adoptees...do you really care that you were your parents *second choice*?

Aya

How ignorant and presumptive of you. There are plenty of adoptive parents out there for whom adoption was their first and ONLY choice, and plenty of children who would love to be adopted. You don't know many adopted people, do you?

I <3 summer

It's not that they don't like to have step parents, the most important thing is that they're feeling loved and are welcomed into a family and they are taken care of. I don't see adoption as a big problem. I see abandon a big problem :).

Marnie B

Adoption isnt a second choice for all parents. Believe it or not, some parents prefer to adopt.

kickass

So you believe that just because someone adopted a child that they could not have their own?

There are many couples that adopt and have biological children, and they love them all because they are THEIR children.

Erin

I think you're equating 'second' with 'lesser', when it isn't necessarily so. II have two biological little ones, and the 'second' child that I had is no less dear to me than the first. If you choose to have a child, be it biological or adopted, the child is yours, a part of your family, and however that came to be, it just is. You love your family, and you don't tend to struggle with order or priority in terms of it's members.

guapagirl02

I find it really sad that so many adoptees continue to claim, and try to speak for others that all kids want their "real" mom. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

I am adopted, was adopted as an infant, and I never cared that I was adopted. It's just a part of who I am. Some people have been able to word it well when they said that most parents do want their own biological children, but just because they were unable to (for whatever reasons), does not mean that they simply 'settled.' My a-parents could simply have given up, and not chosen to raise children, but they wanted to be parents, they wanted children to love, and they did just that. They adopted three children and have loved and provided for them for 25 years.

For those of you who continue to insist that all adoptees simply want their "real" moms, get over yourself. Speak only for yourself and no one else.

Lady Rowan

Actually, i wasn't. My adoptive mom was already the mother(biologically) of two children, a boy and a girl. She had informed her husband that two was enough, and she was finished. However, when her brother came to her and asked her to take in his twin boy and girl children, she did, because she loved us.

However, i'm sure other adoptees out there DO care. And who are you ort me to tell them how they should feel. They feel how they feel. Get used to it.

TOASTEE

huh?

My husband adopted my oldest daughter and that was one of the best days of both their lives. He considers her every bit his own, the adoption was his idea! My daughter loves him more than anyone on the planet. Maybe we are just not the normal family?

I am not an adoptee. I do have kids that are adopted though. They were not my second choice. I can have biological children but when/if I do it won't change my love for my kids. They never have and never will be second choice. Just because some adoptive parents adopt as a second choice it doesn't mean that all of us do. I adopted my kids because they were in a terrible situation, their mother didn't want them, they basically lived with me anyways and I loved them.

Doodlestuff

This is actually an issue that my son is grappling with. He is angry over so many issues, however, that I don't think his adoption is the biggest issue.

I think a lot of people have issues and they don't even have to be adopted to have them. My mother made it very clear, most of my life, that she didn't want me around. I'm only handy for the work that I do. I tolerate what I can because she is my mother, but I'm not happy about it.

Also, I do have to point out that there is a significant population of adoptees that were adopted by parents perfectly capable of having children, but chose to adopt. Some of these adopted older children, some adopted children with special needs. I agree, that they are not the majority. Watch the sweeping statements.

Sunny

Actually, I was 14th choice, because my amother told me over and over as a kid that she had 13 miscarriages.

Big whoop. My own mother always held onto a big part of my heart anyway, sort of like a first love.

Any adoptive parents would have been second choice to me. I just wanted (like all kids do) my own mother.

Roberta P

We adopted because we truly 100% did NOT want to have any more bio children. I could have had more but we choose to adopt. Adopting was the only way we would be willing to add to our family. So in a nutshell adopting was our first and only choice.

chickadee

I chose to adopt instead of having biological kids. We only tried to get pregnant for 9 months before we decided on adoption. We never pursued any fertility treatments even though a doctor gave us an 80% of conceiving with in vitro. We would rather not waste the money because having a child that is biological doesn't matter to us. We are now adopting our second child and have no desire to ever have fertility treatments. Adoption was a first choice for us.

Randy B

My adopted children were certainly not a second choice, nor were they a first choice. They were a choice, plain and simple. We have adopted and had biological children and in our case we did it in what every order we chose (adoption, birth, adoption and soon to be another adoption) because we wanted to, not because we had to or because they were anything other then a choice we made.

ibid

You assume that parents adopt kids because they have no other choice. Your assumption is wrong.

JennaBear

the thing i care about is that they pretended we were first choice...honesty goes a long way!

BOTZ

Yes, of course I care. Am I angry about it? No.

I also care that I have darker hair and a larger build than BOTH of my adoptive parents... but I'm not angry about that, either.

I CARE about a lot of things that make me HAPPY, too. Am I happy being their 3rd choice (because that is, in fact, what I am)? No. But my feelings are mine and it is what it is.

It's not my a-parents fault that they wanted to have children naturally... Most people do. It's (probaby) not their fault that they couldn't -- at least nothing I know about them would lead me to believe they made choices that led to their infertility. It's not even their fault that I was available for adoption. That decision was made before they even knew I existed.

What IS their fault? Abusing me (and my adopted siblings but NOT their one, natural child). Giving my a life of poverty and lack because of their poor financial choices. Adopting when they really didn't want to because it was expected of them (by their families and church) to have a large family. Adopting (my little sister) when they were too old and could NOT afford it because their family was not 'large enough' yet. THOSE things were entirely their choice. Had they not adopted me, someone else would have (or not).

Caring about and/or being angry/upset about something are two completely different things.

I also care that there are homeless pets in my state and city and that my region will likely suffer a water shortage/drought this year... but I'm not angry about those things, either.

dustee

Adoptive parents are NOTstep parents. My son-in-law is adopted. He grew up in a loving and caring family. As far as he is concerned--they are his PARENTS. The irony of it all is--recently his REAL sister and brother conmtacted him. His mother and father split up before he was born. She couldnt afford another child on her own--so she gave him up. On her death bed 7 years ago she told her family about it. They have been looking for him ever since. Now they are his OTHER family and everyone gets along great. Happy ending to a true story

Faith K

id rather be with my family than with a mother who couldnt feed me.
My mom and dad couldn't have a child becasue my mom was diabetic and infertile since she was 13. the only thing my dad and mom wanted was a child to love, and they got that. of corse my mom and dad wanted their own kids, but it takes real people to love someone who isnt their flesh and blood like a daughter or son. my family has givin me everything in the whole world. more than i can ask for.

H******

Actually, I wasn't second choice.

However it still bugs the heck out of me to here people explaining how they'd tried and tried to have a child of their own but had to settle for adoption. I feel for those kids who end up as human band aids, I really do.

kateiskate is getting married

Yeah honesty is always the best policy. I wish my parents were honest with me, but I doubt they were very honest when they said they never wanted to have biological kids.

I realize they were trying to spare our feelings, but the truth is always the best way to go.

Stop the Hate Love instead

I was not my parentâ€™s second choice they wanted to adopt me. When I was placed with them as a foster baby they had no plans to adopt me, they already had three kids, and I was only suppose to stay with them a very short time. I am glad that I am adopted, other adoptees may not be but I am and Iâ€™m sure there are others.

I also know some parents who choice to adopt it was not their second choice for them. Just because a lot of people want biological children does not many everyone does. There are some people who choice to have just adopted children, there are some people who choice to have natural and adopted. If able I will adopt from FC one day so having adopted kids and a biological child or two would both be my first choice.

Big Daddy R

My son is not a second choice we can and did have a biolgical child. We talked about adopting while still dating long before even trying to have a child and not knowing if we could or not. I have a friend who always wanted to adopt. It is not a second choice for everyone or a last choice

Ranchmom1

No, I don't care at all. It is normal and natural to want to have biological children. When they realized it wasn't going to happen, their desire to raise children didn't go away, it went in another direction and they provided a great home for my brother and me.

hpfreak080

I don't mind.
My mom (amom henceforth known as "mom") flat out told me that they were actually chosen to receive a boy (through adoption) and that the mother changed her mind and they got me.

I also know that my mom had severe endometriosis and was unable to conceive naturally.

This stuff may make some people feel bad about themselves but I don't see why. For me, it doesn't matter what led up to us being a family. The fact of the matter is: we ARE a family. That's the most important thing to me.

SJM

No. I always figured we had something in common since my ap's couldn't have their natural child, and I couldn't have my natural parents.

Adoptionissadnsick

They were my second choice too.

LinnyG

No, because it's the truth. MOST adoptions are because of infertility. My ap's had many miscarriages before I was placed with them. I dont know why people are always offended by the truth.

For the few ap's who claim adoption was their first choice, good for them if they adopted a child through foster care, but I have no respect for ANYONE who would adopt an infant through an agency or private adoption, or adopt internationally. Its coercive and human trafficking. It should NEVER be someone's first choice to be a part of a system which places a dollar amount on a child, or causes a child pain.

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