Why NOT adoption!?!?!?!?!?

pink butterfly

I think the reasons a lot of people don't adopt is because they wouldn't be their own child; they want the child to be their biological child and they want other family members to accept the child too. Also, adoption is very time consuming and expensive. Also, older adopted children (including toddlers even) tend to have a higher level of learning disabilities and they may have behavioral issues as when. A lot of children put up for adoption had mothers who smoke, did drugs, drank alcohol, etc during pregnancy and that has affected the child. (I was a movie a couple of weeks ago in one of my classes and one of the stories was of a husband and wife who adopted a boy when he was a baby and the boy had fetal alcohol syndrome and he grew up more and more violent. His adopted mother would have to hold him down with her body just so he wouldn't hurt anybody or himself when he got angry, she even had to do this in grocery stores in public. He was even arrested at about 5 or 6 years old for threatening the mailman with a knife. Then there was another story of an aunt who adopted her sister's son. This boy also had anger issues and ADHD. This was a case where the boy boy, as a baby, witnessed his mother getting murdered.
For me, I have always wanted to adopt a child, but I don't think I could deal with one that needs to be held down to control himself. I think I still want to adopt, I would just try not to adopt a child where the mother was smoking, drugs, alcohol, whatever during pregnancy.

rebekah

*sigh* adoption is going to be the only road for my husband and i, who after trying to conceive for 10ys have been told we can't have children. i can't imagine being in the shoes of the women who do give their babies up for adoption, but i do admire them, and the gifts they bless other people with who wish to be parents. the one thing that upsets me about the whole adoption process is the expense, especially when you've already put out tons of money for IVF bills. amazing how crack addicts can pop em out like candy but those of us who would be able to give a child a life full of love have to pay thousands for a gift that others take for granted. *sighing and saddened*

Thank you for your question and your open mind. There are several people here that have had bad adoption experiences. I truly wish that was different. I wish every adoption experience was a good one, but that is apparently not the case. I am not asking for butterflies and rainbows, and that would be way too much to expect. However, I also wish that those people that have had bad experiences wouldn't assume that every adoption experience will be like theirs was. I have read several stories where the adoption experience went well. It seems to prove the old adage that "a satisfied person will tell three people, and a dissatisfied person will tell ten".

Don't be disheartened by negative responses. All we can hope for is that each experience will be good, and pray for those that are not.

7rin

*seconds everything said ^up there^ that's sensible*

rugby chick

It is a touchy subject, but as someone who is in the process of adopting a child, I am for it. My husband and i are doing an open adoption.
I feel so bad whenever a birth mother mentions on here that she is giving her child up for adoption and everyone gets on her back. I give those who give life to a baby and then give it up for adoption a lot of credit. I am sure it is not an easy decision for the child, but one they Birth mother is making with herself and her child in mind.

Lish

Its exactly what u said ", I see adoption as such a wonderful blessing, I just don't understand how you can be against it!!"
a blessing for the adoptive parents perhaps. not for the child a lot of the time and certainly not for most birth mothers. its not Gods decision to decide who raises the child, if he wanted the adoptive parents to raise the child He, if He exists, would have put that baby in her womb.
u have the classic naive opinion of adoption that really gets to me.
its NOT about the people who can not have children, it is about the child! that fact that money is handed over means that it is baby buying. what about this can u not understand???
my adoptive parents are wonderful, but it has hurt me in a lot of ways that you could not understand.
i am adopted ok, i know a LOT more about this than u do.

REBEKAH - BABIES ARE NOT 'GIFTS'.

STARFISH - dont let other peoles opinions effect u if u want to adopt? oh right, like actual people who have been affected by it? thats right, tell her to stick her head in the sand and ignore the negative side. and make sure u do the same with ur adoptive kids, if u adopt, it will work out very well (sarcasm)

argh why are ppl so ignorant?

â™«Ms. Kittyâ™€â™«

Most people who are against adoption are people who have been in adoption agencies themselves. Its hard and really painful for both the child and the birth mother. When your put in an agency waiting to be adopted its not always a guarantee that you will. I mean if the family is RIGHT there arms out waiting for the child then thats different. But its not always like that. Plus if your child is black then the chances are even LOWER. There are only 17% of black people in this country and 90% of them are either fertile or don't want kids.

And if their are SO many people who can't have kids and want to adopt why don't they adopt these kids instead of pressuring moms to give up their newborns?

http://www.chsfl.org/adoptiondisp.php?divID=2001053009413535

Notice how most of them are TEENS/and or mentally challenged.

Romany

I'm really having a hard time supporting the notion that God meant for children to be born into one family but miraculously raised by another. I am sick of people who use their interpretation of "God's Will" and "meant to be" to justify getting what THEY want no matter who suffers.

My biggest issues with adoption?
1. Corruption, extortion, kidnapping, child trafficking. Falsified records. No records at all.
2. Refusal of agencies and adoptive parents to actively investigate allegations, including the refusal to submit DNA samples.
3. Coercion of expectant mothers to feed the entitlement cravings of prospective adopters.
4. The hijacking of "divine will" to support said entitlement cravings.
5. The lures of "open" adoption when it's not legally enforceable.
6. Sealed records allegedly to "protect" parties who are adults but are still perceived as "children" or "fragile".
7. The erasure of identity and heritage that is part and parcel of the "as if born to" restructuring of an adoptee.
8. Society's view of adoptees who want to reclaim said lost heritage and lost identity as "ungrateful".

smarmy

When the adoption industry stops all the covert operations to procure children, when they quit lying about the children being orphans just so they can sell them, when they start addressing ALL the issues and side effects associated with adoption, then I'll be all for it. Until then, ummm no. Why don't you get your hands on some real information regarding what adoption has turned into and see for yourself why not adoption.

Shannon

Adoption is a necessary thing in our society, but only for children who do not have homes. The problem is that there are babies who are being taken from their mothers by paying customers with the "help" of an agency. If these loving couples would actually play their part, they would adopt a child who actually needs a home rather than take a baby from his or her mom right after birth. If you really want a child so badly, why not do it ethically and look into adopting from foster care?

Please do not call expectant mothers "birth mothers." Many expectant mothers get a feeling that they will not be able to handle their new responsibilities. It is a normal feeling. A mother should have a chance to try parenting before any paying "family" comes around trying to get that baby. Usually, everything would be fine given the chance and proper support. (No matter her age or socio-economic status) It is rare for a mother to not want her child.

Jennifer Rose T

I have been adopted twice in my life, ages 3 and 9. I am not against it, the only disadvantage is, you feel like you will never find your true family, culture or Identity.

Bookwarm

My problem here is that societies solution to having mothers who are poor or homeless should not be to encourage them to separate from their children so a more wealthy family can raise the child. I believe supporting the mother to get whatever education she can and get the father to help out and try to raise the whole family above the poverty line, as opposed to moving the child to another family above the poverty line. Orpahnages in America a few and far between, the closest thing to them are group homes, witch house older abused children who I wish would get adopted but rarely are. Adoption can be the best solution when a mother is abusive, so disadvantaged(extreme drug addiction or very extreme mental illness) that she cannot find support to parent(although kinship care is easily the best in this case), or simply doesn't want to parent(I can't imagine this happens very often), but it isn't a cure all a baby has to leave one family to be adopted into another.

Pip

"Why NOT adoption!?!?!?!?!?"

- Why not parent

"I would just like to know why some of you are against adoption?"

- I'm not against adoption, I am against coerced and forced adoption both of which are unnecessary.

"If a birth mother for some reason is not able to raise the child, and there is another parent or parents that's able to raise the child, then why shouldn't they adopt the baby?"

- If a mother is unable to raise her child then it would be better that the child was raised by another family member or if that wasn't an option then adoption should be the last resort.

"Like it or not there are children with out homes, so would you rather they all live in orphanages with out parents or a happy home life? Or be adopted by a loving family?"

- Nobody disputes that. Not all children are orphans but even those who are in the UK don't go to orphanages, they either life with foster carers, a guardian, in a care home or are adopted.

"There are so many people out there that are unable to have their own children, that would love to be a parent, what is wrong with them wanting to have a child through adoption?"

- I am a mother who was coerced into surrendering despite being quite capable of raising my child. I was working so was financially stable as well. My husband and I don't have children due to infertility so this argument is flawed. We wwould be good parents and could provide a child with a loving home but having gone through what I have is exactly why I couldn't adopt as I know how painful it is not to raise my own child.

"I would just like to know your reasons and opinions, I see adoption as such a wonderful blessing, I just don't understand how you can be against it!!"

- Adoption isn't wonderful as at least one person suffers if not two - my son and I have both suffered because of adoption and that damage can't be repaired. You obviously haven't suffered pain because of adoption so how can you begin to understand the dark side of adoption. Unless you have walked the walk of an adoptee or a mother who has suffered because of adoption you cannot begin to understand that adoption isn't wonderful.

Carol c

I see you've gotten some excellent answers so I'll just respond with a question back to you. Why adoption if there is someone in a child's family willing and able to parent? Usually when a mother cannot parent it's because she is lacking either financial or emotional support. If there is someone in that family that can perhaps legally do a guardianship situation or kinship adoption- that's fine.

Otherwise, why cut off a human beings entire heritage, falsify a document to say the child was born to someone else and have the child suffer from what's referred to as geneological bewilderment because they don't look like or act like others in the family?

And adoption was not a blessing for my son and certainly not for me - we were both tragically affected. Even being reunited doesn't undo the hurt and damage we suffered.

myst1998

Adoption is a contradiction of everything we hold dear. No one seriously thinks of adoption until they are told they cannot have their own babies and then they jump on the band wagon.

Adoption, like someone else pointed out, is based on loss. So why would adoption be a good thing? Right from the start it is based on pain and loss, so it is not, as you put it, a "wonderful blessing" for those suffering the loss.

Only those who really benefit from the ripping apart of families (i.e. the adoptive family) benefits from this system. Abuse is not prevented by adoption; that is merely an excuse to keep adoption going but it is not a reality. Same with poverty. Adoption does not prevent poverty either.

Most children in foster care don't end up getting adopted because they are not cute little babies with "blank slates" as people believe babies have (which is untrue).

You need to educate yourself on adoption by reading and researching all of the facts on adoption and quit swallowing all the crap that is fed to you by the media which does not factually report anything these days.

Once you know the truth, I don't know how anyone can promote or support adoption. It is a curse, not a blessing.

I am a person not a 'blessing'. My aparents didn't just want a child to love and raise, they wanted a baby to mold and raise. I am torn on infant adoption. I think if an adoptive family wants to experience the 'infant' stage they should be able too, but only if the child has been dropped off at a safe haven type place, something happened to the mother and there are no willing family members to take guardianship. Its not just cute cuddly babies that need to be adopted. Most infant adoptions that take place don't need to. The mother just needs help getting on her feet. There are thousands of older children in foster care that really do need a home and family of their own.

Brokenhearted but trying again

I am an adopted child and I am not completely against it, I just see it as so much more complicated than a loving couple who can't have their own children adopting a poor little orphan child who was abandoned by their parents. My adopted parents are good people and they really tried but my childhood was rough. Most people who adopt are oblivious to the set of issues that ALL adopted children have. No matter what age you are adopted at or how much your adopted parents love you at some point you are going to have issues with the fact that the person that carried you in their belly for 9 months didn't keep you. I have several friends who are adopted and belong to a large adoption network and this is just a simple fact. People who have biological children should never be allowed to adopt. There is a bond between a mother and child that is only formed through pregnancy and childbirth. I have a natural child of my own and now I understand that no matter how hard my mother tried or how well she thought she hid it, she loved my sister (her biological child) differently than me. It can't be helped, I don't care who you think you are it is not the same, it simply can't be and it is just another issue for an adopted kid to deal with. I think of adoption as more of a necessary evil, it is needed but the results are always questionable. I love my adopted parents and I will always appreciate what they have done for me but having a child of my own has allowed me to see what I missed as a child. If you are going to adopt a child, please get all the proper education and don't make the decision lightly.

Skye

I'm not against adoption, but here are some things to think about.

Not ALL children get adopted, in fact MOST of them don't. These children who aren't adopted spend their lives in foster care, never having a permanent home and never having a permanent family. There are also people who become foster parents for the SOLE purpose of abusing these children.

There is no shortage of people looking to adopt a cutesy little baby. There definitely is a shortage of people looking to adopt an older child who is screaming out for a solid family unit and to be taught morals and respect.

I'm not against adoption, but certain parts of it do annoy me.

mapleleaf2

Look at it this way: Adoption begins with loss . A mother loses her beloved baby and a child loses his or her family. Not only that, but most adoptions are preventable. Examples: thousands occur every year in the U.S. but only a handful of domestic infant adoptions in Australia each year. And did you know that most children in foster care are there due to poverty? 70% in fact according to the NASW. Poverty is entirely preventable when social support is sufficient for a mother to raise her baby on. Plus the majority of mothers who surrender newborns to adoption are coerced either emotionally, financially, psychologically, or socially. They are surrendering babies they love and want to keep and the result is severe PTSD, depression, unresolved grief and loss, and secondary infertility among other consequences. And why? Because baby brokers stand to make $25,000 and more for each healthy white newborn they can provide to their paying customers. Open your eyes.

Starfire wrote: "I just wish all those children being abused in their birth homes were getting adopted too instead of killed."

And i wish that all those children who were abused in their adoptive families had got to stay with their natural parents. Adoption does NOT prevent abuse!

minimouse68

Adoption, in its current form, involves the total loss of a child's identity. It pretends that a pair of total strangers gave birth to the child and takes away from a child the right to genetic and medical history....in short, this so called loving act is nothing but a pack of lies. Why is it necessary to alter a child's birth certificate to reflect something that's not true? Why are so many people incapable of looking at the whole of adoption with a "how would I feel if someone did that to me?" perspective. When adult adoptees try to express how adoption has made us feel, and the problems it has left us with, we are hit with scorn and disbelief. Why is it so hard for people to understand that loosing your mother, no matter what the reason is, hurts. If a child looses their parents to death, we show them sympathy, we dont just tell them to be grateful someone else wants them, yet almost all adoptees who express unhappiness with the loss of their identities are told that they should be "glad they weren't aborted," "grateful that their adoptive parents "rescued" them," we're told that genetics dont count, reuniting with my first mother saved my life, I inherited cancer and cardio myopathy from her.....so obviously genetic information does count..... If you genuinely want to help a child who needs a home, and like an awful lot of adoptees, I didnt need a home and my mother most certainly did want me she was forced to relinquish by my grandparents, then you and anyone else who wants to help shouldn't require that the child give up their identity. If it was all about the needs of children as so many people claim then there would be no adoption, only legal guardianship.

julie j

Hi Panda,

Ok, I will copy/paste to individually address each of the things you brought up:

"Why NOT adoption!?!?!?!?!?" -

Because there are better ways of providing children with love & care than what a legal adoption requires of them to forfeit first. Legal guardianship, for example, would be a much better option for the children. All of us are in favor of loving & caring for children. However, a legal adoption as it's currently practiced, is not a prerequisite in order to provide children with love & care, and it sometimes doesn't even accomplish that. Adoptions can create more harm than good.

"I would just like to know why some of you are against adoption?" -

For starters because it is disrespectful to the child and the child's first family. Some of us are against adoption because of the unethical way the entire business is conducted. Adoption is a lie, it's coercive, people get hurt, records are sealed & adoptee's rights are taken away.

"If a birth mother for some reason is not able to raise the child, and there is another parent or parents that's able to raise the child, then why shouldn't they adopt the baby?" -

We need to find out what is preventing the family from being raised together and address that first to help families stay together. We need to have resources & support systems available for those who need them. Extended family members should be chosen over strangers whenever possible. Children are not interchangeable units that can be transferred to any other family without effects on them or their parents. Those other people who really want to help a child should help the child's family instead of taking their child away & raising it themselves. That's not help. Or they should try helping the children who really do need homes instead.

"Like it or not there are children with out homes, so would you rather they all live in orphanages with out parents or a happy home life? Or be adopted by a loving family?"-

Nobody likes the fact that yes, there are children without homes & those are precisely the ones who should be given top priority to the best available prospective adoptive homes. The problem is, those "loving happy homes" do not want those children. That is why those children wait in foster care for years while those "loving families" would much rather wait years & spend $30,000 to separate a healthy, white newborn from his/her family instead. Newborns are in no danger of ever living a life on the streets, in foster care or in an orphanage. (The U.S. hasn't even had orphanages in almost 100 years). P.S. Not all adoptive homes are "loving" either.

"There are so many people out there that are unable to have their own children, that would love to be a parent, what is wrong with them wanting to have a child through adoption?" -

Adoption is not about finding babies for adults who feel they need them. It is about finding families for children who actually DO need them. It is irrelevant whether the adoptive parents can have their own children or not. That has nothing to do with what makes someone a good parent. Adopting a child is not a cure for infertility anyway. It's a social service meant to find the best homes for children in need. Again, there is nothing wrong with wanting to provide a home to a child who really needs one. There are half a million in foster care, 150,000 legally free for adoption right now. What's stopping those adults from providing them with a home?

"I would just like to know your reasons and opinions, I see adoption as such a wonderful blessing, I just don't understand how you can be against it!! " -

My main point is that not enough is currently being done to meet the adoptees' needs in even the best of adoptive situations because of adoption itself, not the AP's. And yes, it's always a blessing for those on the receiving end of adoption, isn't it? Stop and think about all the losses that must occur for an adoption to happen in the first place. These losses continue & are generally left unacknowledged. Listen to what the adoptees & first families have to say & that should help you understand that adoption does have problems. Plenty of AP's here "get it." Adoption is in great need of reform. Hope this helped answer your question. Please stay & read more to learn about adoption issues. Thanks,

julie j
reunited adult adoptee

ETA - for the poster who pointed out that not all "birth homes are loving either" - All adoptees would not have been abused by their first families either. Abuse should not be tolerated anywhere. If adoption is purported to provide a better home for a child & they are being abused there, it's not a blessing. It's worse in adoptive families because it means at least 2 families have already failed that child, not just one. A blessing is a child growing up without abuse at all. Adoption is no guarantee of protection from abuse. Studies show a higher incidence of children being abused by adults not genetically related to them, be they adoptive parents, step-parents, etc.

Flaming June

The defensive wall you are building is very obvious. So I'm going to assume that you have some sort of invested interest in adoption. I'll take a shot in the dark and guess that you would like to adopt and you are young. So before you play savior, PLEASE educate yourself.

First and foremost. Drop the word "birthmom" I guarantee that the vast majority of women who have given a child up for adoption do not like to be refereed to that term.

Second let's be honest with ourselves here, there are several types of adoption. The adoption that most of us "adoptees" disapprove of is pre-birth matching adoption. Did you know that there are 40-60 families to 1 white newborn infant? That means that there is NO shortage in families waiting for an infant. Foster-care adoptions, I can agree with( in most situations), IF THE PARENTS ARE EDUCATED and understand (or try to understand) the complex issues the child has. Why pay 30-50,000 for an infant when there are many children in fostercare? Oh wait I forgot many soon to be parents want babies that have blank slates. No histories that they can mold. Parents are not told that raising adopted children is very different than raising BIO. I didnâ€™t even touch the issue of coercion and the tactics agencies use to convince a woman she is not worthy of being a parent, the MONEY that exchanges hands in infant adoption, AND the telling tales of children being stolen internationally and sold to foreign families.

One of the top three things to do here in America is study genealogy. There are thousands of websites where people can trace their heritage. As an adoptee I don't have access to that. Even after I turned 18, I am unable to get my records opened without a long and costly process. (I'm 30 now) I have an amended birth certificate. It reads that my adoptive parents gave birth to me. Now that stolen identities are on the rise, do you know how many of us adoptee's are confronted with issues trying to get updated licenses and travel visa's with amended birth certificates?? I am unable to get access to any medical info from my first family. Now that I am a mother, we are more or less flying blind.

And now letâ€™s visit the physiological issues surrounding adoption. It is not all frilly like the **** you see on TV. Or Chicken Soup for the Adopted Soul. (Which by the way vast majority of stories are from the adoptive parents and â€œforever familiesâ€ ) Youâ€™ll get some adopteeâ€™s that are happy and secure in their adoptions, there are some adoptees that havent even begun to understand what has happened (and never will) and youâ€™ll get adoptees that are more sensitive to the issues. I am one of those. Iâ€™ll chime in and say that it took me several years to connect personal issues to my adoption.

http://www.amfor.net/acs/

Adoption begins will a loss. Understand that. A mother (and father+ family) who relinquished a child as well as the adoptee suffer a loss. The adoptive parents gain. It sometimes takes YEARS for women who have given a child up for adoption to even begin to cope. (Or does one cope??)

I am not bitter. I love my family. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome that has lead me here. I can try to get my voice heard to prevent future disasters. Adoption should be about finding homes for children, not people that want designer children.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: