Why is everyone so rude about International adoption?

LoveMyLife

I'm not sure why people feel that way, but I think what you did is wonderful. And your girls are lucky to have you. Giving a child a happy life no matter what country their from is a amazing gift. I want to adopt a baby from Russia someday!

Coolmama

I think that most people who judge wonder why someone would not adopt from the U S and help the children without families in our own country before spending tons of money on travel expenses to go half way around the world to get a baby. I have also heard many people talk of international adoption as a type of status symbol. There is a girl I know who wants a girl and said " I am looking into adopting a China Doll" What? This is a person not a doll.

I am not saying I agree with this I think adopting any child is great no matter where they are from but I do know people who are against it and this is what I have taken from things that they have done/said.

Those are your daughters and I say screw anyone who says anything negative about it!

Tonia

IgNoRaNcE.

shygirl93

I understand you. I don't know why people are so ignorant and rude.

msj0614

I just want to say that it isn't just adoptive parents of international children that get rude comments. We adopted domestically and hear the same thing, like we stole the baby from her mother. I didn't steal anyone. Her mother wanted to place her baby for adoption and chose my husband and I as the parents. We even offered to have a semi-open adoption and send letters and pictures but neither she nor her birthfather wanted them. My daughter was born addicted to drugs and was likely exposed to alcohol because of her but I still don't hate her or call her stupid because she is the reason I have my daughter. Regardless of what she did, she still gave me my daughter.

A lot of birth mothers and even adoptees don't look at adoptive parents very favorably because they have had bad experiences with adoption. It's easy for me to say adoption is all roses because I ended up with a wonderful daughter I could not have on my own, but it is VERY different for the other sides of the triangle.

RPMR

Hold your horses. I admire what you did and I am sure you love your girls very much, but a part of loving them as their mom is to respect their biological family! Don't ever refer to them as stupid. That will harm your girls. You need to respect their history, their past... Now with that out of the way...
I am so sorry that you will get a lot of rude and thoughtless answers. People here are very harsh and not mindful to other people's feelings. With that out of the way also...
Don't let these people get to you. You what you did; you know it was right; and you, only you, know how deeply you love your girls. May God bless you and your family!

Faithful_tab

Whoever gave you bad comments before about you adopting your two children from China are probably people who are against bringing other "foreigners" or those who feel that the kids were stolen and they would only feel that way if they were ignorant to the facts. Alot of peole dont understand that in China there are so many children waiting for parents because in China there is a declaration that you can only have 1 child per family in some part or you can only have 2 at the most but if they are girls they are rejected because it is looked upon as good only when you have boys.
So these children that are girls or those who have more than 2 kids...they are thrown away, rejected, given to the orphanage and abandoned. Adopting them is saving their lives and giving them a chance at life and a family.
Adopting the children of your choice is a beautiful thing. Congrats on your family!
Feeding into peoples negative comments...you dont need to do that, you are way smarter than that. People like to say things to make others upset and get a rise out of them. Just focus on the good, focus on the blessings God has given you.

Illnevertell43302

Because they are racist, they don't give a damn about other kids because they are from other countries. They would rather give thousands of dollars to kids that will probably never reallly get the money or get to use it much, than to make sure that one or two children get taken into a loving home.

emma

This has been mentioned here already, but it is so important not to call your children's mother any kind of derogatory names. First of all, your children will pick up on your anger and have several reactions: they may begin to hate their first parents which could likely lead to them hating themselves for their own DNA, or they may recognize that by not accepting every part of them (including their biological family), that you do not love them unconditionally--and I'm sure that you do love your daughters and would never want them to feel this way.

I am speaking from experience. Every time I am told what a horrible *person* my alcoholic and abusive father was (as opposed to when we say as a family "How awful that he made choices that destroyed this family" or something about choices and life situations as oppsed to how he "is", I feel terribly ashamed of the ways in which I am like him which makes me resent those comments greatly. I'm just offering it as something to think about.

As parents to International adoptees, I can also say that not all IAs are corrupt or bad, but like domestic adoptions, there are some genuine issues and people who are against International adoption are against the larger issues of trafficking and greed within the system.

I know that we took great precautions in terms of the agency we chose to work with (that runs an orphanage in the community for children that cannot be confirmed as adoptable but that need a place to live), in refusing any kind of private adoption and only working directly with the department of children and families in that country, choosing a country that charged only a minimal fee and did not ask for a large donation to a private party, and finally by choosing a sibling group that included older children.

I think that some people assume that all IA parents are not working to ensure that all adoptions are done ethically, but many IA adoptions are ethical and excellent for all involved. Regardless, many people tell me that I am a terrible person who stole these children. Unfortunately, all that does is make my children feel hurt and upset (particularly because they remember their abusive past vividly and don't understand why strangers believe they should go back to it).

I would also challenge those who believe that the US foster system is welcoming to good parents--as I have mentioned in several answers previous, my husband and I were not welcome because he is the son of two women who have lived in a committed and loving relationship for more than 30 years.

As an IA or prospective IA parent, research carfeully and continue to work to give your child every opportunity to explore all elements of their identity (adopted, biological and cultural), make the best decision that you can make and move forward in your life graciously and kindly. Those people who are against you will remain so, but you can live happily with your family knowing that you made the best decision that you could make.

Marnie B

You're probably a troll because an adoptive parent would never call their child's birth parents stupid.

Just a Mom

I'm with Sunny on this one.

Cambria

"doing what there mother is to stupid to do and that would be taking care of 2 children"

Wow. Just....wow. I feel really sorry for your children for having to grow up with a woman so clearly and openly disrespectful of their biological family. You should thank god that woman was so "stupid" because it gave you a chance to benefit from it. But no, you would rather see yourself as a freaking saint for rescuing these poor children.

Also, it's pretty ridiculous for you to go around calling people stupid when you can't even spell or construct a proper sentence.

ETA: I think my favorite part of this question is that no one attacked you about adopting internationally. You apparently misread 1 person's question and flipped out over it at which point they -did- point out the ethical issues involved in international adoptions. However, they did it in a pretty respectful way. The only one who was rude during that interaction was you.

Independ"ant"

The jigs up.......you've been stripped of your "saint" status.

Its normal when an economy is in a recession for people to start becoming more attune to what is going on...outside their little world. That's why more and more people you meet IRL are looking down upon you. They know you have ignorantly contributed to human rights violations. Get used to it especially when they read articles about kidnapped babies in China (in route to baby brokers) found dead from suffocation in suitcases in the backs of trucks.

Almost all Aps don't know CRAP about the "real" natural parents of foreign children.
All Aps know is what was FED to them by some person make thousands of dollars of the sale of the child/children.

I find it pathetic that you need to put down the natural parents of the achildren to make yourself feel and/or look better.
Obviously you're feeling guilty.

hpfreak080

I understand that you are frustrated but bashing the biological parents definitely doesn't help your case at all. Remember that there are biological (read: first or natural) parents that visit Yahoo! Answers who may be offended by the statement that your daughters' biological mother is "stupid" (i know I would)

Though there are many people who disagree with international adoption, some are totally fine with it while others disagree with adoption in general. Different people have different stances and are free to state their opinions on here (as long as they are not personally attacking someone else).

Also keep in mind that the people here on Yahoo! Answers only represent a fraction of the MANY people involved with adoption (whether it be domestic, international, foster, family adoptions, biological parents, adoptive parents, adoptees, etc.). Yahoo! Answers is in no way indicative of "everyone"

I haven't really given much thought myself to how I feel about international adoption so I will leave that to someone else but I just wanted to point out a few things to you.

Wundt

I am not in favor of foreign adoptions for many reasons...

1 - I feel that foster kids in the USA get a bad reputation, and wish that people would not go overseas when there are so many in need here. I understand that there are kids overseas who also need help, but see my next answer...

2 - People say they are "helping" or "Saving" these kids. Yet, I like to point out that if they sent the $20,000 plus they spent on the adoption to a reputable charity, they would help hundreds, or even thousands, of such children, not just one.

3 - I feel that *some* people adopt overseas for dubious reasons, the most egregious of which is because it is fashionable

4 - Another dubious reason... because there are fewer 'entanglements' with the biological family.

5 - And another... because it is 'faster' and less 'restrictive'. I don't think the speed at which you can adopt should be a driving force. And, IMHO, the adoption process is restrictive for a reason.

I don't condemn anyone or feel they are bad people because they adopted overseas, it is just not something I agree with.

Adopted and searching

Wow, who's the stupid one? Obviously you should watch your mouth, hopefully your not stupid enough to say those things about their REAL
mother in front of them?

Angela R

I am the mother of two little boys who we adopted from S. Korea, so I understand your frustration about people saying we "took" our children from their first mothers. Our children were relinquished long before we entered the picture, we had nothing to do with that decision, and if not adopted these children would grow up in an orphanage, NOT return to there biological families.

However, while I agree with you on that, I must object to your comment "I get criticized by doing what there mother is to stupid to do and that would be taking care of 2 children". I would've imagined that during the process your agency would have educated you on exactly why so many girls are abondoned in China and placed for adoption- which has everything to do with unfair government policies and social issues, and nothing to with the first-mothers being too "stupid" to care for their children, or that they don't care about them. These kind of comments are exactly what set off people who are against international adoption, and but put forth a negative image of the adoptive parents.

å°é»ƒ

May I suggest that you look into the blogosphere?

I'll even give you some starting points:

http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/ (Korean adoptee)
http://thirdmom.blogspot.com/ (Korean AP)
http://heartmindandseoul.typepad.com/ (Korean adoptee and adoptive parent - absolutely AMAZING writer)
http://chinaadoptiontalk.blogspot.com/ (China adoptive parent)
http://jjtrenka.wordpress.com/ (Korean adoptee, repatriated to Korea)

You'll find discussions are a lot more productive there in many cases.

SJM

I wonder who your children will think is stupid when they realize you're not smart enough to respect their mother.

Sunny

"Everyone"? I think only one person told you something you didn't want to hear.

Anyway, I'm hoping you are a troll. The twin thing seems suspect to me, and I think it's tragic that a country that values education so highly would give two children to a woman who cannot speak or write English correctly.

kateiskate is getting married

First of all, there are a few things that I have a problem with here. I am an international adoptee (adopted from Korea) and I really find it offensive that you would refer to your children's natural mom as "too stupid" to parent them. In countries like Korea and China there are still social stigmas against single or widowed mothers and in China there is a focus on parenting baby boys. Moms like mine and your daughters' are often pressured into relinquishment by friends, family, and society because of the stigma against unwed moms. If anything, you owe their mom a lot of respect and thanks because without her and her decision you would not have your beautiful daughters in your life.

International adoption is a pretty corrupt industry. I am not saying anything at all against IA parents, I have an issue with the industry as it is. There ARE a lot of instances where children are kidnapped and trafficked into international adoption. That is not to say anything against IA parents, so you might want to not take it so personally. It's not about you.

As an international adoptee, I think international adoptions should be made a last resort because I experienced the loss of my culture, the loss of my natural family, the loss of heritage, language, and name. It can also be emotionally confusing to not feel as though you fit in in either culture. Those things can be hard to deal with on top of the normal adoption issues.

eta: it is still offensive to refer to someone's biological mom as "stupid". Especially when it is the mother of your daughters

Here's just a little something I hope you think about: I'm sure your daughters are smart and perceptive. I am sure they can pick up on the attitude you have towards their first mom. Now it might not make a huge difference to you or them now since they are young, but in the long run they may want to search, or know where they came from. They are much less likely to come to you and share their thoughts and feelings with you if they are afraid you are going to react to them negatively. I know I am not at all likely to allow my mom much of a place in my thoughts about adoption because she only has negative things to say about it. If you want to cultivate a relationship with them where they feel open to share with you about everything, including their adoption feelings, I would think about how you say things and try to come up with a more positive attitude about it all. Because no offense, but you come off really condescending.

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