Why do birthmothers refer to the child they ditched as "their" child?

I love Adoption

IDK that would really bother me if my birth mother called me that or if our future birthmother called our baby that

MeerKat

I agtree with your question, and understand where you are coming from. there is a myth out there about adoption, that it is bad for the child, and this myth is purputrated by the birth mother cry me a river industry. Not all birth mothers are the same. And thank god, they never raised the child, they would have messed it up. My b mother (egg donor) told me she regretted not having an abortion, and still wanted a relationship WTF?

7rin

LOL. So all the research demonstrating these bonds're entirely false then?

Yeah, go do some reading, and come back when you've learned some stuff.

*25 weeks pregnant... :)**

a scientific fact? you are an idiot and clearly have mental problems..

a woman who gives up her baby for adoption is not weak. (well not in all cases) usually she is STRONG and knows she cannot care properly for her child and is strong enough to give that baby to someone who she knows can raise it right.. you think a birth mother just hands her kid off and goes and parties after? I think it takes a strong strong woman to give her child to someone who can give it what she cant. of course there are some instances where a woman just gives her kid away and might never think of the baby again..

Waiting to reunite with my son

Wow...I'm not even going to try to respond to this in a polite manner. All I will say is IGNORANCE IS BLISS!!!

I was raped and got pregnant. I chose life...a life God chose me to carry. I chose adoption because he deserved to be able to live. He didn't ask to be conceived in that way.

What a total ignorant and ridiculous question. Just truely UNBELIEVABLE!!

You will be reported! But, thanks for the 2 points.

yeâ™Šow

Actually, bonding does takes place inside the womb and immediately after. The baby knows the mother's smell, voice, etc. Scientifically, that is proven. Not to mention all the psychological attachment studies that have been done.

Anyway... even if you as the adopted child have no feelings toward your birthmom, she will always feel bonded to you (unless she's on drugs, alcohol, etc... then that can be affected) and will ALWAYS remember you, even if she gave you up. Of course, I will always call the daughter I'm placing my daughter. Because she is.

But I also know that as a part of adoption that I'm having to give up being that mother for the rest of her life. I will only get two days with her and then she will have a different family. One that I've chosen and that I know will become her real family. I can't go back and play mommy later, nor would I ever want to break their bond with each other. Because that's the whole point.

But I think it's unfair to say that they are "dead beats" simply because they "got knocked up". I didn't use proper protection ONCE and I got pregnant. My ex wouldn't marry me because his parents would take away all his money and he basically left me to make up all the decisions. My dad is abusive and my child would have to live at home with my parents in order for me to keep her. I don't want her to grow up in that environment.

It's not so simple. It's the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life. There are days were I simply go to the bathroom and sob and wish I could keep her, all while knowing that it would be MORE selfish and damaging to put her through what I grew up with.

Just wait until you have your own kids, maybe you will see it in a different light. Maybe not.

Either way, being so intolerant isn't going to make you a happier person. Don't judge unless you've been in their shoes. Sounds like you had a good life with your new parents.. don't you realize that without your birthmom's sacrifice your whole life would be different... you might not even exist right now if she had aborted you.

Try and think about it from someone elses perspective. I know it's difficult.. but at least try to be a little sensitive about it. Maybe there are some underlying issues you have with your adoption that you aren't ready to face yet and that's fine. Things take time, but eventually you should look into therapy or something. It's not good to carry around anger and bitterness. It will only destroy you in the end. It only hurts you. :

Arianna

Well, that's a new twist. I never thought of it like that before. Maybe I shouldn't refer to my daughter as "our" child when I talk about her birth mother. But I guess it depends on the case. My daughter's birth mother is from all accounts very responsible. The officials here (in the Czech Republic) where we and she live are not friendly to birth parents at all, especially non-white birth parents. And still even the officials told me that they thought she was responsible. She is apparently a feisty woman, like you and I, because she lobbied them hard to make sure her child got out of the orphanage and into a family as quickly as possible. She didn't neglect her child or leave her on the street. She made sure she was well taken care of. She originally wanted to keep her, although I think it was an unplanned pregnancy, but there were several hard things that happened and she decided she had to find her child another family. I hope my daughter doesn't resent how I phrase that when she grows up. Maybe I'll ask her when she's older..

Kari

We do that because they are our children. My daughter will always be biologically my daughter even if she isn't legally. Her adoptive parents are fine with me calling her my daughter, and they even say "guess what your daughter did..!" when she's done something naughty.
I'm sorry you have such negative feelings towards the woman who loved you enough to give you a better life than the one she could have provided. Why do you think she's weak?? You have no idea how much strength it takes to do what's best for our children when that means letting them go.
Oh, on a side note, it may annoy you to hear us acknowledge our children, but it hurts us and makes us incredibly angry when people suggest we've "ditched" our children. We have done no such thing and I suggest you educate yourself about adoption and what birthmothers really go through and think about what you say before making such a hurtful generalization.

michelle.

we do not "ditch" our babies ok. we do this out of love and selflessness. you have no idea what it takes to give a child up for adoption. it is the hardest thing a woman can do for her baby. did you ever think that we do this because we dont have the things we need to give our baby the life they deserve? and clearly you have never been pregnant and have a lot of growing up to do if you think there is no emotional bond between a mother and baby while its in the womb. you seriously need major help if this is the way you feel. this was very disturbing for me to read and im so sorry you feel this way. oh and one more thing birth mothers are NOT weak. they are a lot stonger then you.

Matt

For someone that is so happy that they were adopted, You sure have alot of anger in you.....
You have the right to feel any way you want, But you need to realize that not all adoptees were put up for adoption because their bio mom didn't want them , And not all adoptions are good ones.....
So your adoptive parents raised you and wiped your tears and loved you huh...... That's good...
Some of us were not that lucky...... Some of us are worse off being adopted....
Let me ask you this...... What if your adoptive parents didn't do all those things for you..... What if you were thrown out in the street at 16 yrs old by your adoptive parents and you were forced to take care of yourself with no help from anyone....... You had to provide your own roof over your head and your own food...... Would you still be sitting here saying how great being adopted is.........
Granted, You didn't have to live a life like that, I did!
I think its cool that you have a good life and you are in love with your adoptive parents, But don't think all adoptees have had the same kind of life as you...... For some of us, Adoption is the worse thing that could of happened to us, Nothing good came from it..... It has only taught us not to trust people and what pain, agony and hate really means.....
The only problem with your statement is that its one sided...... You need to open your eyes and see that you are one of the few lucky ones ....... The rest of us are in hell.......
Adoptive Parents can be dead beats to.............

Love Few, Hate Many, Trust No One...

Pilotsgirl

I was adopted too and the reason my mom gave me up is because she knew she couldn't give me the life she wanted me to have. A lot of times when a mom gives up a baby it is a very hard and emotional thing to do, but they do it because they love that child so much that they want it to have the best life they could have. I know that is not always the case, but it has been in most of the cases I have come across. What if your birth mother had kept you? How do you think your life would be. You most likely would have grown up with your birth mom working long hours to support you and you would have done most of your growing in the care of a nanny or in a daycare. And about there being no "bond" You can state all the scientific facts you want, but for as long as I can remember I have known I was adopted and loved and respected my birth mom for her choice. I have also loved and respected my parents for having the guts to go through the adoption process and taking me in as their daughter and loving me. I consider them my real parents, but, I still consider my birthmother a mom to me because she gave me the gift of life and gave me the opportunity to have a mother and a father that could give me more opportunities to grow and succeed than she could have. She could have aborted me or kept me and taken away those opportunites but she didn't.

Now about the "bond" there may not necessarily be your definition of a bond, but most mothers love their babies in and out of the womb. That is enough to make a woman call her the baby she gave up a son or daughter. I would be careful saying bad things about your birth mother. She put you in front of her own wants and needs and that is what a true mother would do. My Birth Mother is a strong, brave, selfless woman and I would be proud to be called her daughter.

Berrie

You can be somebody's son or daughter without being their child. Lets face it, shes still your biological mother. And a biological mother, is, well, a mother.

I won't disagree, you are not her child anymore. Your still her daughter, and you are still her offspring. But your not really her own anymore since she doesn't have legal rights to you.

Im glad you love your adoptive parents, but stop lying to yourself. Your mother still shares DNA with you.

Andraya - Snark's Sister

I call MY son MY son because he is. End of discussion.

As for your theory that in utero bonding doesn't exist... Bonding does require two people, those two people are the mother and fetus, or do you not consider the fetus able to bond? Here is some reading that will surely clarify in utero bonding for you.

Pre-Birth Bonding
Bonding begins in utero. Research and observation have demonstrated the significance of the in utero experience. This is truly the dawn of attachment, the stage in which the baby-to-be and the parents begin the process of connecting. Pre- and perinatal psychologists, using modern clinical tools such as electronic fetal monitors and ultrasound, have proven that the unborn baby has well-developed senses and reacts to stimuli from mother and the external environment. Biochemical and emotional communication between parents (especially mother) and the fetus has significant impact on future development and health.

Every sensory system of the fetus is capable of functioning prior to birth; the unborn baby is keenly aware of his or her environment and reacts to changes in that environment. By the 5th month, the fetus can recognize the motherâ€™s voice and even shows a preference for different types of music--for instance, becoming more relaxed when listening to Vivaldi, and more agitated when exposed to Beethoven or loud rock music.

The fetus decodes maternal emotions through a neurohormonal dialogue. When a pregnant woman becomes fearful or anxious, stress hormones are broadcast throughout the entire mind/body system of both the mother and unborn child. Severe and chronic maternal stress is associated with prematurity, low birth weight, and infants who are hyperaroused and colicky.

H******

Speak for yourself.

Some of us were stolen from our mothers

Personally, I have TWO mothers who are both strong and beautiful women and I'm happy my own kids have full knowledge of their genetic heritage too.

Sorry you only like one of your mothers

Some Chick

I respect the fact you have strong opinions, and I respect the level of high esteem and love you hold for your adoptive parents. However, the fact that you personally have negative feelings towards your birth Mom should not be held against all other birth Mothers who gave their child up for whatever reason.

Robin W

I don't know where you got your "facts" but the scientific community begs to differ and so do I. I am my children's MOTHER and they are mine, including the two taken from me by coercion for adoption in the early 60's. WEAK??? I had to be made of iron to have survived that. Your anger is covering up hurt feelings that your mother didn't "fight to keep you" or some such other misconception. So your adopter is a hero and your mother is a wimp, huh? It must be nice to be able to judge people like that. One of these days you are going to eat your words. If it irritates you...you have issues.

i think your being really quite shallow, here may be many reasons birthmothers give up their children, and i agree that the ones who simply do it because they cant be bothered to look after the responsibility are bad people. BUT there are many reasons people do this some mothers do it because they cant give the child the life the child deserves and therfore gives that child away out of love to enable that child a better life, and thats one of the hardest things in the world imaginable dont u agree? And with your opinion of the 'rape' issue i totally disagree, to have an abortion because someone was raped is their choice, but it is NOT that childs fault and that child deserves a life, and the birthmothers who mange to carry that child to term and give it to a family who have been longing for a child, must be one of the strongest people in the world. But thats my oppinion.
Maybe you should be a little more open minded.

Annabella

What are we supposed to call them? And I'm not going to 'ditch" my child. I'm placing it for adoption for it's own sake. Thanks for being so damn judgmental, you should be right at home here it seems.

mapleleaf2

So, would you instead like to be called a "product of conception" or "birth product," instead of her son or daughter? How you feel about your own natural mother is up to you, but I for one did NOT "ditch" my son. He was abducted. I didn't cease being his mother and he is my son and always will be.

Maybe your mother actually wanted to raise you, and do all those things that your adoptive parents did. Maybe they were lucky to have done them and they are the ones who should be grateful to YOU and not the other way around. Maybe they did what your natural mother would have given anything to have been able to do.

kate

Just because you believe your birthmother is weak doesn't give you the right to judge ALL birthmothers as weak. Have you had children yourself? You can't know that there is no emotional bond between mother and child while the mother is pregnant until you have done it yourself.

You may be a strong, opinionated woman, but you are also extremely shallow and judgemental.

Aislin

Hee hee your "scientific facts" are funny. They say my son or my daughter because it is a fact. No piece of paper can change that fact. No pissy woman claiming to be strong can change it either. If you are sooooooooooo strong then why are you bothered by something strangers write on a forum? Does it really have anything to do with you? If you are this threatened by the truth of strangers I guess you didn't get all that non genetic strength you claim. Thanks for making me giggle about your total lack of understanding about prenatal bonds though. It was the highlight of my day. I am guess you didn't major in science.

extdawg

I really suggest you seek counseling. You obviously have some serious emotions about being adopted. As an adoptee myself I had similar feelings. It was alot of rustration at not feeling like I fit in or was different.

You can't make blanket statements like that nor understand what chain of events lead that woman to give up a child for adoption unless you walked the same road.

Be glad your birth mother loved you enough to have the strength to give you away and the fact you have such wonderful adoptive parents

drkangel210e

Basically, a woman bonds with her child on a deep emotional level when she's pregnant with them. We live in a society that doesn't really help women keep their babies, even if they love them dearly. Instead, we push them to give the child up for adoption. They are told that, if they truly love their child, they will abandon them.

I can relate to what you're saying. I was adopted as an infant and I feel the same way you do some days. I also became a mother this year. When that happened, I understood better what my adoptive mother and first mother must have experienced. It's not simple, even though it may feel simple.

I'm glad you love your a-mom and a-dad, but someday you'll probably have to deal with the fact that you have a past before you met them. If you ignore this past, it will come back to bite you emotionally.

Jane Smith

Because they ARE our sons and daughters. That's why. Most of us were forced or coerced into adoption..it was not a choice...maybe you should learn about the experience of your mother before you decide you want to kill her...there is no emotional bond with a baby and mother? Are you kidding? Check the facts dear and just wait until you have a baby, then you will know. Your Amother doesn't know what it is like, so cannot even tell you.

Bethany

Some of the women who refer to their child as "theirs" were coerced into surrendering. Many were flat out lied to so a rich, infertile couple could have a baby. Imagine you're 16 and everyone tells you that you can't take care of a baby, you won't be a good mother. Then they tell you these two rich people will make better parents than you. They have money, a house, maybe even a dog. Oh, and of course, if you give them your baby, it will complete their family *throws up*. If no one is telling you otherwise, there's a good chance you'll think surrendering is the best thing to do. It takes more willpower and strength than many women possess to go against everything that everyone is telling them. Maybe those "weak" mothers just need one person to step in and say, you can do this.

Like it or not, you have two mothers and two fathers. Like it or not your genetics come from a mother and father you've never met. It's your right to prefer one set over another but you can't deny your genes.

Also, there is scientific evidence supporting that bonding does happen while the baby is in the womb. In fact, there is a wealth of evidence that suggests that removing an infant from his/her mother does lasting psychological trauma, regardless of how great the adoptive family is. Clearly, you have never been pregnant or you'd never suggest that no bonding happens.

Pip

I am a mother not a birth mother, I refer to my son because he is (he has two mother), I didn't ditch but thanks for the assumption but I never agreed to him being adopted yet it still happened because I was lied to. I also earned the right to be called mum post reunion as he lived with us for two and a half years. No doubt you're one of these people who believes he shouldn't call me mum because I didn't raise him.

peeples1983

Okay my issue is with the statement "There is no emotional bond to a baby while it is in you, a bond requires two people. Babies do not love you while in the womb, or once out. There is a need relationship, baby has need, you meet it. This is scientific fact." Please look up the definition of human bonding. On Wikipedia it states "Human bonding is the process of development of a close, interpersonal relationship It most commonly takes place between family members or friends,[1] but can also develop among groups such as sporting teams and whenever people spend time together. Bonding is a mutual, interactive process, and is not the same as simple liking." Are you aware that babies in the womb respond to their mothers voices or to their mother rubbing their stomach? Also babies already know their mothers smell and voices when they are born. Bonding is possible between a baby in the womb and their mother. As for Birth mothers referring to a child they have given up as "their child" I disagree with that. It is no longer your child once you have given that child another home.

Ricky's Mommy- CNA

If you think there is no emotional attachment that occurs when you are pregnant, you have never been pregnant. And I can tell you, that when my son was born, I looked into his eyes, and there was love there... whether you want to believe it or not.

I am so glad that you have such wonderful adoptive parents, but do you know why your birth mother gave you up for adoption? I don't know... but is it possible that She might have loved you enough to give you a life that she couldn't provide for you? That is why my birth mother let my Grandparents adopt me when I was 2 weeks old... because she knew that she could not provide me with a safe, stable life, and That is what most birth mothers have in mind when they give their child up for adoption. Not all birth mothers just "abandon" their children. My birth mother still calls me her daughter, even though she is not the one who raised me, and had little to do with my life. I was told when I was 5 that my grandmother was not my "real" mother... however, in all ways but biologically, my Grandmother IS my mother... but I would never be mad at my birth mother for calling me hers... she gave me life, and loved me enough to make sure that I was going to be cared for and loved the way that I should, the way that she couldn't. I have no bad feelings towards her, because I know that I was not abandoned, I was given to loving people who cared for me, and gave me a wonderful life.

LinnyG

Wow. Relinquishing a child to adoption, whether voluntary or involuntary, will never erase the fact that a woman is that child's Mother. You cannot erase DNA.

Every adoptee has 4 REAL parents- if they did not, 2 would not exist. They may have different roles in the adoptees lives, but they all exist- even if one set is "somewhere out there".

It never ceases to amaze me when so called "happy" adoptees tell everyone how happy they are and then slam others because they acknowledge their first parents and recognize the damage adoption causes to human beings. Yes, we gained new families, but we had to go through tremendous losses to gain that new family...and in MOST newborn adoption cases, the first family only needed support.

No offense to your adoptive Mother, but she wanted a baby. She got one. Of course she will "keep" you forever. But do not speak for all first Mothers, even your own, until you hear the truth from her. MOST of our Mothers would have "kept us forever" if they could have. You sound so angry and sad.

It seems like you have bought into societal brainwashing, and for that, Im sorry. You clearly have never had a child of your own, or you would realize just how strong the emotional, physical, spiritual and genetic bond betweeen a newborn and their natural Mother is- THAT is scientific fact.

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