What does "not ready to parent" mean?

Happy mommy

Not ready to parent means exacally how it sounds..a person is not ready to take on the responsibility of being a parent. It may be emotionally or financially unready but it is the fact that the person knows they are not ready to give a child everything that it needs. For most part it is the mother who decides she is unready or unable to care for her child but in some cases yes it would be agencies and social workers that may feel the childs needs are not being met by a parent and that child would be removed from a home. These cases usually occur where their is abuse,drugs, or the childs safety is in question. And yes in most cases we should be able to decide if they are fit to raise children because children need protected and lets be honest some people truly are not meant to be parents and if everyone just became parents because they got pregnant then we would have even more problems with society and by not protecting those children or giving them a chance for a better home it would be all those children who suffer. Yes as religion states we are created in gods design and with that being said god teaches helping your fellow man and compassion and love, god teaches unselfishness and to be able to give your child a better home when you know you cannot give that child what it needs is in itself the greatest gift of love.

Lisa A

Just read the news to find out what that means.

The number of irresponsible parents out there, and the way they treat their children, is just astounding.

Skadoctor1

I would say... if you cant support the child, if you are irresponsible, if making the child will cause major inconveniences to your life (such as not finishing college) then people 'arent prepared to raise children".

Im adopted. My birthmom has beaten with a baseball bat to the severity that she developed schitzophrenia. The state took me away at birth because she was not 'fit' to be a parent mentally.

I would much rather see children be adopted than irresponsible or unprepared parents keeping a child. It does more harm to the child just to keep it just because 'its yours'. You cant look at a child as an object, its a human who has feelings etc.

There are some people who arent able to have children so, these 'not ready to be parents' provide those ready to be parents but who are otherwise infertile the child they so badly want and are prepared to raise, independantly and not off state funding. I think its a win-win. Frees up medicaid, frees up the one who's not ready to be a parent and gives a blessing to a couple who otherwise wouldnt have had a child in their life as their own.

Jill

You answered your own question. Not ready to parent can mean a whole host of things. And it's defined by the birth mother and nobody else. If SHE doesn't feel ready to parent, it's her decision to place that baby for adoption. I'm sorry, but I don't buy the whole "pressured into it" excuse. Women have choices, and if they regret their choices later, that's something they have to live with, but these women can't blame other people for pressure. . . the decision is theirs.

It's not so black and white as you might believe. Just because someone can make a baby doesn't mean they should. And it certainly doesn't mean they should keep it and parent it. Some people are blatantly unfit, unprepared, and would damage a child for life - or at least damage it far worse than an adoption would damage it.

tarantinobuff

It typically means the mother was too young. Unless drugs or other abnormalities are involved, not too many people get involved with whether or not a mother should keep her child. Take a look around at all the freak jobs who have kids. Do you really think that many people are suggesting mothers give up their babies? Some should. Just becasue your body produced this being, doesn't mean God meant for you to keep it. There are plenty of great people out there who cannot have children who could take care of that child far better than a mother who is not ready to parent.

hayesbrat

usually it means shes not ready for the responsibility of a child. either the mom can decide if shes ready or if shes having problems with drugs and is obviously unfit then yes cps and the courts can step in and say shes not ready. but if theres nothing like that involved and its just shes not ready she can make her own choice. my family sais we arent ready for a baby and im not ready to take on the responsibility but i fully plan on keeping our daughter. i think unless theres obvious situations where the parent is unfit its her choice wheather shes ready or not.

Caretaker

It's funny how people with that mentality (i.e. complete selfishness) think that--somewhere down the line--their lives will make a drastic change, causing them to suddenly care for someone besides themselves! Normally, when/if that time does come, that person only 'cares' in order to fulfill his or her own selfish emotional needs, anyway!

If you can't sacrifice and love your own children (no matter when they show up life) you can't love ANYTHING!

Mychildren'smom

Well the biological mom is the one who chooses the difinition of not ready in her situation. There are many reasons that might make you not ready. There are also some things that some people would still be able to parent through that would be to tough on others. So the biological mother herself chooses whether she feels she is ready or not. It isn't like someone can come up to her and say your not ready and force adoption on her. I mean they may try but, in the end the decision is the moms and the moms alone.

Wundt

Why ask this question? You clearly understand what is meant by the phrase, "not ready to parent", anyone who understands anything about raising a child knows what it means. My guess is that this is nothing but an opportunity to state your opinion that APs are all bad people.

You assume this is a label given by the APs. However, the only time I have ever heard it used was by a biological mother to describe her own situation, e.g. "I am not ready to parent".

And, I strong disagree with the concept that "no one is ready to parent". That is total and complete bull! My wife and I, when we had are children, had decided it was time. And no, we were not prepared for everything that happened, but we were certainly 'ready'.

Frankly, each individual must decide if they are 'ready' based on their emotional being and their resources. And while I am sure there are some parents of the pregnant mothers and social workers who pressure them to adopt away the baby, the simple truth is that some people are not ready, and they know it.

katelyn.

In the situation you used, it sounds like the mother decided she was not ready to be a parent yet. She cound have been fairly young, not mature enough, no money, no job, she could have been homeless at the time, or just simply felt her child deserved a better home than she could give.

We have every right to decide when WE are ready to raise a child. You make it sound like we are killing the child or not letting it live. Its really hard, for most at least, to put your own child up for adoption. To have someone else raise it because you know you are not adequate for the job.

The adoptive parents are not stealing the children because they want their own. They are not forcing someone to do something because of their desires. Someone may have chosen them specifically to adopt their child or they went to an adoption agency.

cricketlady

Just because people's bodies have produced children By no means makes them arr ready to parent. Read the papers ---any newspaper.and you surely will get an idea of what "not ready to parent" means. Many parents sign away their rights after their child goes in to care when they realize how "easy" life is for them again. There are many reasons why they aren't ready---they need a support system and they have none, they are doing drugs[drug babies are on the increase] they have legal and criminal matters to tend too and babies need a home-NOW. But Too many times it takes the abuse of a child for that child to get the care you should have been getting. Sometimes the abuse covers the child's entire childhood.

Nancy

Not ready to parent=Not willing/able to put your child's needs ahead of your own.
ex. Casey Anthony

Opedial

I think it comes to my favourite word, capacity. Do the parents, whether young, old, poor, problems whatever...do they have the capacity to feed and shelter their children? Do they have the capacity to utilize, with other's help such as social workers etc. the services available to meet the children's needs. If so, then they are ready to parent.

Those who cannot, whether it is functionally (aka FASD etc.) or emotinally (full in their addiction etc.) realize that they need some extra support parenting.

I think if the basics are being met, then someone is ready to parent. When I say "not ready to parent" I know who I have in my mind, and I can say with certainty that they are not ready to parent. These are the people who have been identified as people who need help because there is a fear they will not meet the needs, or abuse in some way. These people can still be ready to parent if they have the capacity to move towards having that ability.

BUt someone just being young? Someone whose career goals may be altered? I don't think of those as not ready to parent, no I think of those as thinking they are not ready. They should parent, I really believe that. But given I do see so much abuse of children as a former foster mom, I wish we could intervene earlier, give chances adn assistance (proper assistance, not just a few food stamps and see ya later, I mean real assistance, whatever that happens to be to move the person towards being ready) to them, but if they, being judged by a social worker and all the reat, if they lack capacity to move towards any kind of parenting skills that meet the children's fundamental needs, then adoption is a good answer, as they are not ready to parent.

The difference is:

Thinking not ready to parent: Fear

Not ready to parent: Lacking capacity to move towards meeting children's needs.

JustSomeone21

That's insane. I'm 17, 37 weeks pregnant, and my child is going to an absolutely fantastic couple with a 3 year old boy. They are thrilled to be able to be parents for a second time, and it's making a huge difference on their lives.

I - no one else but me - decided that I wasn't ready to parent. I'm not emotionally, physically, or financially able to give this child everything that he deserves, so why should I give him such a disadvantaged life because I'm selfish enough to think I can handle it? I can barely take care of myself, half the time. Another life isn't an option.

But what you're telling me is, you'd rather that I keep my baby, sacrifice my future, and struggle for 18 years by myself to raise this child then give him a home with two stable, loving parents, an older brother, and a strong financial background?

Who says that this ISN'T what your God wants?! Not for me to raise this child, but for this family who isn't able to have any more children due to serious fertility issues to raise him? Our meeting was very much fate, as it's all private adoption and luck. I am very much at peace with my choice as a birth mother, and know that I am doing everything possible to give this child a fantastic life.

Wellspring

In the world of adoption the game is about the "readiness", who's ready and who's not. They must prepare to adopt to be ready, therefore everyone else is evaluated under the readiness standard.
It's like the industry's "the plan" game. It takes a planned process to adopt, therefore everyone else is judged under the "plan" standard. A mother didn't "plan" her pregnancy, or she has an "unplanned" pregnancy, so it becomes the indication that she couldn't possible want her baby as much as they do. And least we forget how mothers are supposed to be "empowered" with making an adoption "plan".
What it boils down to is eugenics rhetoric under the name of adoption. If civilization had to survive under such readiness and planning standards civilization would have ended thousands of years ago.

Big Daddy R

I think not ready to parent means different things for different people. In the cases I have seen the natural mother did not want to be pregnant despite using protection but did not believe in abortion so they decided to give the child up for adoption.
In each case the reason to not parent differed.
One was in college working two jobs and going full time with no support from her family and felt they would not support her causing her to drop out and get one full time job.
One she had an interracial child and children already and did not want to raise an interracial baby plus did not feel she could support another child
The list goes on and on for not ready to parent
I don't agree that adoption should only be employed in cases of abuse addiction or profound neglect. many people hold religious beliefs making abortion wrong so they have the child giving it up. If they did not hold that belief that child would not be born. I think those women need an outlet. You should force people to raise a child they don't fee ready for. Yes thousands if not millions of women have unplanned pregnancies feel scared and not ready but they make a choice to keep the child and parent. It was their choice not forced on them by anyone. Who are we to tell someone else in the same situation look at person X they did it so can you. If that is not what you want then that is not what you want

Andraya - Snark's Sister

Not ready to parent = not willing to parent.

ANY parent can ready themself for the job of parenting at ANY age. Parenting is learned and inherent. Mother nature provides us with instinct but the rest is up to us to learn.

Jack Putter

What gets me curious is that you can have two mothers in the EXACT same situation (any of the possible scenarios you mentioned) - one parents, and one loses her child to adoption. Why was one mother "not ready to parent" when the other was? How can you say that out of two people with the exact same situation, one is somehow different from the other? This is where I think societal coercion steps in. They're BOTH ready to parent, but others have convinced one of them that she's just not good enough for her own child.

ETA: My sister (a mother of four children, starting at the age of 16, all raised by her and her husband, their father) once said, "if you wait to have children until you're 'ready', you'll never have them".

aloha.girl59

I guess it means different things for different people.

I became pregnant at 21 by a guy I had only known for a week. We were stupid and careless and didn't use a condom. I barely knew him (though we were together for five years afterward), was a college student, and had no money. I wasn't ready to parent, so I had an abortion.

monkeykitty83

Erm... when adoptive parents say it, perhaps they're being deliberately vague so as to preserve the mother's confidentiality about her own personal issues, and her right to decide who is told the negative details of her situation?

Isn't maternal confidentiality something that has been spoken of as highly desirable in several questions recently, and adoptive parents referred to as nosy or "satisfying their curiosity" if they ask or talk about the mother's personal details?

The phrase "can't win for losing" comes to mind...

When biological parents who have relinquished or plan to relinquish say it about THEMSELVES, I imagine it varies wildly based on how they define "ready," and I doubt there's any one answer-- but I would think financial, emotional, and social issues are generally involved, to varying degrees depending on the individual.

gypsywinter

If one googles "not ready to parent"...a plethora of adoption agency sites come up.

DevonChaos

I don't know. It sounds like it could be a cop out on either side, or a clever way of addressing an issue that they don't want to name outright. I think in that case, the AP was just trying to come up with "something" to say. Perhaps its a nicer way of saying she couldn't stay sober long enough to care for the child. Maybe she just wanted to go back to school. Maybe she wanted to travel, and a child couldn't slow her down. Who knows? I guess each person would have a different meaning behind it.
I know when I was pregnant the first time I wasn't "ready", but I was by the time my child came. I imagine that most women are profoundly different the day before they found out they were pregnant than the day after giving birth. Different psychologically. Different physically. I think most women are ready to parent, but different societal ideals may keep her from feeling fully able. This is why we should be helping keep families intact, rather than jumping onto a young or poor pregnant woman, shouting out the numerous reasons why "they" think she can't or shouldn't parent. Parents and families need to be fully educated and be enlightened about all their possible options. Not just break people down because they don't fit into a certain socioeconomic bracket. Empowering women and men to keep their children should be on the forefront, not telling them they aren't ready. They are probably more ready than anyone is willing to give them credit for.

Pip

Well apparently I am one of those parents who wasn't ready to parent and it's something that my son's adoptive mother still struggles with. She is finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that I did actually want to parent but I don't hold it against her as she believed it to be true for so many years. She does care about me and my feelings and always refers to me as one of my son's mothers. I am never downgraded to a mere "birf" mother - if I'm "labelled" it's always natural mother.

H******

I don't know that ANYONE is 'ready to parent'. There is no formal training to prepare for parenthood, most people at my pre-natal classes shared a nagging 'oh I don't know what to expect, will I be an OK parent'

I think feeling you're 'not ready to parent' is often a self-confidence/self-doubt thing and is quite common. Coupled with others persuading you that you're 'not ready' is a lethal combination and for the unsupported expectant mother it's not difficult to see how she could submit to the notion that she's 'not ready'

The fact is, few are us feel ready and many put it off. Sometimes it's too late and their fertility is over by the time they get an inkling that they might be ready

I'm rambling. Long story short, I think people who have doubts in their abilities and no support are easy prey for the 'what do you have to offer this baby' adoption sellers

**********

well, i'm "not ready to parent".

i have mental health issues. i have ptsd. i am depressed, i have anxiety and have an eating disorder. i have resorted to self-harm.

i am choosing adoption because i am mentally not ready to parent (no one has told me this--i just know) and rather than my baby ending up in foster care i want to choose her family. or i wont know where she is.

i also have family (my parents especially) that would be dangerous to her and can find her, so i want her somewhere that they cant find her. different name. different family.

i decided, no one else.

kitta

This is old eugenics/adoption industry/social worker/agency lingo....blah, blah, blah..

No one is ever really "ready" to be a parent, anyway, no matter what they may have "prepared for." Nature prepares the body and the mind through hormones and natural processes, but life cannot be controlled.

No matter when children are born, the next 18 years to life, will happen, and no one will be able to control all of the variables. what an absurd idea to think that anyone could.

The adoption industry feeds on the idea that there is an "ideal time" and "ideal people" to raise children....and the industry is working to separate babies from vulnerable parents who may become entrapped in its programs.

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