had adopted it, even if it was the nastiest little thing and was biting etc.

Why are not people like this thoroughly investigated BEFORE they are handed a child.

However, I have also seen situations where the adoption agency did not tell the full background of a child, re the child's behavior,. it's medical history or the emotional state.
If the adoptive parents were lied to, which has happened, and whatever that lie was, related to the child's behavior or health or it's happiness as an adopted child, that is the only reason I could see why there would any excuse whatsoever.

If there was no lie in the adoption, as I said before, these people should never be allowed to adopt again. What kind of parents would they make with that un-compassionate mind take.

Wounded Duck

Wisdom rather than abuse!

LaurieDB

My husband has a friend who adopted 4 children. All of them were in foster care and a little older when adopted. This man and his wife have been though a lot of difficulty with the kids. One of the boys molested one of the girls. One of their daughters moved in with her much older boyfriend. There have been all sorts of difficult, violent and disruptive behaviours. Because of this, they have paid loads of money for therapy, including residential treatment for their son who molested their daughter. This son has now returned home, continues outpatient treatment, and there has been no repeat of such behaviour.

The mom had to quit her job in order to stay at home so she would have more time to work with their kids. Because her job paid well, it did turn out to be a financial loss for them.

Through all of this, they have never considered returning their children. They do not think of them as their "adopted children." They think of them as their children, period. They wouldn't give up their bio kids because of these problems. They would get them whatever help they needed. So, why would it be okay to treat their adopted children with any less commitment?

These parents avail themselves of all of the services they can. They are not eligible for any kind of financial assistance to pay for these services, outside of what medical insurance covers. It's been a very rough road, but they love their kids and sacrifice for them like parents normally do.

lahdh4

If you are talking about this most recent case then I think they are awful, lowlifes who do not deserve to have children.
I am sorry, but when you walk into a situation, it is best to know all of the situation.
If you thought that the child had problems and issues before this -- then you better watch out now. Talk about giving a child a complex that they will then have to live down for the rest of their life.

Ivana M.

if they cant take or handle a baby its better to give them back its the best thing to do!~ at least the childs alive and not hurt.

love my life

I think it is sad. But as with all things if you don't know the reasons ( which some have very valid ones) you really can't judge them. I guess in some ways it is no different than a bio parent realizing that they are not ready or prepared to be parents. As with anything you can't judge unless you are in their shoes.

Adoptionissadnsick

2 words:

SICK and SAD

Robin

Doesn't the mere thought of returning your child seem absurd? Biological parents very RARELY consider terminating or abdicating their parental role. Yet, a higher percentage of adoptive parents are willing to 'reconsider' their 'commitment' and "return" their (adopted) child.

Just as adoptees sometimes end up in an abusive home, so do adoptive parents have a chance of getting a 'special needs' child, even (or especially) when they adopt an infant. No one can predict what problems a child may develop.

Can it be that the some of the very issues adoptees are pointing to and some AP's or adoption pro's want to deny is that adoption brings with it some inherent challenges? Can this be the result, at least partially, of unethical adoption practices? When adoptive parents aren't fully informed about, and therefore cannot be fully prepared for the challenges of parenting adopted children.

I am reminded of a recent program called "Siberian Adoption Story". The parents flew 35,000 miles to get an "American looking" infant (a.mom's words). When the infant, about 15 months old, was first handed to her 'new mommy', she cried & when returned to the orphanage care provider, stopped crying. Her 'new parents' displayed an absolute lack of awareness about or concern for this child's distress. They seemed completely unaware of the high probability of the child having an attachment disorder.

A very real possibility for children from orphanages. And a disorder that can range from mild to very severe. Children are amazingly resilient. Many of the symptoms of attachment disorder mask a child's intense inability to trust or bond or form relationships. Survival provides strong motivation. Some kids who suffer from RAD can seem very compliant, while others act out.

The a.parent's voiced more concern about the fact that they'd sold their home & spent $35K. A.mom's exact words, "We don't want to spend $35K on a baby that turns against us. And 15 years from now says (thumbing nose) 'you're not my real mom. That's my mom. I'm want to go find her'."

I pray for that little girl's well being!

jodee1kenobi

I think somethingwent seriously wrong when trying to match the child with the family. ALso perhaps they should really think about having another child, because if they were their birth children you cant send them back can you. Children arent perfect.

Gaia Raain

I have a friend who went through this. Her oldest son was having major issues for many years. This family is very poor (kind of by choice...my friend would rather be a SAHM and be there for her kids, than to focus on money and leave her kids to a babysitter), and didn't have the resources that more "moneyed" families have. By the time they were able to get insurance for their son and get some services, they were all beyond the ability to "fix" their family. Honestly, I can't have an opinion on this until I've been through it. I can see how it would be absolutely horrible for that child...but at the same time, he needed something his parents couldn't give him. This child lived for 13 years with an untreated attachment disorder, in a large family where he didn't get the one-on-one attention he needed to recover from his AD. He showed swift improvement in treatment, and in a foster home where he was the only child. There are pro's and con's on all sides (my friend, her husband, their other children), and I am no judge of what the best outcome could have been. I hope I am never faced with that tough decision. And if I am...I hope I have the courage to make the right choice, no matter what people say.

Edit: Just to be very, very clear, the "right" thing could be any number of choices. I don't want to have my words misinterpreted to mean that I hope I have the courage to give my child "back"...what I mean is that if the "right" thing is to stick it out, get my child counseling, get myself counseling, involve a treatment facility, or, again, any number of other choices...no matter what the right choice is, I hope I have the courage to do exactly what needs to be done.

Mary G

You know what bothers me about this? I didn't get to send my son who is Autistic back! (Not that I ever would, he is the perfect child for me! Natural parents don't get to take the babies they give birth to back to where they "came from", there are no "trial runs" and my gods what about the aparents who give a child back after years of being the childs parents? (yeah there are cases of that, there was one in the news not very long ago and now that child is in Limbo because they could not be returned to their country of origin and the child was not a citizen of the country she was adopted in!) This makes me just ill and angry!

Total morons! With nothing 2 do.

I think it is a pretty low thing to do. Hopefully they don't have any real children of there own. They can't give them back.

Wishmaster

they never really loved or wanted kids in the first place or they would have been happy enough to have the child that they adopted.

Laurel J

It breaks my heart. I feel it's even worse than when parents kick their natural kids out into the street, because it represents a second or third upheaval for the adoptee. (I do know some people whose natural parents disowned them, at a young age, for being gay, and I think this is horrifically wrong.)

Odd that it is considered acceptable for adoptive parents to return a child as if he or she were a defective product, but let a first parent want the child back, even if it's because the adoption was illegal, and all Hades breaks loose.

UVRay

I think that's an awful thing to do. Imagine how the child must feel. It's wrong to play with a kids emotions in such a way, whether or not the reason. If you made a commitment then you should stick to it...especially when a yound kids life is at hand.

Gershom

giving back the children hurts them even more, they shouldn't have adopted in the first place and thats why there needs to be more education on the truths to adopting children ahead of time, and better screening.

whocares

the two boys i have is not from the adoption agency. it was something that happen too fast to even remember how it started. my husband's sister had past away and at first the kids had went to thier grandmother to live but their dead beat father had learned that they would recieve money to he took interest. so the judge appointed him the kids due to him being the living parent left. ok but here's the thing he was abusing them so they called my husband to pick them up so he did. they stayed with us for a little while and next thing you know two years later the courts appointed us as thier permenant guardian. not even realizing the characters these kids have. the youngest lies all the time, the oldest just want to roam the streets. the act as if we have no say so in rasing them at all. the steal from my kids and us. ok i don't want to act as if am being negative but it's hard to deal with kids who are used to parents who just didnt care. what or how do i deal with this situation. sometimes i feel so overwhelmed.

whocares

but okay it does sound harsh but worse would be them abusing these kids because they are forced to keep them. parenting is not easy at all. it takes all of you all day everyday but even so you have idiots having babies who just don't have a clue. i rather for them to return them than to abuse them or worse. who cares if it seems harsh to you, blame the dumb peoples who had them and just didnt want them at all. i think people should have to go through a test trail before allowing them to have kids. i hate seeing young girls with kids that just kills me. they don't have a clue at all. this world is just getting worse by the minute. why because everyone has that who cares attitude. i can do whatever pleases who cares how it might effect the children.

who cares

see me personally, it would be hard to adopt for many reasons. dna is not mine. so i really don'ti know what i would be dealing with. they have emotional issues. i don't have empathy for peoples. it just comes naturally and my kids know and understand that. i feel you like this commit the crime do the time. i am not going to figure out why you didnt and none of that. i don't have time to baby grown ass kids who has been taught better than that. i do believe in sparing the rod spoiling the child. and actually i have lead up some but when my kids were little they just understood somethings you just don't do. now kids today they want to find blame so that they can get away with doing wrong. they want you to let them run free. i teach my kids responsibilities,respect, and to think things through. but my two nephews make fun of the way my kids are. they call them lame because they are not street runners. they call them lame because they enjoy school. they call them lame because they know not to talk back to grown peoples. so how do i deal with that.

who cares

tish see it's different when their your kids acting out. believe me i know i have had to pray about it so many times. i guess you tend to tolerate more from your own than what what you would from a child that is'nt. they are of my dna.god it don't make it right but hey she is paying the price as we speak. i took them in because i felt bad for them i really didnt put it in thought. i just don't want to go through the whole thiing again. i bascially raised my kids on my own and it took alot of me. watching everything i do so that it wont effect them in a bad way. putting them first all the time do you do that? really ? i know for a fact no one could ever call me a bad parent they can go to hell. spending my last on my kids before i even buy me something. working two jobs and still helping them with homework. i am tired. i want a break. none of you here can say you have given yourself to your kids. but hey your the main ones who wants to pass judgement right.

whocares

gail a raain well said, i mean that's just something who have to be there to really understand. for instance my nephew who is only 16 pregnated a girl who is also 16.who was wrong?some would say she was others very few would say his fault. i think the blame goes to the both of them. we are responsible for our own bodies. now his parents wants her to have an abortion. why? who should it be up to? some would say her mom, some would say his dad. but me i would have to go with her mom because she is a minor. under her mom's care. but everyone has an opinion on things. but had it happen to thier child who is to say they would still response the same way.

Grace

A am a returned child who is now an adult. All those who do not for whatever reason want the adopted children should return them immediately. Parents who are shamed into keeping the kids will resent them and treat them bad. Parents who feel guilty will treat them unjustly. Children are better off in orphanages ( I lived in one for 6 years after the death of my mother). There is transparency of care in an institution. Drunkards, Misstesses, Lunatics and Not yet convicted criminals should not be raising anyone's kids. I have been in 7 different homes. The characters and stories are different, but, the tune is the same.

some of you r missing the point here. sometimes a child a cannot mend in a 'normal' family environment even w/ the care & support given. whence that child is deemed a threat to that family, then measures should be taken to protect the family. residential care for a more structured environment which they crave & are used to. where the family visits & still attends therapy sessions. it's still your child, but sometimes for your other children's safety & yourself this is best. now this is where $$ plays a part. you try to get dcf support to offset this. sounds reasonable because hey, they'll be supporting the child whence he steals in the real world. i am living this now & dear child wants to stay at the center, but w/ 2 other children this is hard, financially. it's basically private school & more. the other option is dissolution & we've thought of it. & it would ruin him, or should we ruin 5 lives instead. we were not prepared for him. all the maladies came after the adoption...he disguised it well, but after 3 yrs it has come to a head w/ doc, wards & the stress that is sending all of us down. i look @ the other 2 & say i have to save them too, but @ the cost of sending the one away. not far, but w/o alternatives. yes, the other 2 act out, but never have they threatened with a gun, physical violence, pens & pencils to the family. that is where a line must be drawn for safety's sake. we were told by dcf that until someone is truly hurt, then they will not respond...isn't that too late. dissolution sounds harsh, but what if the child w/o remorse says yes & can forget you just as quickly...heartbreaking, but true. one of the other sons' is adopted, but he's the lovable nightmare (4others!) that gets beat by this one. why? because this child thinks that he should beat his brother to set him right!? So unless, you live the nightmare...don't judge too quickly. there really isn't a lot of support out there, especially, when everyone else see the charming side & you get the jeckyll. it breaks our hearts..we have failed him..but i cannot bear to see my other children suffer..it was fine when the abuse was directed @ me, but now his anger has branched out

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