What is so wrong with telling adoptees they are "special"?

MySmartSelf

All kids are special. I think some adoptive parents highlight the fact that they choose their children to the children to help make them feel more stable and loved.

AdoreHim

I am adopted and have 2 adopted children, so I do believe my children are special, but they are not any more special then if I had carried them in my womb. What I mean by this is God placed those children in my home, yes, so I am very grateful for them, but God also places children in the wombs of their bio-parents as well, and they are very special to their parents.

Spotty-Dotty

You're totally right but adoptees are no more or less special than the rest of us..

Lish

our 'donors'? are you referring to birth parents?
I was only wanted by my a parents cos they couldnt have their own kids. And for them to get me, I had to be unwanted by my biological mother, who made me, and who babies instinctually know and miss.
by telling a child they are special, u are making them feel somewhat different, depending on the child, that can have consequences. Do you know how much pressure a child can feel, knowing that they are 'special' and having to live up to that 'chosen' and 'special' label?

And special is patronising. I find the word patronising to handicapped or disabled people, and to adoptees. When we become old enough to think for ourselves, we realise that we are not special, we are just in a strange situation.

Shelley J

Nothing!
I think any parent would feel their child is special because they love them.

cricketlady

My daughter is special to me as are my other children.

Denisa

A child is special, REGARDLESS of if they were adopted or not.

Walter Ford II

Well I'm not "retarded" so calling me "special" would be an insult.

Lady Rowan

Because ALL children should be told they are special.

And actually, i and my brother were wanted by our "donors" as you call them. my first mom was just not exactly able to cope with us both. she was unprepared, and my first dad was not much help at all.

H******

So 'special' that our own mothers gave us away. Yay!!!!

celtic.piskie

My a-'parents' adopted me because they couldn't have biological children.

When they did have a biological child, they tried to send me back.

We're not special, we were just next on the list.

I wasn't wanted, I was a last resort.

drkangel210e

Once again, Ollie, if you feel good about being 'special' to your adoptive parents and that makes the abandonment by your first mother easier to swallow, there's nothing wrong with that. For some people that just isn't enough of an explanation. It's a well-meaning attempt to gloss over the initial rejection.

It's not enough for all of us.

gypsywinter

ALL of my children are 'SPECIAL' to me...which includes my adult child that I am reunited with and my raised adult children. I could give a rat's patootie if they aren't *Special* to anyone else.

O! Ollie...still spinning that 'wanted' yarn, are we? My own adult adoptee daughter, knows better than this. She once told me...if it hadn't been ***** & ****, it would have just been the next hopeful adoptive couple on the list.

The agency *Chose* the apars and my poor baby was next in line for availability. Nothing 'special' about that.

Most parents, whether adoptive or non-adoptive consider their children 'special' to them. Adoption does not have a lock or guarantee on 'special'.

Are you sure about that "100% guarantee that we were wanted by our parents"? What about those kids that the adoptive parents no longer want in their lives and surrender their adoptive parental rights? Nothing in life is guaranteed, not even in The Land of Adoption.

Ferbs

Oh..she's back.

Good luck selling that line of BS to those whose parents "wanted" them so bad they beat the crap out of them.

Being adopted IS special in that it isn't the usual way to have children...but all children are special...not because of OR in spite of adoption. I'm sure their "donors" feel the same way...seeing as they are HUMAN BEINGS!

And save your breath on the follow up assumption that because they placed their child for adoption they automatically lose their right to have feelings about them.

@AnnaBelle: The answer to your last question is in the question...to stir the pot of course! And doll out 2 points to all of us I guess.

BOTZ

"Adoptees have a 100% guarantee that we were wanted by our parents."

Um... not so much.

Well, I guess maybe they "wanted" a punching bag. It certainly wasn't *me* -- the actual, identifiable, unique *me* -- that they wanted. They didn't even want a baby... they were expected to have a large family and were not biologically gifted with the ability to make their own. So, they did what their family (well, HER family) and their church next prescribed and applied to adopt. When their name came to the top of the list, and I 'arrived' at the same time, Voila! adoption magic. (Urp!)

I'm so (cough, cough) happy that I could fill that void for them. Honestly, they could have saved a lot of money on an actual, inanimate punching bag... and *it* (the actual punching bag) would likely never have grown up to hate them, bad mouth them around town (which I do... with pleasure) and eventually hit them back (which I did when I was finally big enough)...

I'm just sayin'

O-Ollie, dear... YOU, on the other hand, are most assuredly "special".

Flaming June

Ohhhhh I'm special and I was a gift.

(SMIRK)

Thanks but no thanks.

Your reference to first mothers is utterly disgusting.

Laurel J

I wasn't wanted by my a'parents. How could they want _me_? I didn't exist when they applied to adopt. They wanted a baby.

But "special" made me feel even more different from everyone around met. I already knew I was different because the children who mocked me on the playground kinda gave me a little hint about that.

It's also patronizing. It's what we call people with disabilities when we feel sorry for them, isn't it? Special=the opposite of normal, doesn't it? Can you not see how that might add to an adoptee's feelings of alienation?

When I was called special, it made me feel as if I had better work really hard to _be_ special--very special--or I might get sent back where I came from. My parents never said any such thing--nobody did--but as a result of this kind of well-meaning comment, I spent my entire childhood seeking attention from and performing for the adults around me. Am I cute enough? Smart enough? Funny enough? Am I special enough yet?

PS--Capslocking "real, true" means you're shouting it from the rooftops. Why is that necessary? Why is calling your first parents "donors" necessary? Why do you have to announce your loyalty to one set of parents while insulting the other set over and over and over again?

Pip

Aaaah I have missed your nasty insulting questions.

1. I'm not a donor.
2. My son is no more special to his adoptive parents than their bio son.
3. I am as true and real a parent as my son's adoptive parents.
4. My son is as special to me as he is to his adoptive parents.
5. His adoptive parents consider me as real and true as them.

Btw get a grip donors donate blood or an organ not a baby.

Thanks for being as offensive as usual but it's worth answering for the two points.

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nothing more special than being purchased like a dog

Tonia

Sometimes to a child, "special" could also mean "different." Not too many children want to stand out or be too different than other children.

I use the word "awesome" alot with my little one. I think he's awesome and I tell him that alot. Along with "I love you," that's probably one of the most descriptive words he hears... and he seems to enjoy it.

Andraya - Snark's Sister

You are 100% correct... YOU are mighty "special".

aloha.girl59

I tell my (adopted) son he is special all the time. He's special to ME. He's not special because he was adopted or because he was surrendered. Being an adopted person does not make one any more special than anyone else. It just makes them adopted.

7rin

How about because we're not - or, at least, no more 'special' than any other human on the planet? Not all of us were wanted by our aparents, some of them were just handed a child and told to take it, much as my aparents were. This doesn't mean that they weren't hoping to be able to adopt A child at some stage, because it _was_ something they were looking into, but they didn't go out and choose me. Instead they had a neighbour call around and tell them that her sister knew a woman who had a baby she didn't want any longer, and did they want to go around and look at her (me). They went around to the flat I was in, and was told by my bmom, "she's in there, go and take her." I don't know any decent human on the planet who wouldn't want to then go and pick that baby up and take it to somewhere caring and loving - but that in no way makes me *chosen*, just fortunate.

Randy B

I never had a problem with it until I met a man who was adopted and who was always told by his family that he was special. This guy worked his tail off to be successful in business, he actually swam Lake Ontario years ago, was President of both his High School and University classes and many other things. He told me he always worked so hard to do those things so that he could feel inside that he lived up to the label of being "special". It drove him to a nervous breakdown because he never felt deserving and just kept on trying to be "special". It wasn't until the breakdown that he made some lifestyle changes and came to grips with the fact that he will always just be himself and doesn't need to work hard to live up to someone else's label.

DevonChaos

There is no 100% guarantee that we are wanted by our adoptive parents. There are so many cases where one parent wants to adopt and the other parent goes along with it to please their partner. There have been people on here talking about their own experiences with this.

Everyone is "special". Adopted people are no more "special" than anyone else.

We also cannot discount the fact that many of us were wanted by our first families, but for whatever reason, we were given up. I think you've been around here long enough to know this.

Wannabe Swan

I never had the guarantee. I just had the "shut up you stupid child!" or the "you're not pure blood so you can't go to your cousin's wedding" and stuff.

I'm not special. I'm not even average. I'm just me. I don't have that comfort. Great for you, but I just don't feel like hearing it.

a healing adoptee

because i'm not more special than the kid who was raised by their loving biological parents. what's wrong with you?

kateiskate is getting married

I don't know if I can really believe that I personally was wanted by my adoptive parents. Yeah, they wanted a kid. But if my natural parents had kept me, they would have found another kid to want instead of me. They didn't know me personally and didn't pick me out of a line up and say "Her. That's the one we want". So technically most of us weren't "wanted" or "chosen".

LinnyG

Because I would look horrible wearing a helmet.

Cam

Being adopted doesn't make one kid more special than another. ALL kids are special and should be told so.

AnnaBelle

Oh, swell.

You again.

I like Linny's answer.

Kids are special. Every kid that comes through my home, whether they be fostered or adopted, will be special. But they will be special by virtue of their own personalities, gifts, characters and spirits.

If you are assuming that a child is "special" just because they're adopted, what does that say to biological children, and also, it sounds insulting, as though you are patronizing them.

Ollie, why do you come here just to stir the pot?

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