Why are people so bitter about adoption?

Many of my second cousins have been adopted, and they feel like it was a blessing. They have never even wanted to find their birth parents - as far as they are concerned, they have ADOPTIVE parents and that is what counts to them. These people are in their 40s and 50s, and are totally comfortable with it.

Maybe the people on here who are negative about it may have experienced difficulties with their adoptive parents, and that's why it is more prevalent here. People who are positive about their adoption are probably not in here asking questions about their adoption.

Edited to Add: See, the bitter ones have given thumbs down because I have had a positive story and speculated on why maybe the majority of adoptees on this site may have issues. That does NOT mean all adpotees have issues. There are positives and negatives, I'm sure. I just wanted to share pa positive with the person who asked the question, same as others want to share how they feel about it.

mom to be

Everyone comes from a different experience. It is the loud people who answer questions in a nasty and rude was that get the attention. Some people here I would not listen to at all , but there are others whose answers I always read regardless of their views, because I value what they say. When people can answer questions nicely I read them, when they are mean and nasty, (they seem bitter) I don't waste my time.

durdenslabs

My husband was adopted when he was a baby. He was told that he had been adopted when he was about 13. He has never wanted to meet his bio mom (no father, she was raped apparently) either. He said he was raised by his mom and dad and they ARE his mom and dad. All I know is that his bio mom was a deaf/mute that was raped and she would never have been able to properly care for him. He's never been bitter about being adopted.

I guess it all depends on the people, how/when/what they were told and the situation.

kkbabyz

My little sister was adopted and she knows despite the fact shes only 10 years old and i can tell you for a fact that she feels like were her only family we fight all of the time and with her being the youghest she sometimes yells shes hates us and everyother word in the book that she can think if but at the end of the day i think that she knows that we love her and wouldnt let either of her birth parents near her for a 5 state radius .

THe reason i think that you and my sister are like i'm okay with the fact that im adopted is because your a realist and my mom decided to expose my sister to the fact she was adopted at a very youngh age that way she can't ever feel as if she was lied to when she's older. Some families like to keep it a big secret as if theres something wrong with it and go crazy because they feel as if the live they had was nothing but a big lie.
Some kids have resentment because they didnt get adopted until later in life and may be feeling unworthy of the adoption or as if they arent good enough to be adopted and even their real parents didnt think they were good enough
Those are the only reasons i can think of except abuse that adoptees wouldnt like it :(

red elephants

I'm sure this will bring on the thumbs down but from my perspective many like to play the giving victim role(not just in this topic but life in general). Many in this forum act like they are just here to teach people in a civil way about adoption and its flaws, that they don't get anything out of being here, that all they do is give give give to adoptive parents and those wanting to adopt.

Their delivery is anything but civil in many cases. Instead of a thoughtful educational response they tell future adoptive parents that adoption will cost them their souls, that the vast majority of adoptees are just like them and hate adoption and any adoptee who doesnt feel the same is just in denial of their emotions, they tell anyone looking into infant or international adoption that they are selfish and its unethical, that no birthmom ever recovers, etc. This makes them come across as bitter and angry when they claim that they aren't bitter. Delivery is very important in how people are perceived. There are some very civil individuals on all sides but there are a good number who are so far from that its amazing. Again its not the sharing of your life stories that make you seem bitter. Its the constant attacking of anyone with other views or that is going down a path you don't find acceptable that makes you seem bitter and angry.

In forums you tend to get a larger number of individuals who are extremely passionate on either side of the issue and less who are just in the middle or content with their situation. People tend to seek out forums like this when they have strong opinions. As for adoption I don't believe its nearly as negative a thing as a number of people on here are determined to paint it. Yes it has its flaws but so does everything in life.

Independ"ant"

It seems bitter to your ears because you are subconsciously categorizing all natural parents that have relinquished as convicts or irresponsible. That is probably why you can't relate....you can't see past your own personal situation and look at what is really going on within adoption.

Baby buying...legalized kidnapping...cases of abuse/murder etc.

"It takes a lot for someone to take a child into their home that isn't technically their flesh and blood."
Yes it does......how can Aps immorally albeit legally hold children hostage against the natural parents rights or buy babies from agencies that participate in illegal kidnapping. Yes it takes a lot of desperation and ignorance to say the least about character.

ETA...."Lori: I have left the country on several occasions...I never had a problem"

Gringo Cancun wasn't what she was referring to...kiddo.

Dreamweaver back for more

I feel for you.. Check out some of the research materials. I NEVER knew there was such thing as a bad adoption experience til I came here and visited other forums. I didn't know what the BSE was....I just didn't know sooo much! I do see a lot of people with positive experiences, like mine, but I'm much better off now that I'm educated on the history ( bad and good ) of adoption. They aren't so much bitter, as they want their mothers! I dont' see anything wrong with that. Especially once you get to know the stories.

I CAN say to those that say "well, my natural mom is a double PHD and I could've stayed with her" The REASON she has the double PHD is because she wasn't raising a newborn at 15 or 16 years old. I DO hate that argument. You change one little thing in your life and you become a different person.....

Nightstar

I think adoption is a different experience for every person, sometimes they want their blood-parents, sometimes they dont, and some feel like they belong in neither families.

I'm from new zealand where Open Adoption is compulsory (means you grow up knowing your birth parents and have no restrictions to your access of them i think) i think this is good,

each adoptee will find their place in the world, and their situation will make them strong people,

Are you adopted or been immersed in it?? if so how is it for you?

myst1998

Good grief... not this question again today!!!

Adoption causes more harm than good... so why would anyone with a brain and a compassionate heart support something like that??

I have a reply for Nightstar... you have no idea about the adoption system in New Zealand!! Open adoption is NOT compulsory in NZ, that a load of bollocks and it still operates under an archaic law from 1955 which pretty much steals kids off their mothers. There is no counselling, no revocation period and private adoptions are allowed making it very easy for a mother to be coerced and have her baby taken. It is a cruel system and should be eradicated. I should know afterall. I know that Act inside out.

Heather ~ Not a Perfect Mom ~

You do realize, instead of insulting people, Y!A has this little feature called "search for questions"? This question is asked at least a half a dozen times a day. The only real change is the descriptive word... (bitter, Anti-adoption, ungrateful, etc)

tish_part deux

your experience should not serve as the basis for others to be called "bitter." there are indeed negative experiences with adoption. women have been coerced to give up their babies, lied to about open adoption, told to lie about knowing the father as to expedite the adoption process, children are "priced" based on race, millions of children languish in foster care; yet many adoptive parents only want "newborn babies." furthermore, adoption has become a business based on providing babies for people who can't have babies; and not homes for children who need them.

i'd encourage you to read a bit more, and not default to "people are so bitter!" it's dismissive.

Anha S

Ah the bitter label. I almost had time to miss it. Almost. Personally, I'm done with focusing on what a wonderful woopdie doo thing my aparents did by raising someone else's kids. It was a choice they made because they wanted to parent, why should they be commended, patted on the head, and my feelings ignored for posterity because of that. Its not like I was foisted upon them unwillingly and they begrudgingly raised me, they sought out someone else's kiddo.

You feel your adoption was for your own good, and you are at peace with it. That is absolutely fantastic for you, and yes I'm being serious. Mine was an unnecessary one. I lost out on a first mom who wanted to raise me, she just needed some help. I lost out on being raised with my older sister. I lost my identity, my medical history, my band rights, an elder to teach me my language, my original birth certificate, and my culture. While it may seem counterproductive to focus on the negatives, I don't think I can come to any kind of peace while still ignoring that all those things are there, are real, and are a problem, and not just for me. Adoptees are treated as second class citizens who should be so greatful they weren't aborted or thrown in a dumpster, and I'm sick of it. And I also think that many of the practices like pre birth matching need reform or abolishment all together. If fighting for my own peace and trying to find a way to help in the fight for the rights of adoptees everywhere makes me bitter, so be it I guess.

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

Because adoption should NEVER happen unless there is abuse, neglect, or parental death with no capable guardians

Search the resolved questions, you won't waste 5 points or our time

Possum

Many adoptees that answer here were taken at birth - and many shouldn't have been.
My mother was sent to another state - because she was unwed - by her family - and told to NOT come home with 'that' child. (me)
My parents married 6 months after my birth.
They've had 3 more kids.
They're still married.
There was NO abuse in my family - still isn't.
I was not allowed to talk about my adoption - and my adoptive mother did not want me to search - because it upset her!!
I was not allowed to know those that look like me, act like me, have talents like me. I grew in a house of genetic strangers - it was confusing - it was hard.
Adoptions should only take place if there is a need - not to fulfil a need of people who are infertile.
Too many adoptions in the past - and still to this day - happen when they don't really need to.
I'm all for making sure mothers and babies stay together - if they can. No money problems should ever some into it.
No adoption can guarentee a 'better' life - and no adoptee should EVER be told how they should feel about the life they were given - when they had NO say in any of it.
It's about adult decisions.
I'm glad you're happy with your adoption.
Please don't put down those that have a dislike for their own.
That is their own story to love or hate.

And it might help to understand more if you read some resolved questions here - and google blogs written by adult adoptees.
Non-adopted kids aren't told they have to be grateful for being parented adequately. Nor should adoptees.
Thanks.

H******

Secrecy and lies. Oh and unethical adoption practises.

Focused just fine on my families, both of them.

SLY

Perhaps instead of asking why people are so bitter about adoption, meaning their experience and their educated perceptions, you would be better served asking why are some people so willfully ignorant of the effects that adoption has on many other people. You have bought the Hallmark moment, and I am sure that they have a whole line of cards expressing what heroes the AP's are for taking in all those "unwanted" children. You ask where would some of you be without adoptive parents....my son would be with me, and he would be better than he is and we both know it..

I suggest that you read the Girls Who Went Away, the Primal Wound and some of the other really good books about adoption from the mother's perspective and from the perspective of other adoptees and then see if your outlook changes. Study the EMS/BSE and read about the illegal tactics used to wrench babies from their mothers, for profits.

SJM

â€œIt takes a lot for someone to take a child into their home that isn't technically their flesh and blood.â€

My parents adopted because they couldnâ€™t have children. They paid good money, put their name on a list, and waited their turn for a healthy newborn. My mother never considered abandoning me. My identity was erased and my family was replaced by social workers and the government because society didnâ€™t approve of my mothersâ€™ marital status. Thanks to the efforts of that era, some people today believe that child abandonment for trivial and transient reasons is noble. There is nothing noble about abandoning children. Nothing. It is always a tragedy, and it should never be glorified. It should always be reserved for cases where it is the ONLY good option.

å°é»ƒ

I don't like that mother & child are separated.

"It takes a lot for someone to take a child into their home that isn't technically their flesh and blood. Shouldn't they be focusing more on that than on the two people who decided raising a kid wasn't for them?"

Sigh. Yet *another* person telling adoptees how to feel. No one MAKES people adopt - they do it because they want to. No one FORCES them to adopt, it is their own conscious choice.

If you have a comeback to that, I'd like to see it, because seriously, the adoptive parents have MORE choice than MOST. How so?

They CHOSE to adopt, which is a LOT more choice than anyone else in the triad.

Lori A

First thing in the morning. <sigh>

Just because some fight for adoptee rights to have access to their original birth certificate, family history, ancestry, and civil rights does not mean they are bitter or angry with their parents. It means they are angry with a system that keeps them locked away like a dirty little secret.

You tell me why it is unacceptable for a 30,40,50 year old person to not have access to their information the same as every other citizen?

Why adoptee's offspring are subject to the same lack of information because their parent was adopted?

Why entire cultures, ancestries, and medical histories are wiped out for some people because their great great great grand what ever was born out of wedlock?

I'm a first mother, my daughter was raised by some wonderful people, I have met them recently, that does not change the fact that my daughter is denied her original birth certificate. It does not change that she just last year found out that she is part of an Indian tribe from Canada.

You got an ammended birth certificate? try leaving the country. Compliments of home land security since 911.

Try thinking it through. This is not about who had a good adoption and who had a bad one, it is about equal rights under the law.

Have you gone to the court house to get your information? if so did it not bother you that some 18 year old behind the counter told you to your face that you are not responsible enough to have that information?

Why are you so accepting of this? because someone told you to be? because that's just the way it is? because you love your parents who raised you and you don't want to hurt them?

What ever your reasoning for going along with this behavior is totally up to you. But I will tell you this, you are doing nothing for those who come behind you in the land of adoption. Those who speak out do it for those who haven't even been born yet and will end up with the same ignorant stigma attached to their life as those who came before them.

What is the purpose of those rules? You have met your first parents, how fortunate for you. You see it as no big deal I presume? Others would love to have that chance. It is a big deal to them, and their children, and their children's children.

It had nothing to do with how much they loved their adoptive parents, it has to do with an industry that is keeping their dirty little practices a secret as long as they can. It is about the price of a child costing as much as a small home. It is about children being sold right out from under the parents noses.

Adoption will always be necessary. It is not necessary to manufacture children for those who desire one, it is not acceptable that children are stolen to be sold to someone who wants one.

Your adoption probably did not involve you being treated like a commodity. It probably had nothing to do with child trafficking. How would you feel if it had?

ETA: I see by your avitar you have a baby due soon, congratulations. How would you feel if you put your baby in day care and upon your return you found out that your child was sold to some couple thousands of miles away in a different country? Far fetched? think again. Now does this mean that the parents who adopted your child are better parents than you? Would you accept this practice?

Adoptions happen for many different reasons. Some are ligitimate, some are not. Some are ethical, some are not.

Where do you draw the line?

ETA 2: You soooo missed my point on the day care thing. I never said bad parents should be allowed to keep thier kids. By the same token bad adoptive partnes shouldn't be allowed either. It was about International adoption and the FACT that orphanages in some 3rd world countries use them as day care while the parents work, and IT IS illegal, but it happens anyway. We buy them every day.

If you can leave the country then either you have you OBC or you just haven't been hassled yet. Either way, you have more than some in the way of information. Should it end there, just because you have yours? doesn't every adoptee deserve the same as you have and more?

ETA: Independant, I just read a write up in the local paper here about a columnist for that paper who can not go see his dying sister in another country because of this very thing. It does not seem to affect all but has been a problem for some and is becoming increasingly more problematic. I'd like to know why some are allowed and some aren't though.

Carol c

That's your opinion based on your own experience. It's not bitter to openly and intelligently discuss how others have had a different adoption experience.

Some people may be ecstatically happy with their adoption and others bitter but I would guess that most adopted people are somewhere in between. As a first mother, I can tell you that I have every reason to be bitter, but I choose to try to direct that energy into undoing some of the wrongs by helping people search and working to heighten awareness.

Discussing flaws in the way adoption has been practiced with all it's lies and secrecy, does not make someone bitter, btw.

blank stare

My new standard answer:

As an adoptee, I want people to understand that adoption is a very complicated proposition, rife with emotional pitfalls. I have never felt unequivocally happy about my adoption, even while I love my adoptive parents. Why? Because adoption starts with loss. The one person in the whole world who should have loved the child and cared for him or her more than anything in the world either couldn't or wouldn't. That's a loss. That loss needs to be acknowledged by society, and it rarely is.

In most adoptions, when the adoption finalizes, the birth certificate is changed to something that is a lie. Mine says that my (adoptive) mother gave birth to me. But that is simply false. And my original birth certificate is then sealed away forever out of my sight. People on a daily basis tell me that I should be grateful for having parents who loved me, as though I didn't deserve love and care. We even get asked if we would rather have been aborted, as though grieving our loss is somehow impermissible because we could have lost more. Adoptees and their perspectives (please note the plural - I am not saying there is only one perspective from adoptees) are often marginalized. We have little voice in the discussion.

Until society is willing to have an honest discussion about the effects of adoption on children (the ones that adoption is supposed to help), I (and many others) will speak out about it, and will be called "bitter," "fringe," and worse.

Kerry K

An adopted child may feel abandoned by their birth parents and wonder why they were given up for adoption, they also may have been adopted into a family where they were abused or not loved as much as the parents natural children (if there are any).

Not all adoptions are the fairytale we would like them to be

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