What is worse? Becoming a happy adoptee or living a life of neglect and abuse with bio family?

SJM

Honestly, if this type of faulty logic was used throughout history, Americans would still be paying a tea tax and singing, "God Save the King." Attempting to reduce the complexities of a situation to emotion and comfort proves nothing.

I would rather risk personal comforts than forfeit my freedom. Anyone who requires I surrender my own identity in exchange for person comfort has displayed his intent to rob me of my freedom. You can fit that into your either/or fallacy however you wish.

Katyy

I say adoptee. Because I think it would be awful to go through a life of abuse with your biological family. And if you were adopted I think your life could be hard, in some ways, but I would rather be loved by another family.

-Katy :)

Megan

I have never really experience abuse outside the womb from my birth mom (plenty of it inside the womb you should see the drug report I got when I turned 18...wow) Sometimes I wonder how different of a person I would of been had it not been for the adoption. But I am perfectly happy the way I am now being raised in a great home with a great set of parents that could just not have children of there own

AdoreHim

My husband at times wishes he had been adopted, because of the abuse he received from his bio family. I am adopted and was very happy, and because of that adopted 2 children.

letslaughwithnr

i was adopted. It was all good. I had a great childhood. Know my birthparents now too, it's amazing.

Jennifer L

Of course, a situation that is not abusive is always better than a situation that was abusive, no matter where adoption fits into the equation.

While adoptive parents are heavily screened, their lives dissected down to the minute detail, background checks, (in some cases) psychological evaluations (etc), there is no guarantee that some bad apples can't slip through the cracks.

It's not a black or white situation.

But I don't think that a pregnant woman needs to be convinced or swayed to do anything by a bunch of people who don't know her.

To those questions that come up, I don't like it when people say "Keep your baby! You'll regret it forever if you don't!"

I don't like it when people say "Have an abortion! It'll be a little procedure that you'll sleep through and you'll never think about it again!"

I also don't like it when people say, "Adopt! Your baby will be cared for by a loving family and you'll feel better knowing that your baby has the best life possible!'

The common thread in these stock answers (of which there have been many, to these kinds of questions) is that everyone is telling the OP what she will feel. Even if the responder -had- done the above and -did- end up feeling that way, that doesn't mean that the person in question here will feel the same.

Again, with the boundary thing, MY feelings and experiences are not YOUR feelings and experiences.

Share your feelings and experiences, just don't presume that just because you feel the way you do that everyone else will also.

Lele

I am a happy adoptee. My younger siblings Dad adopted me when I was 3 years old. It was because my Dad went to jail for armed robbery and he was not a very good person. So I would say being a happy adoptee is better.

CathRun

I think this is a very positive, insightful question.

Unfortunately a lot of what you see and hear about adoption can be negative. A lot of birthing stories are like that, too. You never hear about the three hour births. Only the 24 hour ones!

People who live happy, well adjusted lives don't tend to complain. They just live their lives, don't they? The statistics indicate that over 95% of adoptees do NOT require counseling to deal with specific adoption issues.

But that is kind of boring, huh? Isn't it more interesting to hear about all the problems that adoption can cause rather than about all the positive stories? So. Of couse it is better all around for a child to be happily adopted. Birth moms who are secure in themselves and that decision recognize that. But they aren't usually the ones who have the time to hop into YA. They are living their lives. Nor are adoptive moms. They are out raising their kids.

The bitterness you usually see in here seems to be isolated to this place and other groups that dwell on those sorts of issues. It's not representative of adoption as a whole.
EDIT: And let me also say I am so proud of the adoptees who wrote in here. It is obvious you are, for the most part, well adjusted and you should be proud of yourselves. You have 2 sets parents who love you and you deserve it.
You will see I will get thumbs down for this response. Interesting, isn't it? The negativity that creeps into this issue just continues no matter how hard you try to maintain neutrality.

TSM

Being a happy adotpee. Many children adopted out by great families DO consider that family to be their bio family. Who wants to be miserable, especially by the hands of their blood relatives

kidmindi

I have asked myself this a million times.

I was adopted and materially speaking had everything a kid could wish for. Yet I longed for my REAL mother.

My sisters who were raissed by her suffered terrible abuse by one of her boyfriends while our mother was "otherwise occupied".

Had I lived with her, I would have grown up with a series of her abusive boyfriends, been subjected to the drug culture and God only knows what would have happened to me.

As an andult in reunion with her, I love spending every minute with her and have a stronger bond with her than I ever did my adoptive mom. She just left after being here for a month and I miss her terribly.

Could I have chosen, I would have wanted her to clean up her act and raise me and my siblings in a nice respectable way.

Since she wasn't able to do that, I was better off being adopted.

All that being said tho, I still prefer her presence in my life over my adoptive moms.

(strange huh?)

LaraSue

Kind of a dumb question in my view.
Each experience is different, they can't all be painted with the same brush, which is a huge problem in the section.

...

IF those are the only 2 choices, I would think being a "happy" adoptee, might me preferable, sadly even those who suffered abuse and are happy they were adopted, may still suffer with what led to their adoption.

ETA---- I've been guilty of that, I found out about a neighbor who was considering adoption, mostly because she had her baby things in a storage unit while she stayed with family, and she didn't pay the rent and lost the baby things. I put an add on craigslist and was able to get EVERYTHING she needed for her baby, from a crib to diapers.

A month after having the baby, she lost her baby due to abuse, the grandmother has him now.

I wonder if I should have just minded my own business and maybe the baby would have never gone through that, but I guess you can never predict what will happen.

ETA-- I disagree that a newborn can't be abused/ neglected. What about the cases of profound prenatal drug and alcohol exposure, of the FEW cases of children who were supposed to be aborted, but lived and have serious mental and physical problems.

While it's not the norm, it DOES happen.

SORRY, I know It's not typical or even common, but how can anyone NOT call this abuse?

"Ximena Renaerts
Ximena's odessy with Vancouver General Hospital began on Dec. 16, 1985, the day she was born. After attempting an abortion at a free-standing mill in Bellingham, Wash. Ximena's birth mother entered VGH, where she gave birth. According to court documents, staff delivered the child into a "hat"--a plastic pot--and then senior nurse Vera Wood whisked her away. Ximena was placed in a room "where dead fetuses were stored," even though she was "moving, gasping, (and) crying weakly."

Court documents say Wood checked back some 26 minutes later, to find the child still alive. A nursing supervisor was called and arrived almost an hour after Ximena's birth. She found the child still in the "hat," uncovered, on a stainless-steel counter. By the time the Infant Transport Team arrived, Ximena had suffered a severe loss of heat, which in turn caused extensive and permanent brain damage.

Ximena's adoptive family eventually sued VGH for $10 million. Hospital officials petitioned to have the case heard before a judge only, but the B.C. Supreme Court ruled it would be best heard before a jury. In June of this year, facing the prospect of a public trial, the hospital settled out of court for an undisclosed amount of money. All family members will say is that Ximena will be well taken care of.

Meanwhile, pro-life activists are calling for criminal charges to be laid. B.C.'s pro-abortion Attorney-General Ujjal Dosanjh initially balked at the idea of investigating, but then instructed his criminal justice branch to contact Vancouver police. As of press time, no announcement had been made on whether further action will be taken. The B.C. College of Physicians and Surgeons have claimed the incident is out of their jurisdiction.

VGH continues to face heat over the case. Pro-lifers are now handing out literature outside the hospital, warning women of the events surrounding Ximena's birth. Some pro-lifers are suggesting VGH's recent request for a no-protest "bubble zone" around the facility is an attempt to cover up the case and hide it from patients and possible donors.

But it seems unlikely officials will be able to put a lid on the story, since it may have happened before. A May 30, 1986 Vancouver Sun article quotes nurse Kathryn Larouche, who spent a year working in the VGH ward where abortions were committed. Larouche stated she saw three infants "die after they were delivered live."

"We were supposed to turn the other way," Larouche said. "We weren't supposed to do anything. There were a couple of people ... I don't want to say who. They told us, â€˜Don't do anything. Leave it alone. It will die.'" The events left such emotional scars, Larouche eventually resigned. Five other nurses left with her.

VGH officials insist that, according to their records, there has been no other case where a "viable" infant was born and allowed to die. They have not provided an explanation of what "viable" means. "

Andraya - Snark's Sister

Way to go! With these two being the "only" options I doubt you will find anyone who would take the abusive option. You really seem to have a huge hate-on for natural families, kudos to you.

I'll take no abuse any day, too bad that isn't what adoption got me.

June Cleaver Would Be Appalled

I've been both. First 11 years of my life, I was abused and neglected by my mother.
She died when I was 11, and after a brief time in foster care, my godparents were found and they took me in, later adopting me.

I prefer life now to life when I was younger. I wish things were different with my mother, yes, I wish she was not such a troubled mind, but it was what it was, and I am okay with that.

I am a happy adult, and I love my parents very much. What do I care that we aren't a typical family? We're family, that is what matters to me.
It would be horribly insulting not only to them, but to me, for someone to say I'd be better off with an egomaniac who's blood-related and resents my mere existence to the extent of beating me up; than to live with two wonderful people who love me and love each other and want to be a family.

I don't think what you're born as is your destiny or the only right path to follow. Blood doesn't matter; choices matter, and I will never believe that I would be better off with a mother who made a choice NOT to be a parent, rather than be with two people who made that choice when they didn't have to, and when it was even woefully inconvenient for them to do so.

I'm not a "bitter" adoptee, but I do believe there needs to be some serious reform in how adoption is conducted and looked at in our society. It's not as black and white as you paint it or as it is in some of our cases. Mine was, most are not.

Pedro

my wife was adopted when she was a baby, she had a great life and now she has started a family with me

H******

How insulting. My natural family was not abusive! Whats with the assumption that bio families are abusive, that's a blanket generalization if ever I saw one.

Nobody is better off in an abusive family, whether bio or adoptive. Duh

Alion

Becoming a happy adoptee.

oink (::

Becoming a happy adoptee.

Jackie

This is like answering if you like black or white, night or day, etc. Everyone on the planet knows that the best choice is happy and healthy and not sad and neglected no matter where that child is.

Walter Vassey

the wrost thing is to live a life of neglect and abuse with your bio family. i rather be a happy adoptee

å°é»ƒ

The "worse" issue - excluding the happy adoptee aspect - is that the bio family is even abusive in the first place.

This is yet another "So have you stopped beating your wife" questions. The world is not that black & white.

CathRun: Just ignore the TDs no matter which "side" you are on. I don't think there is really such a thing as being completely neutral towards a topic adoption-related.

LinnyG

I am a happy adoptee who was abused in my adoptive family. My a dad was an alcoholic. I had the cra@p knocked out of me. I still love him, though, just as I love my first mother and father- who were NOT alcoholics and did not physically abuse my n siblings.

Your question has one intention- to inflame and start cr@p. In the case of newborn adoption, there is NO neglect or abuse, they usually relinquished because they were told to by their parents. Get a clue. It will help YOU seem more focused.

You do not know if the young mothers here "really don't want to parent". Most are asking for advice.

***ETA**** Yes, you are correct, there are in fact some cases of newborn abuse, such as having drugs in their system, or worse...But those cases are rare. The MAJORITY of newborn adoptees are the children of young women who feel pressured to relinquish, either by their parents, a coercive agency and/or pap. Again- READ my post- no generalizing here- I said they are USUALLY given up due to outside pressures. I never said having drugs in a baby's system was not abuse, it is. And wth does abortion have to do with this???? If it was botched, that would be the doctor's fault, not the first Mother's. Good lord....
Sigh......

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