Why do adopted children feel its so important to find their biological parents?

yeâ™Šow

While I agree with you on the point about no one gets to chose their parents anyway...

I think that it can be really difficult on adoptive kids because they are curious/wondering a lot about what their real parents are like. It can eat away at them, especially in a closed adoption.

Thankfully, now that there are more "open" adoptions.. when open adoption works right, it tends to heal some of those wounds and there is less of that curiosity because the b-mom/dad is either able to answer those questions quite easily or the bmom/dad becomes like a distant relative, so either way there is still that contact and it's not a tightly locked door.

I think since I'm not adopted myself, I can't really say how difficult or not it is, but I don't think they should blame ALL their problems on adoption, because that's not really healthy either.

My friend was adopted and she was curious about her mom too and they met. It's not like she was expecting her b-mom to become a second mom or to have another family or a different life. I think most adoptive children want to meet just to answer the unknown questions, rather than to have a close relationship. (Of course some do end up fairly close).

I think it's wrong to call them silly for wanting to do that. I know if I was adopted, I'd want to know stuff about them too, just to KNOW.

Not knowing is really difficult.

Anyway.. I think it can't really be said black or white. Every adoptee has their own wishes and it's rather a spectrum of different answers to your question.

Rachelle

adoptees in ur oppinioun have a victim mentality this is NASTY u dont have any idea whats happened in any of our lives.

you ask the question why we want to know who our bio parents are

1. because we want to know where we come from
2. to find out about family history ie illnesses
3. to move on and finish a chapter that has left us wondering why
4. alot of us just want to know why did you not want me

that is just some of the reasons i dont agree with what some of the people on this sight that say that birthparents are not to blame when they are but what annoys me more is when people like u come on to this adoption sight noing nothing about adoption and make ur atterly rude and unnesersary comments on our lives it is perthetic.

my personal reason for meeting my birth mother was to ask her what sort of mother watches and lets her boyfriend rape and a child over and over again and why she never did anything to stop him and then why does she turn around and say that she loves me.
DO NOT SIT THERE AND SAY THAT WE HAVE A VICTIM MANTALITY THAT IS JUST A LOUD OF BULL ****

TROLL

P Booo

Someone I know was adopted and she wanted to seek her bio parents because she wanted to ask why she gave her up. They only ever had this one meeting as they don't get on.

Sunny

"ANYONE can do that."

Really? You try to find someone to have a baby for you, and I'll find someone to take care of my kids--I could accomplish my task a heck of a lot quicker than you could.

Also, why shouldn't I find my parents? Why was it necessary for me to be estranged from them to begin with? So my adoptive parents could pretend that they were my only parents? I had parents and a family before my adoptive parents came on the scene, and I always WILL. A forged birth certificate doesn't change a live birth.

Besides, I spend 18 years being my aparents "child". Isn't that enough? They couldn't have children and I provided them with that experience. Do I owe THEM something, or do they owe ME?

I am a human being, not an indentured servant or slave.

momo's got some nice looking cupcakes

What's wrong with wanting to meet your first family?

Awww and poor you, you havae mean parents :( Aww, maybe someone will adopt you boo hoo

Jordan

I did not feel the need to search out my birth parents. Adoption is part of who I am but meeting the DNA part of myself was not important to me. I met my birth parents because they sought me out. It was important for my birth mother to know I was okay and hear and see it for herself. I am a minority on this site but I don't think biology makes a parent. I have not ill will towards my birth parents and neither do my parents. Some feel the need to meet their birth parents and some don't.

Î¹ndÏ…Ñ•Ñ‚rÎ¹al Ñ•leep

You are talking about a really personal subject here. Remember that next time before you go saying anything.

Yes I was abused by my family and I think that I would have been better off somewhere else, but on the other hand I also had a baby which I was pressured into giving up. If that wasn't the case I would have looked after him to my full potential. It would break my heart to think that he had no interest in finding me when he grows up.

I still love my son and carry him in my heart. I created him and wanted to raise him. That is what makes me special.

a chick

No, not anyone can give you the DNA that you have.

Carol c

Because intelligent people do not live comfortably with mystery in their lives.

That's not a victim complex..

Personally, I think it's a silly waste of time for someone who knows nothing about what it's like to be adopted, spending time on Y!A telling people that the way they choose to live their lives is ridiculous.
Just because you don't like your parents, you don't have the right to be critical of others who don't even know who their parents are.

Matt

I could sit here and go on and on about this, But at the end of the day, If your not an adoptee, You will never understand how it feels not knowing who you are or where you came from.....
So many times here I hear the same thing from people..." Your adoptive parents are your real parents, There the ones that adopted you....etc..."
Just because a couple decides to adopt a child, That does not mean they are your real parents, Nor does it mean they know how to be parents!
I am not trying to bash all of the adoptive parents out there, Its just that so many times adoptees hear the same thing..... " How dare you search for your bio parents, We are the ones that took you in...... Where would you be without us....... You should be grateful.... I cant tell you how sick I am of hearing that.....
So many times adoptees put on a happy face and a fake smile and pretend life is grand, Just so they wont ( rock the boat) so to speak..... The last thing they want is to cause conflict....
In doing this, The adoptee does not have a life of their own, The adoptee is to busy trying to please the adoptive parents.... The adoptee was already abandoned once in their life and they are afraid if they don't please the adoptive parents they will abandoned again.... I cant put in to words how that feels living like that......
Once the adoptee gets older and is able to support them selves, That is when they come to terms with the life they were forced to live, And usually that is when all of the pain and anger comes out.....
That with the fact that they were separated from their bio family is what makes a angry adoptee...
Why is it so hard for people to understand this...... If you were forced to have a life like that , Would you be happy?
Granted, There are some happy adoptees out there, That claim they love their lives and are happy that they were adopted.... Good for them, But that doesn't mean " all" adoptees feel the same way... Some of us had it much worse....
Like I said, Unless you have experienced it first hand, You will never understand how it feels.....
I hope this answers some of your questions......

Love Few, Hate Many, Trust No One...

Everyone has the right to know where they come from.

Anyone can give birth, but one person did. That makes all the difference. If someone wants to have a relationship with the person that brought them into this world, from whom they inherited much of who they are, why is that so hard to understand?

Perhaps you have bought into the idea that who we are is all nurture and not nature. But we are a product of both nurture and nature.

Non-adopted people also get a sense of meaning from knowing about the history of their family.

It is not necessary to cut everything else out of your heart in order to prove your love or your loyalty to your adoptive parents.

I'm an adoptive parent, and it makes me angry that anyone would say something like this to my children.

EDIT: I forgot for a minute that you have been raised by people who you say shouldn't have raised children. If you were abused, I'm sorry.

I guess you are comparing your life to the life you think you might have had if you had been adopted, and so it's hard for you to imagine how someone who didn't have the childhood you did could have anything to complain about. But I don't think it's productive to try to compare one person's suffering with another's. There is plenty of suffering in this old world to go around.

I guess if your parents were abusive, you feel a need to define yourself as very different from them and so you want to minimize the part of you that comes from them. But you don't have to minimize the pain an adoptee suffers to do that. You can define yourself however you choose - if others choose to acknowledge their connection to their parents that doesn't mean you can't look at your own situation differently. We all have to find our own meaning and tell our own stories. I hope you will find healing from your childhood.

tish_part deux

"I was born to parents that decided to keep me that really SHOULD NOT HAVE."

perhaps this is way you don't understand. might i suggest speaking with a counselor to work through some of your issues?

Annie

I am the result of both nature (genetics) and nurture. Both are vital to understanding who I am.

Yes, my parents loved me and took care of me and I am connected to them, my grandparents, and their living family that I have met. However, when grandma starts talking genealogy... I have to force myself to show attention. the ancestry and family history doesn't apply to me. I don't look like my family. I don't know if I am Irish or English or Scottish or Welsh or ...

So I met my birth family. I look like my bio mom, I share interests with her and my aunts. I have my father's eyes, and the genealogy research that bio grandfather has done applies to me.

It is difficult to comprehend without experiencing it. Some adoptees are victims, some feel like victims, but wanting to know your bio family is not playing the victim card.

Ashla

because they need to know where they come from to gain a better sense of self. To see who they look like, what their birth parents are like. It is part of their identity, regardless to who loves them most.

LinnyG

Why do adopted children feel its so important to find their biological parents?
Because we are adopted.

I never understood this.
You're not adopted.

Your parents are the ones who loved you, adopted you and took care of you.
Yup. But we also have 2 other parents who love us. We are part of them, as they are us. They are no less real than our adopted parents.

All biological parents did was accidentally pass down their blood.
And personality. And everything about us that makes us who we are, that adoption cannot change. DNA is very powerful.

I don't understand why people think that blood makes these bio parents so special. ANYONE can do that.
Umm, no they cannot. Thats why most of us are adopted. My first parents are just as special as my adoptive parents. When we were placed with our adoptive parents, they were complete and total strangers, yet we grew to love them. It makes no sense not to love our first parents, as they are a part of us.

Sorry you have bought into the myth of adoption. MOST adoptees have the capacity to love ALL FOUR OF THEIR REAL PARENTS. Im sorry you do not have the capacity to understand love.

ETA for op:

"Some adoptees seem to have a victim complex as if they were forced to have a particular life. That's ridiculous."

Ummm...we WERE, lol. We were placed with strangers, and sometimes, by force.

"No one gets to choose the parents they have. Adoptees are no more forced to live a life than any other child who gets born to parents they didn't choose."

People are supposed to be raised by the parents who created them. When that cannot happen, in steps adoption- the child is then FORCED to live with strangers. It is not their choice. Even in cases of abuse- the child did not choose that. If they COULD choose, they would choose to live with their natural parents, abuse free.

"It's a victim mentality is what it is. I'm not saying its wrong to look for your bio parents... I just think its a silly waste of time for anyone to want to meet them so badly as if they're so special."
Why is wanting to know and love our first family a "victim mentality"? I was taught to love everyone. Why would I choose to NOT love MY people? Your question shows just how misinformed society is when it comes to adoption. If the fact that I choose to love BOTH of my families and fight for the rights of ALL adoptees and take the fraud and coercion out of adoption means Im a victim, slap a red "V" on my chest.

LittleMarcia456

"Your parents are the ones who loved you, adopted you and took care of you."
So just because someone loves you, you can't find out where you came from? Twisted logic you got there.

"All biological parents did was accidentally pass down their blood. I don't understand why people think that blood makes these bio parents so special."
Wouldn't you want to find the people who gave you life? Unless someone is adopted from foster care and was abused or their parents died, you can't really blame them for being curious.

lisa K

There may be a part missing in there lives that they may want to find! Or maybe the adopted child wants to meet their biological parents to ask why they were put up for adoption! There must be millions of reasons!
Hope this helped!

drkangel210e

Look. Let's keep this simple. I'm not going to sit here and tell you how to feel about your parents and your life. Not every set of bio-parents is like those who raised you. Some were guilty of only one thing: being poor.

Adoption does sometimes cause emotional problems. I'm not trying to play a victim here. I would much rather spend time thinking about things other than my adoption induced issues. I don't talk about them with anyone in the real world other than my husband. I don't get kickbacks, money, or even sympathy for What's in it for me, assuming I'm faking problems to get attention?

Pip

I'm not adopted, my son was so I'll answer the best I can. My son had a strong desire to know loads of things including who he looked like, he wanted medical information which his adoptive parents couldn't give him as they don't know his natural family medical information and what if any interests we shared. Yes his adoptive parents love him and raised him but to state natural parents accidently pass on blood is stupid. I didn't plan to fall pregnant but I wanted to raise him and I loved my son from the moment I knew I was pregnant.

As you're not an adoptee you don't understand why adoptees feel the way they do so have no business telling them how they should feel. Actually you would get on with my mother who feels my son treated his adoptive parents badly for daring to want to find me or have a relationship with me. She feels that they are his only parents and inconsequential that I'm the one who went through pregnancy, childbirth and wanted to raise him.

Melyssa

its just a need to know where they came from and why they were given up. And not all adopted kids want to find their parents. But a lot of times you grow up in a family where you dont look like the other people and you just want to know what your biological parents or siblings etc look like etc

Sophie and Jacob's mummy

Cos everyone has a right to know where they came from. They may need to see if there are any inherited diseases in the family that may make having a family a problem, or it may just be out of curiosity, or they may want to find out why they were given up for adoption.

Ultimately some adoptees will look, others won't. It's entirely up to that person.

Linda

Are you an adoptee? Who are you to tell us what to want and think and feel? Of course people want to meet their natural family, it's part of who we are. And for the record not every adoptee has a happy time with their adoptive family.

You don't understand how it feels because you CAN'T. But unless you're socially inept and cannot empathise with anyone, I don't see how you find it so difficult to understand why people would want to find their mother and father. Isn't it obvious? Because we miss them, we want to see where we came from, we want to know that biological link.

ETA: It's not a 'silly waste of time', I have a wonderful relationship with both my adoptive and natural families. This question is a silly waste of time. Thanks for imparting your ignorant and invalid point of view.

Torrejon

If you woke up tomorrow morning with total amnesia, would you care about finding your former life or would you just walk away and say "Oh, that's over and doesn't matter any more"? That is what you are suggesting that adoptees do...walk away from a part of their lives.

Frankly, I believe that I have four parents. They're all real. They all play an important part in my life.

zzzzz78759

I wasn't adopted but I did adopt my daughter.

I completely understand why children would want to find their birth parents/families. Those of us who are biologically related to our parents know exactly where we came from. We know who our grandparents/great grandparents/cousins/etc. are and that we all came from the same place. We know that cousin Sue looks just like Grandma X but brother Bill looks like Grandpa Y. We know that Uncle Z died of heart disease so we need to take care of ourselves. We know Aunt Q had breast cancer so we get tested and make sure we're screened regularly. We have relatives who were heroes or deserters in all the great wars. We have a long history.

Children who were adopted, while loved and raised by parents who loved them, may have a need to search for that history. Look at all the people who are really into genealogy. It's all about history.

There are just as many people who couldn't give two whits for genealogy and just as many adopted children who have no need to find their birth families.

I have no problem with my daughter searching for her birth mother, if she ever chooses to do so. In fact, I have already started looking to make it easier. I also want to make sure that it won't be painful for her. She's very proud of her heritage and we study the country of her birth in depth.

Unfortunately, not all birth mothers are that happy, carefree, young girl who was forced to "give up" her baby and regrets it every day. She may not have loved that baby at all. She may not have cared.

I would never say anything negative to my daughter about her birth mother but I will not allow her to be hurt by her birth mother, either. I try to be very respectful of her.

Each year on my daughter's birthday we take a private moment together and have a special small cake for her birth mother with one candle. My daughter picks out the cake and decorates it. This year she baked it (with help from me, of course). We make a wish that her birth mother is healthy, happy, safe, and loved. We thank her for our family. Then we blow out the candle together to send the wish out into the world.

Monty

My adoptive child has chosen her bio family over ours and it hurts. I thought I would be able to cope but I am not coping at all.

tash

I was thinking about adoupting to provide a safe happpy life for a child I believe in helping but I've decided I'm not adoupting anyone at all I'm not going to put every child in one boat but my mother adoupted children and she wanted to keep sisters together from the kindness of her heart but the bottom line is some adoupted kids cause chaos and the nicer you are the crazier that act it made me have to constantly remind myself this child is not related to me because this child is jealous of me literally and I'm older than her that's crazy she starts up confusion and dosen;t look at me like her real sister it sickens me she's met her birth mother and honestly in this case I'm looking forward to her going back to her birth mother cause she don't appreciate antthing no way

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