Would This Hurt My Parents?

smallbizperson

Let's start over. Your mother and father are the people who chose you, love you and raised you. They are not your "mother" and "father" with quotation marks, they are the real thing.
Your birth or biological mother was the 15 year old and your birth or biological father is the 24 year old.
Chances are good your parents understand your curiosity about your birth parents and see it as that, curiosity. Because you are curious about these other people doesn't mean you don't love your parents, and that's something you need to make really clear when you start this discussion with them. They trust you enough to tell you that you are adopted rather than hide the fact.
Finding birth parents can be uplifting, and it can be devastating. It's entirely possible that your birth mother has other children now, your half siblings, who don't know about you. It's also possible that she doesn't want them or their father to know about the child she gave up.
If she does have other kids, given her age at your birth, it is very likely that these children are very young and wouldn't understand the concept of giving children up for adoption. They might think that if she did it once, she might give them away. That's a really scary thought if you are 5 or 6 years old.
It's possible that hearing from you will bring back the bad memories of a relationship that may or may not have been consensual. At 15, she probably felt trapped in the situation and giving you up for adoption was her only option.
It may be that she was a teenager who made other poor choices and there may have been problems with drinking, drugs, and/or crime. How would you feel if she were someone you wouldn't ordinarily feel comfortable associating with?
Having planted all these seeds of doubt, it's entirely possible that she is a well adjusted person, who would be willing to have a relationship with you.
Take baby steps. Contact the agency who arranged your adoption, and tell them the information you have, (birth date, place, names of birth parents, etc.) Ask them to contact your birth mother and ask if she is willing to hear from you. Be prepared to get a negative answer. And if it is negative, don't take it as a personal rejection. You have no way of knowing what her situation is. Too, just because she says "no" now, doesn't mean she will say the same thing 5 years from now or 10 years from now.
In fact, waiting until you are an adult may make talking to your birth mother easier for both of you. You will have a broader life experience and will be less likely to blame her for giving you up. She might be more comfortable talking to another adult rather than someone who is still a child, albeit a teenaged one. (The fact that you are a teenager may remind her too clearly of her own teenage self when you were born. You need to expect this to be a raw and painful part of her life, and expecting full disclosure from her about this time in her life will be trumatic for you both.)
If you are able to talk to her, make a point of telling her the good parts of your life, loving parents, a good home and education, and so on. If she understands that she made the right decision years ago, you will help her heal her guilt. This will make her more likely to trust you with other information.
You might ask her, too, about family health histories. If, for example, there is a history of disease, say cancer, in her family (or your birth father's family,) then you will know to be extra vigilant in getting check-ups.
Talk to your folks, too. If this whole thing is really weighing on your mind, it would be worth talking to a counselor for a few sessions. This would give you the opportunity to vent in a safe place and put your adoption in context with the rest of your life, your real life.
Next time you have a family tree project, look at it with humor. To use a gardening metaphor, you are the grafted branch, the one who was chosen and purposely added to the trunk of the rest of the family tree. It makes you pretty special.

Ask your mother if it would bother her if you looked for your biological mother. Maybe she will understand. If she seems to not want you to do that, wait until you are 18. If you do look, I hope you find her easily. Good luck to you.

allchildrenareangels

It might hurt them but, it is your right to do it if you would like. Maybe your parents will help you find them. The only suggestion I have is don't call them your real parents if you do you will hurt them. To your adoptive parents they are your real parents because, they are the ones who have been there for you and loved and raised you. If I were you I would say my biological parents or first parents.

Good luck,
Dianna

just me

well you should talk to her about it
everyone is different and some people are more sensitive than others

sanjana

i am sure they knew that you were gong to ask soon but first tell them u love them alot. i am sure they would not mind. they love you no matter what

â–ºâ—„Theâ–ºâ—„ â–ºAnswersâ—„ â–ºâ—„Girlâ–ºâ—„

Explain to your mother that even though you love her it is natural for you to want to get to know your birth mom (avoid use of the words 'real mom') and tell her that if she would help you it would be great. If you go to your social worker from when you were in care, you should be able to read your file and get some details. Write your birth mom a letter and let her know you are looking for her. I'm sure she will be keen to get to know you. Good luck with this, I hope you search ends well :-)

Serenity71

My family must have one of those strange family tree's where if your part of the family you're on it. Regardless of biology. There is a way to draw an adoptive child's family tree to show all of your family connections and recognise all of your family history.

Look into it, and you'll start to see yours family tree is far more interesting than you're school friends.

If you wish to look for your birth family than talk to you're mum and dad about it and how you feel. But going in saying "real mum" or "real dad" isn't the best way to approach it with them. (After all they have raised you so to say 'mother' in inverted commers is saying you don't see her as your mother. Its not negating your feelings or theirs to recognise these things.

Edit; I love the double standard for honesty in this forum at times. ( Telling a young teenage girl under 18 to lie to her parents about important issues that effects the family! What if they want to help her. Waht happened to openess and trust. Adoptee or not thats poor form to encourage it especially a person who's a parent.)

Sunshine

If at all possible, try to wait until you are 21. Your parents, if assured by you, how special they are to you, should understand. However, making contact with birth parents could be very emotional and/or traumatic and being 21 would help you to be able to handle it. Doing this search after college graduation seems like an acceptable age and time.

â•”Elizabethâ•— â™ªâ™«

It might, but I'm sure when your current parents adopted you, they were prepared in the back of their head for questions like this to come up. To be honest, I'm sure they're expecting questions any day now. But yeah, it'll probably bother them a little... it would bother any parent, I think, but its natural to have questions and be curious.. especially when it comes to your real parents. Just remind them how thankful you are for them and how much you apprecaite all they've done for you, and you'll be fine!

Woman of Curiosity

I also spent time in foster care. Custody was given to other blood family, but I also was not fully raised by my real mother. I believe your Mom wouldn't mind at all if you wanted to meet your biological mother/father. I think she would encourage you to do so as long as it was good for you. If your Mom knew your biological mother/father and knows that situation wasn't good for you then, she may mind a bit. If she trusts your integrity and believes you wont be hurt by your biological mother/father's reaction, she may even help you. Good luck. I hope you find what you want to know.

katydyd71

i was adopted, and last year my husband (we had just gotten married a cl of weeks beforehand) took me to meet my biological family. My mom and dad always had reservations about me meeting them, ut were very understanding . Im sure your parents would be too. When I met my bio family i understood why. they weren'tt stable at all, and they were in very unhealthy living condition. just tell them how you fell im sure theyll understand

songoose

Talk to you "parents" about it. They should understand your curiosity and they might support you. Your problem is common. It's better just to speak with your adopted parents. Just be ready for any reaction from them and be ready for accepting who your birth mom is if she is not all that great. Good Luck!

John

it might hurt your parents but you need to know the answers and you nedd to know who's your really mom. You parents will undertand that and they will know that you love them as much as you love your actual mom.

Mary

it shouldn't if u feel that u want to get in touch with your past and where you came from then thats fine and ur foster mother should understand

Sunny

You don't say how old you are, I'm assuming that you are an adult.

Frankly, it doesn't matter if it hurts your parents, and they don't even have to know about your search if you don't want them to. And you certainly don't need permission from ANYONE.

I will tell you that what ever you've been told about your natural parents (their ages, the reasons, etc) is probably untrue, so don't get over-invested in what is most likely fiction. The ONLY way to know anything about your story is to ask your nparents.

I searched pretty young (early 20s) and have been reunited for over 20 years. The BEST part of my reunion, aside from my relationship with my mother, is knowing who I am, and how I came to the planet. I know my ethnicity, how and when my people came to the U.S., etc. Knowing that information made me feel a part of the human race, and I appreciate that more that most could ever know.

Keep going and good luck!

Melissa

I think that if you were to sit down and tell your adoptive parents that you would like to know about them, that they would be supportive and maybe even help you with it. Best of luck to you.

Haley M

you could go to the library, and look them up.
You could just talk to your mother and tell her you want contact with your birth mother, she cant say no.
Its your right to know her.

Tom R

i think you should find your parents . ive found that you can learn a lot about your future health that way . my sister is six years older than me. so anytime i have a medical problem i can ask because she probably already had it. same with you. however i would suggest waithing at least until your 18. i think you need to come to it with no expectations because some are messes and some arent. a friend of mine found out that his biological parents were actually rich. but if youve seen any of the talk shows you know that is probably a minority of the cases. for your real parents . they will expect that at some time you would look but you can assure them that they are still your parents

Eman!!!

They should understand but have a good talk with em first

Joshua

i don't think it would if she really loved you she would let you do that because why would someone try to keep you away from your own mother unless she is a threat but i don't think that is the case

S.C

I don't think she would be upset because you have the right to know about your birth parents.
What about your dad? Your real one, don't you want to meet him too?

red elephants

If I was a parent it wouldn't hurt me that you were interested in finding your biological family. What would hurt me would be using quotes around parent and mother and calling your biological family your real family. To me that would be hurtful because it would seem you didn't consider your adoptive family your family/parents. It may just be the way you are explaining it online but when you approach your parents for the first time about it avoiding things like that would probably help them come to terms with your searching and feel less threatened.

Ranchmom1

If she has any problems with it, ask her (calmly of course) to imagine that one day her own parents tell her they have been keeping a secret from her all this time and they tell her they adopted her as an infant. Ask her to consider all the questions she would have. Would she want to know if she had a sister? A brother? What do they look like? What does her mother look like?

Sometimes it helps a person to flip perspectives and think about it from another point of view.

Wishing you well.

Cambria

You should definitely talk to your mom about this. There is a chance that she may be sensitive about it, but there is also a chance that she will be really supportive of you.

Family tree assignments were always really difficult for me too when I was in school and it is totally normal for you to want to know more about your real parents.

And ignore all the people in here who are trying to lecture you about who you consider your real parents or how you think about your family now. You are allowed to feel and think whatever way you want about it and the people who are lecturing you generally have no idea what adoption means to the people involved or have a lot of ego invested in convincing others to think exactly the same way they do.

Mom to Foster Children

I would be worried if my son "didn't" want to find his mother. It would not upset me at all. His story is a little different though. He was with her right before his 2nd birthday and then was in foster care right before his 7th birthday. He knows her very well and we have told him that when he gets older (in his teens) that we would find her that right now it might be a little hard on him.

Carol c

I agree with most of the others - tell your parents that you want to know your first mother but you don't wish to hurt anyone. Tell them that you want to feel safe enough to be honest with them about something that you believe is only natural - to want to know where and who you come from.

LinnyG

No offense, but people who are not involved in adoption have no business answering you.

It is normal for every adoptee to want to know their first families. It is also common for most adoptive parents to feel a twinge of jealousy when we do so. It is important for us, the adoptee, to let them know our search is about OUR needs, and it has nothing to do with our relationships with them, and it most certainly does not mean we dont love our adoptive parents.

I explain to people that for me to NOT want to search would go against everything my adoptive family taught me about love and family. It is your fundamental right as a human being to know your natural family.

Irish

It will hurt some and not others. One thing is for sure that they ALL must know the day will come when your curiosity takes charge and you begin your search. It's very natural to want to know your roots. Good luck to you.

Im JOE! :D yozzzzzzzz

no most adoptive parents know that there child will want to kow there real child one day. so just ask her

Hubble

i dont think it would hurt them;;; you just want to know your roots

dontknow86

You need to find your birth parents, Or at least your birth mom. You can get needed info. and find out why? I know 100% your birth mom loves you and misses you everyday. If you need help finding her email me and I will help you. Me and my daughter have been friends from the 1st day we met back 1 yr. ago we talk everyday and her mom is fine with it. I don't want to be her mom but I do love being a part of her life and her friend.

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