Why is my friend being selfish?

greeneyedqt

from what you are saying, it seems that your friend is only thinking of herself. how will she support her baby? by going on government assistance? that is not a good life for a child. a child should be raised in a financially stable household, with adults, not a single parent household with a 17 year old single mother. i feel that her giving up her baby to people who are better able to raise it will be the most big hearted selfless thing she can do for her baby. yes it will hurt, but it will hurt much less knowing she ruined her child's life by not giving it the best possible future.

Gagey and Meggy

Mother grow emotionally attached to their children before theyre born, it is growing inside her. She feels she loves it and wants it in her life. You have to understand yes she is making a mistake but she is in love. Try and get her or her boyfriend a job. Or tell her how the baby will be better off in a more supporting type of family.

DropsOfJupiter

come on y'all. I know the troll is cute and fuzzy, but quit feeding it.
ETA-TD for THAT! You ALL know it's a troll so don't even deny it just so you can have something new to bring up at the next pity party

ultÃmÎ± dÎ±rk prÃncÑ”ss â™¥

i bet if all pregnancies that came about in situations similar to this one resulted in adoption foster homes would be flooded and there would not be enough people willing to raise the children.

its your friend's baby. if she can do a good job no one deserves to raise him/her more than she does.

she can have more children, yes, but all human beings are irreplaceable.

Defcon5

She should keep the baby. Imagine you were that child grown up & find out that YOUR OWN MOTHER gave you away just because of the money. I no it's wrong that she got pregnant in the first place but wouldn't you want to be with your mother who would love you & went threw labour with you than total strangers?

In the long run money does not matter & the real mother keeping the baby is better off; it may even teach her a lesson in the future to see how hard it is to look after a child & feed it. It would also make her think twice next time before she gets busy...

Hope that helped!

cottonlily84

Well I think we now know your friend is the more mature of the two of you ... Why don't you stop judging and telling her to do something YOU think is right and start being a friend and support her? Adoption is not for everyone, it's not always the right choice. My sister got pregnant when she was 17 and yes she had to lean on other people but she is doing what's right for her and her baby. She's missed out on a lot but she is raising her child the best she can. It sounds like you just want your friend to get rid of her "mistake" so you can have your drinking buddy back. Why don't you wisen up and realize that's how she got in this mess to begin with - making irresponsible decisions?

Nora

you should mind your own business. it is her baby and her decision

Lindsey

My mother had me when she was 18 and she is anything but selfish. She worked all night, went to school in the mornings, and took care of me all at the same time. It takes an amazing person to be so selfless as to give up their "party years" for the love of their child. I love my mother, and while I could have understood if she had given me up, I would not have 1/10 the respect I have for her now.

Wannabe Swan

"Why would they have to raise her mistake too?"

You seem like surch a great friend.

Your friend isn't being selfish, she's doing what is right. She is raising her child. It is your friend's right to raise her own child.

This isn't the 60's and there isn't the whole "child out of wedlock" taboo going around.

I think you should stop complaining and be a friend, or lose a friend.

Protecting the baby

Wow, I have to say that you are the person being selfish. How can you call yourself a friend if you don't support her, whether you agree with her decisions or not? Your friend may have a hard time raising a baby alone (heck, even married, older people have to make life changes to take care of their new baby) but it will be worth it to her if she sets her mind to be a good mother. If the guys don't want her, she didn't need them anyway. And as for her friends, she don't need you guys if you turn your back on her for being a good mother instead of "drinking". It's sad that you classify this important decision into the "she can always have more children" catergory. I hope you learn to support your friend. If you're a true friend, be there. Offer to help take the baby for a while so she can sleep a little or offer to feed the baby for her so she can do the baby's laundry. Call her and tell her that you are on your way to her house to help her out for a few hours and ask her if she needs you to pick up something for her at the store while you are driving. Be the friend that you say you are. Your friendship will grow to new levels and you will grow so much.

snowwillow20

You have no idea what you are talking about or what you are asking her to do. How about you have a baby and have everyone you know tell you to give it away. How about you live the next 37 years with the knowledge that you just didn't want or your parents didn't want you to ruin your life so you gave away your baby.
YOU are no friend to her. What about her feelings, they come first and if you were truly her friend you would know that. How dare you?

maybe

You gotta be kidding me! You're trying to tell your friend to give up her baby? That's pretty sick...this is HER CHILD, her FLESH and BLOOD.

It is immoral of you to tell her to give up her baby, you should be ashamed of yourself!

clarity

This is completely none of your business. Also, the fact that your friend will not be able to go out drinking is hardly a good reason to encourage her to give up the baby. Again...this is NOT your problem.

AdoreHim

Ok, for those of you who have read my answers before you know how pro-adoption I am. I am both an adoptee and and an adoptive mom. However, in cases like this, I am not pushing adoption, because it is the birth mothers choice if she decides to place or not. To me a woman is selfish when she decides the only thing that she can do when she is pregnant is abort. As a matter of fact your friend seems very far from being selfish. Money is not the end all for raising a child. Love is. As a matter of fact if they went on income levels with my husband and I , we would never have been able to adopt our 2 kids. I can only imagine how difficult it most be to carry a child for 9 months and then place. As a friend, you should be helping find resources that can help her. Have her call her local pregnancy help clinic, and they can help her with many necessary things as she plans to parent. No matter what you may think, it is her baby, and she has that choice. "She does not realize how much her life will be over now if she keeps it"- First of all never call a baby an it. Second of all, her life will not be over, she will just be starting a new journey in her life."She could just have another baby"- this may be true, but if she regrets giving her child up, she will not live her life to its fullest potential because she will never be able to move on. I love our son dearly, who is almost 21. I am very thankful to his birth mother. But, I can tell you until he met her about 2 years ago, she said that she was hoping that he would not hate him for what she did. I believe she regretted it even though she still knows that it was best. She told me this personally. But some birth moms regret it to the point that it ruins their life. You may think it is best for her, but she may not. Instead of telling her what to do, why don't you ask what you can do to help.

* Princess Aimee's Mummy *

sorry but who are you to tell her what to do with her baby? i understand you are just concerned for their welfare, but thats her choice to make not yours or anyones. i respect her actually for deciding to keep her baby rather than giving it away for 'an easier life' its a hard decision to make especially at a young age when you have no support. there is help out there to get her on her feet, she is old enough to work and get a part time job to support her baby she will have to do something to make ends meet she will
have to provide for her baby herself but thats what parenting is all about, even if she goes on benefits its a start for her. also the father will have to contribute. she can do it lots of young girls do it and cope its her decision and you shouldnt be telling her what she can and cant do. and her baby isnt a mistake, your friendship is though. her life wont 'be over' at all being a mum is the best thing in the world and you will understand if you ever have children of your own. drinking doesnt compare to having a baby she is being mature for her age. the real problem is that she needs to find better more supportive friends to help her through this difficult confusing time in her life. good luck to her and the baby.

Pip

"Why is my friend being selfish?
ok basically my friend who is 17 found out she is pregnant 7 months ago, she was giving the baby away for adoption and we all thought it shoudl be that way, she is young and has no money and her parents have already raised her and her 5 sisters and brothers, she is the youngest, so why should they have to raise her mistake too?"

If you was a real friend you would be supportive. You have no right telling telling her she should surrender her baby. You're the one being selfish not her as you're not thinking about what's best for HER and HER baby. At the end of the day it's her body, her choice, her baby so NOBODY should be forcing her to surrender. What you and her family want to do is called coercion. I am also disgusted that you're referring her baby as a mistake - she wants to raise her baby not a mistake. Shame on you.

"but last week she said she was going to keep it, even though she has money!!! suirely someone who has money and a good life should get the child, if they can not have a baby themselves, do they not deserve to have a baby more than her?"

She can get help from outside agenies. Money isn't everything as along as the baby is fed, clothed, provided for and loved. Infertile couples don't derserve her baby, what right does ANYBODY have to take a baby that already has a mother? Babies need their mother not adoptive parents.

"she wont listen to me, or any of us, even her parents, so how can we tell her she is making a mistake?"

Good, I'm glad she's doing the right thing and doing what's best for her baby. You can't tell her she is making a mistake as the mistake would be to surrender when she doesn't want to.
.
"she does not realise how much her lfe will be over now if she keeps it, she will not be able to come out drinking anymore and what boy will want her now? (the babys father has left her)."

No her life isn't over it's the start of her new life as a mother. That's just plain sick thinking that no man will want her now. She is a human being not a potential possession and there are plenty of decent men out there who are willing to take on a child because they love the mother.

" how can we tell her to give the baby to someone who needs a child?"

That's sick, nobody needs a child.

" she can have more children,"

That's exactly the same line my parents used and the adoption agency when I was being coerced into surrendering. Guess what, no I don't have any more children - I'm 48 years so know it isn't going to happen now. I also know other mothers who surrendered and didn't have any more children. Just because she is having this baby don't assume she will automatically have more. She may have more children but you don't know. There are worse things than being infertile, there is being coerced into surrendering then not having more children due to infertility.

" i dont understand how she can change her mind and let the people who want the baby down?"

You wont because you haven't been in this situation. Your friend has changed her mind because her natural instincts have kicked in which are telling her to be a mother. If she surreneders she will be letting herself and her baby down. Tough on the people who want to adopt her baby as they have no rights to this child nor do they deserve this child more than her. With friends like you who needs enemies.

H******

She doesn't 'owe' her child to anyone and it's pretty distasteful of you to suggest that!

I hope your 'friend' finds the support she needs to raise her baby. She won't be 17 forever and with friends like you, who needs enemies. Really.

She can have more children?! people aren't replaceable. Have you ever lost a loved one? I wonder if anyone was crass enough to tell you 'oh well, you can just get another husband/grandpa/mother etc' KWIM

scorpio_queen_2003

my bio mom gave me up when she was 17.it was her biggest regret.i was 29 when we were reunited.if you are a true friend you will support your friend unconditionally.she sounds like a strong woman to me,maybe you need to back off and tell your friend you will support her decions.if not,maybe you should walk away,as it would be a disaster if your friend gives up her baby under pressure.i can't see her wanting to go out drinking when she is depressed and missing her baby.unless the drink is to take the pain away!

JayneB

slide on and leave her alone, the baby has been iinside her for monthes, she can feel it and has already bonded in a way. let her keep HER baby

dontknow86

O.M.G. you call yourself her friend! Get lost! You or her parents have NO right to tell this girl to give HER baby up. There is lots of guys who will marry her! It is none of your business! Oh by the way your next. Give your baby to the highest bidder! Make sure its blonde with blue eyes they fetch the most money.

AnnaBelle

You're asking if your friend is being selfish raising her own child?

Seriously?

No, she's not. But, honestly, how brainwashed is our collective society when that is a point of confusion...?

Rosie

There is no reset button when you release your baby to another family to parent. It doesn't matter that she can have another child. She has one growing in her that is hers and it will soon be here in the world.

Her baby needs her as mother. She is not a mistake, she is a precious soul who deserves to have the comfort and continuity to having her mother in her life. They belong together, if at all possible.

Her childhood might be over, but her life is just starting out.

She will never regret parenting, whereas she will always feel some regret over placing her child.

The people who want the baby will get over it. There is NO reason for her to have made such an important decision before birth. She should have plenty of time to think about that, and change her mind even up to the last minute of placement and a reasonable time beyond.

You need to stand by your friend's decision and support her in it with all your heart.

Opt.Adopt

Be the friend she needs now. Find out what programs are available in your State and help her to get the information so she will be able to care for her baby. A baby is not a mistake and should be raised where they are loved and wanted. It sounds like your friend loves and wants her child. See if the school has information about continuing education with a young baby and if there are programs and funds to help her do so. Very few young women lead thier lives and make decisions on the hope of getting a husband or boyfriend, What is that about! Your friend may be stronger than you think . I wish her a good life and more supportive friends and family.

Andraya - Snark's Sister

It sounds to me like you are the selfish one, sad to lose your party pal. The only person she would ever be letting down is her child if she abandoned it. Go find a new booze buddy and let your friend manage her own life as she should, as a mother. "Friends" like you are a dime a dozen, she will find true friends in her new role and they will understand her in ways you are obviously not mature enough to.

Bookwarm

In our society we do not determine who deserves babies by how much money they have and then distribute newborns based on income. That sounds like something out of 1984. Nobody "deserves" a child, a child is a human being, however the person who goes through nine months of pregnancy, childbirth, and all the hormone changes associated with both deserves a chance to raise the child, absent abuse.

She can have more children, but you can't replace a child. Would you say that a mother of a stillborn child or a child that died of SIDS or was killed in a car crash should just have more children? Children as not interchangeable like different car models.

Her life will not end if she has this baby. No, it was not the perfect time to become pregnant. But being unable to drink underage is not the end of the world. And if a boy doesn't want to date her becuase she has a child, that is there problem. Quite honestly it weeds out the less then desirable men. She may have to delay her college education, and it certainly won't help financially, but she will not roll over dead if she parents her child. She is a year away from adulthood, she can become financially independent within a few years.

As for the prospective adopters, they do not need a child, they want a child. They will not die if she does not give them her child. They will be upset, and I do sympathize with that, but they know that in pre-birth matching the mother may, and often does choose to parent her baby. It will ultimately hurt them less to not be able to parent this baby, then it will hurt your friend to not get to parent her baby if she so desires.

Lish

its her baby who are u or anyone else to tell her to give away her baby, u sound like an awful friend, mind ur own business.

Ferbs

It's her baby. Her decision. Her life. Her consequences. Her future.

Baby: NOT a mistake

NO ONE needs a child. Not even people like us who chose to adopt. It is a basic instinct to want to parent BUT people DON'T DIE of childlessness.

She can have more children: NOT REPLACEABLE ITEMS. She would always miss and love this one.

You don't understand how she can change her mind? BECAUSE she is carrying a life inside her that is part of her and her hormones and body are telling her she is THE MOTHER. Nature is a ***** that way I guess. Sigh.

The people who "want" the baby: We have been and are people who wishing to adopt (minus the "want" factor...yuck). WHO CARES! We take on the adoption decision knowing the risks and being healthy enough as a couple and family to deal with them. SHE HAS NO OBLIGATION to them.

Adoption may be the right thing (hell I don't know) but if it isn't her choice...IT'S WRONG.

ALL OF YOU...get off her back and help her out or stay out of her way. If she decides to parent she doesn't need more obstacles. She needs support.

You might want to reconsider your definition of "friend" on this one.

tina

I am guessing you don't have a lot of life experience yourself, nothing wrong with that. You live and learn. It's a lot more complicated than just giving this baby up and having more children. I think you actually do think it's best for her to give up her baby. Because the truth is it will be hard for her and her baby and she will really have to step up to life to give her baby a good life. And being young and carefree is something she will probably have to give up. Your friend and your life paths may part a little because of this. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Don't give her up as a friend just because she has a baby, but also don't sacrifice your life for her decisions. Be a good friend but realize that she has made her bed and she has to sleep in it. I find it funny that people think it proper you should babysit her baby so she can do laundry or whatever. You have your own life to live. But also realize that she is doing what she thinks is right. When you're young, it's hard to imagine, but life's surprises, while sometimes difficult, can a blessing. This may be the right thing for her and her baby. You've lost her as a companion in discovering the world in the way you would like to. I understand that. But you'll find new companions for that part of your life. And you and her might still be able to learn and discover things from each other that each of you wouldn't have otherwise been exposed to.

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